Hi guys! It's Moz! Sorry I've been away for a while. I've been sick. But don't worry, I've been playing Barbie movies to Snapeykins company. Here, I'll let him talk.
You know, for all your claims of love for me, not a single one of you has come to rescue me from this lunatic. She's feeding me properly again, fortunately. She no longer 'ships' Drarry, thankfully. However, of late, I've heard her talking about something called "zutara". This will not end well.
Oh well. On to the letters.
Dear Professor Snape,
Ooh, you gave me a smiley face. I could giggle for hours. However, as I know that would merely annoy you, I will refrain. Only you could effect me in such a way, you naughty professor. ;)
Oh, and just so you know, I did call the Aurors on Moz. Unfortunately, as the lot of them are incompetent dunderheads, they could not seem to find her or where she is keeping you. Don't worry, I will keep trying. I don't appreciate anyone keeping you tied up when you have a very important Friday appointment with me in the astronomy tower. Especially since the only one allowed to do any tying up is you (well, unless you ask for it, of course).
I'll be sure to bring lots of nutritious food with me to our appointment since you have been doing without for so long. I'm sure after being half-starved and alone for so long you would certainly love someone to feed you - perhaps chocolate covered strawberries? Do you have any food preferences? What about music and candle scents? I want to be sure to set the perfect ambiance. Only the best for you, Love.
There are many other things I'd like to ask and plan, but that would certainly get too rated for this column, so... I'll just have to leave the rest for Friday. See you then, Love.
Your Devoted Servant
P.S. - I hope 'Love' is not too personal. I can call you Master if you wish. ;)
I believe you meant only I could affect you.
Frankly, it's no wonder we nearly lost the Wizarding War if a team of Aurors could not manage to locate one single psychotic Muggle.
I am allergic to strawberries. I do enjoy watercress, although I would find nearly anything outside of lemon drops acceptable. I do enjoy cinnamon scented candles.
And really, it's far too rated already. Could you basement dwellers perhaps tone it down? I know you adore me, and I can understand why, but this is truly reaching troubling proportions.
P.S.- Master? Really? Who are you, Bellatrix?
First off how do you do that cape billowing thing, cause it's freakin awesome, second will we ever see Snape for Prime Minister
the Sasquach of Gryffindor
I believe you meant Sasquatch.
Firstly, I have personally trained a team of tiny bats to fly under my 'cape' in formation, making it billow.
I am not a politician. Even I could not manage to lie enough to be one.
To the esteemed Professor Snape,
I do apologize for the delay between letters but the failure of the first assault force to take down "The Great and Powerful Moz" left me in a bit of a bind as I scoured the multiverse for a second assault force that could pull off the job. Having said that I believe this new task force shall pull off the job.
1. SPARTAN-B312 Also going by his Team call sign of Noble 6, real name classified A SPARTAN-III Super Soldier from the year 2552, he was among a batch of 330 other children that were selected for the SPARTAN-III program after having been orphaned in an assault by the ALien force known as the covenant. After training his level of skill (a Hyper-Lethal Vector matched only by a SPARTAN-II known as John 117 or the Master Chief) got him assigned to Noble Team in which he defended the planet reach and performed many acts of valor including the destruction of a Covenant Super Carrier. He would have died on Reach after escorting the AI Cortana to the cruiser "Pillar of Autumn" though not before taking down an entire army including armored vehicles. Thankfully I was able to grab him just before his demise. (For full details of his exploits see Halo Reach.)
2. Wade Wilson The Merc With a Mouth, Deadpool, A mercenary given the X-Men Wolverine's healing abilities to prevent his death from cancer, it has left him certifiably insane, claiming to be a comic book character and often looking for a "fourth wall", despite his insanity he is one of the finest fighters around either in martial arts, swordsmanship or gun use, and even if he can't take down Moz he can easily distract her with insanity.
3. Boba Fett, an Intergalactic Bounty Hunter who has brought down numerous criminals for both the Empire and Crime Lord Jabba the Hutt, even had the skill and tenacity to escape the Sarlacc in the Star Wars expanded Universe.
To further aid these three from the multiverse a band of Klingon Warriors has also been organized for fire support and man power.
Hopefully that level of firepower should at least halt Mozes madness. If not no worries I'm already in the process of forming a third team for the job.
Anyway a question for you Professor. On Youtube there is a series of videos known as "How it Should have Ended" one of these is for the Deathly Hallows movie and in it, your counterpart for these films kept an antitode for Nagini's venom on person and thus survived, and then proceeded to use a timeturner to go back in time to off Tom Marvalo Riddle as an eleven year old. My questions are thus, one how much are you kicking yourself for not thinking of carrying the antidote at all times. Two would you have gone back in time anyway or left it alone for fear of creating a paradox or the like?
I thank you for your time sir and I hope this new team allows you a much better situation.
Good luck sir.
You are forgiven. All three sound like they will be tolerable fellow prisoners, assuming they survive their initial encounter with Moz. She may not be particularly great, but for such an idiot she bites very well.
I have never kicked myself for not keeping an antidote on me. I knew I would probably die before the war was done. I was ready. I do wish I had died before Albus, though. Just a day without him. Is that too much to ask?
And no, I would not have gone back. Paradoxes are not something to be toyed with.
Moz is at least feeding me. Unfortunately, she has taken up singing. If I have to hear John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt one more time I will remove my ears through sheer willpower.
Tell the rescue team to hurry.
Dear professor Snape/ Royal Majesty (are we looking at another Evil-Genius- Wannabe? Oh no...),
In your reply letter, I happened to notice that you put a lot of EMPHASIS on various words, and I confess that I'm confused. They didn't always make sense... Oh. Wait.(checks reply,) I understand now. You were mocking me. I hope that you realize, professor, that mocking your fans isn't going to earn you any points(pun intended, since you usually take away points, get it?) Oh well, I suppose you really can't help yourself, so I'm willing to forgive you... Just this once. I know you feel relieved.
On with the questions!
-what sort of pleasure do you find in terrorizing students? I mean, sure, its impressive, but rather mean, not to mention dangerous! Think of the explosions that must happened because some poor student's hands are shaking! You sometimes make ME nervous, for crying out loud!
-What would your reaction be if someone walked up to you and gave you a hug? Just wondering...
-What do you think of chocolate truffles?
-Do you speak another language? It might account for the odd looks you keep getting, and the fact that none of your students(except me) seem to get anything right.
-Most importantly, DO YOU LIKE CHEESE? Reactions to cheese say a lot about a person.
Your CURIOUS inquirer,
L. E. Nora(but you can call me Genius!)
Ps, you don't think I'm entertaining? Fine.
Neither are you. So there.
I try to address people semi-accurately. So calling you Genius is out of the question.
Moz is insisting I ensure I did not "hurt" your "feeling" by "being a meanie-head." Of course, I was mean for using sarcasm, but locking me in a basement for months on end is fine… I hope your feeling remain intact.
-It's an enjoyable diversion. If I didn't terrorize them I would eventually snap and Crucio one of them. It's not that mean, comparably.
-One word. Crucio.
-Dark chocolate ones are somewhat acceptable.
-I do know Latin, as many great Wizards do, but I prefer to speak English.
-No. I do not. What does that say about me, pray tell?
P.S.- Oh. Ouch. That truly stings, deep into my soul. How will I ever begin to cope with you not finding me amusing?
Dear PROFESSOR SNAPE (are you happy, now?),
Very Small Prophet? - True, true. Those are all very good song ideas. I, myself, would love listening to them.
I haven't read those books, but they sound interesting. I might look them up.
I only have one question for you this time: when you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?
I'm never happy.
I didn't have a specific career in mind, but when I pictured my future I imagined doing something where I had intelligent colleagues, where I fit in and was well-liked, and where Lily was in the picture even if we were not married.
Dear, Sarcastic, Occasionally Downright Cruel And Unusual Professor Snape (that's right, YOU),
Hi there! How are you today? Have you popped Moz upside the head today? I'm doing great, thanks for asking. It just so happens I have A LOT of questions for you... I know you don't mind.
Do you play any musical insturment? I personally could see you playing the piano, but the tuba or the kazoo are just as likely.
Can you sing? I bet you have a lovely singing voice; all you have to do is speak and you have everyone's attention!
Also, how did the other teachers at Hogwarts recieve you when you first started teaching?
What is Draco's middle name, and why on earth do people keep assuming that you're his godfather?
What's with the animosity between you and Bellatrix? Do you simply enjoy annoying each other, or is she jealous? Does she really have a crush on Voldemort?
Lastly (for now!), what was your funniest moment as a Death Eater? It didn't have to happen to you, you may have simply witnessed it.
Well, sorry I have taken up so much of your incredibly valuable time, and I am certain you'll hear from me soon!
Ever watchfully yours,
Evil Innocent Bystander
PS, if you have a free afternoon, stop by The Hooting Owl, I'll be wearing a lime green scarf and I'll have ordered the eggplant souflée. For you, that is- I hate eggplants!
Oh, snap. How deeply hurtful.
I am as well as can be expected. I am being fed again, thankfully. I have managed to restrain myself as far as using violence towards Moz. I do mind.
I've already mentioned that I am a talented violinist, and I do enjoy the penny whistle.
I am an absolutely dreadful singer. My singing voice is quite raspy, although that could work well for jazz.
They were mistrustful and hostile, particularly Minerva. Save for Trelawney. She was rather…overly friendly.
He has no middle name. Some Catholic needed an extra one and stole his. Not everyone has a middle name. And people assume I'm his godfather because I am. I know Lucius Malfoy, and frankly who else could they choose? Bellatrix LeStrange? The Notts?
Frankly, I wonder who Frank is, and why he gets an adjective all to himse-
Be quiet, Moz. This is my column. If you're making me do the bloody thing the least you can do is not interfere.
She dislikes me. She distrusts me. She questioned my loyalty. To be fair, she was right. And she passed crush seventy miles ago.
Puppet Diversity Day.
It all started when Fenir Greyback started complaining about certain Death Eaters (coughBellatrixcough) making "insensitive comments" about his "condition". The Dark Lord felt this was unacceptable. So one day we held Puppet Diversity Day.
Everyone who was suspected of "Lycanthropy-related intolerance" (myself, Bellatrix, Lucius, Narcissa, Rodulphus, Pettigrew) were gathered into one room. Bellatrix and Pettigrew were given werewolf puppets. Narcissa and Lucius were given vampire puppets. Rodulphus were given normal puppets. The Dark Lord gave Rodulphus and I little water pistols filled with blue and red dye and were instructed to spray the other puppets. Apparently the water represented our "unkind words and actions". All I know is it was wonderfully amusing to spray Bellatrix in the face with blue dye. I pretended my finger slipped.
Well, that's not exactly funny, but it was extremely enjoyable as it happened.
Dear Professor Snape,
I sent you a package with some food since Moz hasn't been allowing you to eat properly. And I prepared the food myself. I hope you like blackberry bread and peach tea.
Now, on to my questions.
Did Lily ever ask you to babysit Harry while she and James went out for the evening?
Is Scabior single?
Do you think Remus and Sirius are more than just friends?
Were you ever forced to go to a Death Eater meeting when you were ill and would have rather stayed at home in bed?
I'm afraid I can't think of many questions today, so that's all I have for now.
While I am a fan of neither peaches not blackberry bread, the food was much appreciated.
No, we had no contact by that time.
Yes he is. I suggest you pursue him. He'd be delighted.
I choose not to concern myself with the affairs of those idiots.
Yes, I was. It was Puppet Diversity Day, actually, and I ended up vomiting on Rodulphus. I think that was the only reason Bellatrix didn't torture me afterwards. She does enjoy seeing Rodulphus uncomfortable.
Could you please feed Professor Snape? Starving him for not shipping DracoxHarry is not very polite. Other than that, thank you very much for "persuading" the Professor to answer our questions during his captivity. You are awesome.
Dear Professor Snape,
1. What was your favorite spell that you've invented?
2. What was your favorite potion that you've invented?
3. I'm assuming that you've assigned Harry Potter many different kinds of detentions. What was the most hilarious (for you not Harry) punishment you've ever given him? One of my buddies asks "did you ever have the 'Golden boy' clean your bathroom?" My own reply to my buddy was "That'd be pretty funny but why would the Professor want Harry touching his personal things?"
4. I apologize for this stupid question but I've heard that you can fly without a broom. Is this true? If yes, do you like flying?
5. I've read in an earlier chapter that you would kill Harry by telling him the truth about his stupid father (yes, I know that the word "stupid" doesn't even begin to describe James Potter but I'd like to avoid swearing), torturing him, then chopping his body to make flour and then making a souffle out of said flour and finally, eating it. My question is, aren't you afraid of the horrific indigestion that would result from consuming Potter's corpse? Is there a stomach soothing potion strong enough to counter the effects of consuming Potter? I'm not doubting your Potions skills but you've got to admit that eating Potter is like asking for food poisoning and the worst case of the runs in British history.
6. Which of the DADA teachers did you hate the most; Quirrell, Lockhart, Lupin, Umbridge, or Carrow?
7. How tall are you (please give your answer in feet and inches. Yes I am capable of converting but please don't make me)? I personally am 4'8 (yes, I know that I'm a total shorty). I'm trying to picture how tall I would be standing next to you. Would I come up to your elbow? Or am I taller than that (perhaps this is wishful thinking on my part)?
Hi! I'm working on my manners, so I've begun feeding him again. I don't ship Drarry anymore anyway. Thank you! You're awesome too!
Sectumsempra was probably the most useful.
A milky white potion that turned the drinker's teeth to liquid with just four drops. It was delightful for using on bothersome people. I tried it once on Dumbledore. Apparently, he did not notice the difference.
That was very wise of you. I did once force him to trim my toenails.
Yes, it's true. It comes in handy, but the novelty does wear off.
You do have a point there. Although I can make a remedy for nearly anything.
Quirrel. While the others were all dreadful, nothing trumps Quirrel. He said I should grow sideburns! And invest in some deep plum robes to bring out my "piercing" eyes! And buff my fingernails! And get some new hair care products! A deep conditioner! He felt my hair would go well with the fluffy look!
Six feet, nine and three quarter inches. Perhaps just above my elbow.
Dear Professor Snape,
I just wanted you to know you are probably one of my favorite people in the wizarding world. Its very admirable the way you face both Voldemort and Dumbledore's crazies. I wouldn't be able to face it. Not to mention you also have to teach disrespectful and idiotic students.
By the way have you read the muggle story of Cyrano de Bergerac? There are some remarkable similarities between the two of you. Namely your nose, wit, and unrequited love.
You mean it's very admirable. And yes. It is.
I'm acquainted with it. Apparently his nose, while large, was not as big as some have made it out to be.
Dear Professor Snape,
Instead of asking questions about you, I thought I would ask you about your fellow staff members. I have no doubt you will answer honestly and eloquently.
Is it true that Madam Pomfrey is incapable of taking a step without bustling? In many fanfics, it seems like she bustles every time she makes a move. Is this due to some sort of physical deformity or curse that everyone is too polite to mention? Molly Weasley appears to suffer from the same problem.
What are your fellow Heads of House like? People seem to think Professor Sprout is soft and nurturing, but we never see that in the books. The characteristics of Hufflepuff House are hard work and loyalty, not softness, warmth, or sentimentality. Sprout is loyal to her own House, but I'll bet she's a tough cookie to everyone else. No one should mess with badgers.
How old is Professor Flitwick? Fanfic writers seem to think he's old and grey-bearded, but JKR never tells us. He could be older than Dumbledore or younger than you. How tall is he? I'm 4'10"; is he as tall as me? Personally I think anyone over five feet is too tall, but I'm willing to make exceptions for brilliant and sexy Potions Masters.
Is Professor McGonagall really "strict but fair"? You'd think if she were she would have done more to stop the Marauders from bullying you. Or was that all Dumbledore protecting his Manly Little Gryffindors? People have the impression that McGonagall is tough, but she seems to fall apart pretty easily when Dumbles isn't around. What's with that?
How many of the staff members are married? Do spouses live at Hogwarts, or do they keep their own establishments? Commuting would be easy with floos and apparition, and only Heads of House need to be at the school all the time. The other teachers don't really need to be shut up in that castle twenty-four hours a day like a bunch of monks and nuns.
Finally, is it true that Irma Pince is really Eileen Prince in disguise?
Very Small Prophet
Yes, it's true. She bustles whenever she moves do to the fact that one of her legs in merely a peg. You see, she spent many years as a pirate, and lost a leg and an eye. After she eventually came to the side of good she became a healer, but her injuries had been dead for too long to be cured. So she got a glass eye to replace the patch and hides the wooden peg beneath her robes. Molly Weasley was her First Mate.
Sprout is extremely gruff and rather strict, although she's gentle with her more…fragile students. She is a "tough cookie" indeed.
He is in his mid to late thirties, and is roughly two feet, six and a half inches.
Minerva is not particularly tough and does indeed tend to shatter without Big Manly Dumbledore for her to bat her eyes at. I have no idea why, although I assume she has some sort of horrible trauma in her past. All teachers here do, otherwise they wouldn't be teaching here.
She's strict… except when she bends the rules for her students. She's fair… unless Slytherins are involved.
Only two that I know are married, and they have what you might call long distance marriages. They seem to feel writing every few days is contact aplenty. Most teachers are shut up twenty-four hours a day, although you'd hardly call them monks and nuns if you saw what went on in the staff room.
Finally, no, Eileen Prince has been dead for years.
Now remember guys, send our dear Snapie lots and lots of letters! Hugs and kisses and Pixy Stix, guys!