"Shh, shut up KF or he'll hear us."
"Ohh, he's not even in there right now."
'I know, but he has secret spy cameras every where."
"He does not."
"He might." Kid Flash and Robin emerged slowly from the crack in the wall where they had snuck into the batcave and gazed around.
"Whoa", Kid said, "this place gets bigger every time I come here." Robin nodded and grinned.
"Pretty chill huh? Come on, lets go find something to do."
"Ok", KF said, gleefully following his friend. "What's there to do in here?"
"I don't know", Robin replied, "whatever you want." KF gave a sigh.
"Gee", he said, "I don't know. When does the big bad Bat get back?"
"Beats me", Robin mumbled, feeling around on the wall for the light switch. He found it and flicked it upward. Light splashed over everything. "Far as I know, he's gone for at least a few hours."
"So", KF said, collapsing on one of the couches, "what should we do until then?"
"Hmm", said Robin, walking over to the computer. "What's this?" There was a note taped to the screen. It was a very long piece of paper covered in the unmistakable scrawl of the Dark Knight. KF got up and looked over Robin's shoulder.
"It looks like a list of rules", he said.
"How lame", Robin replied, "lets read 'em."
"Ok", KF said. So he and Robin sat down to read.
Batman's rules of the batcave and the bat gear
You will not bring girls in to pole dance on the bat poles
You will not throw parties in the batcave
No matter how hard you try, the batmobile will never pop a wheelie. Don't try.
The baterangs are used as weapons against crime, NOTHING ELSE!
The giant dinosaur cannot be used as an alternative form of transportation when you crash your Robin bike
The giant penny is not an acceptable form of currency in any country
You are not allowed to build a nest above the batcave and call it your bird nest
Making bird noises when guests come over makes me look bad, don't do it
The bats in the cave are not pets
You will not replace the bat smoke pellets with instant grow mini sponge animals
You will not grow sea monkeys in the subterranean lake
You will not use the monitors to watch MTV or family guy or anything else
There is no Robin signal. Stop telling people there is one.
You are not to take the whirly bat to school, no matter how late you are
You are not to paint orange spots on the bat jet
No sleep overs in the batcave
The giant dice are not for actual gambling
Lost puppies cannot be kept in the cave
There is no Robin cave, there never was one and there never will be one.
You will not wear your Robin costume to a costume party, not matter how scratchy the fabric on other costumes is
You will not replace my bat costume with one of the ones with fake abs from Wal-Mart. I've got real ones.
Kid Flash is not allowed to touch anything in the cave
You cannot take the batboat out yachting with your friends
You are not allowed to book me for any private viewings to impress girls
No swimming parties in the subterranean lake
Pictures of me in that Speedo I wore on in Bermuda are not allowed to leave the cave
You are not allowed to kidnap Plastic man or Elongated man to install as super bounce houses in the cave
No using the bat computer for frivolous activities
The emergency bat credit card is for emergencies which do not include you being broke or in need of money for a date
Teach Ace the Bathound to fetch toilet paper is not an acceptable pastime when you're supposed to be doing your homework
Putting the word bat in front of the name of an object does not make it acceptable to take on patrol
My body parts do not require the word bat in front of them for me to know that they are mine. You will not label them while I am sleeping.
You are not allowed to put on my spare Batman costume to pick up girls
You are not allowed to paint the batmobile pink
Wearing yellow when the Green Lantern comes over is rude
Pelting Superman with foam Kryptonite as he walks in the cave stopped being funny a long time ago
Telling small children I'm the Grench who stole Christmas is not allowed
I am not Darth Vader
There is no such thing as "bat snuggle time" and telling girls they're just in time for it makes it no more acceptable to take them back to the cave to "snuggle" than it was before
You are not allowed to paint the walls with primitive cave paintings of our exploits
Programming the bat computer to say the Joker is holding up a Dairy Queen will not coerce me into buying you ice cream
You are not allowed to play hide and seek in the batcave. People get lost and are never found.
You are not allowed to give Superman the number to the bat phone or any other number associated with me at all.
You are not allowed to construct a swing in between the stalactites
Trying to use a trampoline to touch the stalactites will result in you being impaled
"Dick Greyson is a sexy beast" is not an appropriate file name crime files or any type of file for that matter
"But my parents are dead" is not a good excuse for avoiding work of any kind, neither is "but I'm special" or "but you love me". These things may be true, but they won't get you out of trouble. Stop trying.
Aquaman does not appreciate the nickname Wet Willy
There is no Jiggalo the bat hamster and I promise you, there never will be a jiggalo the bat hamster
Telling the little sluts I hang out with that I'm a vampire is not appropriate "table talk" for my "meet the family" meals
You will not drink the beer Green Arrow gives me, no matter how long I manage to avoid drinking it myself.
Threatening to kill yourself to get out of doing something doesn't work. I know you won't go through with it, you love yourself too much
Forty-two is not the answer to every one of the Riddler's riddles. It makes both me and him angry when you say that it is
Reprogramming the bat computer to say hello gorgeous every time you log on will not impress me
There is no point in hiding your bad test grades in the cracks in the batcave. I check those cracks everyday anyway so I will find them.
You are not allowed to show Alfred my secret places for hiding stuff I don't want him to throw away in the cave.
Changing your account name on the bat computer to "Red Robin yum" makes me look bad
You are not allowed to tell your friends I was trained by Chuck Norris
You are not allowed to kidnap the Atom and put him in a box to keep as a pet. Feeding him bread crumbs won't make him any more pleased about things either.
You are not allowed to look for loopholes in this list
You are not allowed to get rid of this list
You are not allowed to change this list
If anything happens to this list, YOU WILL DIE!
With love, Bruce
KF and Robin turned to each other.
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking Kid?" Robin asked.
"Yea", Kid said excitedly, "lets see if we can break every single one of these before he gets back."
"Come on", Robin snickered, leaping up. So, off they raced.
So friends, in order to make this list a complete success, I would enjoy some input on you part. Anything submitted will be immediately included into the story and if you would like acknowledgement for these, I will of course put up a note specifying the author of a specific point. Lets make this a collaboration among Batfanatics.