A/N: I decided to give you guys a little back story, just because I love you :)
I had mentioned what Quinn's summer was like briefly within the "Distracting Quinn Fabray" story I'm working on. This was basically written because of a few lines about Quinn wondering why Rachel didn't attend her pool party, and in an earlier chapter where Quinn was worried her mom would embarrass her by telling Rachel what she said about her over the summer. I hope you like it; just let me know either way. Thanks!
Disclaimer: I don't own Glee or Ryan Seacrest
Loving Rachel Berry
Her feelings had been building up since Prom, though if she allowed herself to admit it they were there much longer than that. Prom was when she finally acknowledged that maybe she felt a little something for Rachel Berry. Then Finn dumped her at a funeral because he still wanted Rachel. She wasn't ready to fight for the girl, but she sure as hell didn't want that boy to get her.
She was hoping to get over the brunette and thought that sabotaging their chances at Nationals would at least keep her preoccupied, and it may have worked until Santana intervened. Santana called her out on her shit and now she had to face the facts that she just wanted someone to love her. And not just anyone, but Rachel Fucking Berry. It was hard admitting to herself that she was in love with the diva, and seeing Finn kiss her on stage in front of thousands of people was enough to almost destroy her.
For the entire flight back to Ohio, Quinn thought about her entire relationship with Rachel. How the girl was always there for her. The more she thought about it the more she realized that Rachel was the one constant in her life. As she sat alone on the plane ride, she started to convince herself to maybe fight for the girl. Or at the very least, maybe spend time with the girl and see if she had a chance. Hell, at this point she'd settle for having Rachel as her friend. They used to be friends once, or at least she thought so.
The summer after Quinn gave up Beth, Rachel came around to check on her. It was funny, because of all the people in glee it was Rachel that Quinn wanted to see the most. And Rachel was the only one to check on her all summer. She stopped by everyday with a different excuse. She must have assumed that Quinn would send her away, but the blonde hated being alone and she wasn't really on the best terms with her mother at the time so she craved company; even if it was just the tiny brunette.
One day Rachel would bring homemade vegan cookies and the next a movie to watch. One time she brought some crafts that she had been working on and wanted Quinn to help her. Some days she'd just come with a song that she wanted to play for the blonde because she thought she'd like it. Eventually Quinn began to look forward to hearing the excuses Rachel would have. And about halfway through the summer she decided to head over to the brunette's house and surprise her instead. She had never seen the diva smile that big before, so she decided on making it a weekly thing. They began going on walks and talking about real things. The thing that really bonded them was Shelby.
Rachel had been crushed by the woman, if only Quinn had known that sooner. She was ashamed that she knew so little about her classmate. They had spent a year together in glee and she knew nothing about her aside from her taste in boys and her love for Broadway. The fact that they constantly fought over Finn seemed stupid now, as they shared their real heartache. Rachel actually opened up to her about how much Shelby's rejection hurt her. It amazed Quinn how the girl could just go on as if nothing happened. No one in glee knew what Rachel was going through, for some reason being the only one who knew made Quinn feel special.
Their summer went by too fast and as school approached both girls worried about what it would mean to their newly formed friendship. Quinn was planning on rejoining Cheerios and Rachel had Finn. As the school year began, their friendship became a distant memory that both girls silently vowed to keep in the past. And then Sam happened and Finn happened…again. Quinn felt guilty dating Finn secretly; because she knew it'd hurt the brunette but she also knew that it would get Rachel to talk to her. They barely spoke all school year and a part of her craved the diva's attention. Then Rachel had to go and write such a fantastically heart breaking song which made Quinn begrudgingly proud of her.
It hurt Quinn that Rachel would think she was a cheater still (though she had to admit that she had a spotty record), especially after they almost bonded again over the whole Rachel wanting a nose job thing. Quinn relished the time they spent working on the duet, she felt like she was getting her friend back. She hated that Rachel felt she needed a nose job in the first place, but who was she to say not to? So they came one step forward in renewing their friendship only to have Rachel accuse her of cheating on Finn and then Rachel blatantly sang a love song to Finn in front of her. God the girl drove her crazy sometimes.
Quinn regretted the whole 'I wanna be Prom Queen craziness' especially when it ended up with her slapping Rachel. When the brunette comforted her after getting slapped, she knew how far she had fallen. She was at rock bottom. But somehow, Rachel seemed to make it seem almost okay. She even got her back out on the dance floor. After hearing Rachel's kind words and witnessing Finn's insensitivity, she realized that it wasn't Finn who picked out her corsage. And when she admitted to herself that she preferred that it was Rachel who chose it, she had to admit a few more things as well.
And then the break up happened and then New York and the infamous kiss and now she was right back where she started. She loved Rachel Berry, and she was actually okay with it because whenever she was around Rachel she felt things. Sometimes the things weren't good, but it was far better to feel anything than remain the cold, emotionless person her father would have been proud of. Rachel brought out all kinds of emotions in her, and she began to crave those feelings no matter what they were. As clique as it sounded maybe she didn't love Rachel, maybe she loved the way Rachel made her feel. There was only one way to find out which one it was…
When she got home from New York, she spent a few days dwelling on her newfound feelings for Rachel before she decided it was time to find out for sure what they meant. She called up everyone from glee and decided to have a pool party. Just before the party was set to start, Rachel sent her a text.
From Rachel: Thank you for the invite, Quinn. But I regret to inform you that I am unable to attend.
Quinn tried to appear unaffected, but the diva declining her invitation stung. She typed and retyped before settling on a neutral response.
From Quinn: Sorry you can't make it. Maybe next time?
From Rachel: Yes, next time. Well, tell everyone hi.
From Quinn: Ok.
From Rachel: Thanks again for the invite. Have fun.
Quinn didn't respond back. How could she? How could she have fun when the whole reason she was throwing the party was to see Rachel. And the fact that the girl would have been wearing a bikini was not lost on the disappointed and heart broken blonde.
Quinn did try to have fun, but she was distracted. Everyone made it except Rachel…and Finn. That was the part that was disconcerting. She couldn't clear her mind of what they were probably doing together. Why else couldn't they make it?
Her friends came and left and she barely noticed. At one point she knew they were getting annoyed with her because she wasn't emotionally present at all. She was just running through the motions. It took rejection to realize how deep her feelings for the diva truly ran. If she couldn't shake them, she had to admit them to someone other than herself. It took two more days for her to get the courage to come out to her mother.
Judy Fabray was sitting in the kitchen one morning, reading her paper and drinking her coffee when her daughter shyly approached her.
"Mom, can we talk?"
She must have been able to tell by the tone of her voice that it was serious because she sat the paper down and looked up at Quinn. "Of course dear. I've been hoping to talk to you but you've been so closed off since New York. I thought your party with your friends would snap you out of it but you almost seem worse."
"Mom." Quinn interrupted.
"Sorry. So how was your pool party?"
"Well, the girl I wanted to see in a bikini didn't even make it."
Judy stared at her daughter and started to giggle nervously, hoping that it was a joke.
"Not joking, Mom. While I was in New York I realized that I was gay."
"Oh, honey. Everyone in New York thinks they're gay."
Quinn looked at her mom incredulously. She had no words to argue with her mom's moronic logic.
"So what are your plans this weekend?" Judy asked as she took a sip of coffee and returned her attention to her newspaper.
Quinn left the room shaking her head and feeling more confused than ever. That did not go the way she intended, and now she had no clue how to proceed.
The next day, Judy was out by the pool sunbathing. Quinn slowly approached her, took a deep breath and spoke quickly as she exhaled. "It wasn't about New York; I've been feeling this way for a while. You see, there's a girl and I really like her. But after New York she got back together with her boyfriend and then didn't even show up to my party. Neither of them did, which means they were together which basically hurts even worse. And I'm not joining glee this year because I'd die if I had to see them together every day…"
Judy sat up halfway through Quinn's spiel and finally cut in, which ultimately allowed her daughter to take a breath. "Sweetheart. I think you're just confused. Are you sure it isn't the boy that you like and not this girl?"
"I'm sure Mom. I want to do stuff with her that I never wanted to do to a boy."
Judy stared at her daughter wide-eyed. She drug Quinn to church with her the next day and had her talk to their pastor after the sermon. Quinn was forced to listen to how she was the worst kind of sinner and that she was going to go to hell if she didn't cast off those sinful desires. That night in bed, she had her first sex dream about Rachel.
Three days later, when she realized her mother was avoiding her, she decided that she would try her best to get the elder Fabray's attention. After getting the Ryan Seacrest tattoo (which she immediately regretted) and the nose ring, she went home to talk to her mom again. Judy took one look at her and drug her back to their pastor. She listened as they spouted verses at her and was told that it was just a rebellious phase and they just needed to pray harder for her to find her way. She smoked her first cigarette that afternoon.
She spent the rest of the week avoiding her mom, and by extension their house. She bought some new clothes and decided that she would become the rebel they thought she was. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she wondered what Rachel would think of her if she saw her. She was bumming a cigarette off some old dude in the park, when she thought her mind was playing tricks on her. But it wasn't some figment of her imagination; it really was Rachel standing at the edge of the park watching her. As she thanked the skater for the smoke, she made her way toward the brunette that had been on her mind for as long as she can remember.
"Hey." Quinn breathed out with a puff of smoke, making Rachel curl up her nose in disgust. The blonde immediately wanted to get rid of the cigarette when she saw Rachel's reaction, but she was also pissed that the girl ditched her party so she kept the cigarette between her fingers as she spoke.
"Quinn?" Rachel looked her up and down thoroughly before continuing. "How has your summer been?"
"Enlightening. How's yours?"
They stared at each other for several minutes, standing in an uncomfortable silence. Rachel shifted uncomfortably.
"Well, it was good to see you again Quinn." Rachel finally said into the silence.
There was so much Quinn wish she had the guts to say, starting with 'Please don't leave me.' But she settled on another drag from her cigarette and a simple, "You too, Rachel."
The brunette nodded curtly. "See you in glee if I don't see you before."
Quinn remained silent, and Rachel excused herself. When she went home that day, she stopped by the drug store and bought some pink hair dye. She had been avoiding her mom for awhile now because when they were together it'd either lead to an argument or to her mom giving her the silent treatment and looking oh so disappointed.
Quinn stepped out of the bathroom with her newly colored hair. Her mom's eyes widened in shock as her mouth fell open. Quinn smirked and grabbed her cigarettes to head outside to smoke. "Stop." She heard her mother's voice, but it came out unsteady. The younger blonde stopped mid-step and faced her mom. Judy spoke again. "Please, sit down and talk to me."
"Why? It'll just end up with you denying that I ever said anything that you deemed unacceptable and you taking me to church where you'll pray for my soul."
"I'm worried about you Quinn. It isn't even about this gay thing."
"Gay thing? Mom, it isn't a thing it's who I am."
"What I'm worried about is the rest of it. You got a tattoo, and not even a good one. And your hair is pink Quinn."
"It's hard. Mom, you can't accept who I am and Rachel can't stand who I've become…"
"The girl I'm in love with."
"Tell me about her." Judy said as she patted the couch, motioning Quinn to set beside her.
Quinn sighed, but decided to sit beside her mom. She didn't really have anything else to lose.
"You know Rachel, from glee?"
Judy thought about it for a moment then nodded her head in recognition. "The little one who can sing really well?"
Quinn smiled at the description. Judy couldn't help noticing that her daughter's whole face lit up just at the mention of the girl.
"Mom, that voice of hers. I never told anyone, but when I was pregnant with Beth." She paused as her daughter's name got stuck on her lips. "She would kick so hard every time Rachel sang. And even now, when she sings I can't help but be mesmerized by it. My heart actually beats faster."
Judy smiled as her daughter finally opened up to her. She remained silent, hoping Quinn would continue. She did. "When she talks to me, even if we're arguing, my whole body feels like it's on fire. And she's beautiful mom, only she doesn't think she is. And those skirts she wears…" She trailed off as she inadvertently pictured Rachel in one of those skirts.
"Have you ever had those thoughts about any other girls?"
"In Cheerios, I guess if I think about it I did pay a little more attention than I should have. And Santana and I made out before. I am gay; you have to accept that Mom."
Judy nodded slowly.
"But, what you're asking. How I feel about Rachel. I've never felt that way about anyone before, boy or girl. Not with Finn or Sam, even when I was with Puck. Mom, Rachel does things to me that I don't understand. All I know is that I want to try to understand it. I think she could be the one."
They talked a little while longer, about everything. About losing National's, about Beth, but mostly about Rachel. Quinn knew that her mom was trying, but it'd take a lot more than one heart to heart. She was surprised when her mom suggested they go to therapy together, and she even promised never to drag her to their pastor again. Both decided maybe it would be best if they looked for a new church altogether. Although Quinn didn't feel the need to rebel anymore, she did enjoy the freedom of her new make-over. And as much as she loved that she was on the right track with her mom, she was feeling more lonely than ever. She had distanced herself from her friends and knew that she was not planning on joining glee in the fall, so she needed to find new friends.
One summer afternoon, she headed back to the park. The same one she last saw Rachel at, a part of her hoped she'd see the girl again. That's why she kept going back. She never saw the brunette, but she did start talking to some of the girls that were hanging around out there. In school, they were known as skanks. Quinn knew their reputation; she also knew that they would be the last people any of her old friends would expect to see her with. They sort of became her shield; she knew no one would dare approach her with them around. And her plan worked too, until school started.
She should have figured that the one person who would brave the skanks for her would be Rachel. She had to admit that she fell just a little harder for the girl when she saw Rachel carefully approach her and her new cohorts under the bleachers. Of course Rachel wanted her to re-join glee. Quinn knew she would, what she didn't count on was Rachel telling her that she missed her. The blonde's breath hitched at Rachel's words, though she tried to appear apathetic. Rachel even brought up the old skater guy from the park; did she really think that it was Quinn's boyfriend? Gross, on so many levels.
Quinn wanted to run after Rachel as soon as she walked away from her, but she forced herself to stay behind. She did give in eventually and went to the auditorium to watch her old friends perform. What she saw nearly broke her heart. They were singing and having fun…without her. Rachel looked happy; she didn't seem to be missing her at all. Quinn walked out from the balcony with her head hung low. What was she expecting, really?
A few days later, Shelby's return rocked her to her core. Beth was so close. As she listened to the woman talk about how much she missed Rachel, she wanted to yell at her. She wanted to say, 'I hope you were heart broken, because what you did broke Rachel. You don't deserve to know someone like her.' But her issues with Shelby weren't about Rachel, that would have to be settled a different day. Today she wanted to get the chance to know Beth.
Shelby didn't want the "new Quinn" anywhere near her daughter, and Quinn could hardly blame her for it. A few days later when she and Shelby had another heart to heart, she got to see a picture of Beth but that would never be enough. She needed more. She decided that she would do whatever it took to get Beth back. But first she had to re-join glee. She knew seeing Rachel with Finn could very well break her beyond repair, but she also knew that if she got Beth back she didn't want anyone by her side more than Rachel. And the only way Rachel would be there for her was if they were once again in glee together. She would do whatever it took to get everything she wanted. So that evening after school, she stopped at the drug store and bought some blonde hair dye. Tomorrow would be the beginning of everything…