Ode to Odom: A Peter Story

A/N: Stephenie owns Twilight, Summit Ent. owns the movies. SOMEONE begged me to write a fic about Peter that didn't involve gay butt sex with Jasper. This is that story.

….

Not so long ago, in not such a faraway place, there was a nomadic sparkly vampire named Peter. Peter nomadically traipsed around North America, sparkling wherever he went. His sparkles had sparkles. He was indeed a sparkly vampire. One day, during Peter's usual forty-five second dance party in the wilderness, Peter came upon a familiar scent. Then he heard an alarming noise. Footsteps. Someone was in the forest with him! Branches snapped under the mysterious foot of the unknown. Peter ran to hide behind a tree.

"Who goes there?" Peter shouted in fear.

"Peter?" The voice responded. Instantly, Peter came out from behind the tree, recognizing the voice to be his old not gay-sex friend Jasper. Peter's red eyes gazed upon Jasper's golden eyes. There was a moment of awkward tension. Unrequited love? No, but later people would fantasize about the possibility.

"Jasper, old not gay-sex buddy! How ya doin'? I haven't seen you in so long! What are you doing here?"

"Hey, Peter! I've missed not having gay sex with you! I thought I'd come looking for you so that we could not have sex!"

The two were happy as clams to be reunited in a non-sexual manner. All of a sudden, screams were heard from the North, then from the South. Peter wondered if a town was being pillaged. Then, over the crest of the mountain, he saw them.

….

dun dun dun!

Suspense!

….

Chapter 2

The TwiMoms descended onto Peter and Jasper.

"What do we do?" Peter asked his not gay-sex friend Jasper. Before Jasper could respond, the two were attacked from all directions by a mob of TwiMoms.

"Real sparkly vampires! I knew they existed," shouted one in the front.

They all screamed and shouted, and eventually ripped them to pieces.

Peter and Jasper died. So sad.