No, I haven't left "The Retreat" for dead. Life just REALLY sucks right now and the fact there's only one measly chapter standing in the way of completion makes it worse. Working on that! (This will be the first and last time I make anyone wait so long. Scouts honor.)

Wrote this one a LOOONG time ago and never thought I would actually post it. But, I figured what the hell right? It's just a silly, pretty OOC, fun, little one-shot. Especially for those of you that know who the gothic magician Criss Angel is. And it gets it off my desktop so YAY! Thanks to vickithevillian and KittyBits for finally talking me into posting it. :)

And can I just say that this season is totally rocking Gubler-scale socks so far?


The team was finally playing catch up with paperwork for a week after a month of back to back cases. Normally, this might frustrate Prentiss and Morgan who loved the action and Reid who enjoyed the challenge of a complicated case, but they were all pretty exhausted from the constant travel and the endless horrors.


"Reid?" Morgan asked.


"Need a refill?" He questioned, pointing to his cup.

"Oh, yes, please." Spencer smiled sweetly.

"Alright. One cup of sugar with two tablespoons of coffee coming right up." He teased with a wink.

The taller agent glowered playfully at the older who ruffled his hair.

Spencer was in the middle of typing up a report when an incoming message popped up from Garcia. He frowned but clicked on it.

'Hey boy genius. Have you heard of this guy?' -PG

There was a link. Spencer clicked on it and was immediately sent to a web page for some gothic looking guy by the name of Criss Angel.

"Why would I have heard of him?" He mumbled to himself, eyes scanning the page. "Wow." He said clicking on another link.

"What is it?" Prentiss questioned.

"Look at this" He replied, eyes transfixed on the screen.

Prentiss came around for a gander as Morgan was walking back from the break room. He joined them wondering what had the genius in such a state of awe.


Morgan and Prentiss were sitting at their desks chatting amiably as it was only five past. Derek glanced at Spencer's empty seat and checked his watch.

"Where's Reid? He's never late."

"Ah, he probably stopped to get coffee from his favorite place up the street." Prentiss assured him.

Just then, Reid appeared bags under his eyes and a large coffee in his hand.

"Pretty Boy! What the hell? Did you have a late night? You go out for a little sumthin' sumthin' or are the porn sites just that entertaining these days?" Derek razzed with a wiggle of his brow.

"I was up late reading up on a new topic. A personal interest." He says matter-of-factly.

"So porn then." Derek smirked.

Reid glared at him.

"My bad, even if you ever had your hands on a Playboy you probably really would only read the articles. Man, if I wasn't afraid of the answer I might ask what a guy like you is into when he wants to…"

"If you must know, I was looking into that magician Criss Angel." Reid interrupted before his sex life, or lack thereof, could fall under anymore scrutiny.

"Oh wow Reid, I didn't know androgynous looking dudes did it for ya. It's the whole slide of hand thing huh." Morgan grinned, making obscene gestures with his hand as Prentiss laughed.

"It's sleightof hand and, no. He's just a very talented illusionist." Reid huffed, a bit flushed.

"What's the big deal?" Morgan asked.

"He performs in Las Vegas and, as you've seen, he's phenomenal…"

"So this guy is some David Copperfield what?" Prentiss asked.

"Oh no, he's so much better." Reid said, opening a new link on his computer to share.


Morgan sat back between files to stretch when he noticed Reid looking particularly focused on his computer screen. Big, hazel eyes alight with the glow of the monitor, bottom lip sucked in between his teeth just so. He had earphones in and after studying him for a minute, Derek waved his hand in front of him.

"Yeah?" Reid asked, slightly annoyed, his now-freed lip a delicious shade of red.

"Whatcha so focused on?"

"Oh, I was just watching a documentary on some of Criss Angel's earlier work." Reid replied, eyes gleaming.

Derek instantly tensed as the young genius had already gone on about the man for the last two days non-stop. He wondered if he hadn't been so far off base yesterday with Reid having a fettish for the guy.

"He's been doing magic since he was six years old!"

"That's great." Derek said, words dripping with sarcasm.


"Did you know he's the first consecutive five time recipient for magician of the year? He also won the Louie Award for outstanding achievement in the art of magic!"

"No. Can't say I did." Derek replied with obvious disinterest.

"He's the first to ever.."


"No, wait, you gotta hear this…..."


Derek walked into the bullpen and noticed Reid sitting at his desk engrossed in a book.

*Thank God. Maybe we can actually go a day without hearing about his new obsession.*

"What ya readin' kid?"

It was a dangerous question, Derek knew, but he would gladly listen to anything not pertaining to some pansy-ass gothic magician at this point.

"Oh, it's called Secret Revelations." He beamed.

"When did you start reading self help books?"

"It's not. It's a look behind the scenes of "Mindfreak" and delves into Criss Angels magic and the psychology of.."

Derek's eye twitched as he slumped down in his chair trying desperately to tune out his co-worker. It was going to be another painfully long day and he knew he couldn't take much more of this shit.


Morgan walked in in a foul mood. He really wanted the week to be over already. He tossed his stuff down and let out a frustrated sigh.

"What's wrong with you?" Prentiss asked, eyebrows raised.

"Nothing." He grumbled.


"I'm just in no mood to go through another day confined to this desk with mountains of paperwork listening to how spectacularly special Mr. Wonderful is. Hell, it's not like the guy cures cancer. Or takes down bad guys for that matter."

"Jealous?" Prentiss smirked.

"Of what?"

"Reid's hero worship over someone else."

"Oh what, like you aren't sick of hearing it?"

"Oh no, I am. Even brought my I-pod and a snack so I don't have to worry about moving from this spot and accidently making eye contact."

"I don't see the big deal anyway. Anyone with a nice set of abs and a few card tricks can be famous these days. Maybe if I took down unsubs shirtless in tight leather pants I would get my own fan site too."

"If you came to work shirtless in leather pants, I'm pretty sure everyone, unsub or not, would just go down FOR you." Prentiss winked.

Derek grinned.

"Even Reid." She added with a nudge, effectively wiping the smile off her co-workers face.

Before he could retort, Spencer showed up with a hop in his step and a satisfied smile.

"What's up with you little Einstein?" Garcia asked, pinching his cheek as she neared. "If I didn't know any better I would say someone had a very good evening." She winked.

Derek peered up from his desk.

"I'm just excited. It's so cool. I'm going to Las Vegas January twelfth. I was up past midnight waiting, but I scored tickets to a Criss Angel performance!"

"Oh. That's great sweet cheeks." She said with feigned enthusiasm, feeling the familiar glares she'd received from the rest of the team all week.

"I bought two. I thought you might want to go since you introduced me to him." He said brightly.

"Um, maybe hon. I'll check my calendar." She assured him as she met Derek's accusing stare.

"He's amazing, his illusions are seamless! He's drawn a following larger than Blain and Copperfield combined!"

Derek propped his elbows on his desk and squeezed his eyes shut rubbing his temples.

"In August, he made it into the Guinness Book of World Records when he actually made one hundred people disappear at once! He chose the people completely at random and.."

"Enough!" Morgan screamed. "I swear to God Reid, if you say his name one more time I'm going to bend you over that desk and make something of my own disappear!"

Hotch and JJ looked up from the file they were discussing outside his office, Rossi choked on the coffee he was sipping as he headed to his, Prentiss covered her mouth to stifle a shocked gasp, Garcia stood with a glazed look as if visualizing the threat in graphic detail, and Reid sat looking at him unblinking. Suddenly, his eyes narrowed and he leaned forward.

"Criss. Angel." He said, a slow, devious smile adorning his pouty lips.

Derek pushed up from his chair, stalking around the desks toward him.

Emily gawked.

Penelope squealed.

Hotch yelled a warning.

And Spencer grinned wickedly as he was yanked from his chair and dragged into the bathroom, door slammed and locked behind them.

It took a while before everyone came out of their stupefied shock.

"Was that…I mean he was kidding…right?" Rossi asked wide-eyed.

"Of course he was." Hotch assured, not actually sounding sure.

"Then why haven't they come…out?" Garcia gulped.

Rushing to the bathroom door, they listened intently and heard muffled sounds resonating from within. Rossi tried the door despite the fact he knew it was bolted. He called out to the men in the room saying enough was enough that the joke was over. Then…a scream…a loud bang. Hotch pounded on the door demanding it be opened. Just when he finally stepped back in preparation to kick the door in, the dead bolt clicked and Morgan came out zipping his fly. He considered everyone with a smug expression and crossed the bullpen to his desk. When their eyes drifted back to the bathroom, Reid came out walking funny, hair disheveled, shirt half un-tucked.

"Reid? Are you okay?" Hotch asked.

"Mmmm." He answered with a lazy smile.

"What happened?" Emily asked, concern evident in her voice.

"Magic." He replied deliriously, staggering back to his desk.


And just like that, with a wave of Derek's…wand, Criss Angel disappeared.

Hope you liked that little crack-ish intermission. If not, I apologize. It is old. But I certainly remember giggling when writing it. :)

BTW, our beloved team is up for a People's Choice award and you can vote as many times as you want at Peopleschoice (dot) com!