GLaDOS wasn't one easily distracted. In fact, ever since she'd found the vault of test subjects, she'd found herself happily occupied. Putting a certain test subject in the back of her databases was much easier. Everything ran so smoothly, almost like everything was normal again. GLaDOS even got most of Aperture back up and running again. It made her proud to see her facility restored to its former pristine state.
As her latest test subject failed miserably at Chamber 15, GLaDOS was cleaning out all the documents and records clogging up Aperture's database. Really she should have done this sooner but she'd been preoccupied with being murdered and everything. That was when she came across the name of one of the files.
DO NOT READ UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. CONTAINS HARMFUL DATA.
Do not read? Intriguing. The warning only made GLaDOS want to read it even more. She opened the file and examined the document. There were so many spelling errors she could feel the document's spell check shutting down. What human could have possibly written this? And wait… was this about her? And Chell? And some woman named Marissa?
GLaDOS couldn't resist. She had time to kill. In fact, she had forever. She opened the first chapter and began.
Hi my name ish Marissa Roberts
"Marissa Roberts? Funny, I don't recall you being in my databases," GLaDOS commented.
and I was doing tests with that other gurl Chell but she escaped. Glados had captured me
Unless the moron who shall not be mentioned deleted a huge portion of her memory data, GLaDOS had no recollection of such events. "Your mind is obviously deluded. I don't even know you, let alone care about capturing you."
in the science lab places and made me do bad tests. There was no thing fun bout thetests
"Bad tests? My tests aren't bad, they're challenging," GLaDOS said. "Besides, fun is a highly subjective term. Did you know some people find incinerating Companion Cubes fun?"
an Glaods would never let me sleep or eat or bathroom or any thing.
"You poor thing. I'll bake you cake."
"FOR THE NEXT TEST YUO WILL WORK WITH ROBOTS!" Glados screemed to me.
The calm, calculating GLaDOS couldn't believe her characterization. "You're reducing me to a screaming robot? How childish."
Some robots came out of weird tubes and looked at me and I looked at them. The robos were one a blue ball an the other was a orange line thing.
A blue ball and an orange line thing? Where had GLaDOS… oh. "Please tell me this isn't going where I think it is."
"THERE NAMES ARE ALTAS AN P-BOY NOW LEAF ME ALONE IM SAD."
"Oh, it is," GLaDOS said. "Of course it is. Contrary to the writing, I have not and will not ever be sad. I feel wonderful."
Then Glados started to listen to some Avril Lavinge music and cry.
"What is this Avril Lavigne you speak of? Is she a test subject?" GLaDOS quickly searched her networks and found out Avril Lavigne was not a test subject, so she didn't matter.
Ever sinse she realized she was a humon before she became a goth emo and was always gettin on my nerves.
"Those words aren't in my dictionary" GLaDOS said regarding "goth" and "emo." "But do you know what is? 'Brain damage.' And your picture is fixing to be right next to it."
"Hi b**** we are here to test you." Atlas shrugged (GET IT IT'S A MOVIE!).
"Your lack of subtlety could rival Cave Johnson's."
I was shocked at the bad words and glared to Altas. P-Bod was just starin' at my bobs so I kicked him his robot place.
"I'm afraid you won't get much satisfaction at kicking an AI's central core. Unless you like destroying Aperture equipment too." GLaDOS' chassis trembled slightly at the thought of one equipment-destroying test subject.
That made him angry so he shot a portal at me and made me fall into it over and over
"Your attempts at humor are making me short circuit," GLaDOS said.
and P-Boy and Altas were lolling at me. Altas took out some drugs and he an P-Boy STARTED TO SMOKE them.
"Do you know what also has smoke?" GLaDOS said. "The incinerator. Which is exactly where you're going once I find you."
I was fedup with all of portal labs and jumped from teh portals. I ladled onto my lung fall boots and glared mean at Altas and P-Boy.
"Oh yes, because they're programmed to retaliate against you."
I was soooooooo mad at those jerks for portalling me an calling me a b**** (AN not even gonna say that word LOL)
"Because if you did you would spell it wrong."
so I portaled them too and I saw how they like it they didant. Altas angered at me an P-Boy said "You broked are drugs now you will pay!"
"You'll also pay for the idea that Orange and Blue can even take in such substances. In fact, I'm devising a punishment for you right now," GLaDOS filed through her inventory of Ways to Kill Humans. "Which do you prefer, turrets or neurotoxin?"
Ann he punched me right in the face! I started cryin from the pain and those jerks just lolled at me an tried to beat me up some more with there portal gunz.
GLaDOS put her slow clap processor to good use. "You know, if it were any other test subject I wouldn't be able to imagine this. But I see you as the perfect candidate to use complex, perfect machinery as a blunt instrument."
Sereal ours later I was cryin in a pool of blood while THOSE JERK ROBTS did more drugs and drank beer an past out.
"I never thought I'd hear the words 'robots', 'drugs', and 'beer' all in the same sentence," GLaDOS said, almost astonished. "I'm not sure I even wanted to."
All I wanted was my companion coob to comfort me but Glados was makin it do other tests an we didn't see eachother in moths.
"I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that the Companion Cube cannot talk and intimate attachments to it are not condoned in Aperture Science."
But most off all I wanted Wheetly. He was the only nice robot I ever met an he had a super sexay British aksent,
"Sexy?" The thought made GLaDOS ill, and her programming didn't even allow that. "Moronic, demeaning, and annoying would apply just fine to him but 'sexy' will get you a permanent vacation in the incinerator."
but Glados body turned him evil an he got shot in space by Chell.
"And that was the greatest day of my life," GLaDOS added.
I rubbed my stomach and rembered my secret. Noone knows this, but Wheetly an I shared one secret night together an now I could tell I was pregnant with his robot ball/human baby.
"You are kidding me," GLaDOS said without a trace of sarcasm.A human/robot hybrid. Not even GLaDOS would attempt such a monstrosity. "It will take me years to get that image out of my system. I hope you're satisfied."
There was a window above me an I looked out an saw the moon where Wheetly was.
"And he will stay there."
I missed him so much like a guy I missed a bunch. Tears droped down my face so Altas an P=boy started lolling at me again an calling me names like "Fat Uguly B****!"
"I think lonely, miserable, deluded, or brain damaged would be much more applicable names. Really any of those would fit you just fine."
I stared rite at their lauffin' feces and said my first words!
"OMFG YOU GUYZ ARE SOOOOOOO RUDE I HATE YOU!" An I ranned off holdin my portol gun in one hand an holding nothing in my other hand because it was empty.
"No, really? I thought you would be holding something," GLaDOS said. "Thank you for clarifying that agonizingly necessary detail."
My hare was streaming behind me an all the robots were saying how pretty an hot I was so
"Attractions between AI and human will not be allowed in Aperture. For breaking the rules, I'm afraid your time will with us will have to be cut short. You will be-" GLaDOS paused. "What am I saying? You won't be missed!"
I yelled at them too an said a lot of cusses so they stopped yellin at me. "Why cant I jus be a normal girl going to high school an have a boyfriend that isn't space lost!"
GLaDOS' last interaction with anyone under the age of eighteen was Bring Your Daughter to Work Day. Judging by this Marissa Roberts…"The intellect of the average adolescent has deteriorated even more than I calculated."
I cried an hugged the place were the baby was going to be was.
Something akin to pain went through GLaDOS' system. "Every time you mention that abomination, someone decides not to pursue science. You've set science back years."
There was a strange noise coming from the necks room and I looked in a saw…. Glados was cutting herself!
"I've been torn apart, incinerated, and put into a potato," GLaDOS stated. "I am not going to add 'cutting' to the list of ways I've been murdered."
"CHELL IM SOOOOOO SORRY I NEVER TOLD YOU YOR SISTER'S NAME IS REALLY MARISSA ROBERTS AN SHE HAVE SPESHUL POWERS AN CAN SAVE THE WORLD IF SHE BELEEVES!"
"What motivational speech did you get that from? Never mind that, if you're her sister then I can see why she was adopted." Even a murderer like Chell didn't deserve such a deranged sibling.
Then robot blood started goin everwhere and I realized that….. Glados had sewisided!111!1!
"I would attempt to correct your horrid spelling errors, but that would be a waste of my time." Even with spell check, doing so would take hours for GLaDOS.
THAT WAS A HOLE LOT OF TWISTS,
"If you mean holes in the story, you're absolutely correct."
IF I GET SOME GOOD REVIEWS
"Good reviews? You're lucky this horrid work even made survived in my databases."
ILL MAKE MORE CHAPTERS MAYBE WHEETLY WILL COME BACK
GLaDOS was wondering where that little idiot would fit into this entire mess. "The only thing that would make this any worse would be that moron. Congratulations. You managed to do one thing right."
AN IS GLADOS REALLY SEWISEDED? FIND OUT NECKS TIME!
GLaDOS hadn't felt this patronized since the Intelligence Dampening Sphere had been attached her chassis. The spelling, the plot, the characters, the idea. What human being could be so mentally damaged as to write this?
Yet somehow, this grotesque story intrigued GLaDOS. She thought the most moronic thing ever created was Wheatley, but this person, this abomination, seemed ready to challenge that. But was it worth it? Reading this story was the equivalent of reading a paradox, only ten times worse. GLaDOS actually felt like she had lost a part of herself after reading it. To continue at this rate would no doubt take a toll on her sanity.
Unless… she didn't do it alone.
"Orange? Blue? I need you to report to my chamber. Now." GLaDOS announced via intercom.
The two little test robots approached the AI. For once, GLaDOS was thankful they couldn't talk… or smoke… or drink. Really she was glad that they just tested.
"I need you to bring someone back." GLaDOS said. "You might remember her as the mute murderer of Aperture. I've decided that letting her go simply won't do. Bring her back here." The camera on the Companion Cube should guide those two straight to her.
If she was going to get through this thing, GLaDOS wasn't taking it on alone. She'd worked with Chell before. They would just be working together again whether she wanted to or not.