Author's Notes: Random crackishness. I did my best to keep everyone in something resembling character, but – obviously – they're a bit out of it.

This is exactly how I would have ended the last movie. As such, incorporates Druna, Bellamort, Herminny, and Mrs. Weasley being a bitch.

WARNING: DH pt 2 spoilers.

Starts right at that incredibly awkward hugging moment…



Draco glanced over his shoulder, then, eyes lowered, approached the Dark Lord. The walk seemed impossibly long, yet not nearly long enough. At last he came to stand directly in front of the Voldemort.

Voldemort appraised him for half a second, then leaned forward and embraced Draco.

Draco stiffened, every muscle going tense. He had never felt so unbelievably awkward. He was afraid of moving, so he stood perfectly still until – after what felt like hours, though it could not have been more than a second or two – Voldemort released him.

Over Voldemort's shoulder, Draco could see the expression on his aunt Bellatrix's face – horror, betrayal, fury and misery. He shuddered slightly, then took a deep breath and spoke.

"My Lord," he said, and everyone who had looked away to avoid witnessing the awkward moment that had passed between Draco and the Dark Lord looked back at them.

"What is it, Draco?" Voldemort asked.

Draco took a deep breath, calming his nerves.

"I cannot join you," he said. There was a collective gasp from both the Death Eaters and everyone else.

"Draco!" gasped Narcissa. "Why not?"

"Because…" Draco turned around and looked at the other students. "Because it would be a betrayal of the person who is most important to me."

"But surely–" Lucius began, but Draco ignored him. He strode away from Voldemort, then grabbed the arm of the girl who he had watched with admiration and adoration for two years now.

"Luna Lovegood!" he said loudly, "leave Neville Longbottom! Never meet anyone named Rolf Scamander! Marry me!" He kissed her deeply.

"All right," Luna said dreamily, and they disapparated, leaving the courtyard in a stunned silence.

Bellatrix took the opportunity to rush over to the Dark Lord, draping her arms around his neck. He shoved her away. "Not in public, Bellatrix."

"But you hugged Draco!" Bellatrix complained, pouting and grabbing the Dark Lord's arm. "Why won't you hug me?"

"She does have a point," Hermione commented from the sidelines. "I mean, really, you two are practically canon and I don't believe there has ever been a sizable Voldemort/Draco fandom–"

"Shut up Hermione," Ron told her.

"We'll discuss this later, Bellatrix," Voldemort said.

"Is it because of my teeth? You don't like kissing me because of my teeth? You told me that you liked rotten teeth! Never mind, though, I'll get them fixed up–"

"Um," Harry Potter said, waving his hand slightly to remind the Death Eaters that he was there, "That was… er… could we get on with killing each other?"

"I already bloody killed you! Twice!" Voldemort told Harry. "Why won't you die?"

"Oh for the love of…" Bellatrix pulled a dagger from a scabbard at her hip and hurled it at Harry. It hit him directly in the chest and he fell out of Hagrid's arms and lay on the ground in a puddle of blood. "Happy?"

"No, I am not happy, Bellatrix. We discussed this. I am the one who was supposed to kill Harry Potter!"

"But you couldn't do it!"

"Silence!" Voldemort looked around at his followers and his opponents. "Well, since Bellatrix has – against my orders, unfortunately, but still – killed Harry Potter, and this time he shall not be coming back to life, do any of you have anything you wish to say before I kill you all?"

"Yes," said Hermione suddenly, drawing herself up to her full height. "Before I die, I would like to say… that I was never in love with Harry, and not with Ron, and most certainly not with Draco!"

"That's utterly irrele–"

"I have always been madly in love with someone I knew I could never have… because their family would never allow it!" Hermione looked dramatically over her shoulder.

There was a pause while everyone tried to work out who she was looking at. Molly Weasley was the first to get it.

"Oh, not my daughter. You bitch!"

"Yes." Hermione strode over to Ginny, who looked more surprised than she had in the past three years. "Ginerva Weasley, will you–"

"No she will not! I forbid it!" cried Mrs. Weasley.

"But Mother–" whined Ginny.

"Would you please discuss your daughter's choice in life partners at some later time?" Voldemort asked, growing impatient. "Does anyone else have anything they wish to say?"

"I do," said a man timidly stepping out of the Death Eater ranks. "Could I have my wife back, please?"

"Do I know you from somewhere?" Bellatrix asked, tilting her head.

"Yes. Our wedding. I'm your husband, remember?"

"Oh, go away, Rodolphus," Voldemort ordered. "Go sleep with your brother, or with Narcissa, or… someone else. Does anyone have anything relevant that they wish to say before they die? No? Good!"

With that, Voldemort aimed his wand at the Order of the Phoenix and uttered a series of curses.

Everyone died.

The end.