Originally I wasn't going to directly continue this (though I will be posting another SasuHina story sometime soon)…but I was reading clockwork starlight's story Fabula Rasa and suddenly had the urge to write Hanabi. We don't really get to see much of her in canon, so a lot of how I write her is how clockwork starlight has constructed her (i.e. very sure of herself, has absolutely no filter, aggressive). Beware, it is slightly crackish ahead, with tons of shameless innuendo. Jacked up the rating just in case. After my sad attempts, you can go read clockwork starlight's many lovely works.

awkward Uchiha-Hyuuga interactions over the years.

(at 19 years old)

Sasuke put his elbows on the lawn table and leaned on them, staring ahead gloomily. On his shoulder, Hinata mumbled incoherently in her sleep.

Itachi saw this from across the garden and came winding his way over, thanking people for their birthday well-wishes as he walked by.

"Hey, little brother."

"Itachi," greeted Sasuke solemnly.

"Aren't you going to wish me happy birthday?" the older Uchiha asked, mock-offended. "I'm not surprised you've bored this poor girl to sleep what with your sorry attitude."

"Itachi," Sasuke said patiently, "she was drunk. She doesn't usually drink alcohol, so just a glass knocked her out."

"Oh, so you know her!" Itachi quirked an eyebrow and dusted off a seat before sitting down, adjusting his dark tie. "She's cute. Maybe even a little out of your league."

Sasuke scowled at him. "Don't you have anything better to do than bother me?"

Itachi clapped his hand on his heart, looking injured. "Such cruel words. Are you still upset over that thing I did with the girls, and the gay porn, and Kisame?"

Sasuke groaned. "I told you, never bring that up again. And yes, what do you think?"

One of Sasuke's aunts came over, drink in hand. "Oh, you two, bickering as always. And who's this, Sasuke? Is she your date? Not going to go for cousin Rika anymore, are you? This girl's very pretty, but you'll have to do better if you want to keep her. Don't tell me you were so boring she fell asleep on you?"

More aunts came clucking to the table, saying things more or less along the same lines. "Sasuke, you need to smile more often. Sasuke, maybe if you were more like your older brother girls wouldn't fall asleep on you. Sasuke, don't mouth profanities at your brother on his birthday…"

Itachi grinned throughout all this, highly enjoying himself. After a while, he stood up and poked his little brother in the forehead. "Have fun, Sasuke."

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "I hate you."


A slight smile appeared on the younger Uchiha's face. "Happy birthday, Itachi."

(at 20 years old)

Sai's Sociology discussion ended earlier than usual, so he returned to the dorm ahead of time. He smiled politely at Neji, who was passing by on his way to the lounge, and stopped in front of his own door to get out his key.

Then he noticed the sock on the door.

Sai eyed it, puzzled. Nothing he had learned in his classes or interactions so far had taught him about this phenomenon. Maybe Naruto had been particularly messy today and forgotten it there?

Before he could take it off and unlock the door, someone opened the door from the inside. It was Sasuke, poking his head out and looking extremely annoyed. "Naruto, you – oh, Sai. Can't you see the goddamn sock on the door?"

"Yes," Sai responded, raising an eyebrow. "I can see it."

Sasuke stared at him, then put his hand on his forehead. "I should've remembered."

"Remembered what? To take the sock off the door?"

"No," Sasuke muttered in exasperation. "I should've remembered that you're you, Sai."

Sai was really at a loss of words. "So…may I come in or does this sock have social implications I am unaware of that would bar me from entry?"

"Exactly," deadpanned Sasuke, and for the first time Sai saw that his roommate didn't have a shirt on. "Go somewhere else."

The door slammed. Sai cocked his head at the innocuous sock, then turned around and went to the lounge.

"Neji," he began, putting his backpack on the table, "upon what occasion would one put a sock on one's doorknob?"

Neji furrowed his eyebrows at him, placing his pencil down. "Uh…usually to get some privacy for, you know…" He gestured vaguely.

"Oh." Sai paused. "I see. Thank you for the clarification. I was rather confused when Sasuke placed such a sock today on our door."

It took the combined efforts of Chōji, Lee, and Ino to restrain Neji from going over there and castrating Sasuke.

(at 22 years old)

Sasuke and Hinata frequently played a game called "whose family is douchier?" It generally entailed complaining about relatives, getting into debates over who was more overprotective, Neji or Itachi, and swapping creepy cousin stories. Such were the burdens children of close-knit, extended families must bear.

The dreaded day arrived when Hiashi asked Hinata when he would finally meet Sasuke. Almost simultaneously, Mikoto asked her son when she was going to meet his girlfriend. The couple resigned themselves to a future of extremely awkward family dinners and played jan-ken-pon to decide who would go to whose first. Sasuke lost.

"I'm really sorry about this."

"Stop apologizing," he responded, still looking terribly grumpy and picking at his rice.

"But this is so awkward!" she whispered miserably.

He sighed. "I was going to have to do this sooner or later, Hinata."

Chopsticks clicked. A dozen silver Hyuuga eyes didn't cease staring at the dark-eyed intruder in their midst, squeezed in between their heiress and Neji at the table.

Hiashi finally coughed. "Sasuke, my nephew has told me that you and Hinata have grown…quite close over the years."

Sasuke kicked Neji under the table. Neji flashed him a one-fingered salute in return.

It was Hinata who spoke up. "We're adults, Father. I expect you to treat us as such."

Hiashi looked mollified, to most of the other Hyuuga's surprise. "I suppose so."

Another lengthy silence followed, only broken by the sounds of chewing.

"Are all your dinners like this?" Sasuke mouthed to Hinata.

"Hanabi's sick today," she whispered in return. "That's why it's so quiet."

Yet another creepy silence. Sasuke wished Hinata's relative's gazes weren't so piercing.

The door slid open suddenly, revealing a young man. "Bad news, Lord Hiashi! The Uchiha company just bought out one of our biggest manufacturing plants…"

A dozen bodies swiveled to stare at the one Uchiha among them. The atmosphere was suddenly even frostier, if that were possible.

Sasuke honestly had no idea what to say. It wasn't his fault the Hyuuga Corporation's biggest competitor just happened to be his family.

Hiashi carefully swallowed his vegetable tempura, patted his mouth clean, and stood up to go deal with it. Hinata refrained the urge to massage her temples.

"Great first impression with the family, Sasuke," muttered Neji.

"Oh, just wait till you bring Tenten in here," Sasuke replied nastily. Neji paled.

"Sasuke!" Hinata scolded. "Umm…excuse us, everyone." She all but dragged her boyfriend out the door in humiliation.

"That went well," he said outside her mansion a few minutes later.

Hinata sighed. "I can't wait to eat with your family."

Sasuke touched his forehead. "Let's just not talk about this ever again."

(at 24 years old)

"Hey, Hinata, who's that?"

Hinata glanced in the direction Hanabi was pointing. "That's…my fiancée, Hanabi."

"I know who Sasuke is, I'm not stupid!" Hanabi gestured in frustration. "I mean the guy he's talking to."

"Oh. That's Itachi, Sasuke's older brother."

Hanabi grinned. "Ahh. Well isn't he just fine."

"H-Hanabi! He's ten years older than you, for heaven's sake!"

"Details," her sister said dismissively, smoothing back her long dark hair. "Besides, you got a shot at the younger Uchiha, isn't it my prerogative to go for the other one?"

Hinata covered her face. "This is the most embarrassing conversation I've ever had."

Itachi, who had much better hearing than the girls thought, couldn't stop grinning.

Later, during dinner, Itachi addressed his brother's new fiancée. "So, Hinata, just how did my little brother propose to you?"

Hinata smiled in embarrassment, having told the story countless times already. "Um...he borrowed the company helicopter and told me he needed me along for an emergency business transaction, but in reality he told the pilot to land us at the Disneyland Paris helipad…he proposed there."

Itachi winked at Sasuke. "That's so romantic."

"Fuck you, Itachi," said Sasuke bluntly.

"I will!" Hanabi piped up, waving her hand around. Neji choked on his soup.

Somehow, Hinata and Sasuke survived the rest of her dinner (even the part where Hanabi leaned over and told in a low voice Itachi her favorite food – bananas). They spent a moment on the balcony, Sasuke with his fifth glass of wine for the evening.

"That was – "

"Traumatizing," Hinata finished. "We should elope."

Sasuke raised an eyebrow at the statement. "I had the same thought."

"I mean, think about what our wedding reception would be like with both our families there."

"And Itachi and…your little sister." Her fiancée winced.

They both glanced back inside, where something Itachi said had made Hanabi bend over in hysterical laughter.

"We definitely should elope," Sasuke agreed.

(at 26 years old)

Though they decided not to run away in the end, some things their family did over the next two years sometimes made them seriously reconsider the option every now and then.

The fact that they couldn't have a peaceful date without being harassed by their siblings, for one thing.

"Just ignore them, Hinata."

His slender, beautiful fiancée (who was very much worth it despite her insane family, he kept telling himself) covered her face with her hands, letting her eyes peek out between her slim fingers. "But they're so weird."

Sasuke sighed. This had supposed to have been a nice date at one of the best cafés in Vienna, a rare off day in their busy lives. Instead, her younger sister and his older brother were sitting two tables away from them, feeding each other strawberries and grinning like idiots.

"They're really creepy," sniffled Hinata, scooting her chair nearer to Sasuke's. "And where did they get those strawberries? They don't even sell them at this café."

"I don't know," Sasuke said seriously, putting his arm around her shoulder and covering her eyes when Hanabi bit Itachi's finger…seductively. "I really don't know."

(at 26 ½ years old)

Hanabi really liked Itachi. It wasn't just because sometimes he made her laugh so hard she couldn't breathe or because he was the gorgeous heir to a billion dollar enterprise. Put simply, Itachi had a knack for making his normally composed little brother swear like no tomorrow. Coupled with her love of making her poised, sophisticated big sister turn red as a tomato from embarrassment and cover her ears, they were meant to be. Hanabi had never had so much fun.

"So, how's Sasuke in the sack?"

Hinata dropped the napkin she had been folding and miserably picked it up, starting over again. "H…Hanabi."

The Hyuuga girl continued on heedlessly, folding a lopsided swan and examining her handiwork. "Because, you know, Itachi is just great. I thought we could compare notes."

Hinata's eyes grew wide as saucers as she tried to shut out the mental image. "Hanabi, I did not want or need to hear that."

"Oh, don't pretend to be a prude, big sis," Hanabi said, grinning. "Neji told me all about how bad you were in college."

Her older sister's face colored red in horror. "He – he told you?"

"Sure. I've got some pictures of him in a braid, you'd be surprised how effective they are as blackmail…" Hanabi stuck out her tongue a little as she completed another awful swan. Once she put down the folded napkin, Hinata would pick it up again, undo it, and fold it perfectly. "Anyway, you never answered my question. How good is Sasuke? Should I be expecting any tiny nieces or nephews in the near future?"

"Of course not! We use…p-protection," Hinata told her, voice trailing off in humiliation.

"Protection? What's that?" Hanabi asked innocently.


"I'm just kidding!"

"I heard Naruto is planning your bachelor party."

Sasuke adjusted his overcoat, looking at himself in the mirror. "You heard wrong. If I leave it up to that idiot, I know it'll just be all strippers and ramen."

"Oh. So who's going to organize it, then?" His uncle pointedly slyly to himself as he spoke. "Who is classy, dangerous, and sexy enough for the job?" Point, point.

The tailor had sewn on his family crest on wrong, Sasuke noticed. The red and white were flipped. He sighed and began to take off the coat and the wedding kimono. "I asked Itachi to. Sadly, he's the most sensible male I know."

"But what about me?" His uncle whined, dropping the pretense of being subliminal. "I could plan an awesome bachelor party. My friend Kakashi knows a million sex positions from all those Come Come Paradise books he reads and I know a guy called Genma who can hire some ladies for cheap – "

"…For those reasons exactly, Uncle Obito, I am not letting you plan my bachelor party."

(at 30 years old)

Hinata hummed as she signed her name on the document, placing it aside so she could begin to read through the next one. She noticed Sōji toddling over to the table, and smiled at her son. Dark purple hair, silver eyes. She never let her husband live it down that her genes had won over his. "Hi there, darling."

"Mama," the little boy said seriously, "why don't you love Daddy?"

Hinata froze, ink pen poised midair. "Whatever do you mean?" she asked slowly, placing it down and reaching over to pull him into her lap.

"Because," Sōji explained, "you sign your name like this."

His mother blinked as he picked up the pen and inscribed her last name perfectly on a napkin.

"But," he continued, "Daddy signs his name like this."

In beautiful strokes, he formed the kanji for Uchiha, placed the pen down, and looked at her expectantly.

Hinata exhaled. It was still difficult to get used to having a genius for a son, though she hadn't been surprised when he had begun to walk at an age when most other babies were still learning to spit. Itachi's three month old son was already displaying some of the same signs. "Sōji, that's funny you should ask, because that matter is actually how your father and I met and fell in love."

Sōji tilted his head to the side. "Mama, what do you mean?"

"Well, I borrowed his notes for a class I missed, and he wrote on them that he liked me."

An adorable furrowing of tiny eyebrows. "But what does that have to do with your last names?"

"I'll explain when you're older," Hinata told him, a sentence that she frequently had to say more and more as Sōji grew more curious. "Now I have to go finish these papers and then take you to Uncle Neji's house. Daddy and I have to do some business tonight so you'll be sleeping over there."

"Okay." Sōji hopped off her lap and surveyed her with large silver eyes. "Are you going to tickle Daddy after business, Mama?"

Hinata coughed. That had been the best euphemism Sasuke could come up with for their three and a half year old son? "Um, no, Sōji. Go and get yourself a snack, okay?"

Sōji wandered off obediently to the kitchen. Hinata shook her head and picked up her pen again.

Later that day, Sōji and his second cousin, Hyuuga Chie, were deciding what game to play next.

"I know the perfect game!" Sōji announced, and promptly began to take off his Ichiraku shirt (from his uncle Naruto).

Chie shrieked and covered her eyes. "Ew! What are you doing?"

Sōji blinked at her, head stuck in his sleeve. "What's wrong? This is how my parents play tickle."

After his distressed daughter told him the whole story, Tenten was forced to restrain Neji again from going on the warpath and castrating his dear cousin's husband.

Hope I properly conveyed the extreme awkwardness that is the Uchiha-Hyuuga union.

Potential out of character-ness can pretty much be explained by the alternate universe. We all know Itachi cares about Sasuke, but Fugaku prefers Itachi, so I imagine Sasuke would develop a slight complex over that. Plus Itachi is probably going to be teasing Sasuke all the time (forehead poking, anyone!) because he's an annoying big brother and he can. Hanabi+Itachi is definitely straying towards the crack end of the spectrum but I can't help liking them together, oh the shame! And I am really terrible at writing dialogue for little kids. Ah hwell. Also, who can resist sex euphemism jokes? Fun times!

Hanabi's favorite foods are bananas and milk. I am dead serious.