The Homicidal Castle Dweller
Disclaimer: I do not own the Big Bang Theory or the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
It was, Raj decided, quite pathetic that he had nothing better to do on a Sunday night than to take Sheldon to visit some ninety-something professor. Well, he said 'visit' but Sheldon was hardly the visiting type. He wasn't quite sure if watching Sheldon bully someone who was probably half-dead would be more amusing or depressing.
Still, Howard was busy turning the wonderful, gorgeous Bernadette into a clone of his mother – what was wrong with that man? – and Leonard was out on a date with Penny. True, both of them claimed that it was just a friend thing but he wasn't blind. Now that his sister was no longer in the picture (and he refused to think about just why that was) the pair had been spending a lot more time together.
The rain was coming down in buckets and Sheldon was glaring at the wind-shield wiper. "Your visibility is compromised. Turn the wiper up."
"It's fine, Sheldon," Raj insisted.
"But you cannot see properly," Sheldon protested. "You're getting to be as bad as Penny."
Raj rolled his eyes. "Her check engine light may have been on for the past four years but she's very rarely had car trouble."
"I'm sure that will be a great comfort when you get us killed crashing into a tree," Sheldon replied.
"I'm not going to get us killed, Sheldon," Raj said flatly.
"When you get us stranded in the middle of nowhere in a rainstorm, then," Sheldon amended.
Raj pulled the car up short when he noticed that the road was closed up ahead. "Huh. Map quest didn't say anything about this. And there have been all these motorcyclists coming from this direction. They can't all have been people turned around because then we would have spotted them on the way up."
"Oh, who cares?" Sheldon asked, annoyed. "Find a new route. I want to get there before Dr. Scott is asleep, after all. You'd be surprised how irritable people can be if you have to wake them up to discuss the intricacies of the universe."
Raj pulled out his phone and tried to bring up a map. He winced. "It's no good, Sheldon. There's no wi-fi in the area."
"No wi-fi?" Now Sheldon looked truly horrified. "This is a disaster. Why didn't you come prepared, Koothrappali?"
"I did come prepared," Raj snapped."I brought a map and my phone and everything."
"Clearly you weren't prepared enough," Sheldon said pointedly. "Seeing as how both of those have failed you and now we're lost and I've heard there's a bobcat loose in the area."
"We're not going to be eaten by a bobcat, Sheldon," Raj tried to reassure him. Then again, that was quite unsettling. "Probably."
Sheldon's eyes widened. "Who said anything about being eaten by a bobcat? I was just sharing my knowledge. Could we be eaten by a bobcat?"
"Not as long as we stay in the car," Raj said soothingly. The last thing he needed was to be trapped in a small space in a rainstorm with a panicky Sheldon. In fact, he wouldn't want to be there with any Sheldon at all but a panicky one would be especially bad. "And why weren't you more prepared anyway? You're the reason we're making this trip, after all."
"True," Sheldon acknowledged. "But you know I don't drive."
Raj sighed and carefully made a u-turn and started heading back in the other direction. He had only made it a few feet when there was a loud bang and the car stopped.
"Was that the tire blowing out? It sounded like the tire blowing out," Sheldon announced.
"I must have run over something," Raj said, frowning.
"Please tell me that you at least have a spare tire," Sheldon said, looking like he was willing to completely write Raj off as a person if he didn't.
Despite how tempting that was, Raj reluctantly nodded. "I do, in fact. Actually, I have two."
Sheldon cocked his head. "Two?" he repeated quizzically.
"I'm Indian," Raj explained. "My parents keep telling me that you can never be too careful."
"Well, what are you waiting for?" Sheldon demanded. "Go fix the tire."
Raj glanced out the window for any sign of the rain lightening up. If anything, it seemed like the rain was pouring down even harder than it had been previously. "But Sheldon, I'll get drenched!"
"And if we stay here until the rain stops then we very well might kill the car battery," Sheldon pointed out. "Just do it."
"Why can't you do it?" Raj whined.
"It's your car," Sheldon said reasonably.
Out of arguments, Raj slipped from the car and changed the tire as fast as he possibly could before hurrying back to the driver's seat.
"You're dripping water everywhere," Sheldon complained, wrinkling his nose.
Raj shot him a look of pure distaste. "We should probably ask for directions. Wasn't there a castle a few miles back?"
"Indeed there was," Sheldon confirmed. "And if they don't have directions then at the very least they might have wi-fi."
"Why would there be a castle in California anyway?" Raj wondered.
"Who knows how the minds of lesser mortals work?" Sheldon asked rhetorically. "You should ask Penny. Or Wolowitz."
"Not Leonard?" Raj asked, somewhat surprised that Leonard hadn't made Sheldon's list of lesser mortals this time.
"No, if you can't figure it out then it must be beyond Leonard," Sheldon explained.
They drove the rest of the way to the castle in silence. Raj parked a little too close to the castle to be polite but it was still raining really hard and he didn't want to get wet. Fortunately he had two umbrellas as well so he and Sheldon didn't have to share and he didn't have to put up with Sheldon complaining about getting wet.
They went up to the door.
"Castle owner, castle owner, castle owner," Sheldon chanted as he knocked.
Raj rather doubted that anyone would be able to hear his words through a door that was thicker than their apartment doors but with any luck he'd still be able to hear the nodding.
After a moment, a creepy-looking hunched-over man with long blonde hair and a large bald spot opened the door. "Hello. You're not wet," he said to Sheldon with some surprise.
"No," Sheldon agreed. "Like any sensible man, I used an umbrella." He looked pointedly in Raj's direction.
"Hello, you don't happen to have directions to Dr. Scott's house, do you? Or at least some internet access?" Raj asked hopefully, ignoring Sheldon for now.
"I think you both had best come inside," the man told t hem, gesturing for them to come in.
Neither of them moved.
"I have seen this horror movie too many times and the brown man always goes first," Raj declared.
"You haven't answered the question," Sheldon protested. "Do you know how to get to Dr. Scott's house or have internet or don't you?"
The blonde man sighed. "Yes to both questions. You'll have to take it up with the master of the house, Dr. Furter, however. We are in the midst of a party but he should be down shortly."
Raj's eyes lit up at that. "Ooh, a party. Are there beautiful women here?"
The man nodded. "There are indeed."
"Well, alright then," Raj said, happily stepping inside the castle.
"Who are you?" Sheldon demanded. "I'm not entering any establishment if I do not know the name of whoever invited me in."
"I am Riff Raff," Riff Raff introduced.
"This had better not take long," Sheldon said as he, too, entered the building.
"Very nice decorations," Raj complimented. "It's very haunted mansion-y."
"Either that or they never clean," Sheldon remarked.
"Are you going to offer us a beverage? It's customary to offer guests in your home a beverage," Sheldon informed the blonde man.
"There are beverages right this way," Riff Raff informed them.
"Ah, but first it's that time again," a red-headed woman in a maid's outfit cried out gleefully as she slid down the banister.
Immediately, Raj felt his voice die. Great, and there was only Sheldon to say the right thing or translate for him.
Apparently that was some sort of cue as the woman and Riff Raff began singing about madness and time warps. They led him and Sheldon into the party, still singing, and all of the guests were doing the dance as well. It wasn't a very difficult dance, particularly as they kept singing the instructions to it.
"I don't dance," Sheldon said stubbornly as he stood off to the side.
Raj, however, was still quite capable of dancing even if he couldn't speak and he didn't want to be compared to Sheldon the wet blanket and so he silently joined in.
When it was over everyone was lying on the ground and waiting for something to break the spell. That something, as it turned out, was Sheldon.
"I'm sorry but I don't see a beverage anywhere," he said loudly.
Everyone climbed to their feet then and Riff Raff disappeared for a few moments before reappearing with a glass of what appeared to be water.
"Satisfied?" he asked.
Sheldon considered. "It'll do."
"And here's the master now," Riff Raff said, nodding towards the old-fashioned elevator in the back of the room.
Raj took one look at 'the master' and leaned over and whispered in Riff Raff's ear. "Is he a vampire?"
"That would really depend on how you look at it," Riff Raff said dryly. "But it's not really your blood he's after."
That was strangely not reassuring. And he honestly had no idea what to make of Dr. Furter striding to the front of the room, taking off his vampire coat, and revealing that he was wearing a pearl necklace, a backwards black corset, long black fingerless gloves, and black underwear attached to extremely long translucent black leggings. It almost didn't surprise him when the man began to sing about being a transvestite.
"Did he just ask us out on a date?" Raj whispered into Sheldon's ear.
"I don't know," Sheldon replied. "Who is Steve Reeves anyway?"
"Ask him about the directions," Raj whispered.
"Oh, alright," Sheldon said, taking another sip of his water. "It does seem rude to interrupt, though. Dr. Furter? Oh, Dr. Furter?"
Dr. Furter looked a little taken aback at the address. "Yes?"
"We're looking for Dr. Scott's house. Do you know where it is or will you let us use your internet so we can find it ourselves?" Sheldon requested.
That stopped Dr. Furter up short. "Dr. Scott…that name is not unknown to me." He peered suspiciously at them. "This wasn't just a chance meeting, was it? 'Flat tire' indeed. You came here with a purpose!"
"Yes," Sheldon agreed, nonplussed. It was likely that he, too, had noticed that they hadn't ever mentioned having a flat tire and Raj had since fixed it. "We need directions."
"Oh, if you're here then I have no doubt that Dr. Von Scott will be here soon enough," Dr. Furter said darkly.
Von Scott? Raj leaned over and whispered hurriedly in Sheldon's ear.
"I have no idea whether or not Dr. Furter is accusing Dr. Scott of being a Nazi," Sheldon replied. "And I don't really care. Now, what do you mean by 'soon enough'? It's very nice of him to come to us but I don't want to wait long."
"You can come up to the lab and see what's on the slab while you wait," Dr. Furter instructed. "I've been making a man with blonde hair and a tan and he'll be good for relieving my…tension."
With that, he turned and went back to the elevator.
"You're lucky that Frank didn't kill you for interrupting his song like that," a woman with a top hat and a lot of sequins on told them. "He's been known to do that, you know."
Raj hurried over to Riff Raff. "Wait, is his name Frank Furter?"
"It is," Riff Raff said slowly. "And please don't make the inevitable not nearly as funny as you think it is joke about being a hot dog. If you do then I might be forced to kill you."
Raj gulped and nodded.
"Who are you?" Sheldon demanded. He pointed to the woman in the maid's outfit. "And who is she?"
"I'm Columbia," Columbia introduced.
"Magenta," Magenta said, bowing theatrically.
"Why would he kill us?" Sheldon asked blankly. "He's the one who stopped singing."
"You're the one who asked him something in the middle of his song," Columbia countered.
"He's the one who had stopped singing. For all I knew he was done," Sheldon defended.
"Of course he wasn't done," Columbia said, rolling her eyes. "Didn't you hear the music still playing?"
"I thought it was background music," Sheldon replied.
Raj had actually found something to be of a bit more importance than the idea that he was taking Sheldon to visit (and, more to the point, browbeat) a Nazi. Even a former ninety-something Nazi was not exactly the kind of person he'd want to meet. Ever. "Sheldon," he whispered. "Did Dr. Furter say that he was creating life?"
Sheldon thought back. "You know, I do believe he did. I have a hard time believing that he will actually be able to succeed but it should be good for a laugh if nothing else."
Magenta began pulling at Sheldon's clothes while Riff Raff did the same to Raj. Why did Sheldon get the pretty girl? He made a face and pulled away.
"I will bite you," Sheldon threatened. "Back in Texas the church taught self-defense classes to those too young to own a gun."
"But you need to put on these scrubs," Columbia said, holding up two pairs of scrubs.
"We can do that without removing our clothing, thank you very much," Sheldon said stiffly.
"But where's the fun in that?" Columbia asked rhetorically.
"If you persist in trying to remove our clothing then we will be leaving," Sheldon announced.
"What about your Dr. Scott?" Magenta asked.
"We can always try again later," Sheldon said after a moment's hesitation.
"Very well then," Riff Raff said reluctantly, guiding them towards the elevator.
"Do most people really just let you strip them?" Raj whispered to him.
A smirk made its way to Riff Raff's face. "Oh yes, indeed. They feel it's best to be polite and play along."
"But…you're stripping them without their permission or any forewarning. What's polite about that?" Raj wondered.
"It's perfectly acceptable in Transylvania," Riff Raff informed him.
Raj hadn't known that but he supposed he wasn't all that surprised. That was the land that had brought them vampires, after all.
Dr. Furter was waiting for them at the top of the elevator dressed in green scrubs with the pearl necklace prominently displayed. "Magenta, Columbia - go assist Riff Raff. I will entertain…I'm sorry, I don't believe I caught your names."
"No," Sheldon agreed.
"Will you tell me what they are?" Dr. Furter requested.
"I am Dr. Sheldon Cooper and that is Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali," Sheldon introduced.
Dr. Furter grinned. "Oh, two doctors. How very…prestigious. Your friend doesn't talk much, does he?"
"Not when there are women present," Sheldon clarified.
"Why ever not?" Dr. Furter asked, puzzled.
Sheldon shrugged. "I haven't the foggiest."
"I'm right here, you know," Raj whispered, irritated, into Sheldon's ear.
Sheldon blinked, surprised. "Well, of course you are."
"Do you have any tattoos?" Dr. Furter asked out of the blue.
"Why would I have any tattoos?" Sheldon asked, making a face.
"Because tattoos are groovy," Dr. Furter explained. "What about your friend?"
"Not unless you count tattoo sleeves," Sheldon answered.
"Everything is in readiness, master. We merely await your... word," Riff Raff called out.
"Oh, that's my cue," Dr. Furter exclaimed excitedly. "We'll finish this some other time." With that he practically pranced over to the other side of the room near all the machinery.
"It's sad, isn't it, when you consider that this man was capable of getting his doctorate and Wolowitz wasn't," Sheldon mused. "Remind me of this the next time he starts trying to convince me that a masters degree is even worth mentioning."
Raj leaned over to reply to that and Sheldon sighed. "Oh come on. There's no way that anyone female could possibly hear you from over here."
Raj knew that he had a point but still. "You never know," he whispered.
They listened quietly as Dr. Furter began his speech about how he had learned to create life. Well, they did at first.
"An accident?" Sheldon interrupted again. "You mean to tell me that you learned how to create life by accident?"
"Penicillin was discovered by accident," Dr. Furter said defensively.
"That's mold," Sheldon said dismissively. "This is life itself."
"Well it's not like I don't know how it works now," Dr. Furter snapped. "Somebody flip the switch and let's just get this over with since some people are quite determined that shall not be able to enjoy anything this evening."
The switch was flipped and then a mummified creature came out of the tank.
"Wait, are we talking about mummies here?" Sheldon demanded. "Because reanimating dead matter isn't nearly as impressive as creating new life and what use is the walking dead anyway?"
"There's always an apocalyptic scenario," Raj pointed out.
"There's no way that would actually work," Sheldon disagreed. "I have a plan for that and I know how to handle a gun."
"He's not dead," Dr. Furter said, twitching. "Someone unwrap Rocky. I need to feast my eyes on his beauty."
Once 'Rocky' was unwrapped he was wearing only underwear (and while Raj wasn't sure quite why he was wearing anything at all he was rather grateful for it) and he appeared to be a model of some type. The wrapping must have been quite good as his blonde hair was still dry.
Naturally, the first thing that Rocky decided to do was start singing about swords and how much his life sucked while running around the lab. Raj could kind of feel for him, actually.
Dr. Furter then received the accolades of his followers but unfortunately Columbia didn't seem to have given him enough praise so he stalked back over to him and Sheldon.
"Sheldon, Rajesh, what do you think of him?" he asked loudly enough for Columbia and the others to hear.
Raj smiled encouragingly and gave two thumbs up.
"What do I think?" Sheldon repeated. "I think that you just created life and that I'm not leaving your castle until I know everything."
Dr. Furter smirked, pleased. "That can be arranged."
"Oh, good," Sheldon said, apparently not noticing that Dr. Furter seemed more the type to keep them there than to share his knowledge.
Dr. Furter, done with them, then moved away and started singing about how wonderful Rocky was.
"Is it just me or do you get the impression that he created life so he could have somebody to have coitus with instead of for the science?" Sheldon asked disgustedly. "That sounds like something Leonard would do."
"Not Howard or Penny?" Raj whispered.
"Them too," Sheldon conceded. "But I thought that as Leonard is the only one with a doctorate he stands the best chance."
"Eddie!" Columbia suddenly squealed.
Raj looked over to see a man drive a motorcycle out of the freezer. Well, that was odd.
The man had an ugly-looking scar on his forehead but didn't seem to notice that or that he had just been frozen because he started singing nostalgically about rock and roll. He was probably on something. Raj wished that there was something for him to be on so he could stop whispering. When Riff Raff came by again he'd have to remember to ask about that.
Dr. Furter clearly wasn't pleased about yet another interruption but it wasn't until Rocky started dancing along that he shoved Rocky into the elevator and slammed the door before chasing Eddie back into the freezer with a pick-axe.
"Well," Sheldon remarked, breaking the stunned silence. "I guess Columbia was serious about his not liking to be interrupted."