ROLW: CotHK Rewrite

Episode 4

What a Dragon

(The army of King Kashue is leaving Blade, surrounded by a shouting crowd)

Parn: Ah, how wonderful it is to be supported by a loving populace. Hey, how nice! They're throwing fruit to us!

Deedlit: I think they're actually throwing it AT us. (Gets hit with a mushy tomato) Ewww!

Angry Crowd Guy: You suck, Kashue!

Another Angry Guy: Legalize pipeweed!

Protestor: Embrace our reptilian friends! Peace with Shooting Star!

Kashue: Damn hippies! (gets hit by a rutabaga) TAXES ARE GOING UP FOR THIS!

Narrator: At the Temple of Myrii, King Kashue is told about Ashram's visit and Hobb's defection.

Kashue: You say Priest Hobb joined Ashram? This is terrible!

Priest: It gets worse. He graffitied the walls, "Ashram rulez, Kashue droolz!!" and "Flaim suXors!!!"

Kashue: I should have suspected something was up when I got that note from him asking for a preemptive pardon for high treason.

(The army rides out into the desert)

Parn: Finally, we're off to destroy Shooting Star.

Deedlit: Would you stop saying that every six minutes?

(Shiris rides up between them)

Shiris: (eyes are hearts) Byeeee, Parnie! Good luck with your dragon!

Parn: Shiris! What are you doing here?

Shiris: Oh, I just rode eight miles out of the way to say goodbye to my man.

Parn: Really? Where is he?

Shiris: You're so silly! (blows kiss)

(Meanwhile Deedlit is blowing steam from her ears)

Parn: Deed, is there something bothering you?

Deedlit: Gee, Mr. Perceptive, what clued you in?

Parn: What could be wrong?

Deedlit: (coldly) Oh, nothing. It just seems I'm allergic to clueless losers.

Parn: Gee, I'm sorry, Deed. It must have been trying traveling so far with Cecil.

Cecil: (off in the distance) I HEARD THAT!

Narrator: Back in Blade, the l33t strike force led by Orson is preparing to head out.

Slayn: We must now set out to Blue Dragon Island to destroy Abram and gain the Scepter of Domination, giving me the power to rule all of Lodoss, nay, the entire WORLD! AH HA HA HA HA HA HAAAA!

(Everyone stares at Slayn)

Slayn: Oh wait. Am I one of the good guys?

Leylia: Yes, dear.

Slayn: Drat!

Shiris: Well, Orson, you're the leader. What should we do now?

Orson: (thinks for a couple minutes) I dunno.

Slayn: I knew you'd be an excellent replacement for Parn.

Orson: (thinking) Must…control…urge…to kill…wise guy…

Narrator: On the high seas, a band of scurvy pirate dogs, flying a Marmo flag, plunders and pillages!

(stock footage of pirates, cannons, explosions, old women applauding)

(In their secret hideout, Ashram's Marmo crew is celebrating their recent plunder)

Crew: (singing) Fifteen men on a dead man's che-est, Yo Ho Ho and a bottle o' –

Lookout: Ashram's coming! Quick, everyone look busy!

Ashram: (enters) Ah, Captain. I've been hearing some rumors – and you must understand I give them no credence – that you and your crew may be, when you are free from official duties, indulging in… (pauses) …piracy.

Crew: (shocked) SHIVER ME TIMBERS!!

Bloth: Arrrrr! Some landlubber's bin spreadin' lies about us!

Long John Silver: We'll have the weasel walk the plank, if'n we find him!

Ashram: I thought as much. No noble Marmo crew would ever resort to piracy. Isn't that correct, Captain?

Captain Hook: You have my word, Lord Ashram, that Captain James S. Hook will NEVER be called a pirate!

Ashram: I cannot believe you said that with a straight face.

(Ashram meets with his party of mercenaries and mages)

Ashram: So, the plan is to sail to Blue Dragon Island and slay the dragon Abram, thus obtaining the Scepter of Domination.

Astar: Do we really have to kill him? It's such a waste of a perfectly good evil monster.

Groder: Perhaps not. Dragons can be reasoned with, under certain circumstances.

Ashram: And which circumstances would these be?

Groder: Um… Or was that vampires? Yes, vampires can be reasoned with. Not dragons.

Hobb: (rolls eyes)

(Suddenly a disembodied voice is heard)

Voice: Groder! I must speak with you at once!

(Everyone stares at Groder)

Voice: Groder! Immediately!

Groder: (Embarrassed) Excuse me. I have to go, um, to the, um, bathroom. Yes, that's it! The bathroom. Not a secret meeting with my true master, just the bathroom.

Ashram: (trying to be sarcastic) Go then, and try not to flush yourself down the toilet!

(Groder exits)

Hobb: I don't trust Groder. That dark sorcerer has some ulterior motive or hidden purpose or something.

Ashram: Gee, what tipped you off?

Hobb: …

Ashram: (not sarcastic) No really, what tipped you off? I had no idea Groder was up to something.

Hobb: (Sweatdrops)

(Meanwhile, in the bathroom…)

Groder: (kneeling) What is thy bidding, my master?

Wagnard: (in Marmo) Oh knock that off, Groder! It was funny the first couple of times, but now it's just lame.

Groder: Sorry.

Wagnard: So, how is Ashram doing?

Groder: I believe he suspects your involvement in his affairs.

Wagnard: Really? But how?

Groder: You mean besides your disembodied voice booming across the room?

Wagnard: That could have been any disembodied voice!

Groder: (sighs) Well, we're off to Blue Dragon Island.

Wagnard: Good! Be sure to get the Soul Crystal Plot Device, I mean Ball.

Groder: Ok, whatever. Talk to you later.

Wagnard: So long. (Groder breaks the connection.) Ha! The Soul Crystal doohickey is the first step in the resurrection of Kardis, goddess of destruction! When Kardis returns, all of Lodoss will be utterly destroyed, and more importantly I will never have another lonely Saturday night watching syndicated science fiction! Muahahahaha! (more evil laughter)

Narrator: Meanwhile, Orson's l33t strike force has reached the city of Raiden, where they attempt to get passage aboard a ship to Blue Dragon Island. Unfortunately, all the crews are too afraid of pirates.

(Later, in a local tavern…)

Shiris: I can't believe we couldn't get a ship! All because of those stupid pirates.

Cecil: Of course it had nothing to do with your threatening to decapitate the harbormaster, Shiris.

Shiris: I did offer to sleep with him, first.

Cecil: Slut!

Shiris: Bitch.

Cecil: WHY YOU-

Slayn: Easy, Cecil. What we need to do is focus on our next move.

Shiris: I think we should go after the pirates ourselves!

Maar: Excuse me, I heard someone mention "pirates".

Cecil: What the hell are you?

Maar: I'm a meadow sprite! It's like a cross between an elf and a hobbit, only more annoying. I'm from Alecrast.

Everyone: (jumping up in anger) ALECRAST?!

Maar: …but I left because I hated it and everyone who lives there!

Leylia: That's ok, then.

Maar: Anyway, I know where the pirates live, and if you pay me gold, I can show you.

Shiris: See! Isn't this just perfect? I'm sure that if Parn were here, he'd attack the pirates!

Orson: Yes, it is what Parn would do. But it's still a good idea. The pirates know that no group our size would be crazy enough to attack them, as we would not stand a chance and be completely slaughtered. So they won't expect an attack.

Slayn: This is just what Parn would do! Which is why Leylia and I will wait for you here.

Orson: Then it's decided.

Shiris: Orson, I bet you're doing this just because you're jealous of Parn! Ooh, I just love it when guys are going crazy over me!

Deedlit: (hundreds of miles away) SKANK!

Narrator: Elsewhere, King Kashue's army advances towards the hunting grounds of Shooting Star.

Parn: Deedlit, why did you just scream "Skank" at the top of your lungs?

Deedlit: Oh, just thinking of someone.

(They reach a burned village. Ashes and bones are everywhere)

Deedlit: Oh, this is awful!

Parn: Shooting Star must be destroyed!

Kashue: Actually, this is just the remnants of the villagers' last barbecue.

Deedlit: But those are HUMAN bones!

Kashue: Yeah. Damn cannibals. Anyway, we will make our attack here, in memory of those so messily devoured while in the process of devouring others!

Narrator: Back in the city of Raiden, the others are… sleeping.

(We see Cecil and Maar sprawled in their beds, drooling. Orson is awake.)

Shiris: (talking in her sleep) Oh Orson, give it to me! Oh yes! Harder! Oh baby! Orson! ORSON!

Orson: (looking at Shiris) A pity I cannot feel true lov-

Narrator: (interrupting) Isn't this pushing the limits on our PG-13 rating?

Me: Just stick to the script.

Narrator: Make me.

Me: Wiseass!

Narrator: No really, make me! You're the one writing this, after all.

Me: Actually, I'm not writing this. I'm a self-insertion of the author into the story. Thus, I don't actually have any true control of the story, being a part of it myself.

Orson: Look, I'm as fascinated by this metaphysical discussion as the next guy, but could we get back to the story?

Narrator: (ignoring him) Ah, I see! So you are merely an avatar of the essentially omnipotent writer into our textual universe.

Me: Not exactly. I'm more of a character explicitly identified with the author, though my actual being and nature is purely textual and thus wholly separate from the "real" author.

Orson: (really irritated) You two are ticking me off!

Narrator: So what am I, then? An omniscient entity broadcasting comments for the edification of our readers?

Orson: (starts his transformation) GRRRRAAAAAUUUGH!!!

Me: Oh, now look what you've done!

Narrator: Hey, you're the one writing this!

Me: (sigh)

(Orson's eyes turn white and giant green muscles burst out of his clothes. He brings his hands up ready to smash Shiris.)

Orson: …must…resist…

Cecil: (waking up) Hey Orson, what are you doing?

Orson: I'm trying to control my anger to keep from killing Shiris.

Cecil: Oh. You too, huh?

(At the camp of King Kashue…)

Parn: (snoring)

Deedlit: (murmuring)

Kashue: (snoring)

(The camera pans up to show Shooting Star hovering above them)

Shooting Star: (puzzled)

(The camera pans back down to the camp)

Parn: (screaming) Aahh, it's the Red Dragon! He's come to overthrow our capitalistic government and establish a dictatorship of the proletariat! (looks at camera) Get it? "Red" Dragon?

Deedlit: (waking) It's okay, Parn, you're just having a nightmare. Go back to sleep.

Parn: Oh. Okay. (goes back to sleep)

Shooting Star: EXCUSE ME-

Deedlit: Shhh! Can't you see he's trying to sleep?

Shooting Star: BUT-

Deedlit: Shh!

Shooting Star: I-

Deedlit: Quiet!

Kashue: (waking) Deedlit, who are you talking to?

Deedlit: The dragon, he's trying to keep Parn up.

Kashue: (to dragon) Hey, be quiet! Don't you know warriors need 10 hours of sleep every night?

Shooting Star: WELL…

(Kashue and Deedlit go back to sleep)

(A few hours later, the camp has woken and is going about preparations. Suddenly, the lookout, after scanning the sky, ground, north, south, east, and west, checks out the view directly in front of him)

Lookout: IT'S SHOOTING STAR!

Everyone: (gasps)

Shooting Star: (snores)

NEXT EPISODE:

Parn: Oh no, it's the evil Shooting Star! He's come to eat us. Meanwhile, Orson and Shiris walk into a trap! Look out! Ashram's waiting to surprise you, when you least expect it! On the next episode of RoLW Rewrite, One Day From Retirement!

Parn: You better get ready!

Cecil: Will you stop saying that?!