Title: When The Lights Come Off
Summary: But I'll still love you when the lights come off for our intermission.
So today a new BTR song leaked, called Intermission, and I'm thoroughly convinced it's about Logan's heartbreak about Carlos and Sam Droke. I wrote this up in like a half hour. And it's really drabble-y. And if you want to listen to the song, you can probably find it on tumblr. It's everywhere.
It's not like I wasn't happy for him. No, it was more the opposite. I was happy for him, truly, I was. He'd been after Sam for a while, and he'd finally gotten her.
Sure, I was happy for him. Carlos had been trying so hard. He deserved a little validation for his efforts. And from what I could see, he was getting it. Sam went everywhere with him.
Even the places that used to be for just me and Carlos, she went there too. Always hand in hand with him, smile plastered on her face, sunglasses over her eyes, Carlos grinning like the happiest idiot in the world, eyes shining like a blind man seeing the light for the very first time.
I had a different relationship with Carlos than I did with Kendall or James or Dustin, even. I knew from the second we met that things would be different between him and I. And when he kissed me in the bathroom between takes on the second day of shooting, I hadn't been surprised at all. Giddy would probably be a better word to describe what I'd felt.
If you said our relationship progressed further than I'd ever thought, you'd be right. A small kiss in a bathroom during filming takes slowly turned into sweaty, raunchy encounters in closets, stalls, on couches, and rarely in the bed at hotels as the others slept.
As Sam came into Carlos's life, I had a pretty good feeling he would be done with me. Carlos liked to call himself 'sexually ambiguous,' but I'd never guessed what he'd meant exactly by the statement.
I'd never guessed it'd mean dating Sam while he had me on the side.
I'd never planned to fall in love with Carlos, never in a million years. I liked the thought of just having somebody there to cuddle with if I felt like it, laugh with when I needed it, and fuck with when I craved that release. Love never seemed to cross my mind.
But as I watched Carlos strut around with Sam in his arm through Vancouver, my heart ached with that feeling I'd never wanted to feel for him.
I did my best to try to plaster my face with the fake smile that everybody knew, but behind it all, I was hurting. Hurting like hell.
Kendall, James, and Carlos seemed to be blatantly oblivious to the fact that I was being torn up inside, my heart being pulled apart into tiny pieces every time Carlos smiled at me while going off with Sam, the promise of 'you're mine tonight' tucked behind every glance he gave me, every lingering touch he placed against my skin as we filmed.
And with every silent message, the thought in my head grows stronger, gains more momentum, more validation, and it finally makes sense to me now, that I would be doing the best thing for both him and me by listening to the thought in my head.
Let him go.
Filming ends for the day, but I don't get the chance to talk to Carlos, as we're pulled to some rag-tag studio for a meeting, and the news that our latest single, Intermission, had been leaked on the internet. Its suggested to us that we do an impromptu concert in Vancouver, one broadcasted live all over the world, to announce the single ourselves before the whole world discovers it before we even have a chance to get on our feet with it. I'm the one they ask for the final decision, seeing as the song is practically mine.
Of course I agree, the thought of performing the song bitter in my mind, but as I sit in my dressing room, singing my lines over and over, that voice in my head screams louder and louder, and once again, the truth of what it is screaming at me more truthful than anything I'd ever heard before.
And then I know what I have to do. What I have to do before both Carlos and I end up heartbroken, before Sam finds out, and everything goes downhill.
It's three days later, and Carlos and I stand side by side behind the curtain waiting for our cue, him chatting animatedly about how excited he is about performing the song, and I just nod my head, not really listening to what he's saying at all, the voice in my head saying the same thing over and over again. You have to do this. It's the only way. It's the only way.
He calls my name, pulling me from my thoughts and I turn to him. He tells me that we're starting, that I'm going to do great, and that he'll be there if I trip up, like he always is, to pick up where I leave off, because he's always been the one to save me.
The irony hits me as the curtains rise, and I sing the first line.
Curtains open up the scene, spotlights shine on you and me, tonight.
He's watching me, I know he is, but I simply look straight forward into the crowd, singing my lines as they come.
Pretending for the crowd below, we put on a real good show, but it's a lie.
I don't look at him until the chorus, and when I look at him, it's not simply a glance.
I lock my eyes with his, and I pour the lyrics from my soul to his, desperately hoping he understands. I'm done.
I don't want it to be over, but we need a break before you break my heart. We can't live this scene forever, right now you and me are better, better off apart. But I'll still love you when the lights come off for our intermission.
I sing with every ounce I have, and I know he feels it. I know he feels the meaning behind it, he feels that I'm not just singing the song, but screaming to him what I've needed to say for so many months.
I look away when the chorus ends, singing when my lines come up, cringing as Carlos harmonizes along with me, because his voice is slightly off, nothing you wouldn't notice if you didn't know every somber wavelength of Carlos's voice like I did.
I'd hurt him.
I spared myself a glance to him, regretting it the second I met his eyes, the slightest shine of tears fogging the chocolate color I'd loved so much.
I look away as quickly as I looked over.
I get through the song, ending next to Carlos, and I can feel the distance growing larger, my heart screaming for me to go back, to tell him I didn't mean it, that I didn't mind being with him only on the side, that I loved him and I always would.
I shut my heart out.
The crowd roars and we bid our goodbyes, kiss out our thank yous, ducking behind the curtains again, our hands sticking back to keep waving, even as our bodies disappear.
My heart lays on the stage where I left it bleeding, yearning for me to come back, to cry and scream and just beg Carlos to love me as I love him. But I don't go back for it, by brain leading me in the direction I need to be going; away from Carlos. As far away as I can get in the minutes I have before he's running to find me, the ask what the hell that show was out there, why I'm being utterly ridiculous.
My legs move to run, but a hand closes around my wrist before I can, and I know exactly who's grabbing me. He'd had that grip before, during the times we'd fought and he's pin me against the wall, during the times that fight turned into sex, him pinning my arms down for a completely different reason as he sunk so slowly into me.
I tell him to let go, and surprisingly, his hand drops. My skin seems to burn where he touched me. His eyes are watery as he asks what's going on, why I'm acting this way, as he says he's sorry for whatever he did to make me feel like I did.
I shake my head, trying to force words out, but I can't. I simply stare him in the face, a cruel, cold, I hope you really were listening slipping from my lips because, honestly, that's the only explanation I can give him. It's cold, it's harsh, and I know it, but damn, I have no heart anymore.
It's still out bleeding on the stage where I left it.
A pathetic plea of my name falls from his lips, but I simply shake my head. I don't want to listen.
I turn my back to him, ignoring his pleas for me to turn back around, to come back, to tell me what's really going on, God dammit! but I just look down at my feet, walking at a robotic pace back to my dressing room. Left, right, left, right.
He's hurting and I'm hurting, but I know damn well that this hurt isn't anywhere near what it would be if I'd let this go on any longer.
I left my heart bleeding on the stage, but my brain can still tell me what I know I feel, and that itself is the only thing to bring tears into my eyes as I walk further and further away from Carlos, further and further away from the feelings I harbored to him.
But I'll still love you when the lights come off for our intermission.