Part of me
She had been toying with the envelope for the last hour. She knew the baby was Louis'. She just knew it. Weren't mothers-to-be supposed to feel such things? She would have known, wouldn't she? She would have known if it had been Chuck's.
Besides, as she had told Humphrey, the odds were on her side. She and Louis have had sex so many times. With Chuck they had made love once. Just once. So it had to be Louis'. One moment of weakness could not cost her so much. It would not be fair. Maybe she had been ready to give everything up after that moment, but thankfully, really, she was so very thankful, Chuck for once did the selfless thing and actually let her go. And she was grateful, because she had been ready to give up Louis, to give up her dreams of being a princess and her fairytale just for one night with Chuck. Because, who was she kidding, maybe… okay, there was no doubt about it, Chuck definitely would have given her many more nights like that one, but regardless, it would have ended again in tears and pain. Like she and Chuck always ended, time and time again. It could not have lasted, they had tried so many times and it never lasted.
So it was a good thing Chuck had been able to think clearly and do the right thing. It was a good thing, because her mind was temporarily clouded. It must have been the guilt; she had felt so guilty after making love to Chuck, when she remembered her loving fiancé, waiting for her. Though she had to admit Chuck also used to have that clouding effect on her mind. With him around, she could never think clearly. In the past. But not now. Not anymore. Not after falling for Louis. So it must have been guilt that had driven her that night to the point of actually considering leaving Louis; because obviously Chuck Bass no longer had that hold on her.
Thank God, Chuck had realized she was acting out of guilt. Thank God, he knew her so well. Louis was going to learn her in time, although Blair shamefully acknowledged she did not want him to know her as well as Chuck did. It could be …inconvenient. Like now, feigning headaches while agonizing over these test results. The Basstard would have known immediately. Louis? He was clueless. And back at that night, after the bar mitzvah? Blair would have never been able to hide something like that from Chuck. But with Louis, despite the guilt, she did. She had rationalized it. It was, she decided, her farewell to a great love. It was her closure. It did not mean she did not want her life with Louis. But she could not tell him and apparently, he could not tell, which was just fine with her. Chuck had been right when he told her she deserved her fairytale. Chuck had been right in letting her go so she could fulfill her dreams, so Louis could give her the happily ever after he so obviously could not.
So this baby, it could not be Chuck's. She had to wonder whether she could will it to be Louis'. If she wanted this much for it to be his, would that have not played any role? She was the freaking mother after all! She hated that she did not get a say again. She hated this feeling, the feeling that a decision was out of her hands and that she had no control over what would happen. She had felt that way again, Chuck had made her feel that way when he had told her that she had to let him go. Not that she actually disagreed. When she had calmed down, when she had managed to somewhat assuage her guilt, she had realized how right Chuck had been. How both of them had eventually made the right decision.
So now, she just had to open the envelope and actually see whether the baby was Louis'. No, no, no. This was not positive thinking. She would just open the envelope and read Louis' name on the paper. Then her dreams would be safe and her fairytale would be even more complete as she would be having the baby of the man she loved and she was going to marry. Yes, that was it.
Her hand was still trembling but Blair managed to slowly pull the envelope apart. If only so that she could shove the results in Humphrey's face and finally have him shut up about it. Had she not known better, she would swear he was actually rooting for the Basstard!
The paper containing the test results was folded. God, this was worse than any other test that she had taken through the years! So many times in the past she thought that some test result might contain the key to her happiness. This time, it was not an exaggeration. This was the real deal. But she had nothing to fear.
'The baby is Louis'. 'The baby is Louis', 'the baby is Louis', she chanted over and over again as her clumsy fingers slowly unfolded the paper. In contrast to the slowness of her fingers, her eyes rapidly scanned the paper till they reached the very end where they landed on the name of the father. There it was in black and white. The end to all of her worries. The seal of her bright future. 'Louis Grimaldi' was staring back at her in bold printed letters.
Relief. Overpowering, crushing relief. The weight on her shoulders lifted and Blair could once again breathe freely without fearing that her fairytale would be taken away from her. The baby was Louis'. Hers and Louis'. And they were going to be a family, and they were going to live happily ever after.
Her hand, still trembling, hovered over her abdomen but for some reason she did not touch it. It was the shock, she numbly decided. She had been so very afraid of what would have happened if the test results bore a different name. She had thought about how she would have to tell Louis that she had slept with Chuck the night they were supposed to be celebrating their engagement; about how they would have to cancel the wedding, because surely no Bass was going to become even the adopted son or daughter of the monarch of Monaco. She had thought about the scandal. She had thought about how the press was going to have a field day with this and how her reputation was going to get ruined. She had even thought about how she was going to tell Chuck that she was carrying their baby. Only now, she did not have to do any of this.
Relief. Overpowering, crushing relief. It swept through her so overwhelming that it brought tears to her eyes. It was only a natural reaction. She had so much at risk here. And now she could just be happy. Because she was carrying Louis' baby and everything was as it should be.
Only for some reason, the tears could just not stop running. They kept flowing and flowing. It was cleansing, despite the odds being on her side she had still feared that somehow Chuck had been the one that got her pregnant. Just so he could always keep a hold on her. She knew him, she knew how he was, how he spoke about their connection. It would be just like him, to tell her to let him go while at the same time find a way to tie her up to him more strongly than ever. Chuck always, always, found ways to draw her back in, whether it had been to plot a scheme, to save Serena, even to fight a war with him. Had he been the father, this time would top all others. Only now, after looking at the results and reading Louis' name on them, she could put this fear to rest. This baby was not Chuck's and it would connect her to her future husband even more. It would bind them together like only a baby could. Chuck would no longer have any claim on her. She was free.
And now she was full out crying. No, she was actually sobbing, because that was just how relieved she felt, and she couldn't stop it, no matter how much she tried.
That night, Blair cried herself to sleep.
Hey guys! First time posting a Gossip Girl fic…This was sth that just had to be written… Many many thanks to K, MegamiTenchi for betaing this mess! She's awesome!
Before you start screaming….I have to say that this is certainly NOT the way I want the show to play out, and I want and hope for a Bass baby so so much… However, this fic will be based on the idea of what would have been if the baby was actually Louis'. Still it is a Chuck and Blair fic, because I wouldn't be able to write anything this fic is season 5-ish…it will only borrow some of the stuff happening on the show…as my hope is that it is already AU! (and I tend to skip boring stuff when watching…)
This prologue of sorts is more of a drabble than an actual chapter… but as I can't get into B's head this season…this was my pathetic attempt to do it.
Hm… finally, a warning… as this probably will get a bit dark and will deal with sensitive subjects in the future.
Sorry for the long AN, it won't happen again! Hope you enjoyed!