A.N.: Here there be angst! Don't say I didn't warn you. I was a bit inspired after reading smalld1171 tag to the episode. Spoilers up to 7x08, picks up directly from when they get in the car and drive away. You know I've been perusing the boards for SPN for awhile and people are wondering why Dean is suddenly falling apart…looking back at the last 7 seasons I'm not thinking 'Why now?' I'm thinking 'What took him so long?' Dean (and Sam) have been through some major shit. I don't know how they are still standing let alone being semi successful Hunters. Just saying. Well that is all I have. Told from Dean's POV. And obviously it is just Dean's thoughts, otherwise Sam would turn his puppy dog eyes on full blast and force Dean to pull of the car (not the Impala…damn I miss her) and talk. Also, was it just me or did anyone want to shake the hell out of Sam at the end of the episode? Just once could he pay attention to Dean's face when he talks….just once. Thanks for reading.
Disclaimer: I don't own it or Dean would be getting more hugs.
Take care of myself? Yeah. Awesome idea Sam.
I'll just forego what has been my responsibility my whole life and take care of myself from now on. Thought you were the smart one little brother.
If you are such a damn genius, why in the hell can't you see that there is nothing to take care of? I am nothing.
Nothing worth anything.
Why do you think I have spent all my life taking care of you? Because you were always the special one. The smart one, the kind one, the one that got out. Even if just for a little bit you lived your life and found your happiness. You were the one thing I cared about. Even after Dad and Hell and Lucifer and you being a freaking lunatic, I always had you to fall back on.
You needed me. You couldn't take care of yourself. I mean, I was gone for a couple of months and you decided to be besties with a demon. Obviously you still needed me. To guide you to the right path, to kick the shit out of anything that messes with you, to make sure you have someone to hold you together when everything falls apart.
And I know how gay that sounds dude. If I didn't know how very, very straight I am I would be worried. But you matter Sam, you matter to me.
But me? Dude me…. I'm a mess. A big fucking mess that is trying to stay glued together with alcohol and sarcasm and the thrill of the hunt. And it's worked. For years I was able to sail on by and people thought I was fine.
But now…I'm not. Don't ask me why, don't ask me what was the straw that finally broke the camel's back cause I really don't know. Was it Cas? Was it Ellen? Was it Jo? Was it you swinging around your gun at freaking nothing?
I don't know. What I do know is I'm not okay. Not even a little bit. So yay for you that you are all grown up. Yay for you that you can take care of yourself, but what do I do now? I've been watching your back my entire life Sammy.
What do I do now?
Take care of myself?
Too bad you weren't there when I told Jo the truth. I am 90% crap, the other 10% is liquor. If you find something that is 90% crap (like me) you toss it, you don't try to fix it.
So what the hell are you doing Sam? Talking about now you can take time for yourself like you are doing me some sort of goddamn favor!
YOU can take of yourself. YOU can be okay after we make (if we make it) through this Leviathan garbage. And I know how much a sham your short lived union with Becky was, but YOU may even find someone and settle down and live the apple pie like that I could never quite cut.
Me…if I don't have you to take care of well then what have I got?
Look at this shit man; I'm thinking all these emo thoughts, next thing you know I will be crying.
Apparently Hell didn't get you down. No, it's the opposite; you have the perspective to see the damn bluebirds in the sky now, to enjoy every single second like it's your last, to see the beauty in nature.
Great, now I have to puke.
You should just live on the top of a mountain, grow a beard and give crappy advice. Not like you're going to need me much longer anyway…
Goddamn it. I hate you a little bit right now Sam, as much as I'll always love you because you are my brother and there is a rule somewhere, I hate you.
Seriously dude, do you even hear what comes out of your mouth sometimes?
Take care of myself? What a joke.
There is nothing to take care of. Just a mission to save the world again and a leftover echo of a long expired obligation.