Written for a prompt on naruto_meme's November what-if meme. What if Gaara. . .were a girl?

Not in chronological order. /Also manga spoilers. :D

In Solidarity to All the Hopeless Romantics in the World


Gaara is a pouty, presumptous thing as a child.

So her sand whiplashed a few guys and eviscerated them. Big deal.

She's not sure why the ointment Yashamaru-jii gave her isn't working on their wounds.


So this giant clay bird flies into Sunagakure.

Gaara almost flees gleefully from the office to do her kazekage-ly duties.

Totally worth it. That giant clay bird has a blonde bombshell on its back.

"So you're the Shukaku's jinchuuriki, un. I wasn't expecting such a punk."

So rages forth the battle of the century.


Kankurou has this to say about Gaara's gourd of sand:

"You know it's like intimidating, you know. It's like a phallic representation of your power. It's about as bad as you being Kazekage. Guys don't dig that sort of shit, little sis."

Gaara has a stack of D-rank missions to which no one else need apply.


Temari is, quite frankly, fucking terrified of her eleven-year-old sister. Justifiably so.

She spends as little time in their hotel room as possible. Avoids being in a fifty-foot radius of her most times, honestly.

Gaara comes back from spying on Uchiha Sasuke: in one of Temari's meshy-leg-bearing jumpers; a smear of lipstick(?); and a set of clip-earrings Temari had never seen in her life.

She didn't say anything. But she was slightly disappointed that night when the corner fortune-teller's cart said OUT TO LUNCH.


So Temari told Gaara on their superfast run to the kage summit, that it might be an opportunity to meet a guy on her own level.

She regretted mentioning this the next morning when Gaara produced a used condom that may have once sheathed a moose. "Raikage-dono said I could have it as a parting gift."

Someday I'd like to write a much more fleshed-out story. But, alas I am monstrously lazy.