Title: He'd Just Wanted Magic
Word count: 4,887
Summary: He'd just wanted a magic year and it had all gone so, so wrong. Today was the day that it became overwhelming and nearly swallowed him whole.
Warnings/Spoilers: References to incidents in Season 3. Triggers for self-harm and suicide.
Disclaimer: I am in no way associated with Glee, FOX, Ryan Murphy or anything else related to the Glee universe.
When he'd begun the year saying he wanted it to be magic, Kurt hadn't envisaged it going the way that it had. He hadn't imagined that he would lose the student election to Brittany, of all people, because she had betrayed him and his campaign. He hadn't expected Rachel to run against him. He knew Blaine was a better Tony and yet it still hurt that he hadn't been cast. Actually, no, it destroyed him because it wasn't just being not cast, it was being laughed at, by Artie, by Pillsbury, by Beiste and worst of all, by Rachel. The fact she believed he was still going to New York to pursue theatre after being so brutally broken down by people he considered friends or respected….no, no, he just couldn't.
He fingered the edge of his pillow as another sob slipped from his parted lips. Then there was the problems with Blaine. They used to agree on everything, speak for the other, be calm and happy and hopelessly in love and devoted. And then Sebastian had appeared and because of Finn treating Blaine like such a jerk, Blaine had drifted back to the Warblers. And Kurt couldn't fault them, because they were his friends too and they were wonderful boys and Blaine was happier after he'd gone out with them. Rachel griped about him being friends with the enemy but Kurt ignored a lot of what she said these days, losing himself in aimlessly drifting thoughts. Kurt couldn't blame Blaine for needing friends but…it drove a wedge between them with how openly and easily Sebastian flirted with Blaine and yes, okay? Yes, he was jealous because Sebastian had a coy smile and experience and the mysterious aura around him was attractive to Blaine and it just hurt.
Things were strained at home too, because he still struggled to be honest with Finn after how badly he insulted Blaine at the beginning of the year, and his father was constantly campaigning for an election Kurt couldn't care less about. He was getting out of school in a few months anyway so what did he care about the arts and music getting cut.
And with the tension between Kurt and Blaine, Finn and Rachel, he had found himself increasingly isolated and alone. It was like the year before when Dave had been harassing him. He'd tried to ask for help, tried to confide in how he was being bullied, and everyone had looked the other way. And now…now he just…what did he have? He had no one to go to, no one to talk to, no one who wanted to listen.
He turned the orange bottle over in his hand, reading the faded label. The bottle was a vague collection of various pills: strong painkillers, sleeping pills, blood pressure medication. He'd pinched them slowly from the cabinets at home, or from Blaine's, or if he could find something when he was at someone's house. He didn't know what would happen. He hoped that the cocktail of things would just interract badly enough and…and it would stop. That maybe he could have some downtime from his thoughts and emotions and anxieties. His fingers traced over the shiny metal blade beside the bottle but he didn't really want to use it. He didn't want some sort of permanent reminder on his skin if he went through with this but failed. He didn't want to have some sort of external sign of what he'd done. If someone came in and saw him surrounded by blood, it would create a lot more panic than if he just seemed to be sleeping.
It wasn't like this was a new thing for him, to curl up in his bed and touch his prized escapes. He just hadn't used them. He hadn't had a reason for it. He hadn't felt so out of control and lost that it was the only solution. But now…now he ached. He wanted to claw at his eyes because he just couldn't escape his own thoughts. He was trapped in his mind and he couldn't get out.
It probably seemed like nothing to anyone else. An argument with Finn over song choice during Glee, a disagreement after school with Blaine because was going to hang out with Sebastian, Nick and Jeff instead of doing his homework with Kurt, another day of not seeing his father because he was so busy trying to get elected and had decided to eat out. It was just too much and he didn't want to be a part of it anymore and….and he just didn't. That was all he had. It mightn't seem like much but it was enough. It was the tipping point.
He bit his lip as he popped the white lid on the bottle, pills tumbling out onto his bed. Round pink pills and long white pills and small blue capsules and apricot-coloured tablets. He didn't remember what any of them were specifically anymore. They just were. He sniffled, remembering how hard he'd cried when he'd overheard the musical directors tearing him down. Could he really do this? Would anyone notice or even care? Blaine would, briefly. He'd move on, get distracted by Sebastian and the other Warbler boys and not be so tortured next year by the separation of Kurt being in one state and him being left in Lima. His father had Carole, and Finn had Rachel.
His hands were shaking as he picked up the first few pills and placed them on his tongue. They were bitter and his eyes burned with tears as he sipped the mouthful of water and swallowed. And it was like taking that first mouthful opened the gate, making it easier to swallow down another mouthful, and then another, until he realised he'd taken half the collection of tablets. He was still shaking, but it wasn't fear now. He was past that. The tears were still hot on his cheeks, pooling on his pillow in darkening patches. He was in the middle of another mouthful when his phone flashed with a call from Santana. Swallowing roughly, he picked up the phone and swiped at the answer button.
"What do you want, Satan?"
She huffed. "Well hi to you too. Okay, so I can't decide on a song for Glee this week and I really want it to be something special for Britt, and given that you have a fabulous music repetoire of Broadway numbers, I figured you would know something that was sufficiently wonderful."
His head spun a little as he clutched at the phone. "I have no idea."
"Oh please," she complained. "Your only rival for knowing a stupid number of songs is Berry. I need something that's caring and loving but not like, sickening. And that suits my sultry alto, of course."
"Tana," he rubbed at his forehead as the room swam in front of him. "I don't…I d-don't know. Can't think right now."
There was a long pause and Kurt felt his fingers tremble where they held the phone. "Kurt? Is everything okay?"
"Don't pretend to care," he muttered, heart pounding as he clutched the blankets closer. He only had about a dozen tablets left. Couldn't she just get off the phone and leave him be?
"I'm not going to pretend if I'm legitimately concerned," she said. Kurt could feel a tingling in his toes and he wriggled them under the covers. "I know we aren't close Kurt but what's going on?"
He shook his head and whimpered when he felt his stomach turn over.
"'s just a headache, Tan," he mumbled, eyes flickering shut. She hummed, clearly not convinced. "Don't wanna…" It felt like the world was shifting beneath the bed, like he was falling.
"You don't want to what?"
He opened his mouth to tell her except he'd forgotten what it was he didn't want to do. Was his tongue always that big in his mouth? Talking felt like such a strain. Thinking was impossible. Why did the world kept moving? Was there an earthquake in Ohio?
"An earthquake? Kurt, what on earth?"
Nothing made sense. Why was Santana on the phone to him? He couldn't remember why she had called and he barely even remembered what he'd been doing before, except that the pills and razor blade were kind of glaring reminders.
"Kurt? Is anyone with you?" His mind was foggy. His thoughts felt like he was trudging through molasses. "Kurt?"
He couldn't feel parts of his face anymore. He wasn't sure if his mouth was open or closed, if his tongue was moving or he was making sounds.
"Kurt? Talk to me. What's going on? Is Finn home?"
He wanted to say no. He tried to explain that Finn was out on a date with Rachel. That his father and Carole had gone to the movies for a night off. But he just didn't know if he was capable of speaking anymore. It was too hard. It was way too much of an effort and his eyes felt like ten pound weights were pressing down on his eyelids.
He heard Santana swearing at him but his grip on the phone was slipping, or gone. He wasn't quite sure because he couldn't feel his hands anymore and even the brush of the fabric on his cheek was barely noticeable. Everything felt so far away, so hard and not worth the effort. He was exhausted and could feel his body relaxing and giving in, and he reliquished control, succumbing to the pull of sleep.
Blaine pulled a face when he saw Santana's name blinking across his phone obnoxiously. Nick, Jeff and Sebastian were talking about music and picking Blaine's mind for other songs they could sing a capella.
"Problem?" Nick said, eyebrow raised when he caught the look on Blaine's face.
He shrugged. "Dunno." He sighed deeply and pressed the answer button. "Tan?"
"Something's wrong with Kurt," she said quickly, voice high and urgent. "I'm already dialing Finn's number on my home phone but you need to get to him."
"He's probably just tired, San," he said, rolling his eyes at the boys. "He was up ea-"
"Blaine, listen to me. He's not tired. There's something wrong. Please listen to me." She paused. "Hey Finn, I've got Blaine on my cell. You need to get home. Kurt's not…something's wrong."
Blaine couldn't hear Finn's response but he could hear the panic in Santana's voice and he started thinking of how distant Kurt had been lately, how they'd fought this afternoon until Kurt had turned away, shaking his head silently and climbed into his car without another word. With a painful tug in his chest, he realised that even when Kurt was tired, he didn't fall asleep on the phone. When Santana mentioned slurring words and earthquakes, he thought his heart stopped.
"No," he blinked, scrambling for his keys and wallet and fleeing from his three friends. "Tan, you need to get off the phone to Finn. Call an ambulance. I think Kurt's overdosed."
"What?" she shrieked. "No Finn, not you. Wait, Finn, get Berry to call 911. Blaine said Kurt's overdosed."
Blaine was running for his car, heart thudding and twisting while his mind screamed at him. He could hear Nick yelling out to him but he couldn't stop, couldn't pause, as Santana spoke back and forth between him and Finn.
"Berry's called an ambulance," she told him as he unlocked his car and slid into the front seat. "They'll be there soon."
His hands were shaking so badly he could barely get the key in the ignition. He could see the Dalton boys chasing after him but he couldn't explain, he didn't have the time, and maybe they'd know to follow him or go to Kurt's or something, anything, he just couldn't stop because he was driving out of the lot and speeding dangerously towards Kurt's house. He knew he wouldn't get there before the ambulance and maybe even Finn and Rachel depending on where their date had been but he needed to get there, he needed to be with Kurt.
He wasn't religious. He hadn't been religious since he'd come out to his parents, since he'd been assaulted within an inch of his life, since his world fell out from beneath him years ago. But driving to Kurt's house, he was already making deals and bargains. He'd study harder, he'd work out more, he'd drink more water, he'd eat better, he'd never leave Kurt alone again. Just please, please, please.
The flashing lights of the ambulance illuminated Kurt's house and Blaine could see neighbours peeking from curtains as he slammed the door to his car and raced into the darkened house and up the stairs.
"No, no no no no no," he moaned, clutching at the door as he saw the EMTs threading an IV into the back of Kurt's hand and muttering between each other rapidly.
"Kid? Who are you?"
He blinked, dazed, as he stumbled to the side of Kurt's bed, clutching at the cool, clammy hand of his boyfriend.
"Boyfriend," he whispered, tears streaming down his face. "Please, please, you have to…you can't…"
He cringed at the hand on his shoulder as he tangled his fingers with Kurt's, squeezing desperately.
"We need to get him to a hospital soon, kid," the gruff paramedic said as his partner shoved a board beneath Kurt's body so they could carry him. "What're you gonna do?"
Blaine looked up at him as if he was crazy. "I'm coming too." The guy nodded and then Kurt was being lifted and carried down the stairs quickly and onto a guerney and Blaine was only vaguely aware that he was crying and then Finn was there and Rachel was shrieking.
"I'm his brother," Finn yelled above the noise, silencing Rachel as the younger paramedic loaded Kurt into the ambulance and started hooking him up to a heart monitor.
The gruff EMT glanced from Blaine to Finn. "Look, I know it's family first but neither the kid nor your girl are in any state to drive. But you can. You're holding it together. Follow behind us, yeah?"
He didn't wait for a response as Blaine clambered into the back and the doors were shut and then they were moving and the ambulance was wailing and Blaine just wanted to put his hands over his ears.
"Why, Kurt? Why would you do this?" he whispered, thumb roughly pressing against Kurt's fingers. "I don't understand…I'll never understand…"
"Sometimes it's not something that can be understood," the paramedic offered gently as he monitored Kurt's heartrate and blood pressure, not happy at all how low it was.
Blaine looked up at him, almost forgetting that there were other people around. "But he's come so far…he has everything and I don't… What could have made this happen?" A sob bubbled up from his throat as he squeezed Kurt's hand.
"Are you able to give me some details about Kurt?"
Blaine was glad for his grip on Kurt's hand to hide how badly his were trembling. He listed everything he possibly could about Kurt but no matter how much he explained, he couldn't put together the pieces that led to this.
He wasn't allowed to go with Kurt when they arrived at the hospital, and a male nurse had to physically restrain him as he cried and fought to try and follow. Finn was there, blocking his view and Blaine all-but collapsed into his arms, sobbing and whimpering as he clawed at Finn's shirt. This couldn't be happening. It just couldn't.
"Blaine?" Rachel's hand was so gentle on his arm as she pulled him close to her, directing him into the waiting room chairs and holding him against her tiny body. "Shh…it's okay…it's okay…"
Her eyes were wet with tears as Finn begged for any information but it was still too early and Finn paced as he fiddled with his phone. He knew his mom and Burt still had at least an hour left of the movie and expected both their phones would be off and it was so utterly ridiculous. He tore at his hair in frutration and anger and hurt and threw himself into the chair beside Rachel's.
"F-Finn," Blaine was fumbling in his pockets and pulled out his phone. "C-call Nick or Jeff. I…please?"
"Sure dude," Finn agreed nervously, taking the phone and tapping through it until he found Nick's number. It started dialing and he held it to his ear.
"Blaine? Thank G-"
"It's Finn, actually," Finn interrupted, side-eyeing Blaine who was still quaking in Rachel's arms. If the situation wasn't so terrible, if he didn't know how hopelessly devoted to Kurt Blaine was, he might have felt jealous or angry but he couldn't.
"Finn?" There was a brief pause. "Oh! You're Kurt's stepbrother."
"Yes, I…" Blaine made a brief motion with his hand and Finn handed the phone over, wondering why he'd had to make the phone call in the first place if he wasn't going to get to speak.
"Nick, I need you here," Blaine whispered. "Kurt, he…he's…please…"
"We've been waiting in the car until you called," Nick said and Blaine could hear the engine of Jeff's car turning over. "Where are you?"
"L-Lima Memorial," Blaine stuttered, a fresh wave of tears rolling over him.
"Hospital? Jesus, Blaine, what's going on?"
But he couldn't say it. Not over the phone. "J-just…just get here, okay? Be safe."
"We'll be there in no more than fifteen," Nick assured, and Blaine hung up, phone slipping into his lap as Rachel surrounded his hands with hers.
"It'll be okay," she murmured, chewing on her lip.
"Don't make groundless statements," he replied as the hysteria ate at his nerves. If Kurt…if Kurt… He couldn't even think it.
For ten minutes, Rachel kept her hand on his back, rubbing back and forth along his spine as she gripped his hands. Then Finn saw Jeff and went to wave at him, but Blaine was already tearing himself away from Rachel to run to Nick, throwing his arms around the slightly taller boy's neck.
Nick glanced at Jeff and Sebastian as he held Blaine's waist tightly. "Blaine? What's happened?"
Blaine clutched at the jacket Nick was wearing, inhaling as best as he could. "Kurt's…he OD'd, Nick," he whimpered, voice tremulous.
Nick's eyes widened as he glanced between Jeff and Blaine, then surrounded Blaine's body better and hugged him tighter. There weren't words. He knew there weren't. Jeff hand was supportive on his shoulder and Sebastian stood to the side, hands in his pockets as he shifted uncomfortably. He might have been enamoured by Blaine at first but they'd since developed a pretty easy friendship and to see him so upset…he realised then that he'd never had a chance with Blaine, not while Kurt was around, and probably not when he wasn't either.
"How are you certain?" Nick asked, cupping Blaine's cheek to wipe at the tears marking his face.
"I'm n-not really," Blaine said, panting for breath. "He just… The c-call I got was from Santana. She said he'd been m-mumbling things about earthquakes." Nick nodded as he carded through Blaine's curls. "W-when I got to his house, he was s-so pale and his h-hands were cold and…and…and there was a pill cylinder thing on his bed. I saw it on the g-ground as they moved him and there w-were pills scattered on his bed."
"Oh Blaine," Nick sighed, hand supporting the nape of Blaine's neck as Blaine hung on desperately. "He had a heartbeat though? When they brought him in?" Blaine nodded as his fingers laced behind Nick's neck, the shock starting to dissipate as his anxiety increased. "Hey, shh, slow your breathing down or you'll have a panic attack."
"I…I…Nick…" His thoughts were starting to scramble and he felt his knees wobbling beneath him.
"Seb," Nick commanded softly, and together they directed Blaine back into the chair beside Rachel, Nick holding him tightly while Jeff crouched in front of him, hands on Blaine's knees. "Blaine…Blaine…shh…"
Sebastian wasn't even sure why he started singing but when Rachel joined in, Blaine started trying to focus on the quiet voices around him rather than his racing emotions and thoughts.
"That's it….there you go…" Nick encouraged, fingers scraping at the curls at Blaine's neck.
"Kurt's family, yeah?" A nurse had basically appeared out of no where. Jeff lost his footing and slipped backwards onto his ass awkwardly. Finn grabbed for Rachel's hand and wasn't even sure he was still breathing. Blaine was listening to the thud of Nick's heart and couldn't inhale until the nurse said something more. "We can't say much because his parents aren't here yet, but he's going to be fine."
"You're sure?" Nick clarified and Blaine silently thanked him.
"Physically, yes. We've got him on two IVs at the moment to counteract some of what he took so yes, he'll be fine," the nurse repeated.
The relief that rolled through Blaine left him trembling again as Finn decided that he probably should try calling Burt and his mom. He stepped away with a kiss to Rachel's hair as Blaine grabbed at Nick's shirt.
"He's going to be okay," Nick soothed, feeling at a loss for words. Sebastian hummed beside Blaine, moving between chorus' and bridges of songs in a neverending stream of notes.
Finn hadn't been able to get either parent and slumped back in his seat, turning the phone over as he waited the final twenty minutes of the stupid film.
It was nearly another hour before Burt rushed through the emergency door with Carole by his side.
"Kurt Hummel. What's going on?" Burt demanded from a nurse as Finn hurried over.
"Sir, if you'd just-"
"I won't take a seat! I want to know!" Burt yelled as Carole rubbed his arm.
"Sir, I can-"
"He tried to overdose," Finn cut in as Burt turned to him, eyes wide. "I don't know what he took or how bad it is. They wouldn't tell us but they…a nurse told us he was gonna be okay."
"Overdose?" Burt blinked, glancing from Finn back to the nurse. "He…Kurt tried to kill himself?"
Finn chewed his bottom lip, shrugging slightly. "You'll have to ask him that."
Burt looked past Finn's shoulder, seeing Rachel, Blaine and three kids he thought he recognised as Dalton boys. "How's Blaine?"
"Hysterical wreck," Finn supplied, shoving his hands in his pockets.
"I'll see what I can find out," Carole murmured, disappearing into the hospital labyrinth as Finn and Burt walked over to the small gathering of teenagers.
"Blaine," Burt said gently, and Blaine's head snapped up, his eyes so tortured and pained and his face red.
"I'm so sorry," he said immediately. "I should ha-"
"No," Burt was firm as he nudged the blonde kid out of the way to crouch in front of Blaine. "Don't you dare, kid. This isn't anything you could have known or seen, unless Kurt told you."
Blaine shook his head. "He didn't but-"
"Then don't apologise," Sebastian interrupted. "If you didn't know, then it's not your fault."
"But he'd been so distant. I should have realised. I should have known," Blaine shuddered.
Burt touched Blaine's knee. "Blaine, no. We all had a chance to notice and we all missed it. He's my kid. He's my son and…and I didn't…I never…"
Blaine gave a vague, extremely unconvinced nod, pressing his cheek back to Nick's chest and listening to the steady heartbeat and breathing, trying to slow his to match.
Carole returned, eyes shining as she reached for Burt and murmured in his ear. Burt's eyes clenched shut as he nodded and she stepped away to sit beside Finn.
"After they brought him in, he…he flatlined for thirty seconds," Burt murmured, and Blaine thought his heart stopped beating. "They don't think it'll cause any long-lasting damage b-but…" Burt shrugged as he scratched behind his ear.
"Blaine?" Sebastian said. Blaine was frozen. He couldn't think. He couldn't breathe. Kurt had died. Kurt had died for half a minute. His Kurt had…had…
"Hey," Nick said, shaking him and startling him enough that he gasped in a lungful of air.
Rachel was crying quietly against Finn and Burt felt utterly lost and just wanted to punch something. He thought Kurt had been beyond this, he thought Kurt was happy now. He never expected this. Never.
Burt took a seat beside Carole while the group waited until they were told they could see Kurt. Blaine couldn't get past that Kurt had actually….he just…he couldn't think it. It hurt too much.
A nurse finally appeared and told them Kurt was conscious and Burt insisted Blaine come with him, Carole and Finn. Nick gave him a tight squeeze and he wobbled to his feet, trailing silently behind Kurt's family while his heart became heavier with each step.
"Blaine?" Carole took his hand in hers and tucked an arm over his shoulders. "Come on, this is his room."
Blaine stared at the door with the small '2' on it as Burt pushed the door open and then followed. Kurt was crying against his father's chest, apologising over and over as tears streaked down his face.
"It's okay buddy," Burt whispered, even though it really wasn't okay. Finn stood near the wall, fidgeting with his phone as he looked back and forth from his mom to Kurt.
Blaine was paralysed, gripping Carole's hand so hard that surely it had to hurt, but he couldn't stop staring at Kurt. He could still see how ashen Kurt's face had been, remember how cold his hand was, remembered how he barely seemed to be breathing in the ambulance. And then he had stopped breathing. What would have happened if he'd stopped breathing when Blaine was with him? God…Blaine wouldn't have been able to think.
"Blaine," Kurt whimpered, swollen blue eyes finding Blaine's hazel. "B-Blaine…Blaine, I'm so…I'm s-so sorry…"
Carole nudged him forward and he stumbled the last few steps to Kurt's bed as Burt moved back. His fingers were already tangling with Kurt's as he crawled onto the bed and clutched at Kurt's body, and it was warm and alive and he found himself sobbing all over again as he felt Kurt's cries.
It wasn't until he'd basically cried himself out that he realised they'd been left alone in the room and he took the opportunity to cradle Kurt's cheek, wiping at the tracks of his tears and staring into the bloodshot eyes.
"Why?" he whispered. "Why would you do that? Why, after everything…why now?"
Kurt's lip trembled as fresh tears spilled down his cheeks. "I felt so alone a-and I just…I couldn't…I didn't want to…"
"It's never the answer," Blaine frowned, touching Kurt's puffy lips. "Never. I love you, Kurt. I love you so much and…and to…to not have you in my life anymore, I…I would…I just…." He shook his head as he pressed their foreheads together. "Please, please, don't ever feel that you have to do this again. I won't make you promise. I know it can be uncontrollable and I'm not going to add guilt to your grief." He brushed Kurt's hair behind his ear. "But please…call me or talk to me before, okay? Don't…I don't want Tan calling me like that again. I don't want anyone calling me like that again."
"I'm sorry," Kurt sniffed.
"Do you remember, after the musical," Blaine said softly, "and I took your hand and put it over your heart?" Kurt nodded and Blaine did the same again. "It stopped for thirty seconds, Kurt. That thirty seconds could have spelled forever. And I don't want that. I want you. I told you, Kurt. You complete me. You're my other half. And…and to think of not having you…"
Kurt apologised again but Blaine silenced him with a kiss, trying to pour all his love into it as he held Kurt close.
"We'll talk about why later," Blaine murmured when he pulled back. "We'll talk about why you wanted to, why you couldn't tell me before, why you've been gathering various pills for months, wh-" He caught the look on Kurt's face. "Yes, Kurt. I know you spent months planning this. This wasn't an irrational action, even if it was only something fresh that set you off."
Kurt nodded shakily, glad that he would get a brief reprieve, glad that Blaine hadn't dumped him and run away. He had been so terribly stupid. So, so stupid.
"Shh," Blaine cut him off, finger to his lips as he tugged Kurt against his body and held his hands, careful of the IVs and the oxygen tube snaking from Kurt's nose. "Don't apologise because it's how you feel. I'm not going to hold it against you. Let's just…let's just snuggle now. We'll sort it out in the morning or whatever. For now, I just need to hold you."
When Burt re-entered the room, the sight of his son being held so tightly by Blaine, both boys fast asleep, caused yet another pang in his heart. It wasn't so much that he wasn't needed anymore, just that Kurt had the world at his feet and he'd come so close…
He sighed, switching off the light and shutting the door quietly. They'd sort it out in the morning.