Beating the Heat
Friendship is Kinky
A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
By Andrew J. Talon
DISCLAIMER:This is a non-profit fan-made work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro. Please support the official release.
Author's Note: I... REGRET... NOTHING!
And once again I must thank my excellent co-writer Friendly Uncle for his continuing contributions to this fic. Go read his stuff!
In addition, I would like to thank LuckyStampede for his contributions to this fic in the arena of brainstorming. He was a lot of help.
Pipsqueak slowly returned to consciousness. He yawned, and blinked his eyes free of sleep. He looked around. He was in his little guest room the palace, snuggled into his very nice bed. Pipsqueak frowned.
"Mm? Weird... I thought I..."
The door opened, and a breakfast tray floated in ahead of Princess Luna. The goddess of night looked pleasant, if a bit frazzled. Pipsqueak beamed happily.
"Good morning, Pipsqueak!" Luna said. "How art thou this morning?" She set the breakfast tray on the bed, and Pipsqueak eagerly took in the delicious spread: His favorite cereal, toast, and some fruit diced into thin slices.
"Great, Princess Luna!" He said. He dug in and munched his way through the cereal first. Luna watched quite patiently.
"I see... Tell me, young Pipsqueak. What does thou remember of yesterday?"
"Mm?" Pipsqueak swallowed his food, as he had been taught by his parents, and thought about it. "I remember us playing pirate, and painting, and playing more pirate, and then you had to leave, and then Mister Stormcrow and his wife came in to play but they were too tired to be any fun..." He smiled cheerfully. "Then there was this light, this wonderful light... And I think I fell asleep, because next thing I knew, I was waking up in bed!"
"Yes," Luna said with a nod and smiled. Pipsqueak frowned.
"What happened, Princess?"
"Well..." Luna sighed and rested a hoof on Pipsqueak's shoulder. "You must understand, Pipsqueak, that you and every other pony in Equestria who was underaged was put to sleep by the usage of the Elements of Harmony. You remember how that felt last time?"
"Right! But... But what did the Elements of Harmony have to be used against? Was it some kind of horrible monster? A demon?" He gasped, and held his hooves to his mouth. "It... It wasn't... Princess Cadence, was it?"
"Who?" Luna asked. Pipsqueak shrugged.
"It... It just came to mind."
"No Pipsqueak, it was a complex threat that you are not yet old enough to be told of," Luna said, stroking his back. "But when you are older, you will understand. I promise." She nuzzled the top of his head, and he giggled cutely. She smiled back at him.
"Now, finish your breakfast. I am going to take you flying."
Pipsqueak frowned. "Aren't my mummy and daddy going to take me home soon?"
"Ah..." Luna tapped her hooves together. "I"m afraid they're a bit delayed. They've been very physically active, you understand."
"Doing what?" Pipsqueak asked, looking a bit unhappy.
"Oh... Something you'll understand when you're older," Luna said, patting his head. At his pout, she smiled. "Don't worry though. At the end of it, you might have a new baby sister!"
"Oh..." Pipsqueak blinked. "So... They were shagging then?"
And poor Luna felt a part of her soul die.
Three days later...
The throne room of the Day Court was... Subdued. Twilight hadn't visited it often, but even on her visits to speak with her beloved mentor there were some guards and courtiers hanging around at all times. Today, through the cracked double doors, Twilight could see there was only Princess Celestia on her throne looking regal as usual.
"Ah, come in my beloved student," Celestia said smoothly. The purple unicorn coughed and entered slowly, her head held down.
"G-Good morning, Princess Celestia," Twilight said softly.
"Good morning," she said cheerfully. Twilight came to a stop before the throne.
"My dear student, please, look up," Celestia said softly. "Don't be ashamed."
"But... But... I lied to everypony," Twilight said miserably. "And I spread the heat to all of Equestria! Think of the chaos! Think of the destruction!"
"Now now, it wasn't that bad," Celestia said. "It only lasted ten minutes. Anypony who was underaged was simply put to sleep." The Princess smiled. "Admittedly, there will be a lot of embarrassment later, but no lasting repercussions." Her smile grew.
"And it seems like some random pairings are going to work out quite well..."
"Come along, my wonderful Prince! Your laziness is enough to make me wince," Zecora said, snapping her walking stick over Blueblood's bottom. He yelped and rolled out of bed.
"Ow! You-You wretched-How dare you strike my royal hindquarters!"
The zebra smirked. "Complaining last night I did not hear, so get up unless you want a bruised rear!"
Prince Blueblood groaned.
"But-but what about the children?" Twilight asked earnestly. Celestia waved her hoof.
"Oh, my dear student. A heat lasting ten minutes isn't enough to get anypony pregnant! As for yourselves, well... There is a heightened possibility but still very low. Conception requires several days of heat to get the body ready," Celestia said gently. She smiled. "Those who were already in heat just got an extra boost."
"It's still... I mean..." She sighed. "I tricked the Doctor. I tricked everypony."
"You did what you had to do," Celestia consoled Twilight. She stepped down from the throne and nuzzled her face. "And I'm sure he doesn't hold it against you. Any of them."
Twilight sighed heavily. "Yes, but... But I just..."
"Now now Twilight. Don't be so hard on yourself. You saved the world." Celestia hummed. "In a very embarrassing way, but you did save the world. You should not forget that."
"I... I won't, Princess," Twilight said. She winced. "This... Will it affect my studies of friendship?"
"I believe it already has," Celestia said with a little smile."After all, I'm receiving letters from all your friends." Quite calmly the Princess held them up. "Believe me, they're giving me a lot to chew on."
Dear Princess Celestia, I learned from this experience that you have to pace yourself. You must be like water. Calm, and relaxed, but strong when you need to be. Thanks to this situation, I have found that I'm not alone when it comes to finding a balance in my life. Especially when it comes to... To... Sex. Well, I still blush when I write it, but I was able to do it!
Fluttershy smiled a little and paused, chewing a little on the quill in her mouth as she considered her next words. Big Macintosh grunted behind her as he moved rhythmically back and forth, a bead of sweat rolling down the side of his face. Fluttershy smiled dreamily and went back to her letter.
It's still pretty scary to push my boundaries sometimes, but with the help of my friends, I'm going to keep pushing! I'm going to find my own pace and keep flowing, whether that means learning when to rein myself in, or learning when to let things out.
Macintosh let out a deep groan, working harder now, and pausing occasionally to flip his dampened mane out of his eyes. Fluttershy's ear twitched and a deep sigh escaped her as her smile turned syrupy and settled into the corners of her mouth. A blush began to rise gently on her buttery cheeks.
And... maybe... one friend in particular can help me more than others. But he's really good at it. He can help me for hours on end if I need him to! ...if he wants to. Because friends ask their friends for help, and if they don't use their hypnotic mind controlling stare powers, sometimes they're pleasantly surprised to find their friends really do want to.
The bed underneath her started to shake as Big Mac worked with all his might. With one final shuddering movement the big stallion raised himself up and then dropped with a groan and a yell. "And that's three hundred!" he gasped as he lolled on the floor, spent and gasping for breath.
"Good job!" Fluttershy cheered quietly from the bed, beaming down at him. "That's a new record for squats, isn't it?"
"Eeyup," groaned Big Mac as he slowly pushed himself back to his hooves, his joints crackling like a series of gunshots. Underneath his bed, Angel glowered and gnawed on an apple, furious at being dragged out of his element and into another male's territory. Big Mac continued to ignore the rabbit, a policy that had served him well thus far. Angel hadn't dared to bother the big pony after his first attempt at performing a flying kick against Big Mac had yielded nothing further than a sprained ankle and a confused stallion.
"Bet ah smell like a whole mess o' hogs," said Big Mac, wiping sweat from his brow. "Better take a shower."
"Have fun," responded Fluttershy, the blush on her cheeks starting to deepen and spread. One of her wings unconsciously rose to smack herself lightly on the flank. "Do you... um... would you like me to... join you?"
Big Mac eyed the sheepishly grinning mare, and a warm but apologetic smile spread across his lips. "Darlin', you're great, but we both know if you join me in there the whole dang house is gonna hear it."
"Oh," Fluttershy's tail laid back down and she nodded. "Okay! I'll finish my letter, then."
"Eeyup," said Big Mac as he headed through Fluttershy's bedroom door. He paused and flicked his short tail upwards, the brush of hair swatting across his own haunch. "Got the afternoon free tomorrow. Don't suppose you wanna do somethin'? I'm up for... oh, anythin'."
"I'm sure I'll think of something," Fluttershy returned smokily, batting her eyelashes. Big Mac threw a wolfish grin over his shoulder and ambled out of the room. Fluttershy giggled to herself before grabbing her quill and going back to her letter.
I've got a lot to learn, but that's great, because it means I get to keep practicing! ...and practicing is a lot of fun! Please say hello to Philomena for me.
Your faithful subject,
Dear Princess Celestia. Even in stressful situations, strangers can prove to be friends. Ah was almost done in by mah fear of intimacy, but Soarin' proved that ya can't judge folks until the chips are down.
"Ohhh, those two again," Applejack grumbled, looking up at the farmhouse window. "They just don't quit."
"Now now, ah remember when ah had mareathons with a herd of stallions," Granny Smith said cheerfully, trotting up slowly next to Applejack. "All of 'em right in a row, happy as can be t' see me..."
"Uh, Granny Smith, ah really don't need to hear this... Again," Applejack said.
"Nonsense! Applebloom was asleep so ah couldn't tell her nothin' about the good ol' days while you was havin' fun at the palace!" Granny said flatly. "Now yer gonna listen, and listen good, since it may be vital fer you t' know now that you've got yerself a gentlecolt caller o' yer own!"
Applejack grimaced. "He ain't mah gentlecolt caller, Granny Smith!"
"Oh? What is he, then?" Granny asked, giving Applejack a deadly stare. Applejack heaved a sigh, unable to figure out how to articulate the situation with Soarin'.
Admittedly, even now it's hard to tell jest where we stand with each other...
She then heard the beating of wings, and looked up.
But even when uncertain, sometimes, ya just gotta trust in those ya don't know too well.
"Hey AJ!" Soarin' greeted cheerfully, fluttering down. "We have that date, remember?"
"Date?" At his wink, Applejack smiled and nodded. "Right! Our date!"
"Now now, what in tarnation is this date business! You didn't tell me nothin'! Who're you anyway?" Granny asked flatly. Soarin' smiled and bowed, his wings fluttering dramatically.
"I'm Soarin', ma'am. Applejack's gentlecolt caller." He looked up and winked. "May I take her out for a spin to show her the sights? A lovely mare like yourself can surely understand a stallion's desire to do that for his mare."
Applejack was about to scowl at Soarin', admonish him for presumption, but the knowing smile he shot her stilled her tongue. She smiled back at him.
"Gentlecolt caller? Ah thought you said he weren't no gentlecolt caller!" Granny huffed.
"Well... Ah... We're jest..." Applejack smiled and extended her hoof to Soarin'. "Datin' right now."
"Right," he said with a smile. "Just... Seeing where it goes."
"Yeah," Applejack said, her cheeks warming.
"Well now..." Granny looked back and forth between them, before smiling. "Ah see." She turned her head to scowl at Soarin. "You had better treat 'er right, ya hear?"
"Yes ma'am," Soarin' said. Granny nodded. She looked to Applejack.
"And if you two make a foal, name it after me!" She said cheerfully. They both blushed.
"Gr-Granny!" Applejack gasped.
"Hee hee hee... Ya know, if yer willin' t' stay a while, ah've got some stories that might help you two out-!"
"Uh, we've got to get going. We're running late," Soarin' said. "Hop on!"
"Right!" Applejack said, swinging her back legs over to sit on top. He flapped his wings hard, and the two ascended up and over the trees. Applejack held on tightly, and sighed in his ear.
"Thank you for rescuing me," Applejack said earnestly. Soarin' chuckled.
"Now you owe me two rescues."
Applejack smirked. "Now hold yerself a moment! Ah didn't need savin' that one time! If anythin' you owe me!"
"I say yanking you out of water counts as a save!" Soarin' argued. Applejack snorted.
"Not if ah jump into it willingly! Ah'm the one who's saved you more!"
"I saved you just now!"
Because sometimes, we all need a hero. Even me.
Applejack flushed, and hugged his neck. "... Yeah..." She grinned. "But ah'm still ahead."
Soarin' laughed. "We'll see about that!" They flew on, passing by Rainbow Dash's beautiful cloud palace.
Doesn't mean ah'm gonna jest accept it layin' down though.
Your faithful subject,
Dear Princess Celestia. Before all this happened, I was terrified of sex. I mean, ending up having to sacrifice my dreams or be rejected by the pony I cared for: It was frightening. But now, thanks to the heat, I love sex! It's absolutely awesome! And I'm going to get as much of it as I can, thanks to my wonderful new buddies!
"Ohhhh yessss..." Dash sighed happily, lounging on her couch. Captain Galland nuzzled the back of her neck, sighing.
"Yeah," he said contentedly.
Well, buddy. Captain Galland is my only regular. But it's all right.
"What happened to the others?" Rainbow Dash asked softly. The captain kissed the top of her head.
"They're busy with the Shadowbolts, I'm afraid," he said quietly. Rainbow Dash groaned.
"Aw what the hay? They're hogging all the guys!" She grumbled and set her face between her hooves. "It's aggravating!"
"Am I not enough, Rainbow Dash?" The captain said, looking a bit hurt. Dash shook her head.
"That's not what I meant..." She grinned. "I just like having you all to myself. Makes me feel..." She blushed. "Special.
"Trust me," the captain said. "You are."
"Mm," Dash sighed happily. "Flattery will get you everywhere."
In fact, there are so many different ways to enjoy sex, I'm eager to explore them!
"Actually, I was wondering if you'd be interested in something new," said Dash with a smile. Galland nuzzled her neck.
"Mm... What would it be?" The captain asked.
"I met this pony after the whole thing at the palace named Rider North. He says I'm so awesome at sex that I should do it on camera!" Dash said cheerfully. "What do you say?"
Galland stared at her in disbelief. "Rider North, the famous pornographic director?"
"Yes! That's what it's called, pornographic!" Dash said cheerfully. "I always thought it was called 'dirty magazines', at least that's what my mother called them."
But apparently there are aspects of sex I don't know a lot about. I mean, okay, I don't know a lot about it period since it was my first time with those guys, but since you gave me the go ahead, I'm going to keep exploring it and sending you my findings on it.
It's only fair since you introduced me and the Captain, after all. I hope you enjoy it!
Your beloved subject,
Dear Princess Celestia. What I learned is that I'm a really lucky pony who can always find ways to beat the odds!
Braeburn Apple entered Sugarcube Corner, his hat off and his mane combed. He coughed to get the attention of the two ponies at the front desk. They looked up.
"Ah, scuse me sir and ma'am, but ah've got to talk to Pinkie Pie. If you'll allow me?" Braeburn asked. Mr. Cake smiled and nodded.
"Sure! Go on right ahead," he said. Braeburn nodded and trotted upstairs, soon coming to what he could only assume was the door to Pinkie Pie's room.
The pink paint and three balloon-symbol on it gave it away.
Despite being a little... What's the word Twilight used? Flippant! That's it. Flippant. I like to flip, whee! Flip flip flip!
He knocked on the door with his hoof. It burst open, and Pinkie Pie smiled brightly at him.
"Hey Braeburn!" Pinkie Pie said cheerfully. "You're just in time!"
"Ah, yeah, about that," Braeburn began, but he was unable to say anything else before Pinkie Pie yanked him in. "WOAH!"
"Right inside please," she said, leading him to sit down on the couch. He got his bearings again before Pinkie dashed off to what looked like the bathroom.
"Just a minute, please!" She cried as Braeburn could hear the sound of rummaging and crashing going on. He squeezed his hat nervously, and waited.
Anyway! This experience taught me something very important.
"Ready!" Pinkie Pie said. She trotted out and set down a round white pad-like device in front of Braeburn. Pinkie Pie sat next to him, bouncing a bit in anticipation.
"Er... Pinkie Pie, what are we waitin' for?" Braeburn asked.
"Shh... Let's wait," Pinkie Pie said softly. Braeburn licked his lips and fidgeted, watching the round object. Eventually, it turned blue. Pinkie Pie let out a nervous giggle. Braeburn blinked.
"Er... What happened?"
"Well... I had to pee on that thing," Pinkie Pie said, giggling a bit more hysterically. "For a little test, heeheeheehee!" She rolled on the couch, holding her sides. "Hahahahahahaha!"
Braeburn laughed a little himself. "Hahahaha! Wh-What fer?"
"It's supposed to say, heeheehee... It's supposed to say, hahahahah... If you're pregnant!" Pinkie laughed. Braeburn laughed a bit longer.
"Hahahaha! So, so what does blue mean?"
"Heheheheh! Th-That I... I am pregnant!" Pinkie Pie giggled. Braeburn stopped laughing and gaped at Pinkie Pie. The pink pony stopped laughing, and looked over at Braeburn.
"Did... Did that not help breaking the news?" She asked, looking concerned.
"Well... Uh..." Braeburn began. Pinkie Pie gasped.
"Oh... Oh no... You don't mean... You're not happy about this, are you?" Pinkie Pie held her hooves to the sides of her cheeks. Braeburn held a hoof up.
"Now hang on-"
"You don't want me to be pregnant! You came here to apologize, say we can't be together, say you've got somepony else!" Pinkie Pie cried. She got off the couch and galloped to the window, her hair flattening. Her lower lip wobbled as Braeburn got off the couch too.
"Pinkie, ah didn't-"
"No! I will have to be a single mother! Oh, the shame!" Pinkie sniffled. "I'll have to work alone, never being able to tell my daughter about her father! And then she'll seek you out and find a magic lamp with a genie who will wish for us to be together but we can't because it's not that simple and we'll have a big tearful reunion or maybe Gummy will be used as bait by our daughter to bring us together for an emotional scene and-"
Braeburn sighed, spun Pinkie Pie around, and planted a kiss on her lips. Pinkie's eyes widened and she returned the kiss, calming down as Braeburn embraced her.
Their lips broke and Braeburn chuckled.
"No, no... That, ah'm fine with. It uh... Makes mah proposal a little easier to get through." He took his hat off and futzed with it. Pinkie Pie gasped.
"Well ah... Ah was gonna jest ask you to go steady," Braeburn admitted. "But uh... In light o' this... Would you do me the honor of-"
He didn't get the chance to finish before Pinkie squealed and jumped him.
The thing I've learned is that despite this unexpected surprise in my life, I'm looking forward to it. With my friends, family, and my stallion, I'm going to throw the biggest, bestest birthday party ever.
For my own foal.
Oops. Foals. They're twins!
Your faithful subject,
Pinkamenia Diane Pie (Soon to be) Apple
"So you see," Celestia said with a smile, "it's not going to be easy... But change never is."
Twilight sighed and nodded. "You're right, Princess Celestia." She frowned. "I just wish I knew why the Doctor ran off. Do... Do you think he hates me?"
Celestia shook her head, and wrapped a wing around her student. "No, no... He understands perfectly, believe me. The Doctor used to be all about saving the world."
Twilight looked up at her teacher in disbelief.
"Used to? But the Master, and the things-"
"Ah," Celestia sighed. "That is a long, sad story all his own. But suffice it to say, he's been bored, tired... And alone for a very long time. He has always needed a purpose. Much like you," she said with a smile and a nuzzle. Twilight flushed. "You gave him a purpose again, as you've given so many others."
The Princess of Equestria, Goddess of the Sun, winked.
"And he's not too bad looking either, is he?"
"Pr-Princess!" Twilight gasped, her cheeks bright red. "H-How can you take this so... So lightly?"
"Ah, Twilight Sparkle, my wonderful young student," Celestia sighed. "When you're as old as I am, you find that embarrassment can be a glorious thing. A little humility, a little humor at your own expense can make the world feel so much better." She smiled and patted her on the head.
"Trust me. He'll show up, he just needs to sort this out a bit, ask someone for advice, and he'll be back to talk."
The Princess smiled mysteriously.
"Indeed... It'll be sooner than you think."
"Thank you Princess Celestia," Twilight said, bowing her head. She turned and trotted out the doors, leaving Celestia to watch her leave fondly. She then looked to her side.
"You can come out now, Doctor."
The Doctor emerged from what appeared to be thin air, and he gave the Princess a tired smile.
"Don't thank me," Celestia said coolly. "I already told you what to do about her, and I'm not telling you twice."
The Doctor sighed and examined his hooves, a bit of a nervous habit. "... All right," he said. "Just let me catch up with her." He dashed back into nothingness, and a strange sound echoed in the throne room. Celestia shook her head and chuckled.
"Now, Luscombe," she said, turning to a curtain. "You, my dear, may most definitely come out now."
The huge stallion emerged, flushing a bit.
"Yes Princess... Ah... Just one question?"
"Yes, my dear?" Celestia asked pleasantly even as she turned and spread her wings and legs.
"This... Is this going to be a full time commitment or what?" He asked. Celestia smirked.
"That all depends on how long you want me, my dear."
"Forever," the stallion said reverently. Celestia giggled.
"Then forever it shall be!"
Twilight trotted down the path to the chariot that had brought her to Canterlot. Two guards were waiting, silent and with folded wings. She was just about to step onto it, when somepony cleared his throat behind her. She started, and looked back over her shoulder.
The Doctor stood there, leaning casually against his TARDIS. He smiled at her.
"Hello Twilight Sparkle."
"Hello Doctor," Twilight said, feeling a bit awkward. She trotted slowly up to him, stopping a few paces away. They stared at anything except each other for a moment, before their eyes at last met.
"I'm sorry I skipped out like that," the Doctor said. "I had to consult with somepony I trust. I..." He looked to the side. "I wasn't sure what to say to you after everything."
"And now? What do you want to say?" Twilight asked.
The Doctor turned back and smiled at her, adjusting his tie. It was in a bow now, bright red. She had to say she liked the look.
"... That I like you," the Doctor said. "A lot. Not just for the reasons you'd think... Or maybe for them, maybe not..." He shook his head and smiled. "I'm already having trouble speaking."
"You never had it before," Twilight teased, just a little. The Doctor chuckled.
"I guess not. What I want to say is... You make me feel like a young stallion. Not just for the reasons you'd think, but..."
He stared back, and now that she looked into his eyes she got a feel for just how old they were. How ancient, how lonely...
"I've been on my own for so long because frankly, nopony needed me," the Doctor said bluntly. "Each time, each crisis in the last two years, you, Twilight Sparkle, have been the savior of Equestria and the universe." He smiled at her. "Magnificent you."
Twilight blushed. "No, I-I couldn't have done it without my friends."
"No, you couldn't, but that doesn't diminish it in any way," the Doctor said. "For the longest time though, I haven't been needed. And it was great, for a while. I was content for a time..." He shook his head and looked at her. "But I think we both know that it feels better to be needed, to be useful, to do something, anything, than it does to just... Be." He shook his head and smiled. "And you made me be useful again."
"I... Thank you," Twilight said, feeling incredibly flattered.
"So... I dusted off the controls, got everything humming again," he opened the doors to his blue box and grinned. "The old girls' still a bit temperamental, but... She's ready to go too."
"Go? Go where?" Twilight asked as she trotted up to the box. She looked in... And she gasped.
"Go?" The Doctor grinned. "Absolutely, positively anywhere."
Twilight looked back at him. "You... You're serious? You want me to come?"
"Of course! You see, Twilight Sparkle, you stand up to me. You can outsmart me. You can surprise me and I, in turn, can stand up to you, outsmart you, and maybe surprise you." He grinned. "Surprise you a lot. And I like the way that looks on you, so..." He trotted into the TARDIS right up to what Twilight could only assume was the control panel. "I want to see it more."
He smiled at her. "So... Coming or not?"
Twilight smiled back. She turned her head to the guards.
"Sorry guys... I've got another ride," she said. She trotted in, and the doors shut behind her.
VWORP... VWORP... VWORP...
And with that strange sound, the blue box faded and vanished entirely. The two guards just yawned.
After enough time in this job, you weren't surprised by anything anymore...
Dear Princess Celestia. I've learned that dragons are totally awesome in the sack! I mean, I don't even know what I was thinking going after some lame pony when dragons are definitely where it's at. Especially Spike! That dragon is a hunka hunka burning love. He really gets my... mare parts... all... hot! And stuff.
And Spike is pretty much a paragon of physical perfection. He's like some kind of meat miracle. I get absolutely... hot... But like, more hot than I usually get, just thinking about his enormous... dexterous... tail. I just want him to rub my tummy violently and tell me I'm a very naughty pony.
I want Spike to be the one who takes care of me the next time I go into heat, and every time after! Because once you go dragon, you don't... go... needing... another... wagon?
"Spike," Rarity sighed, "I stopped talking five minutes ago."
The baby dragon's eyes widened, and he carefully crumpled up the piece of paper he'd been writing on. Considering his options, Spike tossed the paper ball into his mouth and quickly chomped it down. For something that regularly chows down on diamonds, a ball of paper wasn't terribly hard to swallow, if perhaps a bit dry.
Rarity facehoofed. "I've been standing here watching you write the entire time," she said.
Spike's shoulders slumped and he sat down on the floor of the boutique with a thump and a sigh. "Sorry," he muttered.
"I know you're still angry about being left out of the org- er, being locked in the Doctor's TARDIS while we... solved everypony's... problem."
Smoke drifted upwards out of Spike's nostrils and he tried not to growl too loudly. Rarity reached out to pat him on the shoulder, then thought better of it and levitated a platter over to the little dragon. Spike blinked in surprise, and then gave Rarity a grateful smile before going to town on the plate full of gems.
"I'm sure it's hard to see it this way, but we were just trying to protect you," said Rarity, as soothingly as she was capable of. "There are things you're just not ready to be exposed to yet! There will be time for all that later when you're old enough to properly deal with all of it."
"I know," Spike grumbled, "I just... I wanted to help. I know I'm not old enough, but... it would have been nice if I could have. Instead of Big Macintosh again."
"Him and Fluttershy," mused Rarity, "we were running out of stallions at that point and some of us had to... share..."
Spike's eye twitched. In one tiny claw he held a large diamond. The gemstone had been forged by the heat and pressure of a volcano. Carbon had been folded and compressed into the hardest naturally occurring substance on Earth. As Rarity stared off into the distance with a faraway look on her face and a thin strand of drool threatening to fall from her lip, the diamond shattered in Spike's claw.
"Huh, wha?" stuttered Rarity, pulled from her reverie by a chunk of diamond bouncing off her horn. "What were we talking about? Oh yes! I really am very sorry Spike, but there's nothing for it. I mean, how many years are there between us? Somepony would have to be extremely uncouth to want to see the two of us physically intimate when you're so young."
They paused and turned to glance in the reader's direction, then shrugged and went back to their conversation.
"Yeah," said Spike after a moment, "all things considered I'm kind of glad you're not that kind of pony."
"Precisely!" beamed Rarity, "and like I said, plenty of time for that later."
"Yeah," said Spike glumly, "later." He frowned, and then glanced up sharply. "Wait, you mean... us later...?"
"Oh Spikey Wikey," cooed Rarity, giving the little dragon a big hug. "You punched a goddess in the face for me. A girl doesn't forget that kind of dedication."
Spike's eyes widened. "You... you mean it?"
"I don't want to make any promises," said Rarity carefully, "there's no telling what might happen to either of us in the meantime, but... all else being equal, as soon as you're legal... as soon as we know when that is... well, you've got a date, for sure."
"A date," said Spike.
"You saw what I did to Big Macintosh on our first date," said Rarity with a wink.
"A date!" cried Spike.
"That is... assuming you still want me by then," said Rarity, frowning a little.
"What!" Spike almost yelled, "But...! I...! Goddess! FACE! For you!"
"Oh I know Spike," said Rarity, rubbing his scales tenderly, "you've certainly got a lot of... passion... but let's face facts. I honestly don't have any idea how long it'll be before loving you isn't a federal crime. I might be... hideous by then."
"Never!" declared the young dragon, who had never seen Rarity first thing in the morning.
"I know it's hard to believe," Rarity sighed, "but there will come a time when these looks will fade. I couldn't ask you to chain yourself to an old crone just because of a crush, Spike. I would never!"
Spike let out a whimper and leaned against Rarity's side, hugging her desperately. Rarity ignored the way his scales dug into her skin and put a comforting arm around him, hugging back.
"I wish there was a way I could... speed up time or something," Spike muttered against the unicorn's coat, "but just for me? And then I could be older, and you could still be you, and we could be together!"
"That's impossible, I'm afraid," said Rarity, patting him soothingly.
"Spike!" yelled Twilight Sparkle as she burst through the door of the boutique. "Spike, where are you!"
"Do you mind?" shouted Rarity, "we're in the middle of an intimate moment!"
"AGH!" screamed Twilight, covering her eyes and bolting out of the room.
"...not that kind of intimate," Rarity snarled.
"What's up Twilight?" asked Spike, still clinging to Rarity. Twilight re-appeared in the doorway, now accompanied by the Doctor. Both ponies were grinning from ear to ear.
"The Doctor's leaving!" said Twilight, "to go and have adventures through space and time!"
"Oh Twilight!" gasped Rarity, "I'm so sorry..."
"He asked me to go with him!" Twilight squealed, "and I said yes!"
"What," said Spike and Rarity.
"You're welcome to come along of course Spike," said the Doctor, "wouldn't have it any other way, really."
"Isn't this exciting!" said Twilight, literally vibrating with glee, "We're going to be explorers, studying things that nopony has ever studied before! Oh gosh, I hope I can bring enough notebooks!"
"But... but I don't want to leave Ponyville," said Spike, his eyes starting to brim with tears, "I... I have... friends here." He turned to Rarity, who smiled sympathetically and squeezed him closer.
"I dare say we'll be a bit too busy to really miss anypony," said the Doctor, "and it's not like they'd have any time to miss you."
"Huh?" said Spike.
"We're going to be traveling through time Spike," said Twilight with a chuckle, "we'll be gone for a couple of years maybe, but for everypony here it'll be like no time passed at all!"
Rarity started to grin hugely. Spike took a hesitant step away from her to stare incredulously at Twilight. "Wait," he said, "you mean... we'll get older while we're away... but everypony else here in Ponyville..." he gestured at Rarity, "will just stay the same?"
"Yes!" said Twilight and the Doctor.
Spike leaped into the air with a shout. "When do we leave?"
Dear Princess Celestia. Today we learned that good things come to those who wait.
Your faithful subjects,
Spike and Rarity
Twilight sighed as she brought the last of her supplies. She left them just inside the doors of the TARDIS and beamed as she galloped up to the side of the Doctor. Spike was still gawking at the interior, looking around.
"So... It's bigger on the inside," he said. The Doctor grinned.
"Yep!" He fiddled with some stuff on the console, including what looked like taps for hot and cold water. He adjusted a zig zag plotter and hit a few more buttons.
"Dimensionally transcendent, huh?" Spike asked. The Doctor blinked. Twilight giggled.
"You've been paying attention!"
"Of course I pay attention! When do we leave?" Spike asked flatly.
"Soon," the Doctor said. "She's a little rusty..."
"How rusty could she be?" Spike asked, poking something that looked like a rubber clown nose on the control panel. It squirted water into his face. "GAH!"
Twilight giggled, and with her magic she lifted a piece of parchment and began to write.
Dear Princess Celestia... It's been a long, weird week. But I have learned a lot of things about life, love and friendship.
First, love can be scary. It can bring out the worst in us...
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" screamed Big Mac, falling off the bed in a tangle of flailing hooves.
"Oh, oh my," said Fluttershy, "I'm sorry, was the clown mask too much?"
And it can bring out the best...
"W-Wow," Applejack gasped as she held her chest. They landed on a clifftop, overlooking the entire valley. The entire, cloudless valley that allowed the sun to shine down on the glory of creation. "We... We did that?"
"A little extra mass once I broke the sound barrier?" Soarin' asked with a grin. "You bet!"
Applejack smirked. "Just how much extra mass we talkin' here?"
"Hey, I'm not that brave..."
It can be fun and unexpected...
"How about Candy for a filly?" asked Pinkie, "Candy Apple."
"I kinda like Sugar Pie," said Braeburn, cuddling the pink pony closer..
"They're going to have your name though," said Pinkie, nuzzling him.
"We can get modern," said Braeburn, "The Apple-Pies. If there's a colt we can name him Dutch."
It can let you fight on to the finish...
"Come on Galland!" groaned Rainbow Dash, "One more, you can do it!"
"I haven't got it in me!" the guardpony yelled, straining, "I can't hold on!"
"Yes you can!" moaned Rainbow, holding her stallion tight, "I believe in you!"
Rider North's glasses fell off as he gazed in awe at the scene taking place before him. "By Celestia that's beautiful," he said, "the spray is just... did we get that? Tell me we got that!"
It can be forgiving, and it can bring us hope...
"I'll be right here when you get back Spike," whispered Rarity as she looked out of her top storey building at the blue form of the TARDIS, "don't you dare forget me."
And it can give us patience and courage we never knew we had...
"All right! She's prepped and ready to go!" The Doctor said with a grin, finishing up the preparations with a mallet to the control console.
"Where are we going?" Spike asked. The Doctor threw his hooves up into the air.
"Not even the slightest clue!"
Spike gaped, and looked at Twilight. "Twilight...?"
The purple unicorn smiled.
And like friendship, it's a wonderful adventure just waiting to be experienced.
"I'm ready when you are," Twilight said cheerfully as she trotted up to the Doctor. He grinned and rested his hoof on a big, shiny lever. She blushed, and rested her hoof over his.
"Here we go!" They pulled back on the lever, and the TARDIS took off. Spike yelped as he grabbed onto the control console as the entire ship shifted and bucked. Twilight and the Doctor whooped in glee, and soon Spike joined them.
"Onwards and outwards!" The Doctor cried.
"WOOHOO!" Spike and Twilight agreed.
And it will make you never want to say goodbye. It will just make you look forward to the next time you say hello.
Your faithful student,
The Master fumed as he watched the blue form of the Doctor's TARDIS spinning away into the time vortex. He turned away from the monitor, allowing his own time ship's sensors to continue tracking it.
"So Doctor... You even got the old junker running again to take your little strumpet and her pet lizard with you." The Master shook his head and chuckled. "Just like old times. Well, go ahead, have your little adventures again." He rubbed his hooves together.
"Because no matter where you go... Or what you do... I'll be right behind you, waiting. And when the hammer falls... I will be there swinging it, as at last you fall silent!"
"So..." said Trixie slowly, "when you say hammer you mean your penis, and when you say silent you mean because he'll have it in his mouth...?"
The Master sighed and scowled at her. "You're still here?"
"The Great and Powerful Trixie has no intention of letting that little purple upstart outdo her again!" said Trixie, "if Twilight is going to have interdimensional adventures and lots of hot sex with an immortal time pony, then Trixie intends to as well!"
"I don't care what the stupid and insufferable Trixie wants," said the Master through gritted teeth, "you're not coming."
Trixie grinned and leaned in close to the Master, letting her breath waft over his ear as she whispered into it. "That's not what you said to Trixie last night..."
The master sighed. "... Fine," he gritted out. "Just try not to be totally, completely worthless and maybe this can work out!"
Trixie shivered a little and bit back a moan. "Yes Master!" she said, grinning. She had to admit, this wasn't exactly what she'd had in mind when she'd answered that advertisement in the paper all those weeks ago. It was better.
For the Master's part, he looked out at the external view offered by his TARDIS's sensors and scowled. The gorgeous weather just made his mood even worse.
"Why must it be such a beautiful day...?"
Twilight Sparkle... Tara Strong
Rainbow Dash... Ashleigh Ball
Pinkie Pie... Andrea Libman
Applejack... Ashleigh Ball
Fluttershy... Andrea Libman
Rarity... Tabitha St. Germain
Spike... Cathy Weseluck
The Doctor... David Tennant/Matt Smith
Princess Celestia... Nicole Oliver
Princess Luna... Tabitha St. Germain
Braeburn Apple... Andrew Francis
Luscombe Nordram... James Earl Jones
The Master... John Simm
The Great and Powerful Trixie... Kathleen Barr
Velvet... Cathy Cavadini
Nightshade... E.G. Daily
Natrix... Cree Summer
Captain Galland... Nathan Fillion
Sergeant Mustang... Travis Willingham
Sergeant Zero... Mark Hildreth
Sergeant Thatch... Michael Biehn
Soarin'... Matt Hill
Big Macintosh... Peter New
Pip... Matt Stone
Applebloom... Michelle Creber
Spitfire... Maryke Hendrikse
Stormcrow... Paul McGann
Zecora... Brenda Crichlow
Prince Blueblood... Trevor Devall
Derpy Hooves... Tabitha St. Germain
Caramel... Scott McNeil
Handsel the male pony model... Owen Wilson
Neigh Gaiman... Jemaine Clement
Terry Prancechett... John Cleese
Lance... Richard Newman
Chairstallion Kaga... George Takei
Snips and Snails... Mike Judge
Towback... Chris Sabat
Rookie... Matt Hill
Lucky... Brian Drummond
Hoops... Tony Sampson
Score... Samuel Vincent
Dumb Bell... James Arnold Taylor
Granny Smith... Tabitha St. Germain
Written in Google Docs
A Production of Andrew J. Talon, Friendly Uncle and The Sage of Toads for the purposes of confusing Bronies about their sexuality.
Catering provided by Sugarcube Corner.
No ponies were traumatized during the making of this fanfic.
Clopfics of the events in this fic will no doubt resemble reality but with much worse spelling. While not encouraged, filling in the sexy, sexy blanks of this fic will not be discouraged either. In other words, start your word processors, Bronies!
The Doctor, Twilight Sparkle and Spike will return in...
The Deadly Curse of Fatal Death