Title: I Hold With Those Who Favor Fire
Summary: In which Karkat and Terezi land in the Harry Potter world and shenanigans ensue. /To complete a mission they were not issued./
Note: Edited: (as of Dec. 26. 2011): Alright, so this is my first crossover fanfic. Also my first Harry Potter fanfic. So exciting! :B And since this will be a rather long multi chapter, I will be writing an unusually long Note here on the first chapter. Apologies in advance. Sadly, I will not be able to promise on my life that this fic will be completed, as I have not already written it all out yet. However, I do have plot in mind, and this fic will hopefully shed a bit more light on the canonverses, as well as send a cheery little moral message. Or not. If not, at least it will be fun for all of us the meantime, yeah?
The trolls featured here will be Karkat Vantas and Terezi Pyrope. All of the trolls will play their part, but none of the humans. I decided not to try juggling too many of them at first, as much as I love them all, because I was worried that it would difficult to keep things straight. Unexpectedly, I think I might be able to keep this fic working with the canonity of both fandoms, except for the initial stretch where we dump the characters in the HPverse. But really, let's not get too optimistic. Again, if the details start going down the drain, at least it will be fun for me to write, and hopefully fun for you to read.
This is mostly for fun and silliness. Read at leisure and without taking things *too* seriously. ;)
I'll be writing this with POV shifts, which I usually try to avoid, but it's good to break out of my shell for a change, right? Also, updates will probably take a while, but I'll try to have them at least once a week or two, since I'm busy with real-life stuff, and each chapter takes a long time to write. I don't just wing through them as I go, after all.
And sorry, I'll be semi-censoring F-Bombs here. But you'll know when they're there. :B
Alright, I've definitely prattled on long enough. But chances are, none of you will read this blithering string of tripe anyway. No worries then. ;D
There will be some spoilers beyond the identities of characters.
Warnings: Language (courtesy of Karkat) Blood, probably.
Pairings: I'm not really sure yet. Probably some canon stuff. And some non-canon stuff. (Definitive, I know.)
Characters: Karkat, Terezi, various other Harry Potter characters, various other Homestuck characters in mention.
Reviews are received with much love!
I own nothing of Homestuck or Harry Potter. I am not making money from this, nor am I intending any copyright infringement.
It had been weeks since Karkat had had a decent night's sleep in his recouperacoon. In fact, it had been weeks since Karkat had had any decent sleep at all. The last time he'd fallen unconscious at the sight of blood, he'd spent about three seconds awake as his flamboyantly dressed dream self before Bec Noir had stuck a bloody sword through his chest. In the ensuing hour of unconsciousness before he awoke again, he'd floated around in a nightmarish mode of quasi-reality where monsters the size of cities oozed around his field of vision and moaned with the voices of a hundred thousand dead or dying.
He hadn't really expected to fall asleep for the remainder of his life, after that. Which shouldn't have been a problem, seeing as there was a mysterious timer soon counting down to what everyone had agreed must be the end of their universe. But really, he didn't give a shit. There were plenty of other things he could be giving his shit to in the meanwhile, namely f***headed little upstart alien monkeys that caused all the trouble in the first place. Except, it hadn't been their fault, not really. Turns out it was all his fault after all, big surprise. He should've seen that coming.
Karkat Vantas had resolved to stay awake for the remainder of his short failure of a life, but he had failed even in that.
He was, after all, just now waking up from a deep sleep.
Harry had busied himself in his final year of Hogwarts schooling chasing around extremely hazardous magical artifacts in an attempt to bring down the most dangerous evil wizard known to history. That final moment of triumph and relief in which he'd destroyed said evil wizard had continued to fuel Harry's good mood for the better part of the remaining school year, which the authorities had decided to call off as a luxuriously long winter/spring/summer vacation. The next school year would be a war-free second chance for everyone.
But one early summer morning, Harry Potter, the Chosen One, the Boy Who Lived, and the Savior (as he was now being called, which was ridiculous, and he told anyone that would use the phrase in his presence that it was ridiculous), woke up on his makeshift bed at the Burrow, with blinding sunlight hitting him in the eyes and the snores of his best friend assaulting his ears, and he was swept with an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness. He sat up, groped around on the floor beside his bed for his glasses, jammed them onto his face, and sat there for the better part of half an hour, watching the pale patch of sky he could see outside Ron's window.
If his thoughts could be voiced at the moment, they could be summarized into two words:
"What now?" he murmured to himself.
That was when he saw a couple streams of light dart through the sky past the window, and heard a muffled boom sound from not so far away. Ron let out a sharp snore and rolled over in his bed.
His ponderings temporarily forgotten, Harry quickly struggled into his clothes and slipped out of the room.
Upon waking, Karkat's first irrational impression was that he'd somehow awoken back in his familiar recouperacoon, but upon later inspection and disappointment, the slime proved to be a pit of gooey mud. He blearily opened his eyes, feeling achy and sore in his body and a full-blown painful headache consuming his think pan. Sunlight collided directly with his retinae with the full force of a rampaging herd of horn-beasts, and by reflex he jammed his eyelids back shut before the light left him blind and reliant on his tongue to see where he was going.
"F***," he muttered.
"Hey nubhead, is that you?"
"Terezi?" he asked hopefully, keeping his eyes tightly shut as he attempted to roll over, sit up, and get his bearings. His efforts were rewarded with a faceful of mud.
"Hehe, how does that taste? I'd check myself, but it doesn't smell very appetizing. Like chocolate that was dragged through a septic pipe."
"Shut your overeager air hole already," he snarled.
After much undignified crawling, unappetizing bites of waterlogged silt, and taunting advice from Terezi, Karkat managed to extricate himself from the mudhole, although he now had the appearance of a turd-frosted baking good from hell. At least the layer of mud would temporarily protect his skin from the blistering sun. Or maybe he was kidding himself into thinking that his situation wasn't as bad as it was. Terezi's next comment confirmed this:
"You know, this sunlight isn't Alternian, I think. I've been sitting out here admiring your efforts for ages, and my skin doesn't even sting yet. You can probably open your eyes, too, as long as you don't stare at the sun like I did back home."
"Great. I will now proceed to peel open and blind my mud-encrusted ocular spheres to achieve the pleasurable necessity of having to sloppily make out with every f***ing book I ever want to read."
"Pull your head out of your protein chute, jegus! You should trust my judgment more than yours, especially after all the stupid mistakes you've made," she sniggered.
He scowled and attempted to blindly slap her with a muddy hand, but missed. In retaliation, she struck his face with enough force to jerk his head to the side. Karkat commenced to curse loudly and angrily at her while wiping the mud from his face, as she laughed uproariously from just outside of his punching radius. Eventually, though, he managed to wipe enough mud away so that he could gingerly open his eyes and take a look at their surroundings. To his relief, his eyes didn't glaze over red and blind. The first thing he noticed, however, wasn't the strange countryside, but rather Terezi's appearance.
"Will you please give me some sort of reasonable explanation as to why the f*** you're wearing that ostentatious FLARPing outfit of yours?"
She looked down at herself. Or, sniffed down at herself, to be more precise.
"Heh. That's weird. I don't know."
"And since when did you..." he broke off, squinted at her, rubbed at the corner of his eye, squinted at her again, and continued, "Just when in the messed up knot of our game session's timeline did you get taller and less scrawny?"
"Are you calling me fat and disproportionate?" she asked, the amusement dripping right out of her tone like the blood of a limp, culled wriggler.
"Crap, no, I'm not calling you fat, you f***head. I called you less scrawny. That's supposed to be a good thing. Like you leveled up from being a starving squeakbeast with one paw in its puny little grave to a well-fed squeakbeast who's ready to flex its well-fed muscles and bring the shit down on all the other hive vermin."
"You're such an idiot, Karkat," she said, grinning now, "If you ever compare me to a squeakbeast of any sort again, I'll be sure to 'bring the shit down' on you."
She got to her feet. He followed suit. There was an awkward pause as they stared at each other. Something was very, very wrong. Wrong to the point of utter perversion, as though Vriska had donned a pink unitard and proceeded to hand out untampered cotton candy with a cheery smile on her face.
"Why are you taller than me, nubby-horns?" she asked, "Did that muddy nap give you a growth spurt?"
"F*** if I know."
Just then, a twig snapped behind them.
Harry closed Ron's door carefully behind him and made his way down the the kitchen. Judging by the smells wafting up the stairs, Mrs. Weasley was already awake and cooking breakfast, so he pulled his invisibility cloak out of his pocket and draped it over himself before he made his way down the stairs and out the door. Thankfully, she didn't notice the side door open and close softly, nor did she notice that one of the scones she'd made had mysteriously disappeared from its plate on the table.
As he stepped out into the fresh morning air, Harry took a bite from his scone and attempted to remember the exact direction that the lights in the sky had gone. He glanced up at the house, oriented himself to face away from Ron's window, and set out into the fields beside the Burrow. After walking some distance through the tall, dewey grass, he began to appreciate the glow of the sun through the cloak, and worry less about the predicament he'd considered when he'd woken up that morning. Just as he stepped around cow pie in his path, Harry became aware of the rather loud voices coming from ahead of him. It seemed there were two people rather far into the field, sitting in the grass and arguing. Curiously, he strode towards them until he was close enough that the sun in his eyes was no longer an issue, and stopped short.
They were some sort of magical creatures, he guessed, and it looked like one was female and the other was male. The female was wearing a vibrant red-and-teal suit and dramatic red sunglasses, while the male was wearing some kind of dark clothing under a liberal coating of mud. From what he could see, they both had greyish skin, black hair, and warm-colored horns.
Harry wracked his brain for a creature that fit the appearance of these ones in front of him, but came up blank. Surely Hermione would know. Maybe they were some kind of tall... field... goblin? He had no idea. It was lucky that they hadn't noticed him, because they seemed to be a very violent race. The male in particular shouted every word he spoke, and when the female spoke or grinned, she flashed a mouth full of razor-sharp teeth. Quite suddenly, they stood up, and Harry shuffled back in alarm. They were both about his height, with the female being just slightly shorter.
"Why are you taller than me, nubby-horns? Did that muddy nap give you a growth-spurt?"
Wait, they spoke English?
"F*** if I know."
Harry decided that it would perhaps be wise to avoid confrontation with these creatures. Sure, he was curious, but suppose they were easily angered and had a penchant for tasting human blood? He knew that it would be prudent to find out about them from Mr. or Mrs. Weasley, maybe send an owl to Hermione, and then come look for them again.
But he really was curious, and surely it couldn't really hurt to speak with them a bit... Harry took a step forward, and a large twig snapped under his sneaker. Shoot. What were twigs even doing in the middle of a field, anyway?
The two creatures whipped around to stare in his direction with almost comical speed and alarm. After glaring at him for a few seconds with a pair of luminous orange eyes, the mud-covered male shrugged and turned back to the female. The female, however, sniffed repeatedly at the air, then stuck her tongue out of her mouth, inhaling deeply.
"What do you think you're doing? That's air you're licking, not a gourmet flesh display."
"Shut your windhole, Carcat. There's somebody here. I can smell him."
The male, Carcat, looked back at where Harry stood, frozen. Carcat then blinked, rubbed at the corner of his eye with one muddy hand and squinted.
"I don't see a damn thing. Are you certain your mysteriously freakish olfactory senses aren't in need of professional medical attention?"
"Well maybe you're the one who needs medical attention. We all know your blood is mutated, maybe there are other things wrong with you. Like your eyes. And your think pan," she scoffed, putting her hands in front of her and groping at the air as she walked toward Harry.
"F***, don't talk about it out loud! Someone could hear," he snapped, sounding angry as well as a little worried. His eyebrows were digging into each other and his fangs were visible as he bared his teeth in a grimace.
"I thought you said there wasn't anyone here," she smirked, waving her hand just in front of Harry's face. He leaned away and stepped back a bit.
"Huh, it moved." She sniffed at the air again.
Harry, seeing that this situation could only get worse if he didn't do something, pulled the invisibility cloak from his head and whipped his wand out of his pocket.
"Oh, now I can smell him better," she grinned, "Carcat, are you seeing this?"
Karkat's first impression of the person who appeared out of thin air was that it was one of those unnatural human familial relatives of John Egbert. It even had glasses and spiky black hair. No buck teeth, though. So perhaps not.
"Yeah, it's a f***headed human, popped out of thin air, goodness gracious, blah blah blah, you were right, I was wrong, are you happy now?"
"I'm always happy, nubsicles."
"Will you stop it with the stupid-ass nicknames. One of these days I'm going flip my f***ing shit so bad-assedly out of my shit pan, it'll hit Bec Noir upside the snout and send him pirouetting off into what's left of our pathetic and pointless game session."
"...Whatever you say my nubbly little friend."
Karkat took the next moment to vaguely consider what it would feel like to rip his horns out of his cranium and jam them far enough into his auditory sponges that all he would be able to hear would be the tortured screams of his own think pan. He carefully noted it as a backup plan if further shouting didn't clear up the nickname problem.
"Hey, hello?" said the human, waving a long, straight twig in the air for attention. Or perhaps as a bizarre human gesture of peace.
"F*** off," Karkat snapped irritably, "We're in the middle of a predicament here."
"Has it occurred to you that this native human might be able to help us?" Terezi interjected.
"No. And it will stay that way."
"Hello, human," Terezi said, flashing her most charming, pointy-toothed smile at him, "Could you perhaps tell us what universe we've fallen into?"
"Oh, sure, ignore me why don't you. I'll just f***ing stand here covered up to my nubbly little horns with mud while you chat up some foreign species. I can see where your priorities lie."
"Er..." said the human, glancing uncertainly from Terezi to Karkat to Terezi, "Well, you're in England, on Earth..."
"Earth? Isn't that Dave's planet? Do you know Dave? Dave Strider?"
"Er, no. I don't know any Daves, sorry. Wait, if you don't mind me asking, what kind of magical creatures are you?"
"Yeah. We're magical f***ing trolls," Karkat spat grumpily, crossing his arms over his chest.
"Oh. Okay," said the human, looking thoroughly bewildered now, "Trolls. Got it."
"Sorry, I almost forgot to introduce ourselves! I'm Terezi, and Mr. McF***ingCrabbyNubbyPants here is Karkat."
"It's a f***ing pleasure to meet you," growled Mr. McF***ingCrabbyNubblyPants a.k.a. Karkat.
"Er, okay. I'm Harry Potter," said the human boy.
"Er, Mrs. Weasley?" Harry called through the open kitchen window. Terezi and Karkat were crouched out of sight under the sill. ("What the f*** is this human-" "shhhhh!")
From inside the kitchen came a clatter of plates and eating utensils, and resounding footsteps across the wooden floorboards. Within seconds, Mrs. Weasley's relieved face appeared in the window, some stray hair escaping from her bun.
"There you are Harry! We've been looking all over for you! Come on in and get some breakfast before it gets cold," said Mrs. Weasley, leaning over the overflowing sink in order to get closer to Harry's face and hear him better over the sounds of breakfast and conversation going on in the kitchen.
"The thing is, Mrs. Weasley, this morning I went for a walk, and I found, well... There were these two trolls, and..."
"Oh my goodness! Harry! How can you still be finding ways to be getting into trouble even after you defeated You-Know-Who? And trolls, so close to our home! Where were they?"
"They were out in the field right there, Mrs. Weasley, but really, they're not so..."
"In the field, are you sure? Are you sure they were trolls, Harry? I thought they only live up in the mountains, they're usually not a problem down where we live, because they're so huge they need more land to find food..."
"Mrs. Weasles, was it?" asked Carcat, who'd stood up next to Harry and was glaring into the window with eerie orange eyes, (his lamentably short patience fuse had burned out), "The vastness of your putrid, sweeps-wide ignorance is so f***ing embarrassing just to listen to that mphff!"
Terezi belatedly wrestled Carcat's flapping air hole out of the way and dragged him back down under the window sill.
By this time, the rest of the kitchen's occupants (Ron, Ginny, and Mr. Weasley) had crowded around the window.
"Whoa, Harry, what in the name of Merlin was that?"
"Harry, what's this talk about trolls?"
"That wasn't a Muggle, was it?"
"Goodness, what a foul mouth! And was that mud all over him?"
Meanwhile, Terezi and Carcat were attempting to wrestle each other into submission, sending dirt and screamed curses flying. ("LET ME THE MOTHERF***ING GO!" "SHUT YOUR SH1T-W1P3D TR4P 4ND ST4Y OUT OF TH3 D4MN W4Y!")
"They're trolls from another universe," Harry shouted through the window over the chaos, "And I think they need our help!"
End of Chapter 1
Note: Sooo, that's the end of chapter 1. Not much happening yet, *sadface* except a few cross-species introductions and a couple subtle hints. Plenty of shenanigans. Maybe it got a little too crazy toward the end, sorry! And worry not, the full might of Hogwarts will soon be introduced. I'll get better. Heh. Really.
I fear some of the characters were a few shades off-character too. D: I'll work on that! I will. And Karkat-speak is actually a lot harder to write than I thought. I hope it turned out okay.
I'm pretty committed to this fic now, and I will work hard to keep updating it until it's complete. There are few things sadder than a fic that has been abandoned partway through. D:
Anyway, please leave a review and tell me what you think! :) Constructive criticism is welcome.