Touhou Doujin: Holiday Edition

Chapter 1: Hole in the Wall

Dawitsu Mansion, December 16th, early morning

Ran was finding it difficult to sleep. If she was living with Yukari, she wouldn't have even had the privilege to stay in bed this late, but her instincts were telling her to reject this privilege.

She eventually allowed worry to force her out of bed. Upon entering the Kitchen, she found none other than Chen stirring a pan containing something brown. It smelled like a rare outside world treat- Chocolate Pudding.

"Chen, what are you doing awake?"

"Making Chocolate Pudding."

"It's four o'clock in the morning..." Ran said after looking at the nearest clock, "Why on earth are you making chocolate pudding?"

"Because I've... uh... lost control of my life." Chen mumbled uncertainly.

"Okay, what's going on. Stop being strange, Chen. I'm your mistress, remember." Ran stopped and listened. There was a sound coming from... somewhere.

Behind a keg of ale in the corner, Dawitsu was sniggering. "Heh, I can't believe Chen pulled it off. It's a shame Ran doesn't get it at all..." he said to himself, almost as if he wanted to give himself away.

Ran moved the barrel Dawitsu was hiding behind, and asked, "Master, what are you doing here, at this time, awake? It's not... like masters to awake before Shikigami."

"Oh, I guess I'll have to tell you... I got Yutaka to make all the clocks in the Mansion appear to say it's Four O'clock, and got Chen to make chocolate pudding and say those lines. You played along just as I expected, Ran..."

"What? Why?"

"Just a little prank. A anti-climatic opening to the next chapter of our lives!"

"Master, that's... oh, why do I feel the urge to question you far more than I felt the urge to question Yukari?"

"Because I won't freak out about it. I know what you're gonna ask, though. What was the point? There is none, apart from a bit of fun. Okay, Yutaka, set the clocks back to real-time."

Yutaka entered the kitchen, and said, "I heard it all and did it once Ran questioned you, sir."

"Good Job. Do you know what day it is?"

"What?" Ran asked, knowing an obscure answer would follow.

"December 16th. A morning so cold that if you were to hit the earth with a ice-pick, it would break into nice clean chunks."

Yutaka felt pity for her fellow Shikigami, and said, "That reference is obscure even for people from the outside world. Would I suggest telling Ran your plans for today?"

"Ah, yes. Ran, you, Yutaka and Chen are going to go shopping. Go to the human village, and try to find some clothes that fit you. You need some new ones that don't look like anyone else's."

"But, there's got to be more important jobs to do..."

"There are. But I'm commanding you to chill out, relax and do some shopping with the girls. Okay?"

Ran sighed. "Yes, master."

"Oh, and none of that 'Master' stuff. It makes me feel all... pervy for some reason. Just call me Sir or Boss, or even call me by my Surname if it really bothers you. Now, go!"

Yutaka had already picked up some re-usable bags from the supply closet, and Chen was eating partly-cooked chocolate pudding mix. Ran sighed, waited for Chen to finish licking her 'paws', and walked towards the foyer, and ultimately, the door.

Dawitsu followed his Shikigami into the foyer.

"And one more thing, guys. I'm planning something big, and it involves Sakuya Izayoi and Patchouli Knowledge. Tell them to come here after you're done shopping."

Yutaka smiled her persistent smile, and said, "Ah... oh, we have important work to do, Ran! You too, Chen!" and ruffled Chen's hair as if she was a pet, not a fellow Shikigami.

"Thank you, master... uh, Sir." Ran concluded, and the trio exited the Dawitsu mansion.

Half an Hour later, Mayohiga

Yukari Yakumo was searching Mayohiga for new Shikigami, particularly a fox youkai like her old one. She was regretting having ever dealt with the irritatingly British-mannered mimicker that ultimately stole everything she had from her. After coming across the thirty-seventh dog youkai in the day, she finally gave up with a sigh.

"What's the point? Maybe I should just fight them again, but he now has everyone else on his side. One against four is something even I can't pull off... oh, I'll just stop by the Human Village, see what I can eat for five hundred yen."

Yukari Yakumo was just on her way to the food stall at the Human Village market, when she noticed none other than her ex-shikigami... and that Yutaka girl. Even Chen was there, but no sign of Dawitsu. A dark smile covered Yukari's face, and she soon lost interest in buying food.

Dawitsu Mansion, ten minutes later

Dawitsu was packing a suitcase in his bedroom, and had just finished getting together all his cosplay outfits (just in case) to put in a polka-dotted case. The doorbell unexpectedly rang, causing Dawitsu to redden and pretend he was never holding a Kyon uniform in his hands.

"Uh... come in, I'll be down in a minute..."

"I kind of let myself in anyway..." Yukari's voice replied, and the absence of a slamming noise made it clear she just teleported in.

Dawitsu panicked, and quickly tried to hide the suitcase, and ran into the nearest lift. Once he entered the foyer, Yukari stared at the Mimicker as if he was the spawn of the devil.

"Look. I don't want to hurt you... wait, what am I talking about, of course I want to hurt you. I'll word it better. I don't want to waste my power on you, so why don't you just give up the fight and give my Shikigami back?"

Dawitsu had no intention of getting into a fight, but he wasn't about to betray Ran by returning her to Yukari.

"Absolutely not."

Yukari slipped into a gap, which reappeared behind Dawitsu. She pressed the end of her parasol at Dawitsu's neck, and slowly threatened, "There are a million ways I can kill you right now, using only this Parasol. I don't have to do this, of course. There are a million more ways that I can kill you with my bare hands, and a number bordering a billion other ways I can kill you. I've been nice to you up until now, so tell me one good reason why I should let you live if you won't give me what's rightfully mine?"

Dawitsu had frozen in fear, every malice-lined word had hit him like a boulder. Dawitsu was trying to think of a comeback, but had none. His mind was frantically trying to find a method of self-preservation, until his sub-conscious eventually took over, causing him to spew out the strangest thing possible, given the context.

"You look really young, you know."

"What?" Yukari's grip on her parasol loosened slightly.

Dawitsu didn't quite know what he'd done, but could sense the danger level reducing.

"You look... fantastically young. And not just for an eons-old youkai, but for a human. I can see why everyone thinks you're seventeen, you're at the... uh... peak of your beauty."

Yukari tried her hardest not to smile, and then attempted to intimidatingly say, "Turn around and look me in the eye to say that!"

Dawitsu turned round, shivering slightly from both fear and the coldness of the day. He looked into Yukari's eyes. This only made him more frightened, but he proceeded to repeat what he said a moment ago.

"You... look incredibly young. Like... a model, only with a bit more substance. Those classy clothes make you look like a lady of the manor, but less frumpy. You look wonderful."

Yukari melted slightly. "Do you mean that?"

Dawitsu suddenly noticed the significance of this seemingly meaningless banter. "Uh, yeah, I mean that. You must take great care in yourself to keep that young-looking."

Yukari pointed her Parasol away from Dawitsu. "Tell me more about my beauty..."

The Human Village, during these events

Ran was still having difficulty deciding what to wear.

"This Kimono... it just isn't me..."

Yutaka somehow was getting bored of watching Ran put on new clothes, not quite liking them, and then putting them back. Chen had gotten bored ages before Yutaka, however.

"Yutaka, is it okay if I back home and see Dawi?" Chen asked Yutaka.

"Ask your mistress, I don't have any official dominion over you." Yutaka matter-of-factly replied.

"Oh, okay. Ran-sama, is it okay if I go home?"

Ran sighed, "Oh, okay, I guess. Can you take her home, Yutaka? I don't want her getting lost."

"Absolutely, I won't mind at all. After that, I'll stop by the Scarlet Devil Mansion and inform Patchy and Sakuya about our meeting."

So Chen and Yutaka walked through the Forest of Magic, finally getting to Hakurei Shrine. From there, they floated upwards, and Chen looked into the front window of the Dawitsu Mansion.

"Yutaka! Yutaka! Don't open the door!" Chen whispered urgently. She had seen none other than Yukari Yakumo sitting on the foyer sofas while Dawitsu was looking slightly frightened.

Yutaka looked to see what Chen was talking about, and quickly reacted. "Okay, Chen. I'm going to tell you about a secret entrance to the Mansion. We'll end up in the airing cupboard, but we need to be extra quiet."

"Okay." Chen replied.

The two Shikigami sneaked around the Mansion, and entered through a small, grey door that said 'This is not a secret entrance'. It's amazing how many people believed it was a bluff and didn't bother entering that way. Once they got to the airing cupboard, they listened to the conversation.

"So, you're an incompetent imbecile?" Yukari's voice was asking.

"Yes, and you're the most young-looking girl on the planet. B-but not... so young that you're, you know, flat... or anything." Dawitsu awkwardly replied.

"So I'm in my prime?"

"Yes."

"And you're ugly?"

"Yes."

"Oh, forget it. Knowing how sexy I am makes me realize I don't need Shikigami. I guess I should be thanking you, but all you did was state facts. Really I have everything and you have nothing."

Yutaka whispered, "Chen, go into kitchen, I'll follow you."

So the pair of Shikigami moved into the kitchen. Dawitsu caught a glance of his Shikigami in the hallway between the airing cupboard and the kitchen, and couldn't help but show that his attention was drawn from Yukari.

"What are you distracted by? Surely I am the most distracting thing around!"

Dawitsu was appreciating that this gimmick was saving his life, but couldn't help but be tired of this excessive complimenting.

"Sorry, I guess sometimes there are other things than beauty to be distracted by."

"Like what? You looked towards your kitchen, so I'm going there..."

Dawitsu suddenly lost control of his thoughts, and panicked over what to do to keep her away from there.

"IT'S A TRAP!"

"Oh, that was out of nowhere. It was a good film, that film made by George Lucas. One of the best outside-world pieces of fiction ever. You're funny when you're not a total idiot, you know." Yukari teased.

"No, really, it's a trap!" Dawitsu warned, not knowing whether there really was one or not.

Yukari just rolled her eyes and continued walking towards the kitchen. "You know, continuing a joke doesn't always make it funnier, it often just kills it. Anyway, I'll see what this is all about..." but was soon stopped in her talking by Chen hitting her on the head with a frying pan.

Surprisingly, Yukari was knocked out from the blow, and Chen shouted, "I saved you, Dawi!"

Yutaka revealed herself from her hiding spot, and said, "Sorry, I tried signalling to Chen to stop the ambush when I heard you attempting to keep her away from the kitchen. What were you two doing?"

"I was trying to patch things up with Yukari, but it ended just being me complimenting her youthful looks and insulting myself. She seems to like being told she looks young..." Dawitsu explained.

"Oh, I'm sorry that we did this..."

"It's okay, I needed to get out of that situation somehow. I guess we need to get her some place away from here, fast."

Chen soon volunteered, saying, "I'll take her to the netherworld! I'll make it seem that she just had a bad dream!"

"Good idea, Chen." Dawitsu said, having little faith that Chen could set things up in a way that would trick the Border Youkai.

Chen picked up the unconscious Yukari and sped out of the door. Yutaka sighed and smiled at her Boss.

"You've got to at least appreciate her attitude..." she remarked.

"Yeah, she's a good girl, just a little under-skilled. Have you informed our friends in the Scarlet Devil Mansion yet?"

"No, not yet. I'll get to it straight away!" Yutaka said, with a little salute to her boss.

"You're so cute even when you do funny things like that, you know that, Yutaka?"

Yutaka blushed. "Er... I'll get off now, Boss."

Once she left, Dawitsu grinned smugly. "Gensokyo's so awesome. I can't believe that we'll be leaving it for a while, after all this..."

Scarlet Devil Mansion, mid-day

Patchouli Knowledge was doing what she did best- reading. Sakuya was next to her, trying to read over her shoulder, but not quite comprehending the huge amount of complex gibberish that was in the book of how to move things without touching them. Apparently the incantation for moving hedgehogs was 'It's no Juice'.

Sakuya eventually gave up, and asked Patchouli, "What do you think that Yutaka girl's up to?"

"From what I hear she's typing up some sort of Grimoire for her Boss."

"Oh, her boss is making a Grimoire? Strange..."

"Why is it strange?"

"He has no power of his own... just seems a little illogical myself."

Remilia entered the library, and shouted at Sakuya, "Hey! Sakuya! Are you gonna answer the door? That Shikigami girl's at the door, and I can't stand her!"

"Coming!" Sakuya quickly replied.

"Count me in as well..." Patchouli added after a delay.

Yutaka tapped her feet a little as she waited for the residents of the Mansion to get to the door.

Once the door opened, Sakuya asked, "Hello there? What's the matter?"

"Well, the Boss wants to see you..." Yutaka said to both Sakuya and Patchouli.

Sakuya smiled from ear to ear. "He... he... wants to see... me? I... so he... he..."

Yutaka sweat-dropped. "Not you in particular. You and Patchy."

Sakuya blushed, "Uh... of course. I knew that."

Patchouli asked, "So what's the issue?"

"Well, you know that holiday we were all planning? Well, I think we're about to try it now..."

"Oh. Well, we'll have to tell the mistress the situation, won't we?" Sakuya said.

"All we need to say is we'll be gone a while. Nothing more." Patchouli more rationally said.

Sakuya shouted indirectly to Remilia, "Mistress, we're going out. Don't expect us back any time soon..."

Remilia almost instantly appeared at the doorway. "Okay, where the hell are you taking them? I don't care if it's not against their will, you aren't taking my bookworm and my maid that easily... I won't allow it!"

Patchouli proceeded to paralyse her with the same trick she did before, and Remilia fell to the floor in a heap. "Sorry we're taking so long, Yutaka. I'm sure you'll understand. I'll just freeze the younger sister so she doesn't get out again."

Patchouli left, and Sakuya and Yutaka were left awkwardly at the door together.

"So... you and your boss are close, huh?" Sakuya asked.

"Er... yeah."

"Could you put a good word in for me?"

"What?" Yutaka understood what Sakuya had said, just couldn't quite believe it.

"Nothing."

Patchouli returned, and the three set off towards the Dawitsu Mansion, all in anticipation of the big news.

Dawitsu Mansion, around quarter of an hour later

During Yutaka's discussions with the residents of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, Ran had returned from the Human Village, without a new outfit, and Chen had returned from the Netherworld, without an unconscious Yukari.

"So, Ran, how did it go?" Dawitsu dreaded to ask.

"There wasn't any which suited me well... I'm not sure why, but they just didn't."

"Oh well, I guess there'll be plenty of time later on to get good clothes. Chen, did you successfully dispose of the uh... trash?" Dawitsu carefully trod on the eggshells that could inform Ran of what Chen did to her former master.

"Yukari's all gone now, Dawi!" Chen replied with no amount of caution.

"Eh... Chen, I didn't want Ran to find out..."

"Find out what?"

"Well, I was sort of discussing things with Yukari but Chen hit her with a frying pan..." Dawitsu stated while trying not to laugh.

Ran was surprisingly unconcerned. "It's okay, it's not like she means anything to me any more..."

Yutaka entered the mansion about this time, and brought in Patchouli and Sakuya as well.

"Here they are! I stopped by to get some supplies, so I took a little longer than expected..." Yutaka explained.

"So, you thinking of having a holiday now, of all times? In the middle of winter?" Patchouli quizzed, not even bothering to say hello.

"Yeah, there's a special festival that almost all the outside world celebrates at this time of year. And, with Yukari unconscious, now's the perfect time to go! The border will be really weak! So, come on, what do you say?"

Patchouli, despite being the one who wanted to see the outside world, was now unsure. But Sakuya wasn't to be put off. "Come on, Patchy! We may never get this opportunity again! I want to see the greater picture, see what people think of our looks, our attitude, and I want to see how outside-worlders look, and what attitude they have!"

Ran, who hadn't been informed of this plan, said, "Hold on, what? You want to go out now? I get it, this is the festival Yukari referred to as 'Christmas', isn't it?"

Dawitsu smiled, "Correct, Ran. We're going to celebrate Christmas in the outside world, experience some true outside-world culture at it's finest! And we'll travel everywhere and anywhere you want to go!"

The night swiftly descended upon the five, and all the night's time was consumed with preparations. Dawitsu was excited at finally showing some of the girls the place he was born and raised... and was also excited at showing the girls to the outside world.

Author's notes: Argh, so long, I wanna die...

This is the start of a crazy adventure, folks. Outside world + Touhou Characters = Insanity.

This took me... forever.