A/N: Hello! I'm still here, and my multi-chap fics will be finished! I promise. I know I've been rubbish recently. I'm pretty sure I have messages to reply to, stories to read and review etc etc. Sorry. I shan't go on. I just had to write this after today's ep :) (technically yesterday's now, I suppose). SPOILERS. It's set during and after s4 ep6. 'Onbregdan' is a summoning spell. It literally means 'here'. Hope you like it :) Also - it's crack. I know I write too many stories where they end up using modern technology, but I just had to write this one!
Gasping for breath, Merlin, or Dragoon (pause for dramatic effect) as he had taken to referring to himself when he had this much beard attached to his chin, wheezed over his knees and decided he'd take a minute before popping in to see his long-time nemesis Morgana, since he doubted she'd be welcoming him with cups of tea and plates of scones, so it would be best to catch his breath. He crouched down behind a spectacularly uncomfortable rock and counted sheep for a bit, to pass the time. He was just about to dodder off and go find and apprehend that multi-headed snake creature that was apparently controlling his mind - never a dull day in Camelot - when he heard the creak of a shack door.
A peep out, and he caught sight of two people who could easily win The Rising Sun Tavern's biweekly I Wouldn't Approach Them in a Dark Alley contest. Agravaine was, as usual, clad in so much black leather he practically stunk of suspicion, wearing a terribly sinister, self-satisfied expression, kept making strangling motions with his hands, attracting dark lighting and sullen mood music and was, generally, so blatantly evil that it hurt Merlin's eyes to look at him. It was like looking directly into the sun. The supposedly undercover bad guy in question was in the process of sneaking guiltily out of Morgana's house, but couldn't have been drawing more attention to himself if he'd been trying.
Merlin watched them together with scorn. Never had Agravaine the Aggravating been in such an incriminating position, and, as usual, there was nary an Arthur in sight.
If only there was some way he could prove to Arthur that they'd been here together, then he'd have far less to worry about when all this nasty snake-neck-mind-control-kill-kill-kill business was over…
Just then, as if a clichéd little light bulb had alit above his wizened old head, Merlin grinned, winced for a second as he tried to remember just what it was Geoffrey had been showing him in the library the other day, then held out his hand, and muttered what sounded suspiciously like gibberish.
His eyes flashed a nice, sparkly yellow and before he could say "postprandial" (although, why he might want to say postprandial, I shan't pretend to know) there was a little, black, rectangular thing in his hands.
Merlin tapped the side of the thing cautiously and it made a funny noise. He frowned at it in great concentration, skipped his fingers across it, and then giggled gleefully, reprimanding himself afterwards when Morgana looked up in his direction and narrowed her curiously feline eyes. The pair murmured a few more words to one another in parting, and before Agravaine left, Morgana slipped him something that may or may not have been a party bag, then waved and skulking back inside.
They couldn't have incriminated themselves better if they'd been trying.
"I thought I told you," Merlin began, flouncing into the physician's chambers, an unimpressed expression on his face. "Not to say I'd been in the tavern."
Gaius looked up from his mixing. He had the decency to seem at least a little guilty; although Merlin got the sense he was just putting it on for appearances' sake.
"In fact," Merlin continued, stalking closer and narrowing his eyes. "I distinctly remember saying: anywhere but the tavern."
Gaius shrugged. "I'm a busy man, Merlin. I've got better things to do than come up with excuses for you. Perhaps you should invent your own, if it's so important. In fact, why don't you write a list of acceptable excuses for me?"
"Fine, I will. And of course it's important!" Merlin pulled a face. "Arthur's got me 'learning to be a better servant'.
Gaius laughed at this.
"Well… Not for long."
"I suppose you have some cunning plan up your sleeve."
"I do. I am going to prove to Arthur who the traitor is! Then let's see him call me a bad servant!"
"Merlin, are you sure this is a good idea?"
"Yes! It's fool proof!"
"It can't be," Gaius shook his head.
"Oh, I know, 'I'm involved'. Ha ha. No, this is a really good plan, Gaius. I've uploaded a video onto YouTube of Agravaine and Morgana plotting together. He can't argue with what's right in front of his eyes, can he?"
Merlin was positively beaming, Gaius, however, looked confused.
"Oh it's this website where people from all over the world can upload videos and share them with the world."
Gaius blinked, rose from his bench, and backed away slowly. "I want you to stay here, Merlin."
"Why?" he asked innocently, eyes a-twinkling.
"I'm going to go and Guinevere. Stay calm, Merlin. And whatever you do, don't try and kill anybody."
Gaius jumped. "Err… no. No. No one specific. Just some advice."
"I'll be right back."
"Don't go anywhere."
Gaius backed into the door, grasped the handle, whilst still staring intently at Merlin, who was grinning inanely back. For the longest moment they simply stared at each other, only one of them truly aware of the awkwardness. Then Merlin waved brightly, and Gaius squeaked and ran off out of the door.
After chewing his fingernails for the best part of five seconds, Merlin decided he'd come back and see Gaius later. For now, it was time to put his ingenious plan in action.
Geoffrey of Monmouth peered out from over the screen of his Mac, and rolled his eyes.
"Oh. It's you."
The librarian returned to cataloguing overdue books, most of which were Mills and Boon romances, taken out by one Sir Leon. A series of irritating boop boop boop noises filled the ensuing pause.
"I was wondering if I could borrow your pomcuter?"
"Computer," Geoffrey corrected, without looking up.
"Yeah…" Merlin scratched the back of his head. "Actually, before you answer, I have something for you…" he fumbled in his pocket, and handed over the little black thing.
Geoffrey snatched it off him, practically hissing as he did so. "My iPhone! It was you! Thief!"
"I didn't steal it! It's not stealing if you give it back!"
Geoffrey turned his pointy, pug-like nose up at this, and refrained from commenting.
"Look… It's not for me, it's for Arthur."
At this Geoffrey of Monmouth snapped up out of his chair with a speed that a man roughly the size of an overweight trifle ought not to possess. "You want to inform Arthur of this?"
"Well… It's for the love of Camelot…"
Geoffrey wilted slightly. "But he'll think it's magic!"
"Isn't it?" asked Merlin, poking the screen curiously.
Geoffrey ushered his fingers away. "Of course not! It's technology!"
"Where did you get it from?"
"The future…" answered Geoffrey, mysteriously. Apparently, that was all the explanation Merlin was due on the subject.
The man from Monmouth sighed and sagged back into his chair, resuming his usual potato-like appearance. "If what you have to show Arthur is important for the kingdom, then fine, but this cannot become a regular thing. Having this computer has made logging the books so much easier! And did you know, you can even order rat stew online now?"
"Yeah. There's this place just down the street that'll deliver it for you… Sh! What am I telling you all this for?" He shoved the computer into Merlin's hands sullenly and folded his arms. "Take it! Just take it! Before I change my mind!"
Arthur Pendragon, high king of all Camelot, was lying on his bed, in the middle of the day, doodling.
And he wasn't wearing a shirt.
Merlin entered without knocking.
"Who do think is most likely to be the traitor?" asked Arthur, as soon as he heard footsteps, his eyes, which were crossed slightly with concentration, still on his crude drawing of Guinevere surrounded by flowers, bunnies and rainbows.
Merlin decided that the moment couldn't have been more perfect. "Hmm…" he tapped his chin in mock-thought. "I don't know," he answered, slowly.
"Of course you don't."
Rolling his eyes, Merlin ignored the insult and responded, "Who do you think the traitor is, Sire?" That's good, Merlin, he thought to himself. Make it sound as if you think his opinion is worth listening to.
"I think it's Percy."
"Seriously? Why do you keep picking on Percy! What's he ever done to you except be loyal and rescue children?" demanded Merlin, his temper and well-thought-out plan escaping from him for a minute. "Is it the fact that he doesn't wear sleeves? Because you're one to talk, Mister Bare Chest! And, you know, I never wear any armour at all when we go out fighting people, and I'm not even a trained warrior. Realistically, I should be dead right now, and it doesn't mean there's anything suspicious about me!" Merlin hoped Arthur didn't notice the way his eye twitched when he said that.
Arthur finally looked up, having coloured in his last curl. "You're right, Merlin. You should be dead right now." He managed to make that sound like an accusation.
After a deep breath, Merlin decided he really wanted to know, "What's your problem with Percy?"
"He's just so manly!"
Merlin coughed. "Excuse me?"
"You heard what I said."
"You don't like Percy because you think he's manlier than you? That's adorable."
Arthur pulled a pillow into his chest, ruffled his little blonde locks and scowled. "Why are you here, Merlin?"
"Oh! Yes. I have something very important to show you…"
Several minutes later, and they'd set up the computer with the assistance of a passing guard, who mentioned something about 'it being no bother, he'd once been an OC on the set of The Office, where he'd picked up a few technical bits and bobs'. They hadn't understood that, so they'd let it slide. They did that a lot in Camelot.
"What is this?"
"This is YouTube!" announced Merlin proudly, as the pair of them kneeled on the floor in front of the light-emitting machine.
"What is a YouTube?"
"Stop asking questions, I have something incredibly important to show you!"
"What is TV? And why do we need to 'catch up' on the latest of it?"
"What are you doing now?"
"Searching for the video…"
"You spelt Morgana wrong."
"Well I couldn't concentrate with you constantly asking pointless questions in my ear now, could I?"
"I…" began Arthur, only to be cut off by Merlin.
"Just be quiet for a second, your majesty."
"I don't see why this is going to prove at all helpful…" Arthur grumbled, but nonetheless complied after a glare from Merlin, and shut up.
Throughout the five minutes twenty-five seconds of the video, Merlin's gleeful, and somewhat smug expression (as he no doubt imagined the look on Agravaine's face) quickly collapsed into a look of sheer horror.
The video ended, and YouTube asked if they wanted to replay it. Merlin decided no thank you very much, and even turned the computer off by pressing that big button.
Arthur turned to Merlin, with the word UNIMPRESSED practically stamped across his forehead.
"How exactly did that… that… video prove who Camelot's traitor is?"
"What on earth made you think I wanted to spend five whole minutes of my life watching the doddering old man who killed my father giggle, scratch his beard, and pick his nose?"
"Why did I have a feeling you wouldn't have an answer to that? It's spending all that time at the tavern, Merlin. It's addled your brain. Take this wretched computer thing back to Geoffrey of Monmouth and leave it with him, it's clearly of no use to society, and he likes it a lot. He's been back to check on it seven times already."
Merlin sighed, hauled the computer up with him, and was just about to start mentally berating himself for holding the iPhone the wrong way round when he was rudely interrupted by a jug to the head.
"Sorry Sire!" Gwen apologised profusely, as Merlin hit the floor with a thud, breaking Geoffrey's precious computer in the process. "We got here as soon as we could."
Gaius hung back, nodding, in a slightly gremlin-like manner.
"Merlin is… err… not feeling like himself, today," Gwen explained, flushing, and suddenly feeling the need to pull her dress up at the front. "We need to take him back with us. He hasn't… umm… hurt you, has he?"
Arthur yawned, stepped over the body of his unconscious manservant and the Mac emitting frazzled sparks and wandered towards his bed. "No. Not other than mentally, that is."
"Oh… No reason…" she mumbled, looking flustered, as her face contorted with the physical pain of lying, and she watched Gaius throw Merlin over his shoulder and leg it out of there.
Gwen was just about to follow when Arthur stopped her.
"I drew this for you."
"That's nice. Is that me?"
"I like the bunnies."
"I named them."
Gwen looked frantically over her shoulder at the door, from behind which Gaius was making sounds of distress as he struggled to drag Merlin down the corridor.
"They're called Flopsy, Mopsy, Cottontail and…"
"Arthur, that's lovely, but I really have to go! I'll see you later, okay?"
Without giving the King a chance to respond, she ran off, and left him to mope back to his bed, frowning. Why was Gwen so unwilling to spend time with him? He wondered, as he began doodling again. It was almost definitely Percy. He scowled. Percy and his big, strong, manly arms.
Percy's the traitor.