A somewhat silly short story about Sirius trying to prove that dogs are better than stags to James. Nothing really happens, except that Sirius' more insane side is revealed to the world.
A Thousand and One Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Than Stags (Who Are Herbivores, Please Note)
My best friend is under the impression that stags- herbivorous, antliferous, plant-eating herbivores- are better than dogs. Really. And I mean, James isn't stupid. He's actually quite smart, considering the size of his brain (I think it's been shrunk over time…we did x-rays in muggle-studies and we couldn't even SEE his brain. Therefore, it obviously doesn't exist).
I decided to prove him wrong.
Now James, being athletic, tall, and not naturally a herbivore, is quite strong. Not that he can beat me in an arm-wrestle…I'm really a lot stronger than he is. That time he beat me three times in row does NOT need to be discussed. I hadn't eaten lunch yet, I'm a growing boy, how am I supposed to perform my best when I haven't had my daily fill? It's just not possible.
Getting back to the point, James might, just might, be a little bit stronger than I am. On a good day, that is. So I couldn't take any chances. I had to find his weakness. I did try distracting him from his lunch, but I found that near impossible. Do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a sixteen-year-old boy away from his food? It can't be done. Of course, the fact that I was holding my own sandwich may not have helped matters, but even so. I couldn't go without food, that would make the whole exercise pointless.
So the food technique was a flop.
I decided to move onto the bigger, better, and prettier matters. (Technically Lily is not big, she's actually fairly short, not that she'd ever say so. She thinks she's very tall and whenever I remind her that there are lots of second years taller than she is, she reminds me that she's much better at charms than I am, which could count as a threat if I ever wanted to take her to court. Why this would happen I don't know. But it's true.) Maybe if I took her hostage James would admit that I was right all along, that he was wrong all along, and, just to finish it all off, that he would give me his cleansweep 2. The broomstick part was optional but it seemed like a pretty good idea to me.
James was at Quidditch practise three nights a week, which meant that three nights a week I would have the chance to kidnap Lily Evans. I found that it was surprisingly difficult to kidnap a sixteen-year-old girl. I also found that I do not know how to use lassos, shielding charms, and that I am not at all secretive or sneaky.
It came as quite a shock. I had always imagined that I'd be like one of those cowboy guys from those muggle movies, you know? And I was sure I had the art of creeping like a cat down to a tee, but I guess this would be a tricky art to master, considering that I'm actually a large, playful, altogether adorable doggy.
I got over it, though.
As I was watching Lily sitting by the fire one Tuesday night, doing her charms homework, (me being very detective like and not at all obvious), it occurred to me that she was going to be rather difficult to catch. James always did say she was smart, but I had figured that if she was dumb enough to kiss James Potter without disinfecting herself afterwards (you could never tell what he'd been eating---or what we'd been feeding him) then she wouldn't be able to get herself out of a lasso. Of course, she didn't have to get herself out of the lasso since I never managed to get it on her, but if I had then she probably would have escaped anyway.
Although, come to think of it, I don't know if she does disinfect herself afterwards.
You never know.
Back to my ingenious plan on how to prove that dogs are most certainly better than herbivorous, antliferous plant-eating stags.
I can see what James sees in her. She's quite pretty, in a strange, lily sort of way, if you know what I mean. But she's not really my type. Well, she might have been my type, if I'd managed to get my paws on her first, but James got there before me and I have to admit that they do make a very nice couple. She has an odd, sixth sense about her, as though she can always see who's behind her and what they are doing. It's uncanny. I suppose it could just be that she has very good and very precise hearing, but I am an adventurous dog and an Aries besides that. I have no idea if this means anything as I pay no attention in astronomy, but it gives me an excuse and that's perfectly fine with me. I am also just a teensy bit jealous that James has been so close to her because I like her eyes and he's seen them from an alarmingly close perspective.
Anyway, I walked up to her in a casual, I'm-not-about-to-kidnap-you way, and tapped her on the shoulder lightly, just to prove that I wasn't going to kidnap her or anything even remotely close.
Although I was feeling unusually jumpy when I tapped her so it might have felt a bit more like a whack. I hoped she'd think this was just because I'd had too many butterbeers the night before and was suffering from a hangover, not that I was about to tie her up and take her hostage. Or maybe just drag her off politely, seeing as she might not appreciate being tied up. I didn't want to provoke her or anything.
'Oops. Hello, Lily.' I sat on the edge of her armchair very casually and nonchalantly.
'Hullo, Sirius…have you seen James?' She placed her book aside.
'He's, uh, busy, at, uh, Quidditch.' Which was the truth. Not only was I a clever lily-napper, I was an honest lily-napper.
'Oh. What d'you want then?' Which possibly wasn't the most polite question she could have me, now that I think about it. Perhaps she was still grumpy at me for drenching her in a shrinking solution. I personally wouldn't mind being as small as an elf. You would get a whole new perspective on the world. Besides, Madame Pomfrey changed her back in a minute.
'Oh, I, uh…want to go for a walk?'
I suppose that technically I was not lily-napping her, seeing as she agreed to go along with me, but nobody really cares about technicalities anyway.
It's very hard not to be jealous of James when he has an extremely cute girlfriend. She's not the kind of girl you drool at on the street (dogs have amazing amounts of saliva) but after a little while she just grows on you. Unfortunately she grew on James, but me and Remus are practising being the best boyfriend only not on a romantic level a girl can possibly have, until we find our own Lily. There aren't a lot of them around, so planning to keep Lily hostage was an unbelievably clever plan on my part.
'Sirius? Where are we going?' She appeared to be getting rather restless.
'Nowhere really…' That also was the truth.
'Where nowhere, exactly?'
'Are you always this cryptic?'
Of course, it all turned out to be a bit of a waste. Before I could even tie her up James appeared, and it's a terribly icky job, trying to separate the two of them. Although they weren't kissing. But I just couldn't gag Lily in front of James, it was too impolite.
Naturally, I'm a polite person.
'Sirius, what is wrong?' James was looking at me in a very peculiar manner. Almost as though I was sick. Or coming down with something. I suppose I was feeling crushed.
'Oh. Nothing.' Another great plan, down the drain. How very, very unfair. It would have worked, if only stupid James hadn't turned up when he did. I would have received the ransom, heck; I could have even won a few galleons along with the rest of it…
Life is just so cruel sometimes.
I needed another plan. Possibly a truth potion? That could work…but it would be maybe a little too mean, giving a truth potion to my bestest buddy. Because James IS a very nice person, if a little obsessed with Lily but that's only natural. Besides, it's not like he showers her with flowers. Well, I hope he doesn't because that would just be very sickening and I refuse to even find out if he does that.
I seriously hope he doesn't.
But a truth potion. It would be difficult. I would need our map, the invisibility cloak and my wits. Not that my wits would be hard to find, since they're generally always with me, but they would be a useful tool in case I (somehow) managed to forget them.
Maybe also a few biscuits. The house-elves in the kitchens make lovely, quite scrumptious biscuits and I would need to have my energy levels way up, because sneaking into the potion masters office at night would be practically a life or death situation, and that was what I was planning to do.
Actually, James and I made some really delicious biscuits last summer when he was over at my house, but I don't know how we'd make them again, seeing as there are no ovens in our dorm or anything. No one else really liked them, though. I didn't mind. All the more for me.
Anyway. I was just planning my daring and amazing plot [or was I plotting my daring and amazing plan?] when a thought popped into my brain. For I do have a brain. And this thought that entered my brain was something like 'what if James thinks that Stags are better than Dogs?'
It was entirely possible. If that's what James thought then all this plotting, all this time I had so generously used up to prove my point right [because it was right] would have gone to waste because that is what James would tell me and my finding a truth potion would all be for nothing.
How very, very depressing. What I needed was another brain. Because as we all know, two brains are better than one.
There was only one person who I could possibly talk to.
'Moony? Moony? What are you doing in there?' I rapped on the door of the bathroom. He had been in there for hours. No one can spend that long in the toilet. Except, clearly, for him.
'Homework,' came a muffled reply.
My mind was quite naturally confused. A normal person does their homework down in the common room or in their dorm. Generally not in the bathroom. That was not the done thing, but then, times were a changing.
'If you don't mind me asking,' I said, and rather nicely if I do say so myself, 'why are you doing your homework in there?'
'No particular reason,' he answered.
'Well then. D'you mind if I perhaps come in there and join you?'
'I suppose not.'
The lock on the door clicked open and I peered inside. Sitting on the tiled floor upon a bath mat sat Remus, with his books piled up around the floor and a few rolls of parchment spread in front of him, ink spots dotting the tiles. I sat down cross-legged next to him, and peered at his work.
'Er- Moony, old pal, why exactly are you in here?'
He looked up at me, his brown eyes quite frank, if eyes can be frank. 'Well- it's so hard to concentrate down there. You were bouncing that toad all over the place, the first years were all yelling and James and Lily were throwing that cushion at each other.' Remus gestured to a large smudge on his parchment 'it kept hitting me, see? So I thought 'where can I get some of this get done?' and the first thing that came to my mind was the bathroom. So I came here.'
'And have you got lots of stuff done?' I said, adding as an after thought 'sorry about the toad thing.'
'S'okay. Yeah. I got that whole essay for McGonagall done.'
'Really? Can I copy it, I'm really busy right now and I can't figure it-'
'Padfoot. What d'you want?' He said, quite bluntly when it comes down to it.
'Ah. What do I want? You know, I'm not exactly sure what it is that I want, but I do know that the canine species are undoubtably better than that ridiculous breed known commonly as herbivores. Would you not agree?'
Remus blinked, registering what I had said, and then nodded slowly. 'Naturally, yes. But why are you so bothered by this?'
'Oh, I'm not bothered. But James thinks that stags are better than dogs, and, well, I must prove him right. I must. I cannot leave him thinking this for too long- who knows, he may pass him opinion on to other innocent folk.'
'Sirius…James is entitled to his opinion.'
'Not when it's wrong!' I protested, aghast. Here was Moony, supreme dog of Hogwarts-apart from me, not even standing up for his own right as a dog!
'Padfoot, I really need to do this,' he said, indicating to the parchment in front of him. 'Sorry,' he added after a moment, looking up at me with his brown eyes, doing that stupid puppy-werewolf look which made it impossible to throw a jar of bath salts at him without feeling somewhat guilty.
'I suppose I shall be able to forgive you.' I said loftily. 'One day, in the far off future, and not before that. But yes. One day you shall be forgiven.'
He smiled. 'I'm glad of that.'
'Of course you are... Are you saying I should just give up on this crusade?'
He looked thoughtful. 'It has been going on for just a little too long, don't you think?'
'Whatever do you mean?' I asked, feeling a little put-out- had I not been secretive?
'Lily got a little un-nerved at your attempted kid-nap, and you're all defensive whenever James says anything at all about dogs, or about stags, and you snap his head off about absolutely everything. We all know you're insane, you don't have to prove it.'
'But if you really, really want to prove it-'
'No, no, it's fine.'
'It is?' He looked a bit taken aback, but pleased nonetheless.
'Yes.' I tried to look haughty.
'And you'll just let James continue thinking absurd thoughts about stags?' He asked doubtfully.
I paused. 'Yes.'
'Well done, Padfoot! This is a learning curve for you, I'm sure that-'
'Yes. Well, I really had better get back to work…'
'It's fine,' I said nonchalantly. 'Go back to your work, I care not… I'll see you later then.'
I wandered out, depressed. My talk with Moony hadn't exactly gone according to plan. He was a disgrace to the name of canine, why, he was just a disgrace. Damn him.
I entered the common room, somewhat melancholy.
I looked up, only to see James grinning at me. I scowled and his grin faded.
'You,' I said, 'are a menace to society.'
He blinked. 'I am?'
'Yes. You are.'
'Ah. Want to play chess?'
No plot, no nothing, really. Just something that I wrote. Hurrah.
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