"It's so weird now that Leonard and Sheldon are a couple. Remember how the used to fight like cats and dogs? Now they can just hold hands and talk things out with mutual love and respect."
"What was that, Penny?" Howard yelled, "I can't hear you over the yelling!"
"Today is and always has been Halo night!" snapped Sheldon.
"Because you declared it Halo night and we all worked around you," retorted Leonard, "For six years! You can be flexible once in a while!"
"That is a lie and you know it, Leonard Hofstadter!"
Penny had suggested they go to a bar for Rock Band night. They liked Rock Band, she liked drinking, what could be better? She should have known. She'd been hoping some regular nookie would calm Sheldon down and in some ways it had, he was a little less twitchy, a little less germaphobic. On the other hand, he was even more bossy. Raj's theory (as told by Howard) was Sheldon was insecure about being in his first romantic relationship and needed to feel he still had control over something, ie his friends. Howard's theory was that Leonard "wasn't doing it right". Amy Farrah Fowler was certain penis size was a factor. Bernadette felt Sheldon was trying to maintain his feeling of being the dominant figure in his relationship with Leonard. Leonard thought Sheldon was a "fucking nutcase". Penny thought Sheldon had probably done enough changing in the past few weeks to last him a year. She was sympathetic but she was also craving a margarita.
"Sheldon, if you want to, you can stay behind," she said in an authoritative voice, "but we are going to Rock Band night and if you aren't there, we will form a band called 'Sheldon Cooper's Bifurcated Uvula' and when we win the trophy, that trophy will be inscribed with 'Sheldon Cooper's Bifurcated Uvula' for everyone to see."
Sheldon turned accusing eyes on Leonard, "You told her!"
"No one had to tell me, Sheldon, I've seen you yawn!"
Of course, Leonard told her.
There were only female bartenders so Raj had to whisper an order to Howard who repeated it to Penny who got their drinks. He really needed to learn to talk to women. He should be able to talk to Penny by now. She was practically "one of the guys" as the saying went and yet the idea of speaking in front of her without at least a thin barrier of intoxication between them was still terrifying.
One margarita later, he was on stage (shirtless) wailing Blondie's "Call Me" in falsetto while grinding his hips for some screaming ladies (lead by their 'hype woman', Penny). Penny gave him a kiss on the cheek as they accepted their "Crowd Favorite" trophy. He responded by tucking her head under his arm and giving her congratulatory noogies.
"Penny is a really good 'hype man'...'hype girl'?... 'hype person'?..."
"Oh my cow, dude, I have no idea what you are talking about," Raj yelled into his ear as he half dragged his Indian companion up the stairs to his apartment. Raj had hit the girlie drinks pretty hard.
"How Penny got all those girls screaming for you..."
"I got all those girls screaming for me! With my sexy bod and my sexy voice..."
"And ripping off your sexy sweater vest. Yeah. You're a chick magnet."
Raj laughed hysterically and leaned even more heavily on Howard. He had refused to put his shirt back on saying his skin needed to breath. Howard was beginning to feel awkward about the situation. Raj hadn't even tried to hook up with one of his screaming fans, he just spent the evening leaning on Howard, knocking back drinks with tiny umbrellas and talking about what a ladies' man he had become. Howard had pointed out a ladies' man should probably try talking to some ladies which led Raj to give him a sad look and ask, "Are you trying to get rid of me?"
He had been trying to do just that so he could talk to some girls fresh from their Rock Band victory but instead he stayed at the table with Raj's head on his shoulder.
Howard unlocked the door and dragged the taller man to the bedroom.
"Do you think Leonard and Sheldon are doing it right now?"
Howard rolled his eyes, "How would I know? Probably... although it is past Sheldon's bed time."
"I can't believe they're doing it."
"I can't believe Sheldon's 'doing it' with anyone. I was really starting to think my mitosis theory was going to win me twenty bucks..."
"Sheldon did it with you."
"And I still don't believe that happened."
"Was it good?"
Howard lowered Raj onto his bed and started pulling off his shoes, "I don't think we should talk about that."
"Why? You tell me everything."
"Yeah, but most of that is made up."
"Did you like it?" Raj's voice was low and his eyes were completely black in the low lighting. Howard couldn't think of an answer.
Raj was pulling him by the arms towards the bed and repeated, "Did you like it? Would you do it again?"
Howard tried to resist but in his drunker ardor, Raj pulled him off balance and on to the bed. On top of Raj.
"Oh my, look at the time. I'd better get going..." Howard tried to climb off his half naked friend but Raj held him tight.
Raj reached up to close the space between them and kissed him.
"Raj," he tried to keep his tone light but his throat was closing, "you have had waaaaay to much to drink."
"I like you, Howard."
"I like you, too, Raj. You are my best friend and that's why I need to leave."
"Just try it with me once, I won't ask again..."
Howard dropped his head into the dark skinned shoulder and tried to imagine his mother's voice as his conscience told him all the reasons he needed to leave.YouwannahavesexwiththatIndianboyafterhe'sbeendrinking?WhatkindofboyhaveIraised?Areyoutryingtokillyourmother?WhatareyouDonJuanallofasudden?
Raj was still talking, "I won't have the nerve to ask again. I'm always afraid..."
"I thought you liked girls."
"You know I don't like girls. I want to like girls, I try to like girls and with enough to drink I can be with a girl..." Raj's voice trailed off as he began kissing Howard along the jawline.
What he was saying wasn't that surprising, the fact that he was finally saying it out loud was simply astonishing. For years Howard had been giving Raj openings, trying to let him know it was okay but his friend ignored every cue. Eventually Howard had begun to believe that Raj really was just a heterosexual male with girl issues and any hint otherwise had been wishful thinking.
"Why are you suddenly interested in sex with me? We've been friends for years..."
"Always interested. Just scared." Raj moved his hand between their bodies and cupped Howard's erection.
It was getting harder to be the clear-headed one.
It couldn't get much harder.
Raj was pulling at the bottom of Howard's shirt.
"When did you start feeling attracted to me? When I told you about Sheldon? Are you just jealous?"
"Ugh, why are you still talking? You wear pants that look like you had to be sewn into them! I was turned on by you before I saw you from the front."
Howard knew his personal style would pay off someday. Even if it took seven years for a nervous ninny to man up and admit he'd fallen under the acquired taste that is, Howard Joel Wolowitz.
Howard began to return Raj's kisses in earnest and ran his hands along his friend's surprisingly muscular body. He was gonna break off a piece of this chocolate bar... That was so good he had to say it out loud.
"Dude! I was going to make that joke!"
"You snooze, you lose."
Howard was promptly tossed on his back and Raj began tugging at Howard's skin tight pants. It was a fight but soon enough he was down to his underwear and a dicky. Raj was kissing his chest, licking at his nipples and stroking him through his silk briefs. He was ready to stoke out from the stimulation. This couldn't be good for his heart murmur...
"Maybe I should have brought this up early, Howard, but..."
"I have no clue what to do. I mean I have a clue but... I know what to do like Sheldon knows how to swim."
Howard chuckled, imagining Raj thrashing about on the floor. "Just do whatever you feel like doing. There's no specific algorithm to follow."
Raj looked thoughtful and then he pulled down Howard's underwear. Howard prayed that Raj was going to do what he thought he was going to do and... Hallelujah! Raj's lips were wrapping around the head of Howard's erection. He was going to suggest they let Raj keep the trophy for "Crowd Favorite" because he sure deserved it. That was a good one, he said it out loud. Raj pinched his hip and mumbled something along the lines of "shut up".
Raj couldn't believe he was actually doing what he was doing. Best. Halo. Night. Ever. Better than the time the batteries died in Sheldon's controller and they'd all fragged him while he tried frantically to replace them. This was waaaay better.
Howard was gripping his hair hard enough to hurt and moaning obscenely.
"Raj, you deserve to be in People magazine again. Front page."
He worked his friend's shaft with his hand while he bobbed his head in a separate rhythm. He was trying to remember every blow job tip he'd ever read on the internet. He knew one more... maybe? Maybe not. Worth a try? Why not?
Raj licked his finger and began to press it against Howard's tight ring of muscle.
"Oh dear lord, I am going to actually die."
It sounded like a good thing. He only moved his finger in and out for a few minutes before he could see Howard's entire body tensing. He was trying to keep three separate rhythms now and it was kind of exhausting but this was the grand finale. This was what he'd been waiting for. Howard's body lifted off the bed as he came in Raj's mouth. Raj was shaken by the intensity. He also suddenly felt pretty weird about where his hands were. Howard had his hands over his face and had tucked himself into a ball. That might be a bad thing.
"Ugh. I think that orgasm may have caused me neurological damage."
Howard was fine. Raj stroked his friend's hip and waited for him to unfurl. He was still painfully hard but he didn't want to be pushy considering what Howard had already allowed. There were so many things he wanted to do with Howard. Do to Howard. Have Howard do to him. Right now he'd be happy to masturbate looking at Howard's back. Mmmm... no, better to give Howard a few more minutes.
Howard waited for some of the muscles in his body to unclench so he could roll over. Damn. Raj was half dressed and fully hard. Damn! He looked so hot and sexy and not at all like a respected astrophysicist. Who would have thought all that was under those ugly sweater vests and who would have guessed the brain under that hot body?
"You wanna fuck me?"
Raj's eyes rolled back in his head and he flopped back on the bed.
"Um, is that a yes, Raj?"
"I'll warn you now, I'm about halfway there already."
"That's fine. I'll close my eyes and think of the queen while you do your business."
Raj seemed to like the suggestion because he was on top of Howard in a second.
Raj's hand was a little shaky as he tried to prepare Howard. This was big! And, well, he wasn't exactly small. He wished he were better at double entendres. Howard was hugging his knees and seemed obscenely relaxed.
"Have you ever done this before?"
"Not with a man," Howard replied.
"I meant, have you ever... been penetrated... by... another person..." It would be easier if he were better with curse words.
"Yes. But not with a man."
"I don't understand..."
"Well, she had this thing with a belt..."
"Holy cow, Howard. You are such a freak."
Howard smiled and wiggled his eyebrows, "Thanks for noticing."
Raj felt an iota less nervous as he lined himself up and made his first attempt. Howard wrapped his legs around his friend's waist and pulled him forward.
"I'm trying to be gentle here."
"I'm trying to scratch 'anal with a guy' off my bucket list. I'm not getting any younger."
Raj pressed a little harder. Oh no.
"I am about to give you the hottest 15 seconds of your life," Raj promised. Howard reached up and gave the astrophysicist's nipple a hard pinch.
"I just bought you another 30 seconds."
"No wonder this is illegal in some states. This is ridiculous."
Howard was getting hard again. He must have been doing something right. Howard gently guided him until he found just the right spot to make Howard lose his ability to talk nonsense and he began to whimper nonsense.
"Oh, Raj. Oh, god. Oh, man."
Raj thought about cricket and began to give long and hard thrusts. When he thought he couldn't take another minute and paused, Howard pulled him down for a long kiss. They stared into each other's eyes and Raj began to move again. Somehow the eye contact made everything thing seem more obscene. More intense. Less like a masturbatory fantasy and more like something real.
"You know I love you, right?" Raj asked.
"Yeah, but it doesn't count if you say it drunk during sex."
"Remind me to say it again tomorrow morning."
"I will. Right after I say it."
The time for chit chat was over. Raj couldn't keep any kind of regular rhythm anymore and soon he was smacking his hips against Howard so hard, Howard was pushing at the head board to keep himself still and then... He squeezed his eyes closed so hard he saw stars. He told Howard who called him a schmuck then kissed him.
Penny thought of all the fag hags in the world who were knocking back cosmos and dancing in clubs with beautiful men grinding against each other. Here she was playing playing Mario Cart (and kicking Sheldon's ass!) and eating a cheeseless pizza. When Raj stood up, Howard smacked his ass and told him to bring him a beer.
"That never stops being funny, Howard," replied Raj, "Did I say never stops? I meant to say that was never funny!"
Raj could talk in front of Penny, sober, and that was still only the third craziest thing that had happened to her boys in the past month. She'd commented on the statistical unlikelihood of all four of them suddenly entering into homosexual relationships in their late twenties (with each other). She was treated to several graphs and a powerpoint from Sheldon. Leonard's mom was writing a paper on them and their "micro-culture". Sheldon's mother called for a group prayer every day. So far, no luck. Sheldon and Leonard were still attracted to each other.
Honestly, she was a little jealous. They were all with partners who were their best friends and they could always double date. Leonard and Sheldon had already made a lot of progress in their relationship. Sheldon now allowed Leonard to whistle for five minutes a week and he allowed ten minutes of post-coital cuddling before he took a shower. Leonard no longer flipped out when Sheldon twittered about their post-coital cuddling. Howard had moved out of his mother's house and into Raj's apartment. Mrs. Wolowitz wasn't happy, mainly because Raj wasn't Jewish, but she still insisted Raj join them for dinner nearly every day. Raj's mom still wanted grandchildren and had some feelers out on cute Punjabi babies.
"Penny, you look pensive," Sheldon commented, "Are you thinking about shoes?"
"No, I'm thinking I have four gay friends and none of you like shoe shopping. I am the unluckiest hag in the world."
"Don't think of it that way," offered Leonard, "think of it as you have four nerds to do your taxes and give you tech support and you don't even have to put on make-up."
Penny thought about it, he wasn't wrong.
She hadn't hated making out with Amy... No, she'd have to test the waters with Bernadette. Amy literally bites.