Ode to Odom: A Peter Story
A/N: Stephenie owns Twilight, Summit Ent. owns the movies. SOMEONE begged me to write a fic about Peter that didn't involve gay butt sex with Jasper. This is that story.
Not so long ago, in not such a faraway place, there was a nomadic sparkly vampire named Peter. Peter nomadically traipsed around North America, sparkling wherever he went. His sparkles had sparkles. He was indeed a sparkly vampire. One day, during Peter's usual forty-five second dance party in the wilderness, Peter came upon a familiar scent. Then he heard an alarming noise. Footsteps. Someone was in the forest with him! Branches snapped under the mysterious foot of the unknown. Peter ran to hide behind a tree.
"Who goes there?" Peter shouted in fear.
"Peter?" The voice responded. Instantly, Peter came out from behind the tree, recognizing the voice to be his old not gay-sex friend Jasper. Peter's red eyes gazed upon Jasper's golden eyes. There was a moment of awkward tension. Unrequited love? No, but later people would fantasize about the possibility.
"Jasper, old not gay-sex buddy! How ya doin'? I haven't seen you in so long! What are you doing here?"
"Hey, Peter! I've missed not having gay sex with you! I thought I'd come looking for you so that we could not have sex!"
The two were happy as clams to be reunited in a non-sexual manner. All of a sudden, screams were heard from the North, then from the South. Peter wondered if a town was being pillaged. Then, over the crest of the mountain, he saw them.
dun dun dun!
The TwiMoms descended onto Peter and Jasper.
"What do we do?" Peter asked his not gay-sex friend Jasper. Before Jasper could respond, the two were attacked from all directions by a mob of TwiMoms.
"Real sparkly vampires! I knew they existed," shouted one in the front.
They all screamed and shouted, and eventually ripped them to pieces.
Peter and Jasper died. So sad.