Warnings: Mentions of menstruation and tampons.
The next morning they picked up the vehicle they would use during the stay there. The moment Grimmjow had lain eyes on the plain black van with tinted windows had called it a 'turd on wheels'. Nonetheless none of them could complain about their mission. It was already easy enough to drive to every place in a labeled map in the glove compartment to take the needed samples as well as buying the things Aizen had 'requested' on a long list, but that would have to come after their tasks for the morning.
Yuima did all the driving, which sucked for her. She hated driving, not because it had been a long time since she'd had to do that, but because she hated having to wheel around traffic. It was much better to sonido through crowds and whiz over sidewalks, and hopping over buildings. It was irritating to pretend being human and laying low.
They took measurements in two of the areas specified. All she had to do to take reishi samples was spray a special solution in the atmosphere and use a suctioning jar to draw the florescent air in. It had taken them two hours to take proper measurements and samples, mostly because traffic getting to those places had slowed them down.
Then came a problem she hadn't thought of.
Taking the Arrancars with her to the mall to buy supplies for Las Noches. She had forgotten that they barely knew how to act around humans and as soon as they had all walked through the automatic glass doors of the gigantic shopping complex, everything started spiraling downwards. Grimmjow's foul mouth and threatening attitude was the one that out-won the others.
"You keep looking at me like that and I'll kick you so hard up the ass, my foot will be fucking your brain."
A feminine squeak and whimper was heard followed by quick scampering on the isle behind her.
Goddamn it! What happened now?
They were now in the general department store area and the lists she had had been so vast that she had felt that it was necessary to separate them all into two-people groups, which left her on her own to buy the food.
Annoyed over hearing Grimmjow acting so immaturely for the millionth time since going inside the multi-floored store, she wheeled her cart angrily and noisily down to isle then took a sharp turn on the one in which he was standing next to a laughing Illfort. Stopping abruptly behind them, she snapped, "For fuck's sakes what did those girls do to you?"
He looked over his shoulder coldly, "They stared at me like I was a freak."
Is he sure that's the reason why?
Ever since they had gone out in day-lit public, girls had been practically stalking them to every store. Eventually she had gotten sick of it and took them to the department store to buy everything in just one place.
"You're fucking paranoid", she growled and then noticed that the cart they had taken with them was empty.
And they're not doing shit!
"Why is your cart empty?" her voice held a dangerous 'don't fuck with me' tone.
He smirked and Illfort appeared to have paled a couple of shades.
"I don't know half the shit on this list", to emphasize he dangled the wrinkled paper mockingly.
This is like dealing with a little kid.
Grinding her molars so hard they could crack, she stomped over to him and snatched the note from his fingers as he 'Tsched' at her.
Looking over the note she saw:
"You have to be fucking kidding me, Grimmjow!" she half shouted, glaring up at him. "It's tea! Not a freaking nuclear bomb recipe!"
He shrugged at that, though his eyes flashed at her tone and Illfort started to back away from them.
"Shit!" she was sure that she was on PMS. It had been a long time since she had been so mad.
Since there was no specifics on the tea that happened to be on that isle, she rammed her cart against their empty one, headed to the shelf filled with an large assortment of teas and with one arm, knocked all of them into her cart.
"See? Not that friggin' hard!" some snickers came from behind her and she swirled around to glare at the blue-haired pain in the ass that found her fit amusing.
"You are damned high-strung today, ain't you?" he asked, wearing a half-smile that showed his eyeteeth. He had never looked so much like a cat until that moment.
"Asshole," she muttered under her breath only to hear some wild scrambling at the other end of the isle. Snapping her eyes in that direction, she saw D-Roy and Edrad rushing to her with their note. They looked as if they had seen Satan himself.
Lemme guess… they don't 'know' either.
When they stopped at the end of her cart, D-Roy was the first to speak, holding out his note, "We went over to that isle to get those pregnancy tests-
"PREGNANCY TESTS?" This was starting to give her the mother of all migraines. Shocked shitless by the fact that their note had specified that, she took it from the traumatized looking D-Roy and eyed it to make sure he wasn't messing with her hearing.
60 Pregnancy Tests Was at the top of their list.
"Who in their right mind would want so many pregnancy tests? It's pointless", she mused to herself.
"Szayel was the one that asked for them," Illfort said from behind her and she looked his way.
"Huh? Did he suddenly grow a nymphomaniac over-ovulating vagina overnight or something?" she made a face.
The blonde snorted and smirked at her comment, "He doesn't need to grow something that he already has." That comment was followed by snickering from all of the males.
Shaking her head with her eyes back on the note, she asked to no one in particular, "What was wrong with that isle then?"
"There were a bunch of chicks there-
"Oh, man!" she grimaced, slapping a hand to her forehead.
I'll have to get everything myself!
"Grimmjow?" she said tiredly.
"What?" his reply sounded sharply annoyed.
"Bring your cart."
"Huh? You can't expect me to be carrying around a bunch of piss-sticks!"
Gritting in fury, she glowered at him evilly making him close his mouth immediately and all of the men stood stock still as she said her next words.
"First of all, how the heck do you know what a pregnancy test is if you don't even know what a fucking tea-box looks like? And second of all, stop being so damned lazy and do your job!"
His eyes widened, then narrowed at her audacity. The tension was so thick in the store that even a knife couldn't cut through it.
"I know a lot more shit than you think and I'm not doing this stupid crap because I don't feel like doing anything for Aizen," those words had come out through his teeth.
Breathing in deeply through her nose, she closed her eyes and counted to ten before asking nicely and with dripping sarcasm, "Oh, great powerful Jagguerjaques, would you do me the great honorof taking your oh-so-empty cart to the feminine products isle as I obtain the last things we need?"
"I don't think I like your tone, so I'm. Not. Moving."
Her eyes snapped open and nailed him like sharp knives, but the arrogant bastard didn't show any fear like the other males.
"I'm asking you nicely."
A muscle twitched on his cheek before he looked pointedly at Illfort.
"Push the damn thing to where she says."
The long-haired blonde didn't argue as he put his hands on the handles of the cart, ready for her to lead the way.
Knowing that there was nothing she could do to convince Grimmjow to do as he was told, even though she was his superior, she huffed out a breath, and pushed her own loaded cart, followed by the group of men. She only hoped that Shawlong and Nakeem had been more efficient in getting the stuff on their own to-do-list.
Using the overhead signs above the isles as a guide to where she needed to go, they all eventually ended up in the pharmacy section of the store. On the infamous isle that had D-Roy and Edrad so flustered was an already loaded cart, full up to the rim of with large baby blue and pink cardboard boxes.
Tossing at look at the ones that had probably left the thing there in a rush, she asked dryly, "Yours?"
"Yeah", Edrad was the one to answer, looking a little embarrassed. "When the females saw us shoving all of those boxes they started…" a blush stained his dark cheeks.
"They laughed at us", D-Roy finished meekly which was odd.
Walking over to the cart, she curiously picked one of the boxes to see if they at least had gotten the right thing. She had to read it twice to see if her eyes needed to be fixed.
Super-Absorbency for all-night protection against leakage.
Rose scented to prevent smells.
For adults with urinary—
Her eyes grew wide and two single tears popped out of their corners as she reared her head back and burst out laughing, making all of the confused men jump in surprise.
"A-A-ADULT DIAPERS!" she howled through the riot of laughter as her face grew red from lack of oxygen. Holding a hand to her belly that had begun to ache from laughing so hard, she began to snort repeatedly through her nose as she read the box again. Merely imagining the two Arrancars messily shoving the whole shelf-load of 'Depends' inside their shopping cart as a group of stupefied females watched had her doubling over in coughs and wheezes while still having a death grip on the pink box she had picked up.
"THEY MUST HAVE-", she drew in a loud long wheezing breath to continue, "THOUGHT THAT YOU GUYS PISS A LOT AND WERE IN A HURRY TO GO HOME FOR A NAP!"
Unable to stand up much longer, she fell on her knees, managing to keep the hand holding the box inside the cart.
"Get a fucking grip," Grimmjow said boredly.
Sniffing loudly, she glared up at him for not seeing anything funny about what his men had just done in public. However, as much as it annoyed her, his words had a sobering effect as she rose to her feet, tossed in the large diaper box and began to search for the pregnancy tests muttering 'Damned cat' under her breath.
Finding one, she displayed it to the solemn men, "This is a pregnancy test, men".
They all nodded, still unwilling to enter the isle, preferring to stand outside watching her get the stuff. She had to really had it to Edrad and D-Roy for actually having balls to enter such a taboo area of the department store. Men wouldn't be caught dead in there.
Pussies, the lot of them.
"Hey, Yuima-san," she looked at Illfort that had gathered up some courage and now held a small pink box that he had already opened to her gaping dismay, "what're these things?" In his hand he held a pink flowered plastic-wrapped tampon, super-sized and scented no less.
Feeling heat crawl up her face, she could barely even squeak as he unwrapped the thing, pulled out the pearly-pink tube and sniffed it.
Another chorus of snorts broke out of her. Grimmjow and his group acted like Martians!
"What?" he looked at her in confusion. "It smells all flowery and shit."
These guys crack me up!
"It-it's…", she cleared her throat loudly since they were all looking at her as if shewas the one with a problem. "It's a… tampon."
"The fuck's a tampon?" Grimmjow asked, eyeing the thing but not going anywhere near to touch it, much less smell it.
How do I explain this?
"It's a thi-thing that girls use to absorb menstrual blood."
"Menstrual blood?" he made a face, clearly not understanding.
I forgot, Arrancar females aren't fertile so therefore menstruation doesn't exist for them.
"Um, once a month, human females and of course shinigami," and Sombras, she quietly added in her mind, "bleed from their vaginas-
Illfort threw the thing so far that it landed on the opposite end of the isle as Edrad and D-Roy burst out laughing.
"Be careful what you grab in this area of the pharmacy boys!" a laughing Yuima wagged her finger at them while the two laughing Arrancars kept howling. "You don't want to know what half of this stuff is for!"
This is going to be one long ass day.
This is an excerpt from my Grimm/OC fic Love, Hate and Something In Between. It's one of the rare funny scenes in that fic since that story does touch rather sensitive subjects such as abortion, rape, murder and so on. Expect this quote...'oneshot' to just be funny (my reviewers in AFF particularly liked this part).