So when Badou came back from his smoking break and found both Haine and Naoto sitting up straight and unnaturally still, with their eyes trained forwards, he knew something was up. But, seriously. He'd left them alone for like, five minutes.

Five minutes that, he observed, had proven highly traumatic to the both of them.

"What happened?" he hissed to Haine, as soon as he had a moment alone with him, but the other man only looked at him.

"What?"

"You and Naoto!"

"What're you talking about?"

"You guys. Earlier. When I left you alone."

"Oh. Nothing."

Badou was at once enormously suspicious, "Not nothing," he growled, and squinted Haine into submission.

Or not. "Nothing."

"So the two of you just sat there, for five minutes, without looking at each other, speaking, or otherwise interacting in any way."

Haine hit him. And then said, "Like I said, nothing."

Badou nursed his bruised jaw, sulked, and then bought Naoto a pregnancy test.

She spent a disturbingly long time staring into the convenience store bag after he had passed it to her. When she at last looked up, her face was terrifyingly flat.

"What is this?" she asked, voice completely devoid of emotion, "Ironic wall art?"

"Please name your second child after me," Badou began, "I feel like if I get the first one, I'll actually have to be an okay role model. Everyone knows quality starts slipping."

If nothing else, Badou was certain not many men could claim they had nearly been beaten to death with a pregnancy test.