A/N: My first Harry Potter fanfiction! I usually write for BBC's Merlin and Katekyo Hitman Reborn, so…
My knowledge in Italian is rather lacking, by the way.
The story's sort of crack (as you can probably tell, what with the title and summary being so ridiculous), but I hope you enjoy it anyway!
In Which Harry Potter Decides that his Calling in Life is to be a Mob Boss
Harry doesn't understand many things about himself, and he understands even fewer where Voldemort is involved (like the man's obsession with mind-rape, for example). Mostly, the things about himself that he doesn't understand are the things that Voldemort has had a finger or a few toes in, and so when he wakes one day to find that all he has ever wanted was to be is a mafia boss, the first intelligible thing that he shouts (after his garbled attempts at Italian) is, 'VOLDEMORT!'
Because who's fault could it be but?
Harry spends the rest of his summer trying to learn Italian, starting first with tourist phrase books that tell him to say 'avete del succo d'arancia' if he wants orange juice, before delving into the more complicated things, like how 'la' is used for feminine singular nouns beginning with any consonants.
The Dursleys, unsurprisingly, leave him alone, because the one time Vernon Dursley had tried to snatch Harry's IDIOTS: LEARN ITALIAN book away from him, he had been smashed in the head with a flying kick they hadn't known Harry knew.
By the end of summer, Harry is rather proficient in Italian, never mind the fact that he'd only started three months ago. He's magic, after all, and one must make exceptions. So on the 28th of August, Harry James Potter packs his trunk, shouts, 'vorrei andare alla stazione!' and heads off to London (in the front seat of the Dursleys' family car) and to King's Cross Station.
Ron is no stranger to strange things. Giant spiders are strange, Hermione dating Victor Krum was strange, Hermione dating Cormac McLaggen was strange. In Ron's opinion ('obviously incorrect opinion,' Hermione would add), he's pretty much gained immunity against all things strange and absurd.
This, however, crosses the line.
Ron stares and stares some more as a Harry-lookalike saunters onto Platform 9 ¾ dressed in a snazzy suit, looking more like a dark-haired version of Draco Malfoy (who, dressed in his own snazzy suit, ends up gaping indignantly at the similarly suited teenager) than a suited version of Harry Potter. And then the Harry-lookalike spots him, and waves.
'Ah, Ron!' the Not-Harry (Ron refuses to acknowledge him as the Harry Potter) purrs, and he's got this strange way of trilling the 'R' in 'Ron' that Ron finds Very Strange, 'ciao!'
'What?' Ron says, and then he looks around the platform, and especially at Malfoy, like he expects Death Eaters to pop mushroom-like out of the ground. 'Er,' he adds, 'ciao?'
Harry nods, looking satisfied. 'I have things to discuss with you, Rrron. We shall find us a comparrrtment, and then we shall wait for Herrrmione to come join us.' And then Ron is dragged, dazed and confused, into the Hogwarts express.
Strange, Ron thinks, and that's it.
Far away in an undisclosed location, Wormtail scurries towards his Lord and Master (May he forever be snake-like and evil) and whispers, 'D-did the s-s-spell wo-o-work, my Lord? Does the P-P-Potter boy now t-t-think he's a mafia boss?'
Said Lord and Master (May he forever be snake-like and evil) pushes Wormtail away with a foot and closes his eyes, travelling through the dark tunnels of his mind and arriving finally at the connection between him and the Boy-Who-Lived.
With a hiss of delight, he presses inside, brushing away the weak Occlumency shields that the Potter-boy had built around his mind, and he watches. He sees the Potter-boy preening in front of a mirror with slicked back hair and an expensive suit, sees him terrorizing his relatives, and sees the stack of LEARN ITALIAN books by the side of his bed.
'Yes, yes!' Lord Voldemort cries, 'it worked, it worked! Wormtail, fetch me my whiskey! I need to celebrate. With this, Potter will be so occupied with building his famiglia that he'll leave my megalomaniacal plans alone! And by the time he realises what he's done, my plan will be complete and Potter will be dead! Aren't I brilliant, Wormtail?'
'Yes, my Lord! You are brilliant, my Lord! You are great, my Lord! No one can compare to you, my Lord! You are –'
'Fetch me my whiskey!'
'Bloody hell, mate,' Ron says, once they're seated safely in a compartment. 'What's up with the bad Italian accent?'
Not-Harry pauses where he's trying to slick his hair back (oh my god, Ron thinks, what the hell?) and frowns in a very unhappy sort of way. 'Bad Italian accent?' he echoes, and Ron nods fervently.
'Yeah, like you're some sort of Mafia boss from some weird movie or something. And the Malfoy hairdo. And the suit! I mean, what's up with that?'
Not-Harry plucks self-consciously at his suit. 'This is Armani,' he says. 'What's wrong with it?' And then his eyes darken and Ron realises that he really should just shut up.
Hermione's arrival turns out to be a Godsend, even though the first thing she says is, 'Harry, what have you done with your hair!' Ron had been hoping for something more along the lines of 'Ron! I've missed you so!' but wishes are wishes, so he doesn't really mind.
Not-Harry ignores Hermione, much to Ron's disapproval, and rises dramatically to his feet, his eyes burning dark and dangerous. His suit jacket flaps open and this tie (silk, Ron notes, and probably also Armani) flutters in a non-existent wind, creating overall a rather impressive image.
'I,' Harry declares in a very loud and un-Harry like voice, 'am a Mafia Boss.' Then he sits back down and soaks in the shocked silence, looking incredibly satisfied with his own brilliance.
'What?' Hermione finally says.
Harry nods solemnly. 'I am Harry James Potter of the Cosa Nostra. Will you join my famiglia?'
'Sure,' Ron says, because it all makes sense now, Harry's in the mafia! and Hermione hits him in the arm and hisses, 'don't encourage him!'
'We shall be Il Trio Dorato,' Harry says. 'The Golden Trio. Lovely name, don't you think?'
Somehow, Hermione finds herself being dragged, once again, into one of Harry's crazy plans. And though she suspects that this particular crazy plan is the product of someone who actually is crazy, she doesn't really mind. Because she's with Ron and she's with Harry and they're all friends, and perhaps this mafia thing Harry's suddenly obsessed with will turn out to be something good in the end.
'Did someone say something –'
' – about a mafia?'
Harry looks up from where he's crouched over an INTERMEDIATE ITALIAN FOR MAFIA MEMBERS book, and glances up at Fred and George.
'Our little brother,' Fred starts, 'said something –'
' – about a mafia famiglia called Il Trio Dorato,' George continues, 'and said that –'
' – you were the boss and that we should beware, because he's your –'
' – right-hand man.'
They both stare at Harry with equally excited eyes, and Harry blinks. 'Have you got a problem with it?' he finally says, because both Fred and George are starting to creep him out with the staring. His role as a mafia boss aside, he's still a teenager iffy about pissing off Fred and George. He had once woken up with pink and purple hair, and it hadn't been pleasant.
'A problem?' Fred sounds scandalised. 'Of course not!'
'As a matter of fact,' George adds, 'we want to join. Criminal minds should stick together after all!'
'We swear fealty to you, Trio Dorato Primo!'
Harry looks satisfied, and tosses them a BEGINNERS ITALIAN FOR MAFIA MEMBERS book. 'Here,' he says, 'it's not bad.' And smirks delightedly when they splutter in protest.
News of Il Trio Dorato spreads quickly around Hogwarts like hot news usually does, and soon, everyone is clamoring for a chance to join. Harry is fast running out of copies of BEGINNERS ITALIAN FOR MAFIA MEMBERS, and so, organises Italian Language classes during weekends instead. The teachers find it hilarious, and since the savior of the Wizarding World is the leader behind this whole thing, no one but Severus Snape really minds (although Severus Snape eventually takes to lurking around the back of the classrooms during the Italian Language courses).
Il Trio Dorato, composed of most of the Hogwarts students (including, rather surprisingly, Draco and his posse) becomes a respected mafia family, known throughout Europe for being the strangest mafia family to ever exist.
Harry is a good leader who cares much for his subordinates, and who loves his right-hand man like a brother and his advisor like a sister, and who also announces one night that Il Trio Dorato is going to raid Voldemort's hideout and destroy him once and for all.
Il Trio Dorato is a close-knit mafia famiglia, so they holler, 'si!' and grab their wands and their guns (Harry had introduced the use of muggle weaponry after Neville Longbottom had sat on his wand and had broken it, putting him out of commission for almost a month), and run for the door.
Harry knows where Voldemort's hideout it, of course.
He's seen it in a dream.
Meanwhile, in a location no longer undisclosed (it's actually Sicily, ironically enough), Voldemort, drunk on whiskey and on the taste of his successful spell, is completely unaware of the coming danger.
So it's not very difficult for Harry to come up and shoot him in the head. It's rather anti-climatic, really, and also a little sad.
The spell, which Voldemort had creatively named the 'make Harry Potter think that he is a mafia boss' spell, breaks along with its caster's death; but Harry, far too in love with his new life and with his famiglia, choses to continue living as the leader of Il Trio Dorato instead.
And so it is that a new era begins, a golden era, made golden through the protection of Il Trio Dorato, and an era devoid of oppression and fear and snake-like megalomaniacs.
Everyone lives happily ever after in the end.
Even Severus Snape.
A/N: Don't get me wrong. I love Severus Snape. He's one of my favourite characters and I'm sad that he's dead! Right. I hope you liked this! I'll bake a tray of virtual cookies for anyone who reviews! I got rather bored of it nearing the end, which explains why it ends up being rushed, but I hope that it turned out okay anyway :)
Here's a little extra: Draco Malfoy Meets Snazzy Harry on the Platform
When Draco Malfoy steps onto Platform 9¾ , the first thing he sees is a teenager in a snazzy suit. He feels immediately annoyed, and tugs at the sleeves of his own snazzy suit self-consciously. No one else in Hogwarts (except maybe Blaise when he happens to be in the mood) wears snazzy suits but him! No one in Hogwarts is allowed to look cool in a snazzy suit but him! So feeling a suddenly Gryffindor urge to confront the snazzy fellow, Draco Malfoy steps forward, wraps a hand in the sleeve of his target, yanks, and finds himself face to face with Harry Potter.
Draco blinks. And then he turns red.
'No one is allowed to wear snazzy suits but I, Potter!' and from his giant repertoire of about a hundred sneers, pulls the most disdainful one onto his face.
Harry sneers back just as disdainfully, perhaps even a little more. 'Stai zitto,' he snaps, and then, 'shut up! My snazzy suit is snazzier than your snazzy suit!'
Draco gasps and clutches at his heart. 'Perish the thought! What do you think you're doing, anyway? Think you're some sort of mob boss, Potter?'
Harry preens. 'As a matter of fact,' he says, 'I am. And it's Potter of the Cosa Nostra to you!'
Draco, for once, is at a loss for words.