Hey guys, Mariah here. I've been in a deep state of depression lately, but somehow I was actually able to write some EO. Needlesstosay, I miss Elliot. This is AU as in: Kathy is gone, and the Necklace scene has been changed in two ways. 1. Olivia found the necklace when cleaning out Elliot's desk (fyi I think she really did...go check out the scene) and 2. The deleted scene where she does get his little note thing...the medal is actually a police badge, not the marine one. This starts off right when she gets the envelope from El in the deleted scene and I go on from there. It's three parts, and here is part one!
The entire fic was mused by the song Believe Me by Fort Minor. I built off of the mood from that song.
parts 2 and 3 are finished, but I'm not sure if I should post them. Not sure if the EO fandom lives on...let me know what you think and I'll post part 2!
Olivia took one look at the package and her heart stopped. She couldn't breathe, and if it wasn't for the audience of colleagues watching her with unmasked, knowing expressions, she would stay frozen in place until she could again. For clarification, she scanned the letter and bit her tongue to keep herself from crying out. She knew it was his handwriting, but seeing the name Elliot Stabler scripted onto the package turned all of her wishes into reality. But along with her wishes came fear.
In front of her, Olivia finally had the answers she has wanted...that she has needed. She's spent the last nine months wondering and making herself believe reasonable explanations for his sudden disappearance. But all of the wondering was about to end. He was finally going to speak to her.
Olivia never realized she had become so engrossed in her thoughts that she had sat down at her desk. How long had she been outside of reality? She glanced at the envelope in front of her and quickly slid her shaking fingers under the seal. A small card like paper sat in her palm and disappointment set into her bones as she realized that was all the envelope contained.
The small paper opened up and her eyes fell on the small badge taped onto the left side of the paper. Her fingers ran across the cool metal and her knees went weak, knowing that his fingers had run across the very same spot just days ago. She forced her eyes away from the one thing that brought them together over twelve years ago and fell on three short words.
Olivia finally breathed and along with that breath came her feelings. Her eyes automatically started to water, a recent habit that started with any mention of her partner, but she forced the tears off. She could feel the eyes of her colleagues on her. They knew who had sent her the package.
She dropped the paper and let out a frustrated growl that turned into a strangled moan. The emotional walls she had spent the last nine months putting up came crashing down because of three words and a fucking badge. The detective slammed the paper on her desk as an unaided rage fell across her body. Over nine months of nothing and he sends along some cliché marine saying? Was she supposed to read between the lines? Because Olivia Benson was tired of reading between the lines. She's done it for twelve years with her hard headed partner and she was tired of trying. Elliot wanted to play a game of hide and seek with words but she wanted her answers as straight up as they could come.
I don't want to be the one to blame…you like fun and games? Keep playing 'em…I'm just saying. Think back then we was like one and the same- on the right track, but I was on the wrong train- Just like that, now you've got to face the pain and the devil's got a fresh new place to play. In your brain like a maze you can never escape the rain… Every damn day is the same shade of grey.
The detective picked up the envelope and shoved the now cracked badge and crinkled paper into it. She jumped out of her chair and ignored the aggressive shuffling of papers from her coworkers as they busied themselves from her business. Olivia did the walk of shame across the unusually silent bullpen towards her captains office, but stopped suddenly as Cragen emerged. It was as if he knew she was coming.
"Sir-" she started as the Captain walked the few steps to where she stood.
"Olivia, he's gone."
Cragen pointed to the envelope she was clutching to her side. "Elliot. He's gone."
Was he rubbing it in her face or something? Olivia knew Cragen wasn't trying to be mean about it, but he had been pretty harsh with Olivia when it came to Elliot since he left.
"I know that..."
"Have you finally found your closure?"
Olivia gaped at her captain. Closure? "What are you-"
"Don't stupid me, Olivia. I've been watching you for ten minutes. The letter was obviously from Stabler."
"It wasn't a letter." Olivia argued. It was a fucking note. If that.
"Whatever it was, it's not a reason to run away from your job to process it."
"What? I'm not running away…"
Cragen nearly laughed aloud. "Olivia, were you not coming to my office to ask for the day off?"
"He's gone. Your priority is here. You and Nick have an active case to work through."
Olivia struggled with her words. He was right…but she couldn't stay. "Munch will help him out."
"You're his partner. Nick is your partner."
"He's not...I mean... I have to go-" Olivia started to turn but her Captain grabbed hold of her arm.
"Sir, please. I'm leaving." Olivia stubbornly pulled her arm away from the captain's grasp and started to walk away.
"You were in love with him."
Olivia froze, and so did the rest of the precinct. Both Fin and Munch choked on the air in their lungs before shuffling papers around. Typical "I didn't hear it" language that means you obviously heard it. The now red faced detective turned to face her captain, but he avoided her gaze as if ashamed of what he said.
Nobody has ever spoken of her relationship with Elliot in that way… and the captain of all people should know not to… was it that obvious? Hell, anybody who had seen the two of them together knew. But nobody has dared to speak of it aloud. It just…the subject was never brought up.
twelve years Olivia Benson kept her feelings hidden, and for the most part (on her good days) aside from the job. It was a habit; she didn't think twice of it. And now her captain blows it all up…in front of her colleagues. Olivia wasn't embarrassed. No. She could never be ashamed of her feelings. She was just shell shocked and angry. She didn't want to feel that way and she was tired of Elliot conflicting with her work. He was no longer here…so he should no longer be mentioned.
The detective knew this would be one hell of a mess to clean up, but she couldn't worry about that now. She needed to go.
"Well…wow. I'm just…going to go now Don." Olivia shuffled her feet as if waiting for the captain to explain himself.
"Olivia, wait. I didn't-"
Hey…I used have a little bit of a plan. Used to have a concept of where I stand. But that concept slipped right out of my hands and…now I don't really even know who I am. What do I have to say? Maybe I should do what I have to do to break free. Whatever happens to you, we'll see…but it's not gonna happen with me.
"How could I not be?" Olivia finally spoke and brought her eyes back to the captain. "How could I not be?"she repeated, her voice showing the anger and emotion that filled her insides. Her body shook as the feelings that had consumed her for nearly thirteen years finally broke from her heart and found words.
Cragen, who obviously wasn't expecting the answer he received, straightened up and frowned at the detective. The silence was so deafening and full of acknowledgement –and so obviously awkward- she was sure everybody's ears were red, not just hers.
"Sir…I need the day off. I'm going whether or not you allow me the leave time."
"You can go." He finally set her free.
And so she went.
Were you real, or was it all for show? Your heart can't feel, 'cause if it could you would stop yourself and see the way I need for you to set me free. (Changing Colors; It's Alive)