Night of the Smurfing Dead
- The shocking continuation to Smurf Zombies
By Kevin F. Pickett
The sun had set on the tiny blue place known as Smurf Village. No Smurfs were out at all. It was bedtime and every Smurf knew Papa Smurf always said "A well rested Smurf is a joyful and happy Smurf."
Brainy Smurf blew out his candle as he closed the four books he was reading. The books were sprawled all over his bed and with one big swing of the arm he knocked them all to the floor.
"I'll smurf that up in the morning. Good night to all my smurfy family."
Brainy closed his eyes and tucked his head tightly into his pillow. Before too long he drifted off to sleep.
Brainy awoke to a rumble is his room. He looked around but it was too dark and he didn't have his glasses on to see anything. He got up, grabbed his glasses and walked towards the door. He tripped over the books he left on the floor and fell on his face with a unsmurfy bounce. His glasses tumbled off his face onto the floor and his smurfy colored nose turned purple from where it hit the floor. Brainy reached and felt around but he couldn't find his glasses.
The paranoid purple nosed Smurf got up without his glasses and continued to the door. As he walked across the room he felt a warm gust of air blow by behind his neck. Blinded by darkness and the absence of his glasses the nerdy Smurf turned around in fear but nothing was there. All he could see or feel was the empty darkness of the room. Brainy still had to check the door.
As he got closer he heard more rumbling outside the door. There was more banging and it seemed like the door was going to burst. Brainy mustered all of his courage and opened the door. A swarm of spiders piled high at the door fell into the room covering Brainy. His little legs were frozen with terror and he could feel the little critters biting into his skin. Brainy couldn't move from the overwhelming fright and then the mother spider emerged out of the darkness. She exposed her fangs and charged at the little Smurf.
Brainey blacked out and awoke in his bed to find it was only a dream. He lit the candle at his bed side and got his glasses off the night stand. This was a relief to see it was only a dream.
He felt a tickling at his feet and then it felt like he still had spiders biting his ankles. He pulled back his covers and moved the candle down to his legs to get a better look. Four monstrous, zombie infected Smurfs were gnawing at his ankles. His right ankle was almost completely off leaving an oozing bloody stump. Brainy could do nothing but scream. The little terrified Smurf had met his end and had not time to flee or survive this time around. From outside Brainey's house you could hear the crunching of bones and the tiny whimpers from Brainey as he slowly died.
All the little Smurfs huddled around the campfire screaming in terror and Smurfette concluded the story of Brainey Smurf's Bedroom Zombie Dilemma.
Jokey Smurf couldn't stop laughing with his smurfy contagious laugh. Jokey said, "Zombie's always go for the brainiest of the pack first."
Brainey interrupted Jokey, "And that proves I am the smartest Smurf in the village."
Jokey started laughing again saying "I said the brainiest not the smartest. I meant you have a big head, ha-ha-hee-hee".
All the other Smurfs started to giggle at Jokey's shenanigans at Brainey's expense.
Brainey turned bright red and said in an ominous baritone voice, "Laugh it up Smurfs. How about a Halloween story about Jokey?"
All the Smurfs cheered joyously awaiting another story. Brainey raised his little blue hands to quiet down the crowd. They huddled closer to Brainey and sat calmly and quiet waiting for him to start.
Brainey began his horrific tale of Jokey Smurf.
"Let me tell you all the story of The 13th Smurf. We all know that we Smurfs are extra careful on every Friday the 13th. But no one knows about why. Did Papa Smurf ever tell you about the 13th Smurf? NO! Papa Smurf will never tell but it all started years ago down by Smurf Crystal lake…"
One bright smurfy day, Papa Smurf had a great idea to spend a day at Smurf Crystal Lake. Not all Smurfs liked to swim so this was a special rare trip. It was Friday the 13th.
All the Smurfs followed the trail down to the lake singing smurfy songs as they skipped in line like a musical parade of blue.
Jokey was one of the few Smurfs that still could not swim. He hated the water and how it diffused his smurfy gift bombs. But secretly he wanted to impress Smurfette. Every little coming of age Smurf's desire was to do something to get noticed by Smurfette. So Jokey grabbed his towel and headed down to the lake.
Jokey practiced all morning in the shallow end of the lake around the tree covered bend. He wanted Smurfette to notice how much better he got. He called her over and showed her his crazy clownish dives and was able to get her to laugh.
Later while all the other Smurfs were swimming and having a smurfy time Papa Smurf announced there would be a swimming race to end the day at the lake.
The favourite to win was Grouchy but Hefty was readying his swimming legs for some competition.
Smurfette heard the announcement and her eyes drifted to the other end of the lake. Hefty flexed his biceps sending heart shaped signals into the air. Smurfette caught sight and was mesmerized. She left Jokey in a flash and was off running down the dock to see Hefty in the race.
Jokey tried to do one more trick dive as she left. He called out to Smurfette but she did not see as he jumped head first from the dock and flipped twice before slamming his head against the platform. Blood gushed from his face through a large hole where his nose once was. His whole nose was torn off hanging by a piece of blue skin. As he reached up to fix his nose it tore from his face and slipped into the water. Jokey slid down into the water and realized he couldn't swim that good and tried to swim back to the top. He kicked and screamed but no one saw as they all were watching the race.
Jokey was bobbing up and down in the water and screaming. All that could be seen was a blue form kicking in a pool of thick crimson blood. The little blue blood covered Smurf sank to the bottom of the lake lifelessly after taking in too much water and drowning to death.
After the race all the Smurfs sang and rejoiced over Hefty's triumphant win.
Smurfette cheered, "Three cheers for Hefty" and the rest of the Smurfs said in unison "Hooray for Hefty! Hooray for Hefty! Hooray for Hefty!"
Everyone forgot about Jokey. His dead smurfy body stayed at the bottom of the lake for hours being eaten by blood thirsty fish and vermin. The undertow of the lake dragged the body upstream and into the moat of Gargamel's castle.
Gargamel was surprised to find a dead Smurf at his doorstep. It was almost like a little present. Then he saw the mutilated body and actually felt sorry for the little blue guy.
Gargamel quickly put his thinking cap and wizardry into high gear. He strapped the body to his laboratory table and went to work. After hours of ghoulish bloody dark magic he had brought life back to the little Smurf.
Jokey was back but his laughing, joking self was gone. His eyes were now evil and dark. He could speak but it all sounded sadistic. He sat down and told Gargamel what happened at the lake.
All Gargamel could say was, "That bitchy blue twat Smurfette screwed me too. I tell you, she will be the death of you Smurfs."
Gargamel could not fix Jokey's face so he had to think of something to hide the disfigured Smurf. He found a toy hockey mask and gave it to Jokey to put on.
Jokey stood in front of a mirror and looked at his reflection and stared into the abyss with his desolate full black eyes. He whispered to himself "I know what I need."
He walked to the pantry and pulled a carving knife out of a half eaten chicken on the table. He got back to the mirror and continued staring and twisting the knife in his hand.
Gargamel thought about Jokey's misadventure at the lake and realized there might be more dead, rotted, putrid Smurf corpses at the bottom of Smurf Crystal Lake. He could make a Smurf Zombie army and unleash them on the Smurf Village.
He ran to the lake to find more dead Smurfs. To his surprise he found hundred's of blue stiff corpses floating at the bottom.
"Someone had been using this as a dumping ground and not one of those little blue marshmallow brains had any idea. My Smurf Zombie army will be magnificent!"
Gargamel worked his magic and one hundred Smurf Zombies were marching to Smurf Village lead by Jokey Smurf.
Jokey made his way out of the castle and off to start his revenge with his new army. They were going to rain down a plague on the ill-fated Smurf Village. All you could hear was growling and gnarling teeth as they walked down the road.
Gargamel was beside himself as he said "I have forsaken the Smurfs. What have I done?"
He held his head in his hands and you could see he was weeping. Then the old wizard sprung back and wiped away his tears. He remembered all the pain and misery they caused him and his anger for the little bastards returned.
"Hopefully they will kill them all. Then I can go by the village tomorrow and grab a few Smurf carcasses so I can have myself Smurf tacos for lunch. Ha-haha-ha!"
You could hear the menacing laugh echo around the castle. Gargamel had blood-lust for the Smurfs for years. They have deprived him of experimenting with his tasty Smurf recipes.
Jokey was walking with the purpose of beginning a murderous rampage of his blue brethren.
Jokey murmured to his army "The blue bitch gets it from me and only me. I can't wait to rip out her guts and strangle her with her entrails. I won't stop until her eyes pop out her head."
It was a full moon over the Smurf Village. Papa Smurf had just told all the Smurfs to go to bed. It was a ghost town. It was about to become a blood soaked massacre of smurfy proportions.
Jokey headed straight for Hefty's house. He knew he had to remove the dominant threat before he began his mission.
As he entered the house he could tell he was in Hefty's home with all the dumbbells and empty boxes of steroids all over the place. He found a syringe ready to go sitting by Hefty's bed-side.
A quick dose of performance juice would only help his quest of carnage. He injected the needle into his bicep. As he pressed the plunger Hefty awoke to the menacing hockey mask wearing figure in his house. He didn't scream but instead jumped out of bed bulldozing Jokey to the floor.
Hefty wasn't waiting to find out who this was but he said "I'm not in the mood for smurfy games. I will rip your arms from the sockets if you don't leave now."
Jokey laughed "Hee-hee-haha, how about I rip your arms from their sockets?"
All you heard were gruesome ripping sounds like the sound you hear when you separate the joint in a chicken wing. Blood was showered all over the room as it was shooting from the stubs were Hefty's arms once were. Hefty screamed out for a short second and tried to compose himself. Jokey wasn't stopping. He got up holding Hefty's arms and proceeded to beat Hefty to death with his own arms. First he whaled on his head until all the flesh was torn from his face.
Hefty moaned in agony as Jokey stood over him laughing hysterically. Jokey loved every minute of Hefty's pain. He continued to torture him until the muscle-bound Smurf couldn't take it any longer. The hockey masked Smurf pulled out the carving knife and gouged it into Hefty's neck and sawed back and forth until his head was completely removed.
As Hefty let out his last breathe Smurfette walked in wearing nothing but a towel. She had her eyes closed as she walked towards the bed. She had a surprise for Hefty and was about to drop her towel to unwrap her gift when she felt the pool of wetness at her feet.
"Hefty, I have a surprise for you. You get to claim your trophy for winning the race today so come here and…wait…what is all this water on the floor?" Smurfette said as she opened her eyes.
All she saw in front of her was the hockey masked Smurf holding a blood ripping carving knife. She yelled for help at the top of her smurfy lungs and fell backwards into the pool of Hefty's blood. Jokey took a wipe with the knife and managed to hack off a piece of her right nipple. She fell to the floor and tried to cover up with her towel but it was drenched in blood. So she got up without the towel and ran towards the door full speed.
Smurfette was running out of Hefty's house screaming when she almost knocked over Papa Smurf.
Papa Smurf tried to calm Smurfette but she was screaming too loud.
"Calm down my child. It's OK, it's OK. Papa Smurf is here." whispered Papa Smurf.
"It's awful Papa Smurf, just awful. Um, Papa Smurf?"
"Yes my child."
"What is that hard thing growing in your pants? Oh no! Oh my!"
Smurfette then realized she was naked wrapped in Papa Smurfs arms. The old Smurf could not contain his excitement. He pushed Smurfette away and covered his privacy.
"I'm sorry Smurfette. You caught an old man off guard and it's been a long, long time since…"
There was an explosion and Hefty's front door blew open. The hockey mask wearing Smurf was standing in the rubble of the house surrounded by his army of zombies. He was holding the carving knife in one hand and Hefty's head in the other.
There were so many walking dead Smurfs with half rotted faces and severed limbs. They were covered in greenish-blue sludge from being at the bottom of the lake for years.
Papa Smurf yelled out "It's the return of the 13th Smurf and he's brought a zombie apocalypse with him! Run for your lives!"
He had to think for awhile but he then realized someone must have found the Smurf burial ground. For years Papa Smurf kept it a secret that Smurf's die and he kept that secret at the bottom of Smurf Crystal Lake.
Papa Smurf continued to call out to all his Smurf children "Wake up! Wake up! You must run far away my children. The apocalypse is upon us and I can not protect you. There are too many of them…"
All the Smurfs appeared from their houses and began to run away from the Village. Some only made it one step out of there house before being torn apart by a zombie. Vanity Smurf tried to sneak out of his window but was caught by two zombie Smurfs who pulled him down to the ground and just fed. They didn't kill him but instead just fed off of his legs and worked their way up his torso and finished with his face. All that was left was the little yellow daisy he kept on his hat.
Papa Smurf urged Smurfette to run away far. Before he could utter another word the carving knife came through his belly and pushed his guts all over the ground. Jokey pulled the knife back through and began butchering Papa Smurf's body until there wasn't anything left to recognize.
Smurf zombies were all over the village dismembering blue body parts and throwing them around like scrap metal in a junk yard. Some were feasting by sucking the blood right out of their blue shells not leaving a drop of life or hope. One large Smurf zombie was collecting Smurf heads and making a platter of Smurf brains all for himself. The sight was unbearable for the Smurfs who were running away. They didn't dare look back.
Jokey continued his slaughter ripping and cutting every Smurf that got in his way. His vengeance was emotionless.
Jokey just raged with carnage until he reached Smurfette.
He cornered her by a Smurfberry bush and had his way with her. First his cut off her other nipple and plucked it away into the bush. Then he began carving away at her belly until he dug out all of her insides. She cried and whimpered until her breathe gave out. Jokey finally calmed down and exhaled quietly as Smurfette slowly died.
The next day, Gargamel arrived in the Village with a berry picking basket and started picking up Smurf parts as he skipped through the town in total joy. He counted about fifty Smurf parts which was more then enough for his special tacos. He made sure not to mistake zombie Smurf's for good freshly dead Smurfs. The sinister wizard finished rummaging through the Smurf bloodbath very satisfied. He strolled off to his castle whistling as he walked anxiously awaiting his Smurf tacos.
Later that day, Gargamel was stuffed and fully content. He had never eaten so well. Such a great meal came with so little effort.
After awhile his heart grew soft and all that smurfy goodness made the wizard cry.
"Why? Why did I kill my pesky blue friends?" Gargamel cried.
He thought for awhile about his gruesome plot and then he headed to Homnibus' home. When Gargamel arrived he begged the great wizard to undo all the damage he caused and pleaded that he learned his lesson.
Homnibus spoke softly "Gargamel I will grant this request since this did not start with your wishes. We will turn back events and stop Jokey from going swimming. I hope and pray these events are never repeated. To stop it I will curse the 13th day and make everyone afraid of going anywhere or doing anything that day!"
…And that is the story of the 13th Smurf. Brainey was pleased with his story. The result was all the Smurfs were now afraid to sleep alone. So every Smurf in the Village slept with Papa Smurf that night and left Brainey out in the cold.
"I hate endings…"