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It was another one of those stupid 'Awareness' weeks. They'd had to sit through some stupid seminar or whatever about the importance of protecting yourself, because at this young age, you were starting to explore the more physical sides of relationships. Only, it wasn't some 'sex awareness' week or something, Figgins would be too worried that would lead to more teenage pregnancies, this was some kind of public service announcement that spanned a week.
The theme was simple; no means no.
It wasn't exactly original but then again, things like these probably lost the originality the fifth time they did them or something. Puck could absently remember sleeping through one of these in Freshman year. Maybe even the year before that too. Except Finn raises his hand from right beside Puck in the middle of one of the long winded talks about a person's right to refuse sexual intercourse, and Puck's just a little worried about this question.
"I'm sorry but, why are the guys here?" Okay, now Puck's confused too, because what the hell? "I mean, none of us are really going to like, force anyone into that, I mean, I know that I wouldn't ever do that." Puck doesn't hear the response from the speaker, although Finn doesn't seem to understand that either, but Puck's too busy staring at Finn to really get it.
Because apparently, Finn doesn't believe that rape goes both ways. Finn believes that only girls can be raped and boys can rape. Puck feels like he's actually stopped breathing for a minute before the world snaps back to him and he's trying to figure out if anyone noticed that.
But the day goes on, and when they get to glee, Puck can't even just take a load off and not think about this stupid week, because Finn starts again.
"I just don't get it. I mean, how can a guy get raped?" The breath leaves Puck in a whoosh, like he's been punched in the gut even as the conversation starts up around him. "I mean, sure I can see how like, a guy could get raped by another guy," his cheeks flush red because Finn's just that way, "but it's just, well, if a guy doesn't want sex he shouldn't, like, y'know,"
"As uninformed as your view on the matter is, Finn, it's entirely possible. The body reacts without consent from the mind sometimes and if the matter is forced, well, erections are achievable even when you're not in the mood." Kurt just blazes it out, completely casually and something tingles down the back of Puck's spine as his gut clenches.
He wants to say something, change the fucking subject and just stop talking about it, he wants to tell Finn to just shut up and accept it, but he's convinced that if he opens his mouth he'll either start crying like a fucking idiot or his voice will crack and he is so not going there in the middle of glee.
"Oh, come on. Sure, a guy can not want sex at some point, but seriously? If you don't want it what guy isn't going to be able to fight off a girl?" Quinn glares over at Kurt, glancing towards Finn. "If a guy says he didn't want sex and she still took it, it's probably just some sick little fantasy he was trying to play out."
Puck was going to puke, he was biting through his inner lip and the blood was starting to well up and he was going to puke all over the fucking risers if they didn't shut the fuck up.
"How can you think that? Physiologically speaking, men don't always want sex, but can fulfil the purpose. Stimulation causes the blood flow which provides the ability to perform the deed even while not fully wanting it. It's the same reason why a girl can be raped but still achieve orgasm if the attacker is that sadistic." He doesn't actually know what is funnier (in that laugh while you cry sort of way) the fact that Finn and Quinn are on the 'it can't happen' side of things and saying all the stuff he's been thinking for years or that Kurt and Rachel are on the 'it's possible' side of things and sound a little like a self-help book.
"Yeah, sure, but you honestly think that a guy can't push off a girl and walk away? The only way that someone like me could force a guy into sex is if I already had him tied up. Which means kinky games. So he's on board that far and then says no?"
"What if it were you? What if your boyfriend and you were trying something new, and you were tied down to give up control and half way through you said no. Is it rape if he keeps going?"
"Then how is it different for a boy?"
"Because, like, all guys want sex don't they? It's all they ever talk about."
"Oh my God, would you shut up?" Santana's voice is sharp and crisp and Puck wishes he could actually hear it properly through the rush of blood in his ears. "Puck? Are you okay?" It makes sense that San would notice shit, hell, San notices just about everything that goes on with him, doesn't she? She noticed back then too, and he just brushed her off because he had thought the same way Finn did. And then, well, he'd said no. He'd said no about ten times and the-
Holy shit he's going to hyperventilate. He catches everyone just staring and Rachel gets up to come a little closer. Her hand gets as far as his arm before he's flinching away from it and out of his seat and just, God, he just walks out. He doesn't even know where he walks to, or why he's walking, but he cannot sit there and listen to them anymore. His mind just runs away with it and Quinn's voice keeps repeating in his head and he's wondering if that's seriously the case. Because he's never really believed that it happened. It was one of those things he just brushed aside and ignored.
There was no way to tell how far he walked, or how long for, but he ended up at the park eventually, just sitting on the swing and thinking. It was freezing and he left all his shit at school but he just didn't care, because he had to get away from Finn's dumb confusion and Quinn's judging and Kurt's understanding and Rachel's attempt to inform and Santana's concern. It just wasn't enough to stop his head from going there though.
But it gets too cold pretty quickly, and Puck contemplates going home, but he really just doesn't want to. He starts walking again and half an hour later, just as it's getting dark, he's standing outside the Hudmel house. He has no idea why really, but then when his head gets like this he usually ends up at Finn's playing video games or at Santana's, curled around her and sleeping. He might still end up at San's later.
Ringing the doorbell, Puck shoves his hands into his pockets and waits (there was a time, a while ago, where he'd have been able to just walk in,) until Carole comes to the door. She stares at him for a second before the smile is there. "Noah, oh, it's good to see you." Yeah, he's not been over in a long time, hasn't seen Carole since her wedding and even then it was just a hug and a 'congratulations' that they managed to exchange. "Come on in, oh, it's freezing, where's your jacket? Did you park down the street?"
"No, walked. No licence just now." That got taken off him when he drove his mother's car into the side of a building. And she sold his truck to pay for her car and really, she was probably right to do so. "Finn home?"
"Go on upstairs, it's the first of the left." Carole gives his cheek a pat, smiling as he heads up the stairs, knocking on Finn's door and opening it while waiting against the door frame. He's not entirely sure how welcome he'll be, because yeah, him and Finn are getting back to 'better', not what they were, but better. But he's never been invited over, they've barely really hung out like before, so really, Finn could just kick him out.
"Dude, where the hell have you been? I've been texting you like crazy." So, not getting kicked out.
"Around," Puck shrugged, stepping inside the room and kicking the door shut. "Phone was in my bag." Finn nods, leaning over to the side of his bed and picking up Puck's bag.
"Um, you'll have a few messages then." Puck snorts slightly as he takes his bag, sitting down on the floor at the end of Finn's bed. "Are you okay."
"'m fine." He really wasn't, but it wasn't like he talked about that stuff. He pulled his cell out of his backpack, noticing the five missed calls from Finn, the nineteen text messages, most of them 'where are you' or 'dude are you okay', all from Finn and then the few from Rachel or Santana. His Ma text him too, just to tell him that she wasn't going to be home tonight because she picked up another shift and Sarah was staying with her friend Maddie tonight and Noah could feed himself and she loved him.
Puck tossed the cell back in his bag.
"Um, it's just, you sort of freaked Rach a little, and well," Finn slides to sit on the floor beside Puck, "Santana sort of said a few things."
"What, what the fuck did she say?" Santana can'tknow. Because Puck never told her. He just showed up on her doorstep one afternoon years ago, rung out and used up and bordering on crying and she'd just pulled him in and let him fall asleep wrapped around her on her bed. It was the first time they did that with each other but it wasn't close to the last.
"That you went through something that you didn't tell her about, that it was why you sort of changed, like, when you started using the name Puck instead of Noah?" Of course San would notice that, but fuck, he was practically sick when he'd heard his Ma shout his name the next day. And if that was going to happen every time he heard his fucking name then he'd off himself, no fucking lie. So people called him Puck, and only his Ma and sister got away with Noah, although Rachel and San got it eventually too.
Puck stared at the floor, unsure if he should just say it, get it out or if he'd be able to convince Finn to just drop it. He's not even sure what he wants, because he wants to stop feeling like utter shit all the time, and sex tends to be the only way to do that, but right afterwards he just feels like a fucking waste of breath, and it sucks to the high hells. It's just this constant battle to try and stay fucking focused and keep up the image and not let it slip. Because everyone just expects him to take the shit and move on, they don't expect him to actually feel anything. But Christ if he wasn't more dependent on his friendship with Finn than Finn ever was.
"I just, you can talk to me, okay? I mean, I'll listen, and I won't judge. Because like, you and me, we're bros. Okay?"
"What Quinn said, it wasn't like that." Because he had tried, really. "It was the first time and I, I really didn't want to, because like, me and Britt, we were dating back then and she hadn't and I hadn't, so we were thinking about it." He can't look at Finn, so he closes his eyes and lets his head fall back against the bed. "I cleaned her pool, like legit just cleaned her pool and she said that she had her purse inside, so like, I followed her in. Ma knew her from Temple and it was fine, cause you know, she was all respected and shit. But she's up in her bedroom and is all 'come help me look' and I'm just not down with it, cause like a chicks bedroom is forbidden territory and stuff, right?" He needs to stop, just to take a breath and steady himself, but he feels Finn's shoulder press into his and he knows that Finn's still listening, just waiting for him.
"She gets all weird, and like, says she can't find it, and I say it's cool she can owe me it, we see her at Temple all the time. But she says she'll pay me another way, that she'll give me something else and I just want to go. She kissed me once. And I pushed her back and told her I wasn't into that and she just kept on going. She used my own shirt to keep my hands down and," he can feel a tear roll down his cheek, "I swear to God I said stop and I didn't want to and she just-" It's abrupt and a little painful, the way the sob tears out of his chest, and then Finn's arm is around his shoulders and his head is on Finn's shoulder and he doesn't need to talk any more while the tears slide down his face.
They just sit there for a while, until Puck stops crying and sobbing and is just completely drained.
"Why didn't you tell anyone?" Finn doesn't move, he just keeps an arm around Puck, holding on tightly.
"I was fourteen, Finn. Everything that you said today, that's what I thought. I mean, who the hell would believe me?" He'd turned into a total mess. He stopped using his name because she'd called him that while he'd asked her to stop, he shaved in his mohawk because she'd petted his hair and pulled at it, he'd even stopped cleaning pools for a while until he really needed the money. He got angry and he got despondent and not a single teacher noticed or cared, so he stopped caring too. He stopped going to class, stopped handing in homework and stopped caring about 'friends'.
"I was stupid, c'mon. You said no. That means you didn't want to. That's what they're telling us. No means no."
Puck manages another half hour of just leaning against Finn before his back starts to hurt and he needs to pull away, stretching out and popping the tension from his shoulders. He hears his phone chirp again and reaches to find out who's texting now. U comin ovr?
"I should go."
"Where? Why? I mean, you could stay you know? Mom doesn't mind if you wanna stay over." Puck gives a small smile, because Carole never did mind whenever Puck stayed the night, so long as she knew to make more breakfast. "Really, I mean, you can stay and you can borrow one of my shirts for tomorrow and you can ride in with me?" It wouldn't be the first time that he ended up with one of Finn's shirts in his closet. "Who's texting?"
"San. I usually go over to hers when my heads like this." Because Finn has to know that this isn't the first time he's gotten so tangled up with his thoughts that he just needed someone to not care about other shit and just be there.
"Stay here. Tell her. Just, stay here." And maybe it's more than just Finn making up for the stuff he said, maybe it's more than Finn making up for not ever seeing it, or maybe it's just another step towards what they used to be. So Puck just nods. "I'll go tell Mom you're staying. You text San."
Stayin Finn's. Tmrro?
U bttr tlk 2 me xoxo
He figures that, after telling Finn, it should be simple to tell San, right? Just curl up with her and talk and that'll be better. Then both his best friends will know the truth and he'll not have to hide it all so much. Which is what he wants.
Carole is perfectly fine with him staying the night, Burt stops by just once to see him, probably to talk to him, but one look and he's just nodding his head and saying if Puck needs anything, just give them a yell.
"What um, what do you and San usually do? You know, when you go to her place."
"Not have sex if that's what you're asking." He hasn't actually slept with Santana since the day after he got out of juvie. She'd shaved in his mohawk again and they'd made out in the kitchen then watched a few lame shows on the television before fucking against the wall outside his bedroom. But after that, they were just friends. "Well, I've been honest with you all night, why not. We cuddle, okay." It almost feels worse than telling him about the rape.
"Yeah," Puck shrugs, "it just feels easier, falling asleep together."
"You cuddle with Santana, you can cuddle with me, right?" Absently, Puck wonders if this is one of those 'Santana can be a better friend than me' sort of things that Finn's doing and he really hopes that Finn isn't going to try and do everything that Santana does, because Finn cannot use electric razors and Puck really doesn't want to go down the line of having to let Finn butcher his hair, and possibly his head.
But Finn's actually serious, because he shucks his clothes down to his boxers, waits expectantly for Puck to do the same and then he pulls Puck towards the bed, gets him under the covers and then climbs in behind him, both arms wrapping around Puck's waist and holding him back against Finn's larger chest. Really, it should be totally weird, but Puck's far too tired from the emotional outpouring that he just doesn't care.
It's easy to fall asleep, comfortable even, and Puck just stops caring.
He wakes up sometime around five, which is unusual for him, but there's movement around the house and it stirs him awake. Usually the Puckerman house is deadly quiet until at least half seven, because Ma works late and Puck gets up around then to get Sarah moving for school. So hearing Carole in the kitchen and Burt on the landing, it wakes Puck up. He's still only half awake when he feels Finn push against him. And really, spooning was the worst idea that Finn ever had.
And Puck just deals with it for a total of two minutes, when Finn starts to really rub against his ass. "Dude," the elbow jab isn't exactly hard, but it's enough to jolt Finn awake. "You really need to stop rubbing against my ass."
"Shit, Puck, I'm sorry. I mean, it's not, I don't, we-"
"Finn, shut up. I get it, it happens." Really, Puck just wants to curl up for another hour or so, just sleep for a bit or even just doze in the warmth. But if he wanted that he shouldn't have woken up Finn.
"It does, doesn't it, cause I mean, stimulation, right." And it's like Finn is suddenly getting the whole discussion that they had in glee yesterday, and Puck doesn't want to go there. "Have you ever had sex with someone you loved?"
It's out of the blue. Like, completely out of the blue, because they weren't talking about sex or love and hell, they weren't even really talking. But before Puck can tell Finn to just shut up and sleep for a bit more, he's actually thinking about it. He doesn't even know if he's been in love. Yeah, he loves Quinn, because she gave him Beth, even if he never really had Beth, but he's not in love with her, because there's just too much in the way. And he loves Santana, but he's not in love with Santana, because they just wouldn't work like that. Whatever it is he feels for Lauren isn't love, he knows that much, it's respect, maybe admiration, he likes her a lot, but he's definitely not about to fall in love with her.
"Santana. But it's different."
"Because we love each other, but we're not in love with each other." Finn's hand starts stroking back and forth over Puck's abs, causing a slight tightening in his muscles at the light touch.
"Is it different? When you love someone, than when you don't?"
"I guess. A little." Sleeping with Santana felt more than sleeping with the cougars or the random girls at school. Sleeping with Santana was different because he did care about her, he didn't leave right after or have to jump out the window when a husband came home early. With Santana it felt like comfort rather than going through the motions. "It doesn't feel as cheap."
Finn's hips pushed up again, just as his hand flattened against Puck's stomach and stroked downwards. Puck figured he should feel a little repulsed, right? Because they were both guys, but he didn't. His heart sped up a little and his mouth went dry as the muscles tightened a little in anticipation.
"I don't love Santana, I like her a lot, but I don't love her." This might be Finn's really weird and just slightly inappropriate (okay, utterly inappropriate) way of telling Puck that he loves him. Really, he'd be better with that awkward 'I love you man' moment followed by the bro hug.
"Dude," Finn's hand is just at the waistband of Puck's boxers when Puck grabs his wrist to stop him, "we are not having sex just so you can tell me you love me after I've had a fucking break down on your floor." Finn pulls back almost instantly, and Puck thinks he might get whiplash from this. He turns onto his side, frowning at Finn slightly, because shit, what if he just fucked this shit up again?
"What? You said no. I'm not gonna do anything." And really, it should be that simple, it should just end there, because Finn has a point. But Finn's sporting a tent in his boxers and Puck's pretty much there with him after the little hump attack and the teasing touches, and it's not like the thought of it turned him off at all. And it was Finn, so it'd kinda be like him and San or something.
"You drive me a little crazy sometimes, you know that?" Puck doesn't let himself think about it as he rolls to straddle Finn's hips both of them hissing slightly as their erections brushed through their boxers. Okay, didn't feel too weird. Puck braced himself on his elbow beside Finn's shoulder, knees pressing into the mattress as he shifted to pull Finn's boxers down over his cock. Finn gasped up at him, hands shifting to hold to Puck's hips.
"You don't have to, if you don't want," even as the words leave Finn's mouth, his hips push up into Puck's grasp, the groan rumbling in his chest and Puck finds that he sort of wants to. Maybe him and San and Finn are a little fucked up in this competition thing that none of them are really involved in but sort of are, but Puck kind of wants to know if it feels different for Finn because it's Noah and not San.
"I know, it's okay." And Finn's cock is leaking already, as Puck palms it and spreads the pre-cum down over his shaft, thumb teasing over the head before stroking down his length again. Finn's hips jerk up as he moans, and Puck presses his forehead against the other boys, "Keep the noise down."
"Help me," it's the three things at once that make it impossible for Puck not to just go with it; Finn's hips press up against Puck's, rubbing their cocks together and sparking a groan out of Puck, the exact same time his hand shifts from Puck's hips to the back of his head, fingers catching the short strands of hair to tug slightly as Finn pulls him down, their lips catching just as Puck gasps against the tightening grip of Finn's other hand on his hip before the hand slides back to grasp Puck's ass.
It's all of that, probably all of it in tandem, that makes Puck just gasp into Finn's mouth and let the quarterback kiss him like he's the only source of oxygen. It's not even this hesitant first kiss or anything, it's Finn's tongue right in there, mapping out Puck's mouth and teasing his tongue into Finn's, sucking on his bottom lip and biting just slightly as Puck's hand tightens around Finn's cock and he presses down, rocking his hips into Finn's.
They break from the kiss for air, Puck lowering his head to Finn's shoulder, jerking his hips up as Finn bucks into the grasp. Puck doesn't even protest when Finn pushes Puck's boxers down, shifting until they're pressed together and Puck has to muffle his moan against Finn's neck, because skin against skin is so much better. Finn slips his hand around Puck's arm, wrapping his hand around both of their cocks and squeezing as they rocked together.
"Fuck, so fucking," Finn bucks up, hand tightening around them to borderline painful as his other hand pulls Puck into a rocking motion, pushing them against each other. Finn comes with a low moan and a gasping breath against Puck's ear. It doesn't stop him from jacking Puck off, speeding up and pulling Puck to grind down against Finn's hip.
The coiling in his gut creeps up on him, the heat spreading and Puck has to turn his face into Finn's throat as he comes, fighting back the shout and jerking against Finn's hips. And Finn just keeps stroking, until Puck whines at the over-stimulation and shifts back, not pulling away, even though they're sticking and a little gross, because it's warm and comfortable in that post-sex kind of way.
Puck can feel Finn's heart thumping against his chest, the breath cool against Puck's jaw, hands still holding to Puck's hip and Puck just lets his elbow lower him slightly so his arm doesn't cramp up. He's a little surprised when Finn shifts suddenly and pushes Puck over onto his back, reaching over to the floor and grabbing a shirt. The surprise fades as Finn uses his shirt to clean off their stomachs and hands before he tosses it back to the floor and leans over against Puck as he rights his boxers.
"So, I think it does feel better when you care about the other person." Puck just shakes his head and laughs a little, because Finn is just an epic dork of unbelievable proportions.
"You know, San and I don't have sex in the morning when I stay at hers."
"Yeah?" Finn gets this weird kind of hopeful look on his face, shifting closer and catching Puck in a light kiss, "So maybe that can just be something we do?" As in to be repeated? As in there being a next time? Puck not really sure if he should carry on having sex with his friends, because things get a little screwed up in places and he's just getting Finn and him back to being friends without adding sex. "It's like Britt and San, right?"
Except San's in love with Britt and can't admit it, and Britt isn't all that sure what she wants and Puck is pretty sure they could actually turn into the male version of Britt and San. Not to mention just how epically the blow up could be if anyone found out. But Puck's never been very good at making decisions like that anyway.
"Yeah, yeah sure." And Finn really goes for gold when he kisses.