I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I know I should be working on my other stories but the plot bunnies keep hopping around in my head and their breeding like. . .well, rabbits really.

Anyway, I know things like this have been done before, you know "Bella knows about the Cullen's before going to Forks" But I thought I would try it from the angle that Bella wrote the Twilight Saga in her journal, from dreams, rather than someone else sending her the books.

Well let me know what you think.

All quotes from Twilight Saga in italics and property of SM.

Chapter 1

"Can you do it again?" he wondered.

I grimaced, "it's very difficult."

He waited, his expression eager.

"I can't keep it up if I'm even the slightest bit distracted," I warned him

"I'll be good," he promised.

I pursed my lips, my eyes narrowing. Then I smiled.

I pressed my hands to his face again, hefted the shield right out of my mind, and then started in where I'd left off - with the crystal clear memory of the first night of my new life. . .lingering on the details.

I laughed breathlessly when his urgent kiss interrupted my efforts again.

"Damn it," he growled, kissing hungrily down the edge of my jaw.

"We have plenty of time to work on it," I reminded him.

"Forever and forever and forever," her murmured.

"That sounds exactly right to me."

And then we continued blissfully into this small but perfect piece of our forever.

I placed my journal on my bedside table, buried my head in my pillow and let my sorrow consume me, my exhausted body shook with the sobs that I could no longer contain. It was three thirty in the morning and the dark shadows under my eyes and my exhaustion were testament to my lack of sleep. Almost every single night for the last three and a half months I've awoken in the middle of the night breathless and sweaty, covers tangled around my limbs and that nights dream still vividly etched in my mind. The first night I'd tried desperately to fall back to sleep, but after tossing and turning for over an hour I gave up and mindlessly pulled out my journal and wrote down my dream word for word.

A car journey through the rising heat of Phoenix. Saying goodbye to my mom at the airport. Saying hello to my dad at the other end. Another car journey - this time through the rain to my new home in Forks. My new truck. A sleepless night of wind, rain and tears. My first day at Forks High School. New friends. Five inhumanly beautiful student in the cafeteria - the Cullen's, not eating, not talking. Biology. The hostile, furious, coal black eyes of the most beautiful boy I'd ever seen. A walk to the office. An instant thrill of genuine fear.

"Never mind then, I can see it's impossible. Thank you so much for your help,"

Edward.

It's been one hundred and twenty days since I had picked up the phone and asked my dad, Charlie, if I could come and stay with him in the small rainy town of Forks, Washington, to finish out my high school career, while my mom goes on the road with her new husband Phil. One hundred and seventeen of those I have spent living out two years of my life every night in my sleep, each and every dream, given the gift of immortality when I put pen to paper.

Our first conversation. The first time he saved my life. An invitation to Seattle. My first trip in his car. A trip to the beach and stories of the Cold One. Putting the pieces together. The second time he saved my life. The Truth - he was a vampire. Relentless questions. Billy Black. The meadow. My blood.

"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb."

Edward.

Our first night together. Meeting the Cullens. Carlisle's life. Baseball. James, Laurent, Victoria. Leaving Forks, Phoenix, A phone call, A ballet studio. His voice - the third time he saved my life. Waking in the hospital. Prom.

"Yes, it is enough, enough for forever."

Edward.

My heart ached, my throat was raw, my body shook, I pulled the covers up over my head - and the tears continued.

A nightmare, I was eighteen, he never would be. A party. A paper cut. An attack. Stitches. Numb. Distance. The end.

"It will be as if I never existed."

Edward.

I wrapped my arms around myself, in a vain attempt to keep myself together as the hole in my chest expanded painfully, the hole that had closed seventy two days ago - and the tears continued.

October. November. December. January.

Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me.

Waking up. A hole. A zombie. Port Angeles - his voice. Motorcycles. Jacob. His house. Adrenaline - his voice. A date. Mono. The meadow. Laurent - his voice. The wolves. Victoria. Protection. A cliff - his voice. Drowning. A rescue. A death. Paris - his voice. Alice. A funeral. A call. A race. Him. The Volturi. Going home. The Truth.

"Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars - points of light and reason. . .And the you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything."

Edward.

A grounding. A Vote. Five yes'. One no. A broken TV. A condition. A proposal. A gasp. A lost sole, found.

"Amazing. Carlisle was right."

Edward.

Back to normal. Jacob. The treaty.

"I'm here."

Edward.

Edward.

Edward.

Where are you? I need you, I can't breath, it hurts - and the tears continued.

Jacob. A ultimatum. An acceptance. Florida. Jacob. Victoria. An apology. A hunting trip. A note.

"I'll be back so soon you won't have time to miss me. Look after my heart — I've left it with you."

Edward.

A day off work. Jacob. An imprint. A flight. A kidnapping. An Escape. Jacob. A harsh word. A new bed. Rosalie. His return. A leg hitch. An intruder. Jacob. Forgiveness. A bonfire. Stories. A deadline. A kiss. A punch. A broken hand. A newborn army. Jasper. Graduation. A party. Their coming to Forks. An alliance. Training the wolves. Stay with me. A night alone. A need. A Diamond heart. A bed. A chance. A compromise. A proposal.

"Isabella Swan? I promise to love you forever — every single day of forever. Will you marry me?"

Edward.

A Yes. A hike. A tent. A conversation. Overheard. Jacob. A kiss. I love you. A monster. Forgiveness. Victoria. A flight. An injury. Jacob. The Volturi. A decision. An Eclipse. Tears. The Meadow.

"We're doing this your way. Because my way doesn't work. I call you stubborn, but look at what I've done. I've clung with such idiotic obstinacy to my idea of what's best for you, though it's only hurt you. Hurt you so deeply, time and time again. I don't trust myself anymore. You can have happiness your way. My way is always wrong."

Edward.

I love you.

Mistake, after mistake. I shuddered. I hurt him time and time again. He called me selfless, yet I was the most selfish person on earth. He thought of me constantly and I threw it back in his face at every turn. The sun was rising, my knuckles ached from the grip on my pillow, my heart still ached - and the tears continued.

Edward.

I miss you.

I'm sorry.

A new car. My missing mechanic. An engagement. Charlie. Renee. A long night. Immortal Children. The big day. Nerves. Excitement. The stairs. The Flowers. The Aisle. Him.

"I do."

Edward.

A husband. A wife. A party. A dance. Jacob. A threat. A drive. A flight. Isle Esme. A midnight swim. A first time. Feathers. Bruise. Him.

"Look at yourself, Bella. Then tell me I'm not a monster."

Edward.

Oh, Edward.

Distraction, Eggs. A dream. A need. A new headboard. Vertigo. A green eyed boy. Too hot. A hunting trip. Chicken. Sickness. Him.

"Bella, what's wrong?"

Edward.

Late. A bump. A movement. An explanation. Can vampires go into shock? A phone call. Carlisle. Suspicions Confirmed. Pregnant. A tornado. Nudger. Him.

"We're going to get that thing out before it can hurt and part of you. Don't be scared. I won't let it hurt you."

Edward.

A cleaning crew. Morte. Rosalie. A flight. Protection. Arguments. Refusal. Swelling. Bruise. Jacob. An offer. A flat out refusal. Sickness. The Pack. Nudger. Sickness. Broken bones. Blood. Him.

"The f - It. . .The baby likes the sound of your voice."

Edward.

More blood. A toilet break. Tearing. The pain. Ribs, pelvise, spine. . .broken. The baby. Get him out. The flight. The Blackness. Him.

"Renesmee."

Edward.

Beauty. Burning. Paralysis. Holding on. Voices. Alice. Him. Waking up. Reflection. Red eyes. First hunt. Jacob. Imprint. Renesmee. An Attack. Gifted. Growing. Worries. Another new car. The cottage. Making love. . .all night. Travel Plans. Visions. Abandoned. Clues. Guests. J Jenks. Training. Secrets. Snow on the Grown. The camp site. The Volturi. Introductions. The shield. Excuses. Goodbyes. Attack. Defense. Surprise. Confirmation. Their return. Nahuel. Defeated. Retreat. Celebrations. cottage. Alone. Him.

"Forever and forever and forever."

Edward.

Please come back.

The sun was high in the sky, I could hear my mom moving around, I knew I had to get up, I had a plane to catch. But I couldn't, because my heart still ached, the hole was still throbbing, my knuckles were white and stiff, my body still shook - and the tears continued.

He was gone.

Edward.

It's been three nights.

Edward.

The dreams had stopped.

Edward.

And I some how knew that this time, he wouldn't be back.

Edward.

All I had left of him, were the over read words on the tattered pages of my journal.

Edward.

And the empty hole in my heart where he should be.

Edward.

But I was alone.

Edward.

He isn't real.

Edward

A dream.

Edward

Gone.

"Forever and forever and forever."

Edward.

I love you.

I miss you.

I need you.

Come back.

Edward.

Please.