Date Night

Rating: PG-13/T

Genre: Humor/Romance
Summary: Crack. In retrospect, they probably should have seen something like this coming. Gabriel/Kali, Castiel/Rachel, Balthazar/Atropos and Raphael/Eve.

Author's Note: … It got in there, and it would NOT LEAVE. This has been in the works for MONTHS.

Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural. It belongs to Eric Kripke.

()()

Atropos did not like seeing things in retrospect.

She was an agent of fate, a deity that was supposed to know and understand things before they happened, not after.

And so she did not like looking back on events and thinking "Why?"

She had, to a degree, sensed that maybe going on a triple-date with Balthazar and two of his brothers would not go and or end well.

Especially when one of those brothers had been posing as a pagan trickster god for the last two-thousand odd years, and his date happened to be a goddess not famed for a particularly bubbly demeanor. Especially when the other brother of that mix was Castiel, who had, with those Winchester apes, all but screwed her out of a job. His date, Rachel, was the only person she did not take issue with: She barely knew the woman. Angel. Whatever.

Balthazar, the bastard, had all but conned her into a date.

"Go out with us, and I promise not to change history again." He said. Her eyes had narrowed.

"Change history again and I'll castrate you." She'd warned.

"Let's see you try."
And she had- tried, anyway. And failed. He was fast and crafty, and she was not the strongest of her sisters (That was Clotho. She had a thing for heavy, blunt objects and practiced their use as weapons against other regularly).

In the end, she agreed solely because she did not want the headache of having to deal with the fallout of him preventing the Archduke Ferdinand's assassination or the invention of the cotton gin. And so, on a windy Friday night in Massachusetts, she met Balthazar on a dock not so far from the restaurant.

"Goodness!" He whistled when he saw her. She couldn't blame him as much as she would have dearly liked to; the skirt of her robin's-egg blue dress was, in fact, quite short.

"Here, let me hem it." Lachesis had said. Later on, when she was done and Atropos put it on and found that the skirt barely covered certain areas of her body that she didn't generally display to the public, Lachesis said "Whoops, sorry! Must have measured it wrong!"

Which was a load of complete and utter Bull Crap. Lachesis never measured things incorrectly. It was her God-given job. She just wanted Atropos to 'pull the stick out' as much as Balthazar did, and apparently thought that helping her big sister get laid would accomplish that.

"I want your eyes above my shoulders at all times tonight, buster." Atropos snapped dangerously as she stalked towards him, the clicking of her heels muffled slightly on the significantly worn wood.

"No promises, darling." Balthazar said with a note of glee in his voice.

Atropos wanted so, so badly to hurt him.

()()

For about the first fifteen minutes at the table, Gabriel and Balthazar were the only ones who spoke.

Atropos was there against her will. She was starting to suspect that Castiel and his date, Rachel, had also been coerced into coming. Kali was, true to form, less than pleased to be around so many angels (Atropos had heard through the grapevine that she wasn't fond of them, and privately wondered why in the hell she was dating Gabriel, then) and just gave them all disinterested looks out of the corner of her eyes.

"So how about that Spearmint Rhino, eh?" Gabriel grinned at his brother. Balthazar gave an eerily similar grin back, and Atropos, from that moment on, decided that she would blame Gabriel for Balthazar's behavior; because it was starting to look like that it had all started with him.

"Oh, it's delightful. I was there last week-"

"Here's an idea," Kali interrupted in a deadpan, though the way she jabbed the cherry in her martini with the little umbrella implied unspoken hostility. "How about not talking about your exploits at the strip club when you're on a date?"

"Sorry babe. Forgot myself." Gabriel did not look apologetic. Not even slightly. He turned to Castiel and Rachel, who were just kind of sitting there like a couple of nervous teenagers who'd never been on a date before which, given their statuses as virgins, was more or less true. (How did Atropos know they were virgins, you may wonder? It's simple: When referring to Castiel and Rachel in conversation, Balthazar would often call them 'those silly little virgins').

"How're you two doing? Did you pop each other's cherries yet or what?"

Kali rolled her eyes and downed the rest of her martini like a shot, and Atropos found that she suddenly liked the other goddess a lot more.

Castiel and Rachel stared at Gabriel, and then exchanged their own confused looks before turning back. "I… Don't believe Rachel or myself are in possession of any cherries." Castiel said slowly, uncomprehending.

"They seem to be out of season at the moment." Rachel added, also missing the joke. Atropos suddenly had a strong suspicion that Castiel and Rachel were here, at least in some part, for entertainment purposes. Only somewhat, though, given that she was also quite certain that dedicating themselves to getting their younger siblings to sleep with each other sounded a lot like something Gabriel and Balthazar would do.

The two angels were currently gnawing on their lips, trying very hard not to start giggling at their younger siblings' obvious confusion. They looked like naughty schoolboys rather than the adult human males they appeared to be and the ancient, angelic beings they actually were.

"I need a drink." Kali muttered. "A stronger drink."

"You drink a lot when you go out with him?" Atropos asked, jerking a thumb towards Gabriel. Kali shut her eyes and nodded very, very slowly.

"You have no idea."

"I might, actually." Atropos groused. Kali's eyes flickered towards Balthazar and she did not disagree.

It was at that moment that a peppy young waitress came over to their table, eyes twinkling and smile wide. "Good evening, folks! Have you decided on what you'll be having tonight?"

Kali and Gabriel ordered- Well, Atropos didn't know exactly what they ordered. But it was meat. Bloody. Gabriel must have picked up certain tastes whilst amongst Kali and certain other gods. Odin and the others of his pantheon had always had a thing for rare meat.

Castiel and Rachel ordered crab. Actually, Balthazar kind of ordered it for them since they didn't have much in the way of experience with food; Castiel had apparently eaten hamburgers before, but not much else. Rachel had never eaten at all. Balthazar ordered chicken.

"And you, miss?" Atropos scanned the menu briefly, flicked her gaze to Balthazar and then back up to the waitress.

"What meat on this menu would require a very sharp knife to cut?" She asked, shooting yet another dark look at her date out of the corner of her eye. Balthazar just smiled indulgently at her, but the waitress seemed oblivious.

"That would be the steak."

"I'll go with that."

The waitress skipped off. Kali glared after her, the long nail on her index finger tapping her wine glass ominously.

"There should be a law against being that cheery." Atropos stared at her bleakly.

"Why do we not know each other better?"

"Most likely due to the large area of distance between India and Italy, and the fact that to the best of my knowledge your pantheons haven't been involved in any direct conflicts or negotiations since-" Rachel stopped when she saw everyone staring at her. "That was a rhetorical question, wasn't it?"

"It was."

"My apologies."

There was relative silence for the next few minutes. Atropos liked it that way, and dared to hope that if it could last for the rest of the night she might lose the urge to go on an indiscriminate slaughter.

But of course, that was asking too much.

Balthazar put his arm around her shoulders. She didn't know if he was doing it to mimic Gabriel (Memo: Kill Gabriel later, because as mentioned before he was clearly the original Balthazar) or if he was just trying to be an ass, and quite frankly she didn't care. Atropos drew in a slow, deep breath.

"Get off me."

"Why?"

"Because I'll hurt you if you don't."

"Aisa-"

"Do not call me Aisa."

"Atropos, we've been doing this 'rabbit season, duck season' bit for a while now. I don't think I have to tell you who's been playing the role of Daffy Duck." The look she gave him was positively stormy and ominous. "You tried hurting me before. That failed. You tried again: That failed too. Why not stop with the threats and just relax?"

Atropos took in another slow, deep breath. She counted to ten. Took another breath, and then slowly let it out. When she was done, she turned to Balthazar with a serene smile. "Take your damn arm off me," She said sweetly, "Or I'm going to stab this butter knife into your crotch." The speed with which she acquired said knife was rather impressive to the five other occupants at the table.

Balthazar considered for a moment, and then wisely removed his arm.

"She'll warm up to you." Gabriel smiled sweetly at his little brother. "It took me fifty years of patient poking and prodding to get Kali to not try to torch me every time she saw me."

"And fifty more to get me to stop punching him whenever he was stupid enough to come into range." Kali added sardonically.

"I was optimistic."

"You were pathetic."

"Were." Gabriel emphasized proudly.

Castiel and Rachel seemed to be just silently sitting off to the side, watching their siblings and their respective dates like a game of tennis that had suddenly turned violent. Atropos had noticed Castiel's arm around Rachel's waist, subtle and unnoticed by anyone else but her.

Lucky. She got the boyfriend who keeps his mouth shut and is too naïve to know any decent sex jokes. And Castiel knew how to keep the peace, whereas Gabriel and Balthazar seemed to be obsessed with destroying it at every turn. How did he even survive in his brothers' presence without his head exploding?

Atropos pondered that until the food arrived.

With hers came that particularly sharp knife she was hoping for, and once the waitress had walked away she made sure to twirl it threateningly in her hand whilst her eyes were locked firmly on Balthazar's. She was satisfied to see him swallow visibly.

Meanwhile, Castiel's eyes widened. "Is the seafood supposed to be dead when they bring it to the table?"

"Generally, why?" Castiel pointed to his plate, on which the small, cooked crab had suddenly lifted itself onto its segmented legs and was now snapping its claws threateningly up at the angel.

The grunted, muffled snicker from the direction of a certain archangel surprised no one. Balthazar bit his lip to maintain his composure; Castiel and Rachel, as usual, failed to see the joke. Kali and Atropos were bored with the act already.

"What? Not funny?" Gabriel asked.

"No more so than usual." Kali remarked.

"I must be losing my touch."

"No, I'm just very used to 'your touch'." Kali realized belatedly the double-entendre in that sentence and pressed her fingers over her eyes as Gabriel curled an arm around her shoulders and purred.

"Don't I know it, babe." He gave her a massively cheesy wink, and Atropos filed 'Why Hasn't Kali Killed Gabriel Yet?' under the 'Things to Consider at a Later Date' folder in her brain. "You know, that actually reminds me of something that happened last week-" Atropos put her head on the table whilst Kali covered her face. "-I was in this bar in Chattanooga, and there was this waitress who naaaa… Whaaaa…?" Atropos frowned into the tablecloth and then picked her head up.

Standing beside their table was an African American man and a young woman with long, wavy brown hair pulled back into a bun. Atropos recognized the man immediately, explaining Gabriel's surprised. "Raphael?"

He looked at her darkly. "Atropos."

"And who are you?" She asked the woman to his right. She tilted her head to the side studied the blonde goddess for a moment much like Atropos was certain Ted Bundy studied his victims before he attacked and killed them, and then answered.

"I go by Eve."

"Like- 'Mother of All', 'Creator of All Manners of Nasty Monsters' Eve?" Balthazar clarified, sounding more than a touch surprised and alarmed.

Eve's eyes narrowed fractionally. "My babies are not monsters."

"And you're out with…?" Gabriel twitched his finger towards Raphael, who glared at his little brother. Before he could stop her, though, Eve nodded.

"Indeed."

There was a long, long pause.

Raphael sniffed, and seemed to be trying to look anywhere but the eyes of the table's occupants. Eve's eyes flickered coolly over the angels and goddesses. "Well," The Mother of Freaking Everything (So dubbed by Dean Winchester) stated flatly. She looked surprisingly attractive in a blood-red dress that was, if Atropos knew anything about her, probably dyed with the blood of babies, virgins and newborn bunnies. "This is awkward."

That seemed to break the spell.

"Awkward?" Gabriel squawked. "Awkward? Of all of the words in the English language that you could use to describe this moment, you're going with awkward? It's freakin' horrifying is what it is!"

Raphael seemed to be fully aware of this. Eve was either choosing not to see it or was ignoring it. She'd always been a weird one. Of course, she was also sadistic, and so it was not impossible that she was playing it cool just to get a reaction.

Castiel and Rachel seemed to be the two most bothered by Raphael and Eve's appearance- Odds were they'd been actively trying to kill Raphael last week, and Castiel was in the process of helping the Winchester brothers find a way to kill Eve. Castiel looked torn between ripping out his sword and ducking beneath the table. Rachel just looked stony. Raphael, oddly enough, didn't seem interested in starting a fuss; maybe Eve had him whipped.

A shudder ran through Atropos' body as she considered that.

"What…?" Castiel asked stiffly, and yet with such horrified confusion. "What… Are you doing? Here?"

Eve met the dark haired angel's gaze unflinchingly.

"Well, we were going to go back to my place and have some fantastic sex, but-" Raphael slapped a hand over her mouth, eyes shut, teeth grit.

"Wait for me outside, Eve." His hand was still on her mouth, so all she did was cock an eyebrow before disappearing into thin air and reappearing outside. Once she was gone, the archangel turned to look at his younger brothers, sister and the two goddesses, expression stormy.

"We will never speak of this."

"Agreed." Castiel said immediately.

"Ditto." Gabriel mumbled.

"Of course." Rachel assured.

Balthazar was silent.

"Balthazar!"

"Fine, fine!" Balthazar put up his hands. "My mouth stays shut!" Raphael glanced at Kali, who gave him a level stare.

"I don't care."

"Likewise." Atropos agreed, kneading her temples. She did not honestly give a rat's ass who Raphael was shagging on his off time. The war in heaven was not her problem, and she intended to keep it that way.

Raphael, looking very unhappy and still quite tense, disappeared.

For about five minutes, a pervasive silence hung over the table.

"So…" Gabriel tapped his fingers on the table thoughtfully, brow furrowed. "Knowing Raphael… And knowing Eve… Who do you think tops in that relationship?"

"Hey ladies, want to go to the powder room?" Atropos interrupted swiftly. Kali practically jumped out of the seat.

"Right behind you."

Rachel- precious, precious Rachel- blinked. "I don't believe I require-"

"Sure you do." Atropos all but hauled the other blonde out of the seat and dragged her to the restroom.

There were four other women in the restroom when the three supernatural beings entered, but one dark look from Kali and they vamoosed pretty quickly, heels clicking frantically as they retreated.

"Ugh," Atropos slumped against the wall. "This is every bit as agonizing as I thought it would be."

"Seconded." Kali grumbled. "And Rachel, a note for the future: When a woman says 'We're going to the powder room', it means 'We're escaping the men for a bit to regain what sanity they've ripped away from us'."

"Oh." Rachel shifted a little, and as pretty as she looked in her dark green, knee-length dress, she also looked very uncomfortable. Atropos knew her as a soldier, and this was the first time she'd seen Rachel in something definitively feminine in at least three thousand years. "My brothers are bothering you?"

"Whatever gave you that idea?" Atropos drawled, deadpanned.

"You seem displeased with them." The Fate tipped her head back to bang against the wall, cursing the fact that angels seem to have managed to avoid being exposed to a great deal of sarcasm in their long, long lives. "I'm also well aware that their… Antics… Can be grating on the nerves."

"I suppose you would know." Kali muttered, adjusting her hair in the mirror; Gabriel had had his arm around her shoulders for a time, and he had probably disturbed it. "How do you put up with it?"

Rachel thought for a moment. "Gabriel I've learned to ignore."

"And Balthazar?"

"I hurt him." Rachel smiled a little too sweetly at that to be completely innocent. Kali and Atropos regarded her silently for a moment.

"Badly?" Atropos clarified.

"Of course."

"Teach me." The blonde begged. "I tried to kill him before agreeing to go on this damn date and I couldn't catch him."

"Get him into bed and tie him down," Kali suggested, now rummaging through her purse. "Always works with Gabriel." Rachel tilted her head to the side.

"How do you manage to tie him down?" She inquired. "Angels are not easily restrained." Kali's smile was a mix of grimness and slyness.

"I have my ways."

"So…" Atropos waved her hand for a moment. "Okay. I have to ask. He acts like a child, is constantly running off his mouth and has a somewhat nauseating sense of humor that just never quits. Why are you with him?" She asked.

Kali was silent for a moment as she took a long drink from her glass, and both Atropos and Rachel suddenly realized that she had either snapped the glass up out of thin air or had actually carried it with her from the table.

"He has his moments." She paused. "And he's really, really good in bed."

There was a pause.

"What do cherries have to do with Castiel and myself?" Rachel inquired suddenly, making Kali cough slightly on her drink and Atropos to groan softly.

"Popping someone's 'cherry' is a contemporary metaphor for taking their virginity. They wanted to know if you and Castiel have had sex yet." Atropos muttered. She went to slide her glasses up so that she could pinch the bridge of her nose, but then remembered that she wasn't wearing them.

Rachel- predictably- went bright red. "Yes, yes, we know, that's ridiculous, you would never-"

Rachel cut Kali off with a slight cough.

Kali and Atropos stared at the angel once more, expressions of numb disbelief on their faces.

"No way." Atropos said.

"…Experimental, first-time, only-time virgin-sex, or…?" Kali shook her head slightly, urging Rachel to elaborate.

She shifted from foot to foot, avoiding the goddesses' eyes.

"Hm." She coughed. "No. More than that."

"How much more than that?"

Rachel rolled her eyes to the ceiling, mouthing something to herself. Counting.

"Seventeen… Eighteen times?"

Atropos' mouth slowly dropped open. Kali dropped her glass, but no one seemed to hear it shatter. Rachel's eyes flipped between them, concerned.

"What?"

"And you two are…" Atropos looked for the right word. "Together? Romantically?" Rachel gave a small shrug.

"I don't know. We have sex a lot. Other times we fight together. Does that qualify as a romantic relationship?"

Kali blinked.

"I think we should go back out now."

"Me too."

"Why?"

"Because rejoining the company of others will ensure that we haven't fallen into some warped alternate dimension."

The men were looking over the dessert menu when they returned.

"Something wrong?" Gabriel asked jovially when he saw the expression on Kali and Atropos' faces.

"Nope."

"Not a thing."

"I honestly don't know."

Balthazar cocked an eyebrow at the three and nodded slowly. "Right. We probably shouldn't ask. In my experience, conversations held in the ladies' room stay in the ladies' room."

"You have no idea." Atropos tossed back her wine and slammed the glass down on the table hard enough to crack it.

Over the next hour, Atropos had more than her fair share of wine. She drank like a fish. It was amazing: The more she drank, the less irritating Balthazar became. It was astonishing. No wonder Kali could handle Gabriel and his wiseass personality: All she had to do was stay perpetually drunk.

She, Kali and Rachel endured through the hour or so of conversation dominated by their dates, primarily Balthazar and Gabriel, until finally they dragged their brother into a conversation that brought some attention to him.

"You've never had sex."

Castiel glanced at Rachel, blushed slightly, and shook his head. Odds were he was the type that didn't kiss and tell.

"No."

"Really?"

"No. Why do you and Dean seem to have this obsession with me being a virgin?"

"Because it would be pitiful if you died one, Cas."

The look that passed between Castiel and Rachel seemed almost mischievous.

Atropos took a very, very long guzzle of her wine.

"Tell me you've at least kissed somebody."

"He has." Balthazar chuckled confidently.

"No I haven't." Castiel actually looked panicked.

"Yes, well, according to your Howler Monkeys you were kissing someone." Balthazar cocked an eyebrow at Castiel. "Meg, Cas? Really?"

"Azazel's kid?" Gabriel asked. His eyes widened suddenly and his mouth clamped shut. His, Balthazar's and in particular Castiel's eyes flickered towards Rachel.

For the first time that night, Rachel actually looked sincerely perturbed with her date. "You kissed a demon?"

Ah, and there was that familiar female touch that clearly stated 'I had better have heard that wrong, dog meat'.

"Why?"

Castiel was silent for a moment, and then he shrugged. "She kissed me first." Rachel's eyebrows shot up at that, achieving a look only a woman on the verge of slaughter can accomplish, and Balthazar and Gabriel both winced a little and turned away.

Atropos and Kali found themselves genuinely interested for the first time since dinner had begun.

It probably had something to do with the likelihood of angelic blood being shed (which was high).

"And then you kissed her back?" Rachel pressed.
"…Yes."

"Why?"

Now Castiel looked a little uncomfortable. He didn't answer.

"Castiel."

"Answer her," Gabriel warned. "Answer her now, while you still have lungs to do it with!"

Castiel mumbled something without making eye contact with Rachel. Atropos, Balthazar, Gabriel and Rachel didn't hear it, but evidently Kali did, because she choked sharply on her wine and coughed profusely for a moment. "What?" She croaked, looking at Castiel oddly.

"I… Was doing what the pizza man did."

For one, long moment, there was total silence.

Rachel stared at him, anger momentarily gone.

"What's a pizza man?"

Castiel blushed slightly. "It's a man who brings food to someone's house and then engages in sexual intercourse with them."

This time, Kali actually spit the wine out in her surprise. Gabriel and Balthazar burst into hysterical laughter, and not for the first time, Atropos was thankful that they were in a fairly loud and busy restaurant, or they'd be getting a lot of stares.

"C-C-Cas," Balthazar croaked. "W-Were you watching a p-p-p-porno?"

Castiel's blush went even darker red. "…Yes."

His brothers fell completely to pieces. Rachel, on the other hand, was still failing to see the humor. "What's a porno?" She asked, her voice laced with increasing frustration. Kali lightly tapped her shoulder and leaned in close to her ear, whispering. In a matter of less than a minute, Rachel let out a squeak. "Castiel! Why were you watching…?" She didn't seem to be able to complete that sentence.

"Y'know, that's a good question," Atropos drawled. Maybe it was the lunacy of the situation or the fact that she was on her twenty-fourth glass of wine (she was such a lightweight; Kali had packed away much more alcohol than that and was still looking as sharp as ever), but she was oddly at ease with everything. Nothing was bothering her right now. "Why were you watching a porno, Cas?"

"Because it was there." Castiel hissed, mortified. "Sam and Dean called to me for help in finding Crowley, they were in a motel, it had a porn DVD, I watched it. There's no more to it than that."

"Apparently there was more to it than that, or you wouldn't have considered acting out such things with a demon- Was this before or after we got together?"

"Before!" Castiel winced. "Right before, actually."

"'Right before?'"

"…Fourteen hours… Maybe?"

Rachel made a scoffed noise of disbelief and crossed her arms. For the first time that night she looked a lot less like an uncertain, awkward teenager and more like a pissed off lieutenant-rank soldier with a serious bone to pick.

This must have troubled Gabriel and Balthazar as well as their little brother, because they seemed to have tensed up every bit as much as Castiel had. Gabriel looked at his wrist; seeming to purposefully emphasize the movement (Atropos did not recall seeing a watch).

"Oh, look at the time! I think maybe we should be going."

Kali, however, actually seemed to detect some promise in Rachel's fury and presumably wanted to stick around to see Castiel get hurt. "Do we have to?"

"Did you have plans?" Balthazar asked.

"We," Gabriel motioned to himself and Kali, "Were going to catch a movie. Probably a comedy. I hear the new Twilight movie's out."

"…The Twilight Saga isn't a comedy."

Gabriel snorted. "Clearly you've never seen it."

Balthazar turned to Castiel and Rachel. "And you two?"

Castiel opened his mouth to speak, but Rachel swiftly cut him off. "I'd like to meet this Meg."

Castiel looked like a terrified puppy. "That- I don't know if that- An idea- That wouldn't be good-" He shrank back a look at the purely wrathful look Rachel directed at him. "If you really want to."

"Oh, I do."

Gabriel looked at Balthazar and Atropos and grinned, mouthing 'Whipped!' and flicking his wrist like he was snapping a whip. He then gave a little wave and started off towards the door. Kali hesitated, gaze darting between Atropos and Rachel.
"The three of us should really start drinking together." She remarked.

"We should." Rachel agreed, still glaring at Castiel.

"Totally." Atropos raised her glass to Kali, wavering slightly. The goddess of destruction sighed and then followed after Gabriel. Dimly, through the haze of alcohol, Atropos wondered if Kali would really be the kind to actually find one of the Twilight movies genuinely amusing.

A moment later, Castiel and Rachel disappeared. Atropos tried very hard to use the alcohol to block out the idea that the two were probably going to engage in angry sex later on once Rachel had toasted this 'Meg' person.

Balthazar languidly rose from his seat, stretching. He looked vaguely disappointed that the night was over. Atropos also rose, unsteadily and leaning on the table for support. "So… I suppose I'd be risking my manhood in asking if you'd be interested in a nightcap?"

She observed him silently for a moment.

"You know what? Screw it." Atropos made to step forward and found she was a little more wobbly than she'd been when she'd walked into the restaurant earlier. Balthazar's arm swung out and wrapped around her waist to steady her. "You know what we should do?" She downed the last of her wine and slammed the glass down on the table. "We should go back to… Wherever… And have sex. That's the only thing about this night that would qualify as normal. The only-freaking-thing."

Balthazar- wouldn't it figure- actually looked hesitant. "Are you sure?" This would be a hollow victory for him if she wasn't sober enough to enjoy it. Or remember it. He might have to work a little magic on her to make sure she did.

Then it hit him: Atropos had propositioned him for sex.

Why the hell were they not in his bedroom- or any bedroom- right now?

"Your wish is my command, darling."

-End