Title: He'd Just Wanted Magic
Word count: 4,011
Summary: He'd just wanted a magic year and it had all gone so, so wrong. Today was the day that it became overwhelming and nearly swallowed him whole.
Warnings/Spoilers: References to incidents in Season 3. Triggers for self-harm and suicide.
Disclaimer: I am in no way associated with Glee, FOX, Ryan Murphy or anything else related to the Glee universe.
Blaine woke first the following morning, grunting softly at the crick in his neck as he blinked his eyes open. They itched from the crying, burned with exhaustion, and part of him just wanted to close them and maybe if he tried again, this whole thing would have been a dream. But Kurt was still breathing slowly against their joined hands, IV beeping quietly every twenty seconds and his stomach flipped over as he realised that no, it wasn't a nightmare. Last night had happened. Last night had nearly taken Kurt away from him. His eyes trailed over the gentle curve of Kurt's jaw and the flush high in his cheek and his eyes welled with tears, again, at how close he'd come. If Blaine hadn't…if Santana hadn't…Santana. God, had anyone called her?
As carefully as he could, he extricated himself from his boyfriend, grateful for once that Kurt was such a heavy sleeper and padded out of the room and down the hallway. He passed the nurse's bay and a few smiled at him as he nodded his head in respect, before he left the ward they'd put Kurt on and found a balcony where his phone had reception. He glanced at the small screen. 7.30am. She'd be awake by now. If she'd even slept. He went into the last received calls and tapped on her name, waiting, waiting, waiting.
"Blaine?" Her voice was scratchy and rough. "Have you any idea how much I've cried with fear waiting?"
He winced. "I'm so sorry, Tan. I fell asleep talking with and holding Kurt and I-"
"You mean he's okay?"
He sighed and looked over the skyline of Lima, at the sky brightening in the distance. "He's alive, yes," he clarified.
There was a pause and some rustling in the background. Blaine chewed his lip as he looked down, focusing on how many floors up he was. Ten? Twelve?
"Why do you say he's alive, hobbit?"
"Because he very nearly wasn't?" He cringed. That hadn't meant to come out as a question.
"What the hell is going on?"
"He…I was right…that he'd overdosed," Blaine mumbled. "He flatlined for thirty seconds last night and…" His voice cracked and he slid to the floor, back pressed against the balcony wall. "God, Tan. Thank you for calling him. Thank you for calling me."
He heard her sniffle followed by the tell-tale sound of blowing her nose. "I hadn't even planned to. I was going to talk to him at school. I just…I was impatient and I wanted answers for song selections. He…I can't believe it, Blaine."
"Me either," he whispered, tucking his knees against his chest as he gripped his legs.
"Are you going to school today?"
"No way." He wasn't going to school until he felt secure enough that Kurt was okay, that it wasn't something at school that had brought this on and made it unsafe for him to be there on his own. He wasn't leaving Kurt, period. "Just…say we're sick or something. I don't know if anyone else will know. I guess it'll spill out sooner or later but just…just keep it quiet, okay?"
"Sure," she breathed. "I'm truly sorry."
"You saved his life, Tana," he murmured, wiping his damp cheeks on his knees. "Don't ever apologise for that."
"Look Blaine, I gotta go because I need to pick up Britts but call or text me if you need, okay? I'll keep my phone tucked up my Cheerio skirt."
He rolled his eyes. "That was totally not an image I needed."
"I'm sure I could make you straight for my lady parts," she teased.
"Firstly, I'm pretty sure Brittany would string me up by my bowtie. Secondly, I'd never do that to Kurt, especially now. Thirdly, I'm very happy with Kurt's male parts."
"Yeah, that was sort of insensitive of me," she said. "Sorry."
"Accepted. Now go pick up Britters. I'll let you know how things go."
She said goodbye and hung up and he twisted the phone in his hands before tucking it back into the pocket of his jeans. He glanced at his fingernails, chewed down to the quick from the anxiety of the previous night. He could feel his heart speeding up with fear and needed to get back to Kurt, needed the reassurance that he was okay and alive. He was already stumbling back down pale green hallways, past the nurse's bay, into Kurt's room. The door hit the wall with a muffled bang and Kurt's eyes opened, glancing around wildly as he re-acquainted himself with his surroundings and caught Blaine's crazed eyes.
Much like last night, he was crawling back onto the bed, pulling Kurt against him. He was clinging, he knows he was clinging, but he just needs. He doesn't cry. He'd cried himself dry and now that he was thinking about it, he was ridiculously thirsty. But there's a panic in his heart which had been running through his veins the entire run back from the balcony and he hadn't had an anxiety problem like this in years.
He can feel Kurt's hands dancing over his back, warm and reassuring and definitely alive, and he trembled a little, clutching him closer as he breathed into Kurt's neck.
"Never again," he whispered, searching for Kurt's eyes. "Promise me. Promise me. Never again."
"I-I thought you weren't going to make me promise," Kurt said, eyes dropping to his lap.
Blaine felt so sick he thought he might just throw up. If Kurt can't promise him this… "I know. I know. I said I wouldn't make you but…but please, Kurt. I'm so frightened. I'm so scared that you're going to try again and this time it will be for far longer than thirty seconds and I…" His hand reached out to cradle Kurt's cheek. "I can't live without you. I honestly can't."
"You sound like you're quoting Twilight," Kurt mumbled.
Kurt's eyes snapped up to meet his and they're an ocean of despair and pain and hurt and Blaine's breath caught in his throat. How had he missed this? How had he spent so much time with Kurt and missed how badly he was broken?
"I can't promise you," Kurt whispered, tears pooling in the corners of his eyes and slipping down his cheeks. "I can't because what if it gets too much again? What if I can't handle it? What if I become overwhelmed?" He sniffed and pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes, taking a shaky breath. "I don't want to make you a promise I can't keep, Blaine."
Surely, surely, Kurt can hear the shattering of his heart, the very splintering of his soul? He pulled back from Kurt, just enough so he can see him properly, and for a boy that walked with his head high at McKinley when Blaine first transferred, who thought he had an honest shot at senior class president, who is a few inches taller than Blaine when they stand next to each other, the boy in the hospital bed looks so small and timid and broken. Tears are dribbling down his cheeks as he curled up, sobbing, arms around his knees.
"I understand if you want to break up with me," he whimpered. "I understand if it's too much for you."
"No," he breathed, arms firm as he gripped at Kurt's arms and tried to pry apart the ball of a boyfriend before him. "Kurt, no. I'm never…why would you…? No."
"I know it's a lot," Kurt said, face against his knees. It's so reminiscent of Blaine when he was on the phone to Santana and his whole body ached with fear and pain. "I know it surprised you. I know you thought I was this strong, brave person but I'm none of that. I'm nothing, Blaine. I'm nothing."
Honestly, where the hell had Kurt been hiding this? He felt winded with the realisation that Kurt had been falling apart and he had no idea. He wanted to pull the thin nightgown off and check his body for scars because he couldn't help but wonder how Kurt had held it together this long without causing more damage to himself.
"Kurt, look at me," he whispered, tugging at Kurt's knees and trying to raise Kurt's face. Kurt nervously looked up, eyes red from crying. "Kurt, you're my everything. Even if you feel like nothing, you're not to me. You're my world." He shifted closer, shaking as he touched every part of Kurt he possibly could. "Do you know how terrified I was last night? Do you know that Rachel nearly cried her eyes from their sockets? Do you know that Nick had to hold me so I didn't break into a panic attack thinking you weren't going to survive?" He tucked a lock of hair behind Kurt's ear. "Sebastian and Rachel started singing so I didn't break down in the waiting room. I almost thought your father was going to have another heart attack because he was trembling so much."
"Stop," Kurt murmured, tossing his head from side to side. "Stop it. You're just saying that."
"I've never lied to you, Kurt. Not once. Not ever." He was close enough now that he could pull Kurt's quivering body into his lap and pressed a kiss to his hair. "Whatever you convinced yourself of last night, it's not true. I can't cope without you. Finn and your father…Rachel and Carole aren't replacements for you, Kurt."
A fresh sob erupted from Kurt's throat because it's like Blaine knew.
"And it's not just us that need you, Kurt," Blaine continued, hand rubbing up and down Kurt's back. "Glee club needs you too. The world needs you. You're going to change everyone's life that you meet, Kurt. I called Santana before. She cried all night. Santana. Santana crying for anyone other than Britters is like Rachel hitting a wrong note. It just doesn't happen." His hand supported the back of Kurt's neck against his chest, rocking them together, back and forth slowly. "We need you, Kurt. We need you and we love you and maybe this year hasn't been the kindest to you but that doesn't mean we've stopped caring. And me? God, Kurt. I love you so much and I never thought I'd be in this situation with someone who is as beautiful and strong as you."
"I'm not though," Kurt whispered, clutching at Blaine's arm.
Blaine shook his head and held Kurt tighter. "You are the strongest, bravest, most beautiful, most courageous, most intelligent boys I know. You have the voice of an angel and eyes that light up my life. I told you after that first night, after we made love after the first performance of the musical, that I was yours and you were mine for as long as you'd have me. That doesn't mean you get to quit early and leave me alone when I need you so much."
"But it hurts," Kurt sobbed, tilting his head back to meet Blaine's eyes. "It hurts, Blaine. I'm always alone and rejected. I'm useless and I'm not needed and everyone's always too busy to notice me or listen."
"Is that why you did it?" Blaine asked, gently thumbing away tears that make Kurt's cheeks shine. "Because you felt so isolated and abandoned by everyone?"
Kurt's eyes dropped with the anxiety of admitting his thoughts but it was confirmation enough.
"Even me?" Blaine said, voice cracking. "Even though I devote every minute I can to you?"
"You aren't happy though. You travel to Dalton once a week and you hang out with Nick or Jeff or Sebastian and you're not happy at McKinley."
"You silly, silly boy," Blaine chastised gently. "I'm never happier than when I'm at McKinley with you. You make my soul dance, Kurt. You make me remember how to breathe. Every day I'm blown away by how much I love you just a bit more than the day before."
"But I'm going to leave," Kurt said quietly. "I'm going to go to New York and you're going to be here and you'll be alone at that awful school."
"You know what?" Blaine said, kissing Kurt's forehead. "Stop worrying about what I'm going to do or how I'm going to feel because I know I'm strong enough. And more than that, there are other options. Do you really want to go to New York feeling like this? You could stay here, take some classes as Ohio State, transfer and start with me. We could still start over. We could have everything we ever wanted when you first got back from New York and told me your plan."
"Rachel will understand," Blaine said gently. "Rachel would probably kill Barbra Streisand if it would make you happy and keep you alive."
Kurt laughed breathily. "That's kind of dramatic."
"Rachel is kind of dramatic," Blaine replied earnestly.
Kurt fell silent, cuddling into Blaine's arms and trying to draw from his strength and solidness, his security and support.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you," he said finally.
Blaine hummed, a clear indication he should continue.
"I…you were right, last night. That I'd been gathering pills for months. I don't…I don't even remember when it started. Maybe after I got rejected for Tony." Blaine's arms tighten automatically. God, it had been six months since that. How had he not spotted anything sooner? "It was…it was just a small thing. Like a relief that I had a way out if I needed it but I…I never expected to use it."
"A lot of people never do," Blaine acknowledged, dropping his cheek to rest against the top of Kurt's head. "Sometimes it's just comforting to know that you have the power but you don't use it."
Kurt bit his lip. That was it exactly.
"And then there's a moment, a time that you feel so broken, so upset, that you can't see it getting better. It becomes overwhelming, impossible to breathe or to think and all you want is just a little bit of downtime, just a little bit of time to yourself to take a time out." Blaine sighed, fingers lacing with Kurt's. "Maybe you didn't really want to die. You just wanted the hours of silence, to stop everything from thrumming through your head. And you start convincing yourself that no one will notice or care. That they're better off without you because if they don't talk to you, it means you're not noticed and they wouldn't notice your absence."
"H-how did you know?" Kurt said after Blaine went silent. "That's…that's exactly how I felt."
"Because I've been there," Blaine admitted, not surprised at Kurt's inhale. It wasn't something he'd talked about since he'd first transferred to Dalton, when Nick had caught him sitting by a tree and crying a few weeks after he'd started. "I've been in a place where nothing is going to get better, where your world falls out from under you and you don't feel that there's any reason to go on. And I've gotten back from that with the help and support and comfort of my friends." Mostly Nick and Wes, and then Kurt's silent strength even though he hadn't known.
"Who…who saved you?"
"Like…like who found you? What did you do?"
He honestly wasn't sure it was something he wanted to go into. He doesn't want to give Kurt ideas for future attempts.
"I didn't actually do anything," he said. "Not really. I…I'd taken a few sleeping tablets one night and felt the world fall away. I knew deep down it wasn't going to kill me but I just needed those hours off, to silence my mind and get some sleep. I overslept, badly, and missed most of the morning of classes and faked sick for the afternoon. I ended up going for a walk and Nick found me." He could still see it if he closed his eyes. How warm the sun was on his face and yet he couldn't feel it because he was so cold inside. His hands were trembling and he still felt dizzy with the after effect of too many pills. "He refused to leave until I told him what was going on and…and he was really great. He's been there ever since. He's one of my best friends and I know he'd drop everything to be there for me, like he was last night." His fingers stroked through Kurt's hair absently. "He came back to my room and tossed out the pills I still had. He roomed just down the hall and said that no matter what the time was, if I felt that way again, I was to come and get him. I felt so guilty for so long with how much I used to wake him up, crying and shaking because I just wanted it to stop so badly. And he'd pull me inside and let me talk it out until I fell asleep, utterly exhausted."
"He sounds like a great friend," Kurt whispered, wondering why he'd never really noticed that side of Blaine's friendship with Nick before.
"He went away over a long weekend while I stayed at Dalton. My father had called and said he didn't want me to come home and I just freaked out. I didn't have anything, Nick didn't even let me keep scissors in my room, and I ended up throwing things everywhere in a rage, screaming. Wes found me on the floor, mid-panic attack and called Nick who talked him through what to do." The incident with Wes was vague at best. He'd been able to hear but it was like he couldn't see. He couldn't control the shaking of his body and everything had just shut down as he gasped for breath until he'd heard Nick's voice on speaker singing and Wes had joined in. And somehow, the two had brought him around, his mind slowly clearing as he focused. Nick had promised he'd call later, and Wes had helped him restore his room back to order before asking for an explanation.
"Eventually, the story was explained to Jeff but he's always treated me more carefully than Nick and Wes. He doesn't handle the emotional outbursts well because I think he's terrified that he'll say the wrong thing and I'll end up worse." He tilted Kurt's head and kissed over his face softly. "So I know what it's like. I know exactly what it's like. And I know that a promise is impossible but…but I'm here. I'm here and so are Finn and Rachel and your dad and Carole. I'm pretty sure Tana and Cedes would answer your calls, and Quinn and Tina. You've got everyone wrapped around your pale little fingers and all you need to do is ask."
Kurt sucked in a breath, struggling to comprehend a side of his boyfriend he'd never seen before. They'd never really discussed Blaine's attack or the aftermath, but suddenly Blaine hanging out with Nick and Jeff so often made more sense, and stepping away to answer a call from Wes who was at Yale. It wasn't that they were trying to steal him away or make him go back to Dalton. They were just trying to check in with him, make sure he was okay and coping and reaffirming promises that had stood for years. God, he was so stupid.
"I'm so sorry," he whispered again, listening to the steady beat of Blaine's heart beneath his ear.
"Don't apologise for how you feel, Kurt," Blaine said gently, squeezing Kurt's hand. "Apologise for your actions, maybe. Try and make sure they don't happen again, definitely. But don't apologise for how you feel."
Kurt gave a wobbly nod and tucked himself tighter against Blaine's body. Blaine's chest resonated with a soft hum and soon Kurt found himself unable to stay awake, eyes slipping closed and drifting off to sleep.
Burt arrived not long after Blaine had soothed Kurt to sleep, but he'd kept humming and rocking rhythmically because it helped keep him calm too. A nurse walked in with Burt, but paused at the door.
"Can you come back later?" Burt questioned, and she nodded, disappearing as Burt quietly shut the door behind him. "How's he doing?"
Blaine looked down, his boyfriend's face so peaceful and calm. "I think he's emotionally spent."
"Tell me why?" Blaine finished. Burt nodded, fingers twisting in his pockets as he sat in one of the plastic hospital chairs. "I more guessed at it and he confirmed it. He just felt really alone and scared. I think it's been coming a while. He's been under so much stress and yesterday it just broke."
Kurt snuffled against him, a tiny noise of discontent falling from his lips. Blaine hummed a few more bars until Kurt's twitching settled and turned his attention back to Burt.
"I want you to know I'm not leaving him," Blaine said, feeling sort of fiercely protective of his boyfriend. "I hope I've made that clear to Kurt and I want you to know that I can handle this. I'll handle anything to see Kurt happy again."
"Don't end up pulling yourself down though, kid," Burt said, eyes focused on his son's tranquil face.
"Leaving him would pull me down," Blaine replied, lips pressing to Kurt's hair. "I think he'll be okay. It might take some time and a lot of patience and care and love, but I just think he's felt really lost this year and if everyone can just…I don't know. Not mollycoddle him but pay a bit more attention and take the time to notice that just because he's not saying anything doesn't mean he's not there, then I think he'll be okay."
Burt grimaced before leaning back in his chair with a sigh. "Is this my fault? Did I miss this? You said it's been coming for months."
"It's no more my fault than yours, Mr Hummel," Blaine said.
"Burt, then," Blaine said with an eyeroll. "If I can't blame myself for not picking up on this properly, neither can you. You didn't know the signs."
"And you did?"
Blaine's gaze moved from Burt's eyes back to the top of his boyfriend's head. "Yes. I was telling Kurt before you got here that I've been in the same place. It's why I knew how he felt."
Burt sat forward, hand touching Blaine's knee awkwardly. "That's still not a reason to blame yourself though," he repeated. "And I knew Kurt hadn't coped well last year. My heart attack and then that damned Karofsky kid abusing him really battered him. I heard him cry himself to sleep. After he went to Dalton, I cleaned his room one Sunday and found a hastily scribbled note that was basically a goodbye letter." He shook his head and sighed again. "I should have confronted him but I was terrified. I thought he was happier at Dalton because he was safe, and then I thought he was happier because of you."
"Sometimes rays of light don't illuminate the darkness as well as we might think," Blaine said softly, quoting one of Nick's favourite lines.
Burt shifted and leaned back in his chair. "You're good to him, Blaine. I'm glad he has you. I'm proud of who my kid has become since he's known you."
Blaine felt the tears rush from God knows where. "You raised an excellent son, Burt. I'm lucky to have him and I will spend the rest of every day making sure he knows it."
Burt grunted and fell silent. Blaine went back to rocking Kurt back and forth, back and forth, and humming any song he could think of that Kurt liked listening to. It was going to be okay. Yes, it would probably take time and it wasn't going to be totally easy, but they had each other and Blaine was determined to prove to Kurt that he wasn't isolated. Maybe his senior year hadn't been magical, but Blaine would make the rest of his life that way.
A/N: Sometimes I fall in love with a story so much I just want to add to it and hope that it's half as good as the original. Forgive me. Love me. Feed me reviews. Take care of yourselves, and know that you aren't ever truly alone either. xx