A/N: I'm sorry in advance for this. I was extremely candid in one review that I left, and that person knows about the emotional funk I'm truly in right now. This is what comes out of said funk. I apologize again.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Maybe if I did, I'd…never mind…
Logan Mitchell wasn't sure what caused it though if he were to hazard a guess, it wasn't one solitary thing, but an accumulation of several little things. Finally though, mercifully, Logan reached his breaking point. He fingered the brochure in his hand. It was his way out…potentially.
Logan never told anyone about how he was feeling because quite frankly, hearing him say it to himself, it sounded rather petty. He was convinced that in the unlikely event that he actually were to go to someone, they would just dismiss anything he had to say, and tell him that he was being ridiculous. So, Logan said nothing; absolutely nothing at all.
The absolute worst part was that everyone who was hurting him was oblivious to the fact that they were hurting him to begin with. How would they know anything was wrong unless they were told so? On the flip side, even if they were told, would they even listen? Logan wasn't so sure.
"Please give a warm welcome to Kendall, James, Carlos, and Logan. Big Time Rush!"
Why was his name last? What? Was he somehow less important than Kendall, James, and Carlos? Apparently that must be the case because why else would Logan's name be tacked on at the end as if he was some sort of afterthought. Heck, even if they mentioned him third once in awhile, maybe it wouldn't be so bad!
"Wayne Wayne's going to kick one of us out," Carlos stated.
"My money's on Logan," James chimed in.
Yes, Logan remembered that day like it was yesterday. To this day, James' words still sliced through Logan's heart like a hot knife through butter. You know what the worst part was? James never even apologized to Logan for what he said.
"Wayne Wayne's trying to kick Kendall out of the band!" Logan exclaimed.
"Huh. I would've bet on Logan," Gustavo commented.
Logan had long since given up trying to impress Gustavo; trying to be good enough for Gustavo. Anyone with eyes could see that Kendall was Gustavo's favorite, and James wasn't too far behind either. All one had to do was look at who got the most solos. All one had to do was look at who got to sing lead more often.
"You can't sing or dance!" Gustavo said to Logan.
For all Logan knew, Gustavo still felt that way about him. He certainly has never told him otherwise. The more Logan thought about it, the more he realized that it would explain why more often than not, he's in the back for the choreography. It would explain why the one song where he got to sing most of the leads, where he got most of the solos, "Intermission," was cut from Big Time Rush's upcoming second album.
"So you kicked Kendall out of the band? My money was on Logan," Griffin said into the microphone so Logan could hear.
Griffin just had to make sure Logan heard too, didn't he? As little confidence as Gustavo had in Logan, Griffin had even less. Maybe in some twisted way it was all some sort of payback for "breaking" his daughter's, Mercedes Griffin's, heart.
"Hey buddy, James, Carlos, and I are going out to the movies. Can you do our homework for us while we're gone?" Kendall asked.
Cheating went against Logan's ethics, but what choice did he have? If he refused, then the others probably wouldn't want to be friends with him anymore. Then, Logan really would be as alone as he felt pretty much all the time since breaking up with Camille.
"I'm hungry. Make me a sandwich. You know how I like it," Carlos said.
Logan hated how he was their personal chef when Mrs. Knight wasn't around. Logan was well aware that he was on the bottom of the totem pole. There was no need for the rest of them to constantly remind him of that with their words and actions.
"Dude, there's no way she was hitting on you. She was obviously flirting with me," James commented.
Logan tolerated James' narcissistic, arrogant, self-absorbed attitude, but he certainly wasn't fond of it. In James' mind, he was God's gift to women. Who wants a hamburger when you can have a steak instead?
"There's no Big Time Rush without James!" Katie whined.
Notice how the same couldn't be said about Logan. After all, Logan doesn't contribute much to Big Time Rush other than harmonies, and a tenor voice that gets drowned out by the three other members of the band anyways. Heck, Big Time Rush could probably become a three-member band and no one will even know the difference!
Logan could shed a tear over this no longer. Not because it didn't break his heart, but because he was tired of crying his eyes out until he fell asleep each and every night. He was tired of locking himself in his bedroom or in the bathroom for hours at a time bawling. Surely the others had to have heard him, but did they say anything to him? No. Did they comfort him? No. They did nothing but let him cry.
That's why it was Logan who went to Miss Collins and asked her about some of the best prep schools that could get Logan into medical school as far away from California as possible. It was high time that Logan put himself first; went after his dreams. He completely abandoned his dream of being a doctor in order to help James' dream of becoming a pop star come true, and James never uttered a word of thanks to any of them.
Logan didn't even bother saying goodbye to anyone. Saying goodbye meant that you would miss them. Saying goodbye meant that you cared about them. Neither of those things applied to Logan. Not anymore. And why should he if they weren't going to miss him? If they didn't care about him? So he just left without a word, a note, anything.
"Hello! How may I help you?" the receptionist at the airport asked.
"Yeah, I'd like to purchase a one-way ticket to Providence," Logan replied in a voice so void of emotion that it nearly sounded robotic.
"That will be three hundred dollars."
The truth of the matter was Logan had been planning his escape for quite some time now. He had everything carefully planned out. His mother sent him his $20 allowance every week. He set back a little here and a little there, and before long, he had enough for an airplane ticket out of here.
Logan felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. Reluctantly, he pulled it out. He looked at the 32 missed calls, the 89 text messages with soulless, unfazed eyes. They were trying. He had to give them that much. They were too little too late though. There would be no stopping him now.
"You'll be on flight 2011 departing from Gate 32F at 7:50," the receptionist said.
It was rather ironic. Gate 32F. 32 like the number of missed calls Logan had on his cell phone. Flight 2011. 2011, which was the year when Logan took control of his own destiny for the first time in a long time.
Logan had no luggage. He had no carry-ons. He left all of his belongings back at The Palm Woods. It was all part of the ruse. If none of Logan's stuff was missing, then maybe they wouldn't even know that Logan himself was missing. It was better this way though. He could always buy new stuff in Providence. It would be a fresh start for him, and Logan didn't want to have anything with him that might remind him of his past life.
Every second, every minute that passed, Logan looked over his shoulder to see if someone, anyone, showed up to try and stop him. Even though he didn't want to be stopped, in the unlikely event that someone did show up to stop him, at least it would show that they cared; at least it would prove him wrong, and oh how Logan wanted to be proved wrong.
Logan had forgotten what it felt like to smile. He hadn't felt genuinely happy in he didn't even know how long. All he knew was that it had been a really long time. Sometimes he would put on an act like everything was okay. Other times, he wouldn't even bother doing that. It didn't matter what he did or didn't do though. Nothing changed. Nothing ever changed.
When Logan looked back on the two years he had been in Los Angeles, the only thought that came to mind was what a colossal waste of time that was. Two years! 730 days! What did he have to show for it? Big Time Rush still wasn't a household name yet. No one asked him for his autograph.
"Aren't you from Big Time Rush?" a pre-teen girl asked.
"Yes I am," Logan answered.
"Could you get me James' autograph?"
Logan was sick of it all. He was sick of everything and everyone. It was truly terrifying how he had no idea what awaited him in the future, but one thing was for sure; things simply could not stay the way they were.
He felt his phone vibrate in his hand again. He hadn't even bothered to put his phone back in his pocket after the last time. As for this time, he didn't even bother looking at the screen. It didn't matter who was calling him or texting him.
"Logan!" came a shout. He was certain someone had called his name.
Logan clamped his hands over his ears and repeatedly shook his head. No! He was too close! He was imagining things! This couldn't be happening! Not now! Logan mustered up something in himself that he thought he had long since lost, courage, and forced himself to look up. He scanned the myriad faces around him for someone that he recognized. All he could see were strangers.
"They're not coming," Logan said aloud at the same time a voice in the back of his head screamed it at him.
He made it through security without incident. He patiently waited in a seat at the gate without incident. Logan realized that he had left his cell phone in a tub back at security, but he couldn't be bothered to go and retrieve it. He could buy a new one of those too in Providence. It was better this way. No one from his past would be able to contact him which suited Logan just fine because he didn't want to be contacted.
"Now boarding Flight 2011," a receptionist announced over the intercom.
Logan rose from his seat. Soon, he was getting on the airplane. The next thing he knew, the plane was taking off from the runway. Logan gazed out the window, watching LAX below him fade into nothingness. He didn't say goodbye to Los Angeles either.