The Nautical Handbook for
Copyright WhileYerSleeping Corp., Virginville, NV
B. Carter, Production Manager
Thank you for your purchase of the 2006-issue KING KONG: CAPTAIN ENGLEHORN unit! To get supreme delectation out of this product, please read and follow the instructions in this manual.
Model Designation: CAPTAIN ENGLEHORN
Product Number: 08091962
Item Manufacturer: Strudel Inc., out of Sümwäir, Germany
Height: Approx. 6'1
CAPT. ENGLEHORN-model comes equipped with a wide variety of accessories to ensure you have ideal gratification. Subject Inventory includes the following: CAPTAIN PACK (navy pea coat, captains hat, .45 Luger handgun, maps, sextant, and helm-wheel), half a pack of cigarettes, old leather boots, tan pants, dark blue shirt, S.S. Venture model-ship (tramp-steamer edition ship available separately), Thompson M1921 machine gun.
Your rugged CAPT. ENGLEHORN has been manufactured using the highest grade materials available for peak performance.
Language Settings can be changed by voice-command. Choose between English or German. Note: CURRENT LANGUAGE SETTING: German
Your CAPT. ENGLEHORN comes with a variety of settings for you to enjoy! Among them include:
CAPTAIN: CAPT. ENGLEHORN wouldn't be much use without this app. Simply place him at the helm (either the helm-wheel included in the CAPTAIN PACK or the one on the tramp-steamer S.S. Venture: purchased separately) and watch him instantly take command! Enjoy hours of watching him give orders and instructions while looking ruggedly sexy behind the wheel! Or how about stewing over maps and diagrams? CAPT. ENGLEHORN is capable of navigating his ship and crew through the hardest and most virulent of storms with the greatest of ease! There is no danger of your CAPT. ENGLEHORN-model getting lost at sea (or anywhere else!) because of a special CAPTAIN-chip installed in all CAPT. ENGLEHORN models. Note: CAPTAIN-setting may be activated otherwise by voice-command. Warning: CAPT. ENGLEHORN may not respond easily to commands while in this mode. He prefers giving orders, rather than taking orders.
TRAPPER: Your CAPT. ENGLEHORN comes equipped with this enticing app that can be both very pleasurable, or irritating. When TRAPPER-mode is activated your CAPT. ENGLEHORN transforms from simple ships captain, to sensuously-rough trapper, expert in live-animal capture while looking amazing in dirt. Downside of this setting: Since this app is considered illegal in some regions of the world, if caught by authorities while in TRAPPER-mode, WhileYerSleeping Corp. accepts zero responsibility for CAPT. ENGLEHORN-model. Upside: He's getting down-and-dirty in nature! That's gotta speak to the inner cave-woman in you! Please Note: It is advised to keep CARL DENHAM-model away from CAPT. ENGLEHORN-model while CAPT. ENGLEHORN-model is set to TRAPPER-mode (see below for details).
DASHING HERO: We are just as pleased to introduce this app as you are! Always wanted to play dress-up? Want to be a damsel in distress? No problem! With a simple voice-command (command will vary), your CAPT. ENGLEHORN will go from sexy, deep CAPTAIN, to sexy, deep, and DASHING HERO, intent and eager to save you from whatever distress you have found (or placed) yourself in! He'll come swinging in on jungle-vines with his trusty Thompson M1921 machine gun, ready for anything! Warning: DASHING HERO setting should not be engaged anywhere near CARL DENHAM-model otherwise TRAPPER-mode may be inadvertently activated, resulting in your CAPT. ENGLEHORN engaging in a dangerous (but highly provocative) mission to capture a giant gorilla (8m steel cage sold separately).
RAVISH: Come on! He's got a ship (sold separately)! While in this mode, you'll find your CAPT. ENGLEHORN to be more romantic and loving, ready to jump you at any given moment. He'll sweep you off your feet and take you out for a midnight cruise... or ravishing! How about a little hands-on boating lesson? With your CAPT. ENGLEHORN "teaching" you the ropes, you're set to enjoy many hours of steering fun! Please Note: While this last option is indeed very pleasurable, be aware that your "hours of fun" may be interrupted abruptly by the arrival of your MR. HAYES-model or crew. Suggestion for avoiding this- don't keep a crew! Or, not able, order the crew to keep away from the bridge, on pain of evisceration. (This setting only available in new EXTENTION PACK!)
CLEANING: While your CAPT. ENGLEHORN can go days, or even weeks, without bathing, we suggest that you bathe him regularly to prevent him activating AT SEA mode. In this mode he will go months without bathing. A way to deactivate this mode is to either hold him down and scrub him clean. But we advise that you just give him a bar of soap and toss him into the rain, as the other option will likely activate his RAVISH mode... unless you want to activate RAVISH mode. Then go ahead. Do to the sensitivity of some parts, wash by hand. Handle with care. Warm water only. Please note that navy pea coat is dry clean only. WhileYerSleeping Corp. will not reimburse (or replace) this item should it come to harm due to stupidity (an extra Navy pea coats can be purchased separately)
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
Q: My CAPT. ENGLEHORN-model is brandishing his gun and trying to run off into the woods behind my house. Why?
A: There must be an ANN DARROW-model nearby. Or hostile natives. Our suggestion is to activate his DASHING HERO mode, which will force him to prioritize and go save you. Once this is accomplished, you can activate his RAVISH mode, which will keep his attention solely on you. (RAVISH mode only available in new EXTENTION PACK)
Q: My CAPT. ENGLEHORN-model is threatening my CARL DENHAM-model and keeps trying to throw him overboard. What's going on?
A: This is a common glitch in the CAPT. ENGLEHORN-model whenever he is in the vicinity of the CARL DENHAM-model while said model is in PRODUCER mode. To fix this, we suggest keeping them apart. Prolonged contact between them may cause irreparable damage to CARL DENHAM-model, or cause CAPT. ENGLEHORN-model to activate the TRAPPER-mode.
Q: How do I deactivate DASHING HERO mode?
A: You want to WHAT! Why? While in this mode, he comes with the extra ATTENTIVE LOVER app. To activate; simply drop your clothes and hang on!
Q: My CAPT. ENGLEHORN won't stop talking in German. How do I change this?
A: His LANGUAGE SETTING is on GERMAN. Simply use ENGLISH voice-command to change it.
Q: My CAPT. ENGLEHORN is wearing Nazi clothes and saying stuff in German about Valkyrie's. Why?
A: You've been send the 2008-issue VALKYRIE: MAJOR OTTO ERNST REMER unit. We apologize for the mix-up and will be happy to replace your order.
Following the above instructions will ensure many happy years for you and your CAPT. ENGLEHORN!
WhileYerSleeping Corp. accepts no responsibility for any harm that may befall you, or any unlucky fellows caused by CAPT. ENGLEHORN unit.
NOTE:Due to the contents and nature of this product, you must be 18 years or older to purchase 2006-issue KING KONG: CAPTAIN ENGLEHORN (Pertains only to U.S. Citizens.) and must possess a valid boating license (if purchasing the tramp-steamer edition S.S. Venture ship)
WARNING: Contains small parts! Keep out of reach of children (and annoying sisters and girlfriends. Trust us, you won't want to share!)
2006-issue KING KONG: MR. HAYES
2006-issue KING KONG: JIMMY
2006-issue KING KONG: ANN DARROW
2006-issue KING KONG: CARL DENHAM
2006-issue KING KONG: JACK DRISCOLL
Also available is 2006-issue KING KONG: KING KONG (comes with 10ft dye-cast Empire State Building model)
I just did this as a bit of humor. And to show myself that I could. My twin, Something-TheMonkey, helped with this. I own nothing! That being said, I must pay homage to homeric for being the unwitting inspiration for this. I hope you don't mind.