Noy's Spam Cabinet of Spamfics

~Noy Telinú~

Warning: spam does not equal good substitute for turkey on Christmas. Nuh uh.

Caution: if you see your old business partner who has been dead for 7 years trying to tell you that you're evil, it would be a good idea to change your ways…

Spam: available wherever fake ham is sold.

Happy Holiday Inn: everyone! From the Text!

You have been warned…


9 Spams a Spamming: Nabiki got her Scrooge face on

Mrs. Tendo was dead, dead as a Batman's parents or Uncle Ben. And she has been for ten long years.

Her middle-est daughter, Nabiki, mourned her passing every year, secretly.

It was Christmas eve, and Nabiki had herself a business selling things and blackmailing people working out of a tiny, damaged building covered in snow.

Currently, her best customer was finishing up spending money.

"And that's it for today Kuno baby, thanks for your money." Nabiki smiled as she finished selling photos to Kuno.

"Thoust a mean one, Nabiki Tendo." Kuno frowned and left.

Nabiki shrugged and counted her money.

"So despicable…" Ranma sighed in disgust from his chair in the back. "It's bad enough you're selling photos of me, why do I have to help as well?!"

Nabiki tapped her lips in fake thought. "Oh, I don't know, it MIGHT be because I have evidence of you kissing Shampoo…"

"SHE kissed ME!" Ranma complained. "And you KNOW that because YOU took the photo!"

Nabiki blinked. "And your point is?"

Ranma grumbled and did mindless paperwork.

"Hey Ranma, what do you think, should you pose in a bikini or a Santa suit?" Nabiki asked smirking.

Ranma banged his head on his tiny desk. "I hate you."

"I know." Nabiki smiled.

*Ding ding dingding* went the bell of Nabiki's tiny, cold shop.

"Hello? Nabiki?" Sayuri asked as she came into the shop. "Yuka and I… well… you see…"

Nabiki raised an eyebrow. "GO OoOon…"

"Um…" Sayuri gulped. "Yuka…"

Yuka spoke up. "We'd like to ask you for a donation for the school, we don't have any heating anymore."

Nabiki shakily put down her monocle that she had on and took off her top hat. "Please, shut the door… Ranma…"

Ranma did so, wisely putting himself on the outside of the door.

*Clunk* went the door closing.

"What the FREAKING HELL!" Nabiki pounded her desk. "WHY doesn't the school have HEATING?!"

"Nabiki, the Principal is being cheap again-" Sayuri answered fast.

"THIS IS OUTRAGOUS!" Nabiki knocked a cup of pencils off her desk. "IT'S STUPID!"

Sayuri and Yuka gulped.

"How am I supposed to do my schoolwork when its freezing inside?! HUH? HUH!" Nabiki growled. "THAT CHEAPSKAKE!"

Ranma heard a muffled Nabiki yell as he rubbed his forehead. 'Don't worry… be happy…'

"He expects US to pay for it…" Nabiki sat back down, swearing. "For US to pay for it, when he's swimming in a pool of money. I'm telling you, that guy is CRAZY I TELL YOU! And just to think, we finally got the heaters in the first place… "

Sayuri and Yuka looked at each other fearfully.

Nabiki looked up. "Go and tell Kuno this… tell him to pay for it or I will freeze… say that there will be no more photos until its back on… got it?"

Both of them nodded.

"I'm not paying one yen into that…" Nabiki looked away in disgust.

"What if Kuno says no?" Yuka asked.

Nabiki shrugged. "Then you'll all freeze to death. I'm staying home if that happens."

"Not even a little bit?" Sayuri asked. "You can actually pay for it… maybe…"

"NO!" Nabiki scowled. "Get out."

"But!" Yuka piped up.

"GET OUT!" Nabiki pounded her desk.

"…" Both of them backed out of the building. "Merry Christmas Nabiki…"

"Depends, do I get a present from you?" Nabiki crossed her arms.

"…" Yuka hesitated. "Uh… no."

"Then no. Bye!" Nabiki pointed to the door, eyes cold.

The two left in a flash.

"Jeeze Nabiki, what was that about?" Ranma asked as he walked back in.

"They wanted me to… to… BLEAH… GIVE away money…" Nabiki shivered. "So sickening…"

"Huh?" Ranma scratched his head. "What for?"

Nabiki shuddered. "Heating the school. Now back to work! There's still a ton of paperwork to do."

Ranma groaned.

That's when Akane came in through the door. "Nabiki! Sis, merry Christmas!"

"Merry Christmas sis." Nabiki smiled. "Did you get my present yet?"

Akane sighed. "Hey Ranma… what are you doing here?"

Ranma played with his pigtail. "Well… you see…"

"He owes me… BIG time." Nabiki smirked.

Akane shook her head. "Well, it's getting dark. We should go home now… and RANMA still needs to go buy his presents for people… not that I would want one or anything…"

Nabiki laughed. "Sure… ok, I'm going… can't wait for big Sis's cooking…"

Ranma sighed and started to leave.

"Hold up, where are YOU going Saotome?" Nabiki narrowed her eyes. "All that work is still unfinished."

Ranma slumped. "But that is like 3 days worth!"

"…" Nabiki blinked. "So? Get back to work!"

"NABIKI!" Akane yelled. "That's mean! Besides, auntie wouldn't like it if Ranma missed out for Christmas!"

Nabiki shrugged. "Your problem, not mine."

Ranma grit his teeth. "That's it, bye!"

As Ranma left Nabiki smirked. "Hey sis, guess what I got photos of…"

Ranma quickly got back into the building. "DON'T YOU DARE!"

Akane was now curious. "What? What is it?"

"NOTHING!" Ranma laughed nervously. "Nothing, just some… stupid… thing…"

Akane frowned. "Sis, what is it?"

Nabiki's grin grew wider. "Oh just a little thing of Ranma…."

"EMBERRASSING NAKED PHOTOS!" Ranma said suddenly.

"…" Akane was stunned silent.

"…" Ranma looked away.

"… sure, lets go with that…" Nabiki shrugged. "Bye Ranma, see you on the 26th!"

"What?" Ranma's eye twitched. "What about tomorrow?"

Nabiki laughed. "I can't stay here tomorrow, I got a life!"

Akane shook her head. "Come on Ranma, let's go home."

The middle-est Tendo sighed. "Fine, fine, you are free to go… but you owe me double now."

Ranma sighed in relief.

"Ranma kissed Shampoo, look, see?" Nabiki said suddenly.

"RANMA!" Akane pounded the pigtailed lad.

Nabiki laughed.


"Goodnight everybody!" Nabiki smiled as she entered her room. "Hope you got me something good this year!"

With a grin on her face, Nabiki took out a giant lollipop that she stole from her younger sister.

She enjoyed the lollipop, licking it while chuckling evilly.

"Ah, this brings back memories…" Nabiki laughed. "Good times… GOOD times…"

Suddenly, the room filled with smoke, so much so that you couldn't see anything in the room.

Nabiki looked; an eyebrow raised, but continued eating her stolen treat.

"Nabiki…" A voice echoed throughout the room. "Nabiki…"

Said girl rolled her eyes. "Yeah, what do you want?"

Suddenly, appearing from the smoke was a woman, a woman dressed in white with short blue hair…

Nabiki sighed. "Akane, trying to go all Christmas Carol on me won't work."

"I hope that isn't true, daughter." The woman shook her head sadly.

"…" Nabiki tilted her head. "Seriously Saotome, it didn't work with Happosai, it won't work with me."

"Oh, I was afraid of this…" The woman looked sad. "Do you not believe in ghosts, daughter?"

The youngest Tendo rolled her eyes. "Well, duh. To not believe in these things would be really stupid after everything else that happens here."

"…" The woman was momentarily stunned. "Then will you listen to me?"

Nabiki shook her head. "Get out of here Akane, dressing up as Mom just to scare me is low."

"Oh poor, misguided daughter… Nabiki dear, you will be haunted by three ghosts. Hopefully you will learn from your mistakes and become a better person…" The woman faded away.

"…" Nabiki narrowed her eyes. "It's supposed to be spirits! Whatever, bring it on Ranma!"

But nothing happened other than the fog fading away.

With a shrug, Nabiki finished her lollipop and climbed into bed, dreaming about what she would get from the others.


"Mmm… no, you shouldn't have…" Nabiki mumbled in her sleep. "That isn't nearly enough…"

Suddenly, the bed shook and Nabiki fell out.

"Damn it Saotome, it's too early…" The middle-est Tendo complained.

That's when she noticed that there were flames in her room… and there was also a CAR!

"What the?" Nabiki rubbed her eyes. "Who left THIS here?"

{Great Scott!} A voice came from inside the car, speaking in English. {This isn't right! There's no possible way for the year to be like this! Gage must be broken…}

Nabiki shook her head and got up. "I need my sleep. AKANE! Get rid of this car!"

The car opened up to reveal an old man with wild crazy hair in a labcoat.

{Oh, THERE you are!} The man looked at Nabiki. {Come on, we don't have time for lying around!}

{What's going on here? Why are you in my room?!}Nabiki yelled in English.

{Doctor Emmet Brown, and I have a job to do here. So hurry up and get in!} Doc answered.

Nabiki rolled her eyes. {And what is this job? I'm not going anywhere you know.}

{I'm here to take you to see your past Christmases… it pays some bills…} Doc shrugged.

{Riiiigggghhhttt…} Nabiki rolled her eyes. {I'm going to bed now.}

Suddenly, Nabiki found herself in the passenger seat of the Delorian.

"HEY!" Nabiki yelled in annoyance. {GET ME OUT OF THIS THING!}

Doc got back in the car and started it up. {When this reaches 88mph, you will see some serious shit!}

Suddenly, the car flew out of Nabiki's bedroom into the sky.

"TRAVELING BACK IN TIME! ARE YOU CRAZY!?" NAbiki's screams went unheard as the time travelling flying car zoomed into the past, leaving twin trails of flames behind it.


The Delorian came to a stop inside the Tendo dojo in a flash, screeching to a halt.

{Here we are, the first stop, Christmas 1976… that doesn't seem right…} Doc scratched his head.

Nabiki was ejected out of the car and landed right on her face.

"YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS!" Nabiki yelled as she got up, only to gasp at the sight.

"Open it Akane!" A voice of a woman echoed through the dojo.

"MOM?" Nabiki's eyes widened.

{I guess it is right after all…} Doc mumbled. {Still doesn't explain the time differences not adding up at all…}

"… Mom…" Nabiki's body shook as she saw her mother there, Akane in her lap.

Chibi past Nabiki sat there quietly, Christmas dress on.

"YAY!" Akane opened up her present, revealing a tiny her sized martial arts gi.

"This… this was…" Nabiki fell to her knees, eyes watering.

"Here, Akane put the trash here…" chibi Kasumi instructed.

"Yes Big Sister." Akane said as she did so. "Can I put it on Moma?"

Her mother nodded and tiny Akane ran off.

Soun hugged his wife and smiled.

Doc got out and walked up to her. {Don't worry, we cannot be seen, touched, or heard. After messing with the past too much, I made some adjustments, much safer this way.}

"No… NO GET ME OUT OF HERE NOW!" Nabiki demanded of the Doctor.

Doc looked at his watch. {No can do, you have another two minutes here. This is intended to be life changing you know.}

"Nabiki, want candy?" Tiny Kasumi asked.

Chibi Nabiki nodded and followed her sister out of the Dojo.

"GET ME OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW!" Nabiki screeched, heart racing.

Chibi Nabiki was just outside the dojo when her mother spoke.

"Soun… when do we tell them? About…" She said softly.

Chibi Nabiki stopped and hung around right outside the dojo.

Nabiki ran over to the delorian, trying to open the door to no avail.

"I… I don't know when… what did the doctor say?" Soun asked, worry on his face.

"Its… the doctor informed me… I…" Her mother cried. "It's too late for any treatment…"

Chibi Nabiki tilted her head as she listened in. Her future counterpart threw a fit.

"That's… that's bad news… yes…" Soun gulped. "I was afraid of that…"

"Dear… they've given me 3 months to live at best…" The Tendo mother explained. "I… don't know what to tell them…"

Nabiki stormed out of the dojo, smoldering with rage… and crying just like her young counterpart.


The next jump was quiet as Nabiki sat in the DeLorean with her arms crossed, looking out the window. Doc didn't say anything either. He didn't want to cause a screamfest.

With a screech, the Delorean time machine skidded into its next destination. It was a cemetery, a painfully familiar one for Nabiki. A familiar though younger group gathered in the snow.

Nabiki scowled as they landed and glared at Doc. {No. No, not here. NO, NO! I am NOT doing it!}

Doc sighed as he pressed a button, causing Nabiki to fly out into the snow. {Christmas 1977. I am sorry.}

Nabiki's head popped up as she took in the scene in front of her. Chibi Nabiki wore an emotionless mask, standing partly away from the others. Akane had a Star Wars shirt on and carried a colorful cardboard box with photos of Star Wars toys on it. Kasumi wore all black and had a cookbook in her hands. Soun's tears were frozen.

"See them, Moma? I'm gonna get you one. I promise." Akane showed the box to the grave. "An Obi-Wan one… Cuz you are my Obi-Wan…"

Soun cried harder at that.

Nabiki pounded the ground, cursing silently. 'It was the last movie she saw… The last damn movie! And Akane is… HGNNNGGG!'

The middlest Tendo curled up in a ball, not able to take it anymore.

Doc watched on from his time machine as Nabiki had her moment. 'It is painful, but it will work. I hope.'

Nabiki lay in the snow well after her past family had left. Doc got out and helped her up.

{Come, there is nothing more to see here,} Doc stated.

Nabiki nodded and got up, hurrying back towards the vehicle.

She almost made it when she heard her younger self cry out.

{Hold on. More stuff.} Doc forced her to turn around and Nabiki saw her past self hugging the headstone, crying pitifully.

"It's all my fault, isn't it, Mommy?!" Chibi Nabiki sobbed. "I wasn't good enough! I tried, Mommy! I tried! But I didn't get enough money! I asked, I stole, I even sold things… But it wasn't enough! Please, I'll do anything! Please just come back! I'll be a good girl! No, the best girl in the history of girls! Just please come back! Please, Mommy, please!"

Nabiki held her head in her hands, struggling and failing to hold back her tears.

Chibi Nabiki took out a piece of paper with a wish on it and tore it to pieces in anger. "THEY LIED! THEY LIED TO ME! THEY SAID IT WOULD GRANT A WISH! THEY PROMISED! A HUNDRED YEN OF LIES! IT'S BEEN MONTHS! MONTHS!"

Nabiki collapsed and was comforted by Doc. She bawled just like her past self.

Chibi Nabiki knelt at the tombstone and clenched her fists. "You can't rely on anyone but yourself… I will bring you back, Mommy. I will get the money… somehow."

With that, Chibi Nabiki ran back home.

Nabiki was carried into the car and strapped in. She pulled her shirt over her legs and pulled her head down like a turtle. 'Damn you… I tried really, really hard to forget all these things…'

Not able to make eye contact, Doc flew through the air onward towards the next destination.


Doc frowned at the sight before him. They were back in Nabiki's room and Nabiki was talking to Ranma. 'It doesn't make any sense. 1993? No, it can't be…'

But it was, and Nabiki looked upon her past self with a sigh. "Great, this one…"

"Would I do a thing like that?" Nabiki got out her wallet. "And here we are practically family already. If you need help all you have to do is ask me."

Nabiki handed Ranma 5000 yen.

"Gee, thanks Nabiki." Ranma smiled and accepted the money. "And let's keep this our little secret, huh?"

"Of course, it's not like you can tell Akane that you borrowed money from me to pay for her present now is it?" Nabiki winked.

Ranma walked out of the room. "Ok, it's a deal then."

"Remember any time now." Nabiki waved with a smirk. "Bye."

The Nabiki from the future was somber. {So long ago… yet so recent…}

Doc raised an eyebrow. {About that…}

{Do you know anything about it?!} Nabiki turned and glared at him, making a demon head just like her father.

Doc shook his head quickly and backed up, terrified at the sight.

{Then SHUT UP!} Nabiki roared. {I haven't aged, haven't moved on in YEARS! Here I was nice yes, tried it once, got bored, made a profit anyway with Ranma because he attracts girls to him so damn well! I do my best to forget this, forget that I should be twice as old at least! To have made my mark on the world, to rule it and profit from it! But somehow, for some dammed reason I've been 17 going on 18 since the 80's! Unless you know some way to fix this, LEAVE ME BE!}

Doc was hiding in the delorian, realizing that he was way over his head.

{I have no time to play your stupid, pathetic, useless, Christmas Carol games!} Nabiki punched the Delorian and the world went bright white.


Nabiki jolted awake, seething as her hand hit the wall. She bit her lip to keep from screaming in pain. Her eyes happened to find the alarm clock.

'One, huh? Figures.' Nabiki grumbled.

She sucked her hand, tears watering up in her eyes.

That's when she heard a sound that she both hoped for and feared…


Author's notes: wow. Harsh Nabiki... Anyway I'm back! Yay text! The computer has been broken for months, sorry. So this took forever. Happy Christmas people! Hopefully Noy can post more soon. Hopefully... Until then, have faith! the Text loves you!