AN: Random crack I wrote, at like three in the morning. Sugar + Insomnia + Kuroshitsuji = This O_O Have fun. Oh, and its also the closest thing to yaoi that I've ever written, which is weird, since I read sooo much of it :3 It's very random, beware. ~ Aly
It was a dreary day at the Phantomhive manor. Fangirls in "I heart Bassy" tshirts clawed at the doors, with Grell leading them, trying to get in. Other fangirls in "I heart Ciel-kun" t shirts were trying to bust through the windows, and a random old lady was waddling about with a "I heart Tanaka" shirt. Nothing out of the ordinary.
Ciel was in a horrid mood, as he just was told the most terrible news imaginable.
"Young master, you needn't worry; everything will run smoothly." Sebastian smiled at Ciel and winked in an incredibly seductive way, which undoubtedly sent a couple of the fangirls into giggling fits. "After all, I am one hell of a butler."
"No it won't, Sebastian," Ciel chided him, putting his usual over-excessive amount of pronunciation on the "i", which hopefully annoys the crap out of other people and not just the author. "I do not wish to take care of that beast. I have better things to do with my time." Ciel flipped his hair dramatically, which caused a few fangirls to explode a little.
Apparently Claude was busy doing "Claude-things", so the Phantomhive's had to take care of Alois for the day. Ciel, who despised the pervert, could be quoted in saying "He's worse than Hitler, terrorists, World War Three, and Miley Cyrus all in one." He did, however, suppose all the Ciel x Alois shippers were spazzing out.
The earl sighed in a very Edward-Cullen-style emo way. "Bring me my tea," he ordered his butler, and took out his brand new iPhone 6. He updated his Facebook status.
"havv 2 bbysit da Tranzy brahht. FML."
Sebastian returned with the tea. After serving Ciel, he did a few cartwheels, unbuttoned his shirt, and licked his lips. He whispered, "I am simply one hell of a butler," and glided away. Ciel rolled his eyes.
A shriek of "Ciel, my darling!" rang through the manor in what Ciel recognized as Alois's voice. Ciel groaned and stood up, making his way slowly to the front of the mansion, where Sebastian was already welcoming Alois and Claude.
Alois squealed, skipped merrily over to Ciel and gave him a huge hug, crushing his lungs. After gasping his hello's (and a few week reminders of his asthma issues), Ciel managed to squirm out of Alois's grip. He was dressed in his usual purple and green attire, but had a huge yellowing bruise spread across his left cheek; we'll leave those pesky Alois x Claude shippers to their imaginations, the dirty bastards.
A smile plastered on his face, Alois declared, "Let's play dress up!" He roughly grabbed Ciel's arm and started pulling him to his room (which he knew all too well, wink wink).
Sebastian bowed and announced to just call for him if they needed anything. Ciel's eyes filled with unimaginable horror. "No!" he mouthed furiously at his butler, feeling his eyes swell with hopeless tears. Alois started dragging him up the stairs, giggling like a maniac. "You can't leave me alone with him!"
The butler just smiled wryly and continued on his sexy way, murmuring, "I am simply one hell of a butler". Bitch.
"We're going to have so much fun, Ciel! You get to be my doll for the day!"
Outside, a gangster panda was smoking and gnawing on bamboo.
Alois reached Ciel's regal room and through the earl onto his bed (cue fangirl giggle). He started ripping through his closets, hampers and drawers, looking for something dress up material. Suddenly, the room transformed into a dark, black and white form. Lightning struck outside, and a stony look came over Alois's face. Ciel wondered what the hell was going on.
Alois was having a flashback. An eccentric one.
His mother was in hysterical tears, screaming at him through her sobs.
"Damn you, Jim! Why? Why must your shorts be so short? I don't know what to do anymore! Put on some freaking pants, for God's sake! How can shorts even be so short? WHY?"
She collapsed into a pile of sobs and mini-seizures. Alois's father smacked Alois across the face and bent down to his wife on the ground.
Mrs. Macken clung to her husband, tears rolling off her face. "Why?"
"I don't know, honey, I just don't know!"
Mr. Macken himself had to hold back a sob.
"What should we do?" Mrs. Macken looked terrified.
With a dramatic hair flip, her husband spoke in a low whisper: "We are going to have to...leave him somewhere."
"You can't possibly mean...kick him out in the rain? Like he's a mere sack of potatoes?"
Another strangled sob, a deep breath, and a hair flip. "That's exactly what I mean."
"But what if he gets kidnapped by some rich pedophile? What if he's raped, and then forms a contract with a demon? Won't he be, like, totally messed up and junk?"
Mr. Macken stood up and strode over to Alois, smacking him again, leaving a hand print on his cheek. He turned around and sighed, closing his eyes. "It will be worth it. I mean, wearing shorts that short is unjust. Whore."
Alois's flashback ended, and the room once again filled with color.
Alois continued searching Ciel's belongings until he found something quite scandalous hidden deep within the bottom drawer of his desk. It was silky and pink...and just screamed 'Alois'. An evil grin swept over his face.
He suddenly tackled Ciel, pinning his arms and legs down to the bed (please try to contain your inner yaoi fangirl). Ciel gasped, "What are you doing?" before his mouth was covered by Alois's hand. A few Sebby x Ciel shippers started screaming "RAPE!" at the top of their lungs. Alois ignored them and started ripping off Ciel's clothes until he was down to merely his underwear ("RAPE!").
Ciel was blushing furiously and tried struggling as Alois started to dress him in the old pink dress. At one point Ciel made a run for the door, only to be pushed harshly back onto the lush bed. "Trancy, this is absurd!" he muttered as Alois finished tying the last of the silky ribbons and bows (he hadn't bothered with the corset, because he knew the author would go into a one thousand word paragraph describing every fine aspect of that wonderful event. Ahh...maybe another time).
He sat Ciel up and fixed his hair carefully, sticking out his tongue and closing one eye. He finally exclaimed, "Perfect!" and turned the earl to face his full body mirror.
What Ciel saw was just as horrifying as the last time he wore that monstrosity, just without the huge hairpiece. Ciel scowled and turned his head away, remembering to flip his bangs, leaving the Ciel fangirls in fits of who-knows-what.
Alois ran his hands lightly over the dress, and Ciel, admiring the blue-haired boy's reflection. Ciel mumbled his disapproval, but otherwise let the earl have his fun. A happy Alois was better than an upset Alois (although not by much).
Alois suddenly grabbed his chin and pulled his face closer to his own. Looking him directly in the eyes (or eye, can't forget about that godawful eye patch), Alois whispered in his usual seductive manner, "I bet you'd look lovely in lingerie..."
Abruptly, that dude from Scary Movie appeared and shouted, "Run, bitch, ruuun!"
Ciel ran as fast as he could out of his room and down the stairs, catching Alois by surprise. Laughing, Alois ran after him, screeching, "You can run but you can't hide!"
Ciel sprinted through the mansion, eventually crouching behind a pillar, cursing his dress. He was out of breath and wheezing slightly. The earl certainly didn't want to face Alois again, and he also guessed the Alois x Ciel shippers were pissed that they didn't get their yaoi, so he assumed hiding was his best option.
That is, until he heard Alois's frantic guffaws floated closer and closer to his hiding place, and then - yay - he was standing right in front of him. "There you are, Ciel! That was fun, but hide-in-seek isn't my favorite kind of foreplay, that's-"
Alois continued his rambling, but Ciel didn't listen because he heard a low, sadistic chuckle from nearby, followed by a small, "I am simply one hell of a butler". Oh. Seems the butler gave away his hiding spot. Bitch.
Alois dragged Ciel back upstairs and undressed him again, this time dressing him in super short shorts identical to his own. Ciel was very much disgusted with the horrid outfit change, as were much of the fandom, because most of them agree with the author that Ciel has the ugliest knees ever drawn. He also sported a Nyan Cat t shirt.
Alois rushed, rambling on and on. Ciel listened through half-hearted ears, wanting to take a long bubble bath.
"We'll play Truth or Dare! Or wait, we can go swimming! Or wait, we can go to Canada! Was Canada even invented in the 1800s? And what about McDonald's? I freaking love peanut butter..."
A few hours passed. Ciel was in hell. Truth or Dare, peanut butter, Alois, McDonald's, Canada. Eating peanut butter with Alois while playing truth or dare in a Canadian McDonald's. And it continued, with no help from Sebastian. Bitch.
Just as Alois was about to show Ciel how to "dougie", Claude came back, announcing his arrival with a few intricate tap-dancing moves. Ciel, his hair disheveled, his eye patch torn, bags under his eyes, covered in blood, limped over to Claude, clutching his polished tailcoat. "How...do you...Alois...ughh...?" he nearly fainted, collapsing at Claude's feet, looking very exhausted. Claude kicked his semi-conscious body and collected Alois curtly, his usual blank expression on his face.
Alois winked at Ciel's corpse and departed gleefully, "Au revoir, my darling!"
Ciel fainted, sobbing. He twitched a little, for the whole dramatic-fabulous fanservice thing he was going for.
Sebastian did a few flips and announced, "I am one hell of a butler." Bitch.
Then Grell murdered everyone with his death scythe. Yep.
AN: Best thing evar written in the history of forevar, right? D: No? Well, review, unless pedo-bear is gonna get you. And he's gonna teach you how to dougie. 'Cause all the bitches love me. Yepp. ~Aly