GLaDOS wasn't one easily distracted. In fact, ever since she'd found the vault of test subjects, she'd found herself happily occupied and putting a certain test subject in the back of her databases. Everything was going smoothly; it was almost like everything was normal again. GLaDOS even got most of Aperture back up and running again. It made her proud to see her facility restored to its former pristine state.
And now as the next test subject, failed miserably at Chamber 15, GLaDOS was cleaning out all the documents and records that had been clogging up Aperture's database. Really she should have done this sooner but she was preoccupied with being murdered and everything. That was when she came across the name of one of the files.
DO NOT READ UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. CONTAINS HARMFUL DATA.
Do not read? Intriguing. That only made GLaDOS want to read it even more. She opened the file and examined the document. There were so many spelling errors she could feel the document's spell check shutting down. What human could have possibly written this. And wait… was this about her? And Chell? And some woman named Marissa? GLaDOS couldn't resist. She had time to kill. In fact, she had forever. She opened the first chapter and began.
Hi my name ish Marissa Roberts Marissa Roberts? Funny, I don't recall you being in my databases. and I was doing tests with that other gurl Chell but she escaped. Glados had captured me Your mind is obviously deluded. I don't even know you, let alone care about capturing you. in the science lab places and made me do bad tests. Bad tests? My tests aren't bad, they're challenging! There was no thing fun bout thetests Test aren't supposed to be fun you insipid little human. an Glaods would never let me sleep or eat or bathroom or any thing. You poor thing. I'll bake you cake.
"FOR THE NEXT TEST YUO WILL WORK WITH ROBOTS!" Glados screemed to me. Really? You're resorting to reducing me to a screaming robot? How childish. Some robots came out of weird tubes and looked at me and I looked at them. The robos were one a blue ball an the other was a orange line thing. Please tell me this isn't going where I think it is… "THERE NAMES ARE ALTAS AN P-BOY NOW LEAF ME ALONE IM SAD." I have not and will not ever be sad. I'm fine. Then Glados started to listen to some Avril Lavinge music and cry. What is this Avril Lavigne you speak of? Is she a test subject? Ever sinse she realized she was a humon before she became a goth emo Those words aren't in my dictionary. But do you know what is? "Brain damage." And your picture is fixing to be right next to it. and was always gettin on my nerves.
"Hi b**** we are here to test you." Atlas shrugged (GET IT IT'S A MOVIE! The only thing I get is your lack of subtlety could rival Cave Johnson's.). I was shocked at the bad words and glared to Altas. P-Bod was just starin' at my bobs so I kicked him his robot place. I'm afraid you won't get much satisfaction at kicking an AI's central core. Unless you like destroying Aperture equipment too. That made him angry so he shot a portal at me and made me fall into it over and over Your attempts at humor are making me short circuit. and P-Boy and Altas were lolling at me. Altas took out some drugs and he an P-Boy STARTED TO SMOKE them. Do you know what also has smoke? The incinerator. Which is exactly where you're going once I find you. I was fedup with all of portal labs and jumped from teh portals. I ladled onto my lung fall boots and glared mean at Altas and P-Boy. Oh yes, because they're programmed to retaliate against you.
I was soooooooo mad at those jerks for portalling me an calling me a b**** (AN not even gonna say that word LOL Because if you did you would spell it wrong.) so I portaled them too and I saw how they like it they didant. Altas angered at me an P-Boy said "You broked are drugs now you will pay!" You'll also pay for the idea that Orange and Blue can even take in such substances. In fact, I'm devising a punishment for you right now. Which do you prefer, turrets or neurotoxin? Ann he punched me right in the face! I started cryin from the pain and those jerks just lolled at me an tried to beat me up some more with there portal gunz. You know, if it were any other test subject I wouldn't be able to imagine this. But I see you as the perfect candidate to use complex, perfect machinery as a blunt instrument. *clap* *clap* *clap*
Sereal ours later I was cryin in a pool of blood while THOSE JERK ROBTS did more drugs and drank beer an past out. I never thought I'd hear the words "robots", "drugs", and "beer" all in the same sentence. And I'm not sure if I even wanted to. All I wanted was my companion coob to comfort me but Glados was makin it do other tests an we didn't see eachother in moths. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that the Companion Cube cannot talk and intimate attachments to it are not condoned in Aperture Science. But most off all I wanted Wheetly. He was the only nice robot I ever met an he had a super sexay British aksent, Sexy? Moronic, demeaning, and annoying would apply just fine to him but "sexy" will get you a permanent vacation in the incinerator. but Glados body turned him evil an he got shot in space by Chell. And that was the greatest day of my life. I rubbed my stomach and rembered my secret. Noone knows this, but Wheetly an I shared one secret night together an now I could tell I was pregnant with his robot ball/human baby. You are kidding me. It will take me years to get that image out of my system. I hope you're satisfied.
There was a window above me an I looked out an saw the moon where Wheetly was. And he will stay there. I missed him so much like a guy I missed a bunch. Tears droped down my face so Altas an P=boy started lolling at me again an calling me names like "Fat Uguly B****!" Well, you got the "fat" part right. However, I could also apply lonely, miserable, deluded, brain damaged. Really any of those would fit you just fine. I stared rite at their lauffin' feces and said my first words!
"OMFG YOU GUYZ ARE SOOOOOOO RUDE I HATE YOU!" An I ranned off holdin my portol gun in one hand an holding nothing in my other hand because it was empty. No, really? I thought you would be holding my sanity and running away with it. My hare was streaming behind me an all the robots were saying how pretty an hot I was so Attractions between AI and human will not be allowed in Aperture. For breaking the rules, I'm afraid your time will with us will have to be cut short. You will be- what am I saying? You won't be missed! I yelled at them too an said a lot of cusses so they stopped yellin at me. "Why cant I jus be a normal girl going to high school an have a boyfriend that isn't space lost!" The intellect of the average adolescent has deteriorated even more than I calculated. I cried an hugged the place were the baby was going to be was. Do you realize how much pain you're causing me right now?
There was a strange noise coming from the necks room and I looked in a saw…. Glados was cutting herself! I've been torn apart, incinerated, and put into a potato. I am not going to add "cutting" to the list of ways I've been murdered. "CHELL IM SOOOOOO SORRY I NEVER TOLD YOU YOR SISTER'S NAME IS REALLY MARISSA ROBERTS AN SHE HAVE SPESHUL POWERS AN CAN SAVE THE WORLD IF SHE BELEEVES!" What motivational speech did you get that from? Never mind that, if you're her sister then I can see why Chell was adopted. Then robot blood started goin everwhere and I realized that….. Glados had sewisided!111!1! I would attempt to correct your horrid spelling errors but that would be a waste of my time.
THAT WAS A HOLE LOT OF TWISTS, And there are a "hole" lot of screws loose in your mind, aren't there? IF I GET SOME GOOD REVIEWS Good reviews? You're lucky this horrid work even made it online. ILL MAKE MORE CHAPTERS MAYBE WHEETLY WILL COME BACK The only thing that would make this any worse would be that moron. Congratulations. You managed to do one thing right. AN IS GLADOS REALLY SEWISEDED? FIND OUT NECKS TIME!
GLaDOS had never felt this patronized since the Intelligence Dampening Sphere had been put on her body. The spelling, the plot, the characters, the idea. What human being could be so mentally damaged as to write this?
Yet somehow, GLaDOS was intrigued. She thought the most moronic thing ever created was Wheatley but this person, this abomination, seemed ready to challenge that. But was it worth it? This was like a paradox, only ten times worse. GLaDOS actually felt like she had lost a part of herself after reading it. She would be just as moronic as the writer of this if she kept reading.
Unless… she didn't do it alone.
"Orange? Blue? I need you to report to my chamber. Now." GLaDOS announced via intercom.
The two little test robots approached the AI. For once, GLaDOS was thankful they couldn't talk… or smoke… or drink. Really she was glad that they just tested. But there was one other thing she needed them to do.
"I need you to bring someone back." GLaDOS said. "You might remember her as the mute murderer of Aperture. I've decided that letting her go simply won't do. Bring her back here." The camera on the Companion Cube should guide those two straight to her.
If she was going to get through this thing, GLaDOS wasn't taking it on alone. She had worked with Chell before. They would just be working together again whether she wanted to or not.
A/N: This is really just to cure my writer's block. I've always enjoyed reading people make fun of bad fanfiction and it helps get my creativity flowing! And this story is HILARIOUS! It's like the "My Immortal" of Portal fanfiction! Anyways, I might continue; it all depends on my mood.
I read this is kind of... against the rules. I'll take it down if people are really bothered by it but a friend looked over it and said it was funny so I thought maybe I could see if it would stay up here? Like I said, it all depends.