A/N; Welcome to my first ever song fic. Boy did I underestimate writing one. I struggled, but had loads of fun. Writing this has been a very welcoming break from NaNoWriMo! While I was working on my NaNoWriMo story I was listening to some music by the wonderful Leo Kottke. Lost for words, I heard the lyrics to the song "Standing on the outside" properly for the first time. The first thing that came to mind was; Sam & Andy or Dov & Gail. So I decided to go a little tricky on this one. Writing both from Sam's point of view and Dov's point of view. I'm not really able to pinpoint an exact timeframe for this fiction, but it is somewhere in the time where Andy is still with Luke and Gail is with Chris.
It was a real challenge writing this story with 2 POV's. But I needed a break from my NaNoWriMo, so I decided to just go for it. Let me know what you think of it.
Just a small guide to reading this story, as I will be switching POV's on the run as I want both stories to merge and not having to write two different stories.
BOLD = Lyrics
Italic = Epstein
Regular = Swarek
Disclaimer; I do not own Rookie Blue, neither do I own the beautiful "Standing on the outside" by Leo Kottke (Who is a great musician I must say.)
Just my luck to be assigned to the champion of permanent, senseless yapping. Even though McNally's continuing babbling occasionally gets on my nerves, at least she knows when to shut up. Like now would be a good time for Epstein to shut up. The Tylenol and coffee I've taken to fight off the hangover this morning already wearing off. The process was probably quickened thanks to the continuous talk filling the squad car. There was only one way to shut this Rookie up I thought, as I turned up the volume of the radio. The lyrics of the song playing on it hit home in a hard way.
I wonder what's got Swarek all worked up today. He usually isn't that talkative, but this is just ridiculous! He hasn't said a word yet and has only been scowling at me. The bags under his eyes might be the result of a poker night yesterday. Come to think, both Barber and Shaw looked quite similar to Swarek this morning. I'll just keep on talking; he has to answer me at some point. He will have to talk to me eventually, if only just to bark out orders. What is he doing? Now this is just rude! Is he turning up the volume on the radio in the middle of my story about Gail beating me in a computer game? It's a really funny story… Oh wow, this song… It's just… Wow…
I've been on the outside loving you
Seen from far away
Every day that I live for you
All that I do or say
That's just it, am I really on the outside? Every time I think I am entering, she shuts me out. So I think I am on the outside, yeah I'm definitely on the outside. And love? Do I really love her? Me, Sam Swarek? In love? With a doe eyed rookie? Well, she does make my heart beat faster and I do look forward to seeing her each day. But that's not love right? I mean, it's not like I can't imagine life without her. Right?
Oh God, I can't. I can't imagine life without McNally in it. But her being with that douche Callaghan, it's just painful. I thought he would have screwed up by now, but he amazes me. He is keeping tight grips on McNally isn't he? All I can do is keep my distance, stand by and wait till he screws up. Because he will eventually. I'm sure. At least, it's what I keep trying to convince myself to believe.
But I'm the one always there for her when it matters. Picking her up when she's down, putting myself aside or even in danger to save her out of any predicament. I even tell her to patch things up with Callaghan every time they hit trouble, because I just want her to be happy. Everything I do or say, I do it for her.
It hurts every single time. It is painful having the both off them under the same roof as I am. But she is my best friend's girlfriend. I can't go all home-wrecker on them. Chris is happy and enjoying himself. Gail seems to genuinely love him. If only I could get her of my mind once in a while.
It's always hardest after Gail and I have had a great evening. Having fun, playing computer games – Now there is some serious competition! – even mocking Chris' simple character once in a while. But then again, it is that character she loves. His character, not mine. It hurts that she'll go to sleep in his bed after those evenings. If only…
Well at least I get to see her each day. I get to talk to her each day. But for know I'll just have to keep my distance. Geez, life is so frustrating sometimes!
Like the song of the Whippoorwill
Beneath the cloudy skies
Your love stands in front of me
While I go floating by
Why is it that apparently everybody sees it, but her? Even I am starting to see it now. She is not happy with Callaghan, her head is not in that game. And dare I think it? She is in love with somebody else. Me. But every time she gets close to admitting it, she backs away. I wonder what it is she is scared of every day. She needs to figure it out herself and until she does, I will just be her friend. Her friend, gah… But I will wait, wait until she sees that what she is looking for is right in front of her.
Will she ever notice me the way I notice her? Or will I always just be the very annoying roommate, the one she can beat playing stupid computer games, that takes on ridiculous bets and lets her win. Will she ever figure it out? Chris is my best friend and I should not be feeling about his girlfriend like this. I should not…
I'm in deep and it's trouble. I'll just need to zip my mouth shut for once in my life and not yap away like I would usually do. No… Me, myself and I are keeping this very secret!
People talk about how they feel
But I never hear
You know they only want to get along
I only want you near
Isn't it funny how people always seem to pretend like they put everything out in the open? No secrets, not hiding anything especially not feelings. No, one should never hide their feelings. I just never ever hear anybody, and surely not McNally, say how things really are. When it matters, everybody shuts up. Doesn't say a word. "I'm fine." Ugh, how I have started to hate those words.
And I know people only talk nonsense because they want to be friendly, not get on my wrong side. Apparently I haven't been very good company the last couple of months. But hey, what would you do. One day she barges into my house, pins me against the wall, is seriously making out with me. All guards down. And the next she goes up to that pretty boy's love shack, like nothing happened. She even has the nerve to throw a fit at me for not being there for her. Okay, I should not have brushed her off, but still. A man can only handle so much.
I just want her with me. By my side, in my arms, in my house. In my bed. Asleep and not running away.
They say I am the king of mindless yapping, but nobody even sees it's only a cover to prevent people from seeing the real me. A wall, yes a wall it is. Gail is like that too. She has a wall, only she just doesn't say much. Just throws out a snarky comment once in a while. It works though, people do keep their distance.
But I don't want to keep my distance with her. I love those snarky comments, I love sitting next to her on the sofa. Gah… Yup, trouble it is!
Standing on the outside loving you
Can't be so terribly bad
It's awful easy to get along
With what you never had
At least I got to know this great woman, I'm glad she tackled me into her life.
Ugh, no… Did I really just think that? It's not true is it? It is in a way, but things would have been better not knowing I think.
I am the one to always be there and protect her. I can do that, I can show her how much she matters to me through that. At least she wants to be friends. It could have been worse. She could have not wanted me around. So yeah, I guess that what we have now is better than nothing at all. I can work with this and just be there to pick up the pieces when necessary. That moment will come, I'm sure. Callaghan can't keep up the good behaviour forever now can he.
Yup, it is awfully easy to get along with something you never had. Because you just don't know what you are missing. But I believe I do know, because I've already had little bites of it. Almost daily.
Wow, Epstein. He has been quiet for the past couple of minutes. Great! Oh no, he looks like he is on the verge of tears. Now what? God no… Not him too! He looks like a love struck teenager. Do I look like that?
It's just the same as always. I, Dov Epstein being the lovable, brotherly guy. The friend, but never "The more". Nonononoooo, no crying please. Yeah, tears. Just tears. I can keep those back. Tears. Damn it… Swarek's seen me… Or them... Or whatever.
Okay, I'm yapping now. And yes, the mindless yapping is annoying! Even if it is to myself.
But yeah, it's true. It's so incredibly true!