A/N: Just for the record, I love Where The Wild Things Are. However, I've learned that if you love something enough, you can learn to laugh at it, as well. ;)
DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything.
WARNING: Strong language ahead.
Once upon a time, there was this kid named Max. He lived with his bitchy sister and his workaholic mother in a house that was in some lame-ass non-identifiable neighborhood in the state of Who-Gives-A-Fuck. Max was lonely. But like the state's namesake, no one really cared.
So one day, Max was building a snow fort/igloo thing (and eating the snow in the process). Um, ew! Doesn't he know what happens to snow on the ground? Good Lord, does he wanna get worms? But, whatever, he was building this kick-ass fort, and he wanted his bitch sister to come see it. So he was all, "Hey, bitch! Get your ass out here and see my fort!" And she was all, "Hell no! I'm on the phone, motherfucker! Go play with your dumbass friends!"
Well, this pissed off Max. Everyone knows he doesn't HAVE any friends. So he vowed revenge! (insert lightning bolts and thunder claps)
So Bitchy's friends showed up in their Cash-For-Clunkers-piece-of-shit car, and Max got a brilliant idea! He snuck over to his house and AMBUSHED THEM WITH SNOWBALLS! Oh, no!
So the idiot teenagers went into combat, but Max retreated to his snow fort. And then they landed on top of it, practically killing Max with their fat asses.
Well, Max was upset. He started to cry. And the teenagers did nothing about it. They just went back to their shitty car. And Bitchy just looked at her brother, and got in the shitty car. And then they drove off.
Max wouldn't stand for this! There was only one thing he could do: trash that bitch's room! Yeah! Get it all soaked and shit! That'll teach her to piss him off!
But then Max felt...bad. He was sorry he'd trashed her room. So he went and pouted for a while.
Then his mom came home and was all, "How was your day?"
And he was all, "It sucked. Bitchy's minions wrecked my snow fort. And she didn't stop them, the fucking bitch."
And she was all, "Oh, is that all? Wow, you need a life, son of mine who's strangely swearing without my consent."
And then Max was feeling EVEN WORSE about what he'd done, so he showed his mom Bitchy's ruined room. And she was all, "What the fuck is this? Why would you do this, you little shit? Dammit, you're a fucking moron!"
So they cleaned up the room with towels. FUCKING TOWELS. Yeah, they didn't use Bounty, the quilted quicker-picker upper. What the hell is this, Spike Jonze?
Anyway, later that night, Max went to bother his mom while she was working on her dinosaur of a computer. Then they wrote an emo vampire story together, and published it, and it put Twilight out of business.
The next day at school, all the snow was magically gone. Yeah, there was, what, two fucking feet of snow one day, and then the next, it's all gone. What, did Aslan come and make the snow go away? What the fuck?
Max was really scared, because his hippy teacher was all, "Yeah, the sun's gonna die, and we're all gonna die. Just sayin'." And Max was all, "Why are you telling me this, motherfucker? I'm nine! I don't need to hear this shit!"
But the damage was done. Max built a fort that night in order to save himself. And he was all, "Mom! Come look at the kick-ass fort I made!" And she was all, "Shut up! My man whore's over right now, and I'm paying attention to him!"
Max got even more pissed off, so he put on his wolf suit (yeah...his wolf suit...I don't get it, either) and went downstairs to raise some hell.
He dissed the dinner his mom was making, and then he refused to get his sorry little ass off the counter. And the mom was all, "What the hell? Get off the damn counter!" And Max was all, "Bitch, feed me!"
So they chased each other around the house, and Max bit her. And she was all, "Motherfucker, that hurt! You're fucking out of control, you little ass!"
And Max was sad. So he ran away.
He thrashed around because he was crazy, but then he found a boat! A fucking boat, out in the middle of nowhere! What the hell, was this kid high or something? Whatever, he got in and sailed away. He was on that boat for WEEKS. And he was BORED.
But then he saw land, and tied his boat to a rock. And then he scaled a dangerously-tall cliff and almost died. And then he finally found something cooler that would make his life fucking awesome.
But I can't tell you yet. You'll have to read the next part to figure it out!