A/N. All right, well I'm sure most of you have heard the leaked Big Time Rush song called, "Intermission". If not, I highly suggest you find the download for it because it is my second favorite BTR song after "Halfway There". Don't wait to hear it on the album because it's not on it. Just like "Paralyzed" and "Shot in the Dark". . . Anyway, this song is ridiculous because Logan sings almost the entire song by himself. Carlos, Kendall, and James literally have one line each and the rest is all Logan. It's incredible and his voice is absolutely beautiful. I love it so much. I know I should be working on my in-progress fics, but you know how inspiration works! As soon as I heard "Intermission", I knew I had to write a story based off of it. I'm used to writing angst, but not romance, so we'll see how I do with angsty romance. I don't own anything!
She was his first girlfriend. He had gone on dates before, mostly James set him up with some random girl who he hardly he knew, but Logan Mitchell had never had a real girlfriend before. He was too shy and timid and uncertain. He wasn't a ladies man like James or a natural charmer like Kendall or a ton of fun to be around like Carlos. He was more content to either hang out with his three best friends or sit by himself with a book. Girls made him nervous.
But Camille had been different. From the moment he saw her, Logan was struck by how beautiful she was. Her brunette curls tied up, her deep brown eyes, and that ridiculous over the top purple dress that she had been wearing to practice for an audition. She was intimidating to say the least. If other girls made him nervous, Camille downright terrified Logan when marched straight up to Kendall, Kendall, and slapped him on the face, screaming before stalking away. Yet he was also fascinated with her. Instead of being scared off by her, Logan felt himself being drawn even closer to her.
When she revealed that she had feelings for him, Logan wasn't sure what to do or even say. He had never had a girl be truly interested in him. They might have found him cute back home in Minnesota, but his quiet personality always bored them and soon they were flirting with all of his friends. Camille had only eyes for him and Logan didn't know what to make of it.
Eventually they became a couple and Logan couldn't remember a happier time in his life. Kendall, James, and Carlos had always made him happy and content but he always felt like there was something missing in his life. When he and Camille started dating, he no longer felt that emptiness deep inside of him. He felt whole. Complete.
Admittedly they were nothing alike. She was bold and charismatic and a dreamer. Logan was grounded and sensible and as people his age said, boring. But that was why they were so perfect for each other. It wasn't a case of opposites attract, but something bigger than that. What one of them lacked, the other had. They made each other whole. When Camille was in over her head with her auditioning ups and downs, Logan was there to pick her back up or bring her back down to earth. When Logan doubted himself, Camille made him see what a remarkable person he really was. They were so happy together.
Even after Camille and James kissed and Logan broke up with her, he couldn't forget about her. He couldn't stop seeing her smile and hear her laugh. She was everywhere and it drove him crazy. She had broken his heart and yet it was even more painful not having her in his life. Every time he saw her with Steve, he felt the ache in his heart double until he could hardly stand it. And then, he could no longer stand it.
She took him back much easier than he expected and Logan would always be grateful for it, even now. But they weren't the same. It was like there had been this teeny tiny rift between them and day by day it grew wider. They lost the connection they had once had. In the beginning, it was so small that they both thought it would disappear eventually. With time. But it didn't. Instead of the time apart helping them, it drove them even further apart. They no longer made each other whole. Instead they were even more incomplete. Things had changed forever.
They no longer spoke simultaneously or finished the other's sentences. The long pauses that they had when they were together were no longer comfortable or peaceful. Instead, they were so awkward that before too long, one of them would start talking about the weather or try to introduce some other pointless conversation. It got so bad that they stopped going out as a couple and tried everything in their power to make sure that others were around them so that the dreaded pauses and awkwardness didn't exist.
Logan and Camille didn't speak of the rift at first. Though they both knew that the other was aware of it, they thought that acknowledging it would make it even worse. Maybe if they ignored it, it would go away. Then they tried making adjustments in their relationship until it became obvious to those around them that something was off. They weren't the Logan and Camille they had once been. Everyone saw it.
It hurt, the distance between them. After all they had been through together, Logan thought they would be closer than ever before. He was wrong. He was wrong about the two of them. He could no longer see her in his future, no matter how hard he tried to imagine it. The worst part was that he knew it wasn't just him. He knew she felt it too. He knew that the next time they ended, there wouldn't be a new beginning.
He turned his head when he heard her quiet voice, noting the way his heart ached at the sound instead of leaping. "Camille," he said with his best smile. "Hey. I thought we weren't meeting until later on tonight for dinner."
She shifted her weight from one foot to the other, looking uneasy. "I k-know," she stammered. "I'm not bothering you, am I?"
Logan shook his head quickly and took her hand. No spark ran through his fingertips at the touch. "Not at all," he said softly. "Is everything okay?" It was the dumbest question he could have asked. He knew just by looking at her that everything was far from okay. And he knew exactly what was wrong.
"No," Camille whispered, bringing him out of his thoughts. "I need to talk to you about something, Logan. About us. Can we. . . can we talk somewhere private, Logan?"
Looking around the lobby, Logan wasn't completely blind to the careful glances people were sending in their direction. "Sure," he said, fighting to keep his voice calm and steady. "Let's go up to 2J. Everyone's out so it'll be just the two of us." Just the two of us. Why didn't that sound special anymore?
They walked up together, holding hands, their fingers laced tightly together as if they were still trying to hold onto one another. They even took the stairs so it took longer. But neither of them spoke until they reached 2J and Logan shut the door. Even then, all he said as he turned around was, "Do you want to sit down?" gesturing to the orange couch.
Camille sat down without a word and then proceeded to stare at her empty hands for several long seconds that seemed like hours. Finally, she lifted her head and looked up at Logan with teary eyes. "You know too, don't you?" she asked softly.
Logan walked over to the couch and joined her, sitting far apart enough to see her clearly. "It's not the same, is it?" he asked in return.
She shook her head, a sob catching in her throat so that she couldn't respond right away. "Logan," she said shakily.
Reaching across the short distance between them, Logan took her hand in his. There was nothing romantic about the contact though, he was merely trying to comfort her as a friend. There was no more denial. There was no more pretending. This was acceptance. The final stage in grief. "You don't have to say anything," he murmured gently. "I. . . I understand."
"It's just so. . . hard," she spoke the last word in a whisper, her voice breaking. "I keep thinking it will get better and I keep waiting for it to get better. Like it was before. And it. . . it just doesn't. It's not getting any better, Logan. And I don't think it ever will."
He wanted so badly to disagree with her. He wanted to encourage her and to beg her to give them a little more time. But in reality, Logan knew that everything Camille was saying was everything that had been on his mind for a month and a half. "Yeah," was all he could manage.
She started to cry then. She hid her face from him, her long hair a curtain that he couldn't see past. "I'm just so sorry, Logan!" she sobbed. "If James and I hadn't kissed, then we wouldn't be here right now! We-"
"Hey," Logan spoke quickly. "I was the one who didn't give you a second chance. I should have, Camille and that will always be one of my biggest regrets. But the truth is that I was scared. It hurt what happened between you and James and I didn't want to be hurt like that." Logan took a shaky breath, his eyesight beginning to blur. "I didn't think I could be hurt worse, but I was wrong. This hurts so much more."
"I love you," she practically whimpered. "I don't know why this is happening, Logan. I don't understand it."
"I don't either," he admitted. He swiped a hand across his eyes and then brushed back her hair so he could see her. "Hey," he said, his voice soft and steady once again. "Look at me, Cam."
She obeyed, her eyes already red and swollen from crying. "Logan?"
He had never been in so much pain. Carrying the burden all by himself didn't hurt as much as sharing it with her. Because it hurt him even more to see that she was suffering just as much as he was. She was beautiful and perfect in every way. She didn't deserve to feel such heartache. "I'm so sorry you're hurting," he said aloud. "It kills me to see you cry."
"I. . ." she took a deep breath. "I don't want this to end, Logan. I don't want us to end. I wanted us to be together forever."
"Me too." In a move of last minute desperation, Logan raised her hand to his lips and placed a light kiss on her trembling fingers. Nothing. His eyes burned and he blinked once, then felt a lone tear rolling down his cheek. "We were perfect together, weren't we?" Were, not are. "Camille, maybe one day. . . maybe we need to take another break. I think that our first break and then getting back together. . . it was all so sudden. Maybe if we just take another break then we could. . ." he trailed off unable to finish. He couldn't lie to her.
Camille nodded, her brown eyes still full to the brim with tears. "Okay," She glanced down at their linked hands and then back up at him.
He understood. Very slowly, he began to pull his hand away, sliding out of her grasp. Then they stood up together and walked slowly to the door. Logan opened it and stood there, waiting. "Camille, he began. "I just. . . thank you. So much. For everything. You made me a better person."
"You made me a better person too, Logan." Camille tried to smile gratefully but the effort was far too much. "Even if. . . if there's never an "us" again, my life will always be better because of you. You've given me so much and I wish I could have given you more."
"You've given me more than you could possibly know," Logan said softly. "We had a great time, didn't we? Maybe. . ." he trailed off again, letting his words fall into empty space. "So I guess we're not on anymore for tonight." Or ever again.
She shook her head slowly. "No, I guess not." She looked down, trying to collect herself. "I guess I'll see you around. We can still be friends, right?"
It would come close to killing him to be "just friends" with her, but if he never saw her again, he really would die. "Of course," Logan rushed to reassure her, hoping that it might somehow ease her pain a little bit. "I'll always be here if you need me. I promise, Camille. I-" he had one last thing to say to her and he just couldn't. It would break him for good. "I promise." he repeated.
"Good." this time she did manage the smallest of smiles. "Same here, okay? I. . .should get going then." Lowering her gaze again, Camille turned to leave.
Logan caught her by the wrist and pulled her close to him. He felt her weaken and lean against him so that he had to tell himself to be strong for both of them. The embrace was strictly platonic and unlike last time, when he finally made himself release her, there was no kiss. He could only watch as she wiped at her eyes again and then slowly turned around and walked away.
As soon as she disappeared from view, Logan shut the door and walked up to his room. He could hardly see through the tears that still threatened to fall. His head was beginning to pound from keeping everything inside. Sitting on his bed, Logan took the framed picture he had of the two of them and stared hard at it until he could no longer see anything. Then he started to cry.
He had no idea how long he cried, but at some point, he realized that he wasn't alone. He didn't hear them come in, but he felt their calming presence and soon Kendall had his arms wrapped tightly around him while James and Carlos sat close by.
"I'm so sorry, Logie." Kendall said sorrowfully. "I am so sorry, bro. If there was some way I could make it hurt less. . . believe me, I'd do it in a second."
Logan tried to talk, but every time he opened his mouth, it was as if his breathing was cut off and all he could do was cry harder. He gave up and buried his face in Kendall's shoulder, taking comfort in the fact that he never had to pretend to be strong for his three best friends.
"It'll be okay, Logan." Carlos said in a trembling voice as he laid his hand on Logan's shoulder. "You're not alone, okay? We're here for you."
"I'm sorry, Logan."
Logan heard something more in James' apology and finally found the strength to look up. He saw the pain in James' eyes and knew he was right. "It's not your fault, James." he rasped. "Not all of it anyway. Camille. . . and I could have handled it better than I did. Please don't blame yourself."
He knew that his words would do nothing. James would blame himself no matter what. But he would also lie if it made Logan happy. "Okay," he said softly. "I'm still sorry."
"I'll be okay," Logan didn't even convince himself. "I just. . . need some time. Thank you though."
"Do you want to be alone?" Carlos guessed hesitantly.
Logan bit his lip. He didn't want to be alone but as much as he loved Carlos and James, their presence was too much. It was suffocating. "I. . . want to talk to Kendall," he said weakly, looking apologetic.
But James and Carlos didn't look the least bit offended or hurt. They only looked sorry for him. Each of them hugged him close and then promised to return soon before slowly leaving the room.
Kendall looked worriedly at him. "What is it, buddy?" he asked softly.
Logan knew he could tell Kendall anything. Especially since he had recently lost Jo. The circumstances were much different of course, but they were similar enough. "I didn't think it could hurt this much," he admitted with a sigh.
"I know how you feel," Kendall told him. "I'd give anything for you not to feel like this. But like Carlos said, you'll be okay. Because you'll have us. You guys helped me and we're going to help you, okay? I promise you that, Logan. We all do."
"I know," Logan said honestly. If he wasn't absolutely positive that his friends would get him through, then he knew there was no other way he could be okay again. "It's just. . ."
Kendall waited for him to finish. When the silence became unbearable, he pushed a little bit. "What is it?"
Logan looked up at him and saw nothing but love and concern in those familiar green eyes and before he knew it, he was saying what had been on his mind the entire time Camille was there. "I still love her. I'll never stop. I'll always love her."
Because that was the one thing that hadn't changed.
A/N. I just got "Intermission" today and it's already the top played song on my iPod. I need an "Intermission" intervention. Anyway, I am thoroughly depressed after writing this. I really hope you all enjoyed reading it though! Let me know what you think! Have a great week!