I OWN NOTHING!

Hey guys and gals! This is something I did to get some extra credit in English class. We read Beowulf and Grendel and me and my sister were always saying what if Beowulf was a nerd who worked for the IRS? So that's how this was born. Let's hope I get a good grade on this.

Ps i am STILL working on chapter two of my other fan fiction so don't forget about it!

Enjoy! ;)

High on a hill over looking the sea sat Herot, with its dinning hall so magnificent, its throne room so lavish, and its kind king so merry. The dinning hall was silent this night however; no one sat drinking and feasting, the king not so merry. All were too busy preparing for tomorrow.

It was the night before tax day when Grendel first came up to Herot. He was curious as to why there was no merry feasting going on this night. When the foul beast Grendel walked through Herot's doors he no longer cared why there was no party. The beast could smell all the money the townsfolk had gathered to pay their taxes, and he wanted it. That night he went from house to house stealing all their money. When the townsfolk awoke they found a gruesome sight; all their money was gone and their homes ransacked. They went to their king to explain what had happened. King Hrothgar, being a kind king, told the townsfolk they had two fortnights to get the money. So the townspeople, happy with their king went to gather money. They spent the whole day gathering money. Instead of putting their money in their homes as they had before they brought all the money to the National Bank of Herot, in case the beast Grendel returned.

And Grendel did return. He had a taste for money and wanted more, being a greedy beast and having spent all the money he stole the night before on pay per view movies and chips. It was not hard for him to break into the volt and steal all the money there. So the next day the horrified people found all their money gone again. And this is how the people of Herot lived, desperately trying to hide their money from the foul beast Grendel who always came in the night and stole it.

Until word eventually made its way to the IRS tax collection agency, where a very, very nerdy Beowulf heard of their sorrow. He was the smallest, skinniest man with the biggest glasses that had ever been born. But he had a brilliant mind and could do complex calculations in his head faster than a computer. So it was Beowulf who decided to take on Grendel for the good of the people of Herot

"I shall go forth to Herot and bring the beast Grendel to justice, for no man is better suited for the job then I." Beowulf said in a weak, yet proud, nasally voice. And it was agreed by Beowulf's boss, Mr. Dragonly, that Beowulf would go forth to Herot.

So Beowulf gathered his brief case and set off to Herot with his best, most trust worthy pens and calculator. After a six hour car ride Beowulf could see Herot, with high walls and shining golden roofs. When Beowulf got out of his car to go talk to the king he was greeted rudely by a policeman who said

"I can see where thou hath come from, tax collector, and let me say that thou can just leave for my king hath not committed tax evasion but hath been robbed by the foul beast Grendel. Thou can take thine bothersomeness elsewhere for my king doth have enough on his mind without thou demanding he pay money which he doth not have." And with that the policeman waited for Beowulf to leave and was surprised when he spoke instead

"Brave man I hath not come to accuse thy king of evasion. I hath come to inform thy king that I, Beowulf, intend to arrest the foul creature Grendel for his crimes against good Herot and the government I serve!" with that the policeman escorted Beowulf to the king and Beowulf said to Hrothgar

"Good king Hrothgar! I am Beowulf I come to you from the IRS to free thee from the beast Grendel. I will not fail in arresting Grendel for his crimes and I will return your money to your people oh great king! And shall do all this without the use of my trusted calculator, Hronting."

And so Beowulf was guided to the home of Grendel. Once there Beowulf began questioning Grendel as to why he had never paid taxes, how he had acquired so much when he claimed to generate no income and what he knew of the theft at Herot. Grendel, not being the smartest nor prepared for Beowulf's investigation blurted out the truth while Beowulf recorded everything on tape to later be used in court. Grendel was escorted to prison where he soon would be tried and found guilty.

Beowulf went back to Herot a hero and spent the night drinking cherry coke recalling the story of Grendel's demise and rejoicing at the return of the people's money. The next day Beowulf returned to his office to begin the delightful task of doing the paperwork for the Grendel case. Upon researching Grendel's family Beowulf learned of his mother, Grendel was not the only tax evader in his family. Grendel's mother had never once paid an ounce of taxes in her life. Knowing that she must have evaded paying her taxes, Beowulf set off to find her house in the woods. He eventually came to a small shack by a lake. He knew this must be the place. He walked up to the door and knocked.

An elderly lady dressed in fine clothes answered the door

"Who may I ask is disturbing my peace?" she asked

"My name is Beowulf. I work for the IRS I hath come to look through your tax records."

And with that Beowulf entered the house the old lady scurried off to a room to grab her books for him to look through. She knew this dumb little IRS fool would find nothing in them. She had covered her tracks well. Once Beowulf began looking through the books he realized he had no pen, Grendel's mother offered him hers which he gladly took. As time wore on Grendel's mother began to fear that maybe just maybe, this young, skinny, extremely nerdy man had found something she had forgotten, something to prove she was a tax evader.

Then the brave Beowulf found what he was looking for, a significant discrepancy. He had her now. All the hard day's work, number after number, had paid off. He had done it. With his work finished Beowulf took out an arrest warrant he had and filled it, but the monster noticed and she was not willing to die so easily. She lunged at Beowulf and the paper that would put her in jail forever. Beowulf seeing what she was about to do was able to get out of the way and save the paper. The beast fell to the floor and struggled no more as Beowulf escorted her to jail. But before he could leave the pen she gave him exploded in his pocket! Surly this would have ruined him if it had not been for his trusty pocket protector.

Beowulf then returned to his office to tell his boss of his day's success. He walked proudly into the room and said

"Mr. Dragonly I have ridded the land of all those who feel it is right to not pay their taxes. I have saved a town's money, and to them I am a hero. I have done all this bravely, without being asked. Now I turn over my evidence to you so you may proceed to do your own work. I have neatly filed everything. I have doubled checked everything. I am tired now and wish to go home."

Mr. Dragonly took the files out of Beowulf's hand and studied them over with a fierce gaze. Then he laughed cruelly and turned to Beowulf.

"Do you really think a sweet old lady would do such a thing? How dumb are you? No one will believe this! No one should! I knew hiring you was a mistake!" and so Mr. Dragonly continued. It was a cruel thing to watch. All but one of the other employees in the room left with their heads low pretending nothing was wrong, pretending their academic leader was not being punished wrongly. All except one.

Wiglaf stood in the corner by the door. He was a young man, barley out of college. He was skinnier then Beowulf. He was not the smartest or most successful member of his family, or at work. He was lucky in the fact that Beowulf had always liked him, always stood up for him even when he made dumb mistakes. He stood looking at a pen his grandfather had given him. It was a really nice pen. It was so shiny and its ink always flowed smoothly, not like other pens where the ink came out blotchy. Nope, this pen was a very, very nice pen. Suddenly he knew he must speak

"Mr. Dragonly you are wrong. You are a cruel person, as fiery tempered as a dragon. You do not care about helping people or the greater good, to you this is just a big game and you decide how it's played. I'm sick of your game. Beowulf is the smartest, kindest, bravest person I know. He is also your best employee. If you are to doubt his work then clearly you have no brain. Beowulf is not greedy like you, he is honest and tells the truth whether he gains from it or not. He does it because it's right. I only hope I can be half the man he is someday. Now if you really look at what he is telling you I am sure you will find it is all logical and true."

With that the young man squared his shoulders and prepared for the worst. At first nothing happened. He dared a peak at Mr. Dragonly. What he saw surprised him. Mr. Dragonly was looking at him stunned. Then he looked briefly through the file after a minute he shoved it back into Beowulf's hand and left the room muttering, it was no fun to pick on people if other people made such big speeches in their defense.

That month Beowulf got employee of the month and a very, very shiny plaque. He also became the boss. Wiglaf went on to become a widely successful guitarist in a band called "Nerds That ROCK". Herot was never attacked by tax evaders again. And everyone lived happily ever after except Grendel and his mama. They went to prison but got to share a cell. The end