Yeah, I don't know what this is. There was this prompt on the kinkmeme and then this happened. It really just happened. This is smutty, but hopefully you'll get a laugh out of it, if nothing more. Originally all in caps, I've edited it for ease of reading while still trying to retain some of that special Justice-y flair. Disclaimer: Bioware owns Dragon Age, of course, not I.

A Treatise and Meditation on the Restoration of Justice to the Life Story of Varric Tethras, Paragon of Manliness OR Varric Tethras, Scoundrel, Storyteller, DILF.

Of the Many and Varied Perversions against Justice, the Unfuckability of Varric Tethras is the Single Most Egregious. Fear Not, Mortal Reader, for Injustice shall be Rectified. To that End, the Dwarf and his Mortal Body of Flesh shall be Frequently and Ardently Fucked by his Many Admirers.

(Aside to Anders: While I am convinced this cause is truly and undoutedly an injustice, I have considered the possibility that my spirit is being twisted by the desires of your flesh. Therefore, NO, I will not consent to writing you into this treatise of rectification. Do not attempt to sway me with any further argument regarding how nicely 'Vanders' contracts.)


The Dwarf shall bend her over a Low Chair, preferably One in his Private Quarters. By that Time, the Champion will have sucked his Male Member to sufficient Turgidity to facilitate Insertion Into Her 'Lady Parts.' The Champion will Moan Aloud, aching for Completion. Her Mortal Body will Twitch and Shiver. It is Just that Varric shall Work Her Body To Its Climax before taking the Pleasure of his Own.


Justice Demands that the Pirate be permitted to Rake Her Fingers Through Varric's Copious Chest Hair as frequently as She deems Necessary. However, if She does not first Visit Anders' Clinic to be treated for her Various Venereal Ailments, she will Not Be Allowed to ride the Dwarf until He is Limp as a Bludgeoned Eel. It would be a Violation of Justice to expose that Sexy Dwarf to any Untoward Diseases.


The Elf will allow Varric to enjoy the Magical Fisting Techniques in their Pleasurable Form, but Not in their Violent or Menacing Form. If Oil is required to Loosen the Dwarf's Deep Roads before Insertion of the Magic Fist, then it is Only Just That Oil Be Provided. In return for Magical Fisting, Varric will be allowed to bend the Elf over the same Low Chair upon which Hawke took her Pleasure. Varric will then Insert His Throbbing Mortal Member deep into the Elf's very tight and Deep Roads. As soon as the Groaning Spasm Of Completion has been achieved, both Partners shall assist if Clean Up is required. Anything else would be Unjust.


It is only Just that Sebastian's Bow, passed down to Him from his Grandfather, be required to keep Bianca Company while Choirboy is singing out for Sweet Andraste's Mercy as the Handsome Dwarf rides his Ass Extra Hard.


The Dalish Elf will lean back against her Precious Eluvian for Support as She wraps her Legs around the Dwarf's Shoulders. She shall wonder Aloud and In A Dreamy Voice whether She is missing Something Sexual in Connotation as Varric Sucks her tender little Pearl to Orgasm. She shall then say, "That was Fun, Varric, Please Do It Again." It is only Just that he Comply.


Details are Highly Negotiable. Please do Not arrest my Moral Vessel, Lady Manhands. Thank You for Your Consideration, Justice.