Just realized I hadn't posted this one here yet. Sequel to "You're Blowing My Concentration."
Standing on the deck outside the dining hall with his arms crossed over his chest, shoulder slumped slightly against the wall beside him, Zoro's torn between bursting into laughter and just plain booting the quavering cook straight through the doorway, phobias be damned.
For once, breakfast is late, unfashionably late, and any moment Luffy's going to give up his whining and start actually gnawing on somebody, and there's a very good likelihood that person will end up being the swordsman himself.
"Y'know, the girls are probably gonna show up soon, swirly-brow," he reminds Sanji, unable to hide a grin of amusement at the expression of desperation, hate and chagrin that immediately flashes across the blond's face at the thought that his precious ladies might not only find him shivering on the doorstep of his own kitchen with a certain one-eyed, green-haired bastard laughing at him but might also be forced to languish in their quarters until the damned arachnid vacates the premises.
He's certainly not going in there to remove it himself- isn't setting ONE FOOT inside that room until it's gone- and Usopp's nowhere in sight- is busy helping Franky with some early morning project and therefore notably absent and not likely to save, err, lend him a hand. Luffy's too distracted by the absence of food to pay attention to the real issue here. And Zoro's having too much fun watching him squirm to suggest that their captain bat down the bloody cobweb that's appeared stretched between the oven doors and countertop sometime overnight.
To Sanji's over-imaginative mind, the expanse of the gossamer strands suggests one of two things: a spider that's fucking gigantic, or a spider capable of pole-vaulting across half the ship. If he summons the nerve to walk in there and unintentionally disturbs it before he's got the chance to smash it flat, it might take one enormous shitty flying leap and end up almost anywhere. He's fairly confident that his Diable Jambe Frying Pan attack would burn the beast to cinders before it touched him, but-
"Zoro~" Luffy keens, poking the swordsman's ribcage with enthusiasm and peering up at him with enormous, agony-filled eyes. "I'm STARVING. When's breakfast going to be ready~?"
"Dunno. Guess that's up to the cook." The older pirate's grin widens even further as he dodges the heel lashing out at his nose. "You hear that, shitty cook? The captain wants to know when we're gonna eat."
"Damn it, Marimo, you're such an asshole," Sanji grumbles under his breath as he lights a cigarette with hands that aren't trembling one bit, no, they're certainly not.
"Shoulda thought twice before you talked those two into interrupting my training session."
"Pfft, whatever. You should be thanking me; you know you enjoyed-"
They both wince as Luffy flings himself full-length on the deck with a dying groan of exasperation and begins rolling back and forth, bumping into their ankles and nearly pulling Zoro off his feet when he grabs a handful of his coat and starts tugging repeatedly on it, punctuating each tug by chanting "food, food, food" as he goes.
"You know he's only gonna get worse, the longer you make him wait."
"Shit." The cook taps ash from his cigarette, debating, and then favors his nakama with a thoughtful look. "Maybe-"
He grits his teeth, mentally cursing his crewmate, the spider. "If you get that blasted thing out of my kitchen, you can-"
The rest comes out in a torrent of words that Zoro pretends to misunderstand and asks him to repeat, even though the shitty bastard obviously heard him perfectly clear the first time, considering the enormous smirk that's overtaken his face.
The swordsman tilts his head, considering- PRETENDING to consider the offer long enough to make Sanji start thinking that maybe it wasn't such a good idea after all, and then he stoops to haul Luffy off the Adam wood planks by the scruff and brushes past the agitated cook.
"Just this once, you got yourself a deal. C'mon, Sencho- we've gotta save Mister Princess here from the big horrible bug that's trying to take over his precious kitchen."