Yes, it is I. Your Potions master. It would seem Professor Dumbledore desires that I become more involved in the needs of the students. Argo, I am being forced to write an advice column. The "Ask Snape". Feel free to comment on this column and add your own question. For if I do not have questions, there shall be no Ask Snape. In other words, I will strangle each and every student and/or faculty member who shall submit a question. Without further ado, the "Ask Snape". Please note, Professor Dumbledore gave me these questions specifically, but from here forward all questions shall be in the form of reviews submitted to this column.
Hi. I was wondering, what exactly does Dumbledore have on you? Don't take this the wrong way, but you don't seem like the type to want to be around children through any choice of your own. Did you try to poison his lemon drops or something?
Curious Ravenclaw Girl
No, I did not try to poison his lemon drops. Believe me, if I took it upon myself to poison someone, they would not be among the living. Thank you for the idea, though. I'll save it for the next time Dumbledore publicly humiliates me. Remember this, oh young one. Dumbledore is a cruel manipulator. Remember that, and you will have a relatively tolerable life. And sadly, due to a recent lawsuit, I cannot inform you of what I did to deserve this cruel fate. All I can say is I would not wish it on my worst enemy.
Why did the Marauders start calling you Snivellous? I mean, where did they get the inspiration? It couldn't have been from your delightful nose, could it?
How they began calling me Snivellous is one of the saddest tales in Wizard history. It all started on my second day of Hogwarts, when my mother sent me a letter saying my grandmother, whom I had been extremely close to, had died. I was unable to prevent myself from crying, something I very rarely do. Those filthy "Marauders" as they called themselves took it upon themselves to mock me and worsen my already awful day. After several minutes of mocking they came up with the oh-so-creative name "Snivellous". Oh, how imaginative they are.
Dear Professor Snape,
Why didn't you use a love potion on Lily Evans? I mean, with you being so talented in the art of potions, you'd think that it would be easy for you to whip up one tiny little love potion!
Could you not have suggested that twenty years ago? Ten points from your House for utter annoyance!
Dear Professor Snape,
Hi. Listen, I've been hearing rumors that you used to be a Death Eater. Is that true? Listen, if it is, could you Avara Kedavara my friend Hannah Abbot? The little dork is stealing Neville Longbottom away from me! Darn her. So, could you get rid of her for me? Thanks.
Are you sure the Hat sorted you properly? You sound more Slytherin than Hufflepuff to me. Sadly, as much as I would like to kill most of the Hogwarts students, I would go to Azkaban. I can, however, sign a note allowing you to borrow 1,000 Death and Torture Curses by Karadora Belby from the restricted section of the library. Good luck with your murderous intent!
Dear Professor Snape,
Hello, Sir! I am writing this because I would like to involve you in an amazing buying opportunity! You can now be the proud owner of a Harry Potter voodoo doll! Yes, you! A genuine patent label voodoo doll of the Chosen One himself! At the extremely reasonable price of only six Galleons, buy one for the whole family! For a limited time only, I'll also throw in a Neville Longbottom voodoo doll at no extra charge! Your future awaits! Just reply to this message as soon as possible!
Chosen One Voodoo Ltd.
Where can I buy one of these? I would pay top Galleon for a genuine Harry Potter voodoo doll! Do you sell Albus Dumbledore ones to match? Owl me a catalogue!
Hi! I have this huge crush on this teacher. He, um, teaches... well, never mind! He's really funny, but in a twisted dark way. And he's really smart. Too smart to be a teacher, almost. And, um, he's really mean, but not evil. And I just... really like him. What should I do?
Lo- I mean Sincerely,
Come down to the potions lab after curfew any time! I'll show you how Slytherins rock! But lose the stammer, sweetie. It's extremely unattractive. And don't wear Huff-and-Puff colors. They make you look like a bee.