"Gollum, Gollum. Gollum, Gollum. Gollum, Gollum. Gollum, Gollum. GOLLUM, GOLLUM."

"..This is not a house elf, Luci dear."

"..Don't call me Luci. And I am aware, Bella, dear."

"..What is it?"

"..I'm not entirely sure."


"...Is it a Gollum?"

"...What, exactly, is a Gollum, Bellatrix?"

"..I don't know. Ask the thing. It keeps calling itself a Gollum."

"...I am positive it has something stuck in its throat."

"Nu-uh. Ask it."

"You ask it."


"You've always been interested in things just as insane as you."


"..Fine. What is your name, house elf?"

"Not a house elf, Luci-"

"Don't call me Luci. What is your name. . thing?"


"...Gollum is your name?"

"My preciousssssss..."

"Is your name Gollum or Precious?"

"...I don't think it's name is Precious, Lucius."

"..Shut up, Bellatrix. Gollum?"

"Filthy maggotses, trying to gollum gollum hurt poor Smeagol, filthy filthy. . my precious.. gollum gollum."

The blonde stood up from his awkward knelt position on the ground next to the not-house-elf.

Bellatrix stepped in front of him, eyes glinting maniacally.

"What's your name, thing?" she giggled, prodding the creature in the side of the head roughly with the back of her hand.

"Gollum, gollum. Filthy hobbitses, with their furry feetses, yesss, my preciousss, gollum- filthy maggotses, not hobbitses.. filthy- filthy- aagh!" The creature shrieked as Bellatrix, rather insulted and sure that she was just called filthy by a filthy not-house-elf creature, crucioed it.

"You filthy beast!" she shrieked, tackling it. "TELL ME YOUR NAME!"

"GOLLUUUM!" he shrieked back, writhing on the ground. "FILTHY MAGGOTSES! It burnses, it burnses! Gets it offs us! GETS IT OFFS!"

Lucius sighed and kicked Bellatrix hard in the side. The insane woman fell off of the not-house-elf with a grunt, holding her ribs. 'Gollum' gasped on the ground, kicking its pathetic, and rather small, not-house-elf legs. It only wore a strip of cloth and Lucius grimaced, rolling it onto its side warily. Gollum snapped at his finger, and he drew back, eyes wide. Bellatrix cackled from her place on the ground as Gollum scrambled up and tackled the blonde, grabbing his hair. "Stupid maggotses!"

Lucius shrieked in a very unmanly way and proceeded to be chased around all of Malfoy Manor by an insane not-house-elf called Gollum, while Bellatrix Lestrange stole his wine and watched and laughed hard as his hair was ripped out by clawed fingers. When Narcissa Malfoy came home to see her husband being chased by something that did not look like a house elf at all, his legs wrapped around her husband's neck and tugging at his hair insanely, she sighed.

"GET HIM OFF OF ME, NARCISSA!" yelped Lucius, being steered by the not-house-elf past her.

Narcissa tried not to laugh; oh, how she tried, but oh, how she failed.

So yeah. This is what would happen if Gollum met the Malfoys..and..er, Bellatrix Lestrange. ABSOLUTE DISASTER. I hope I made him talk correctly, I'm not good at portraying house elves or not-house-elves like Gollum. Sigh. Woe is me. Review, my pretties. -MFW