~*~Ten Things I Hate About You~*~
by Hatter of Madness


"Oi, Moony, come look at this."

"Coming, James."

Remus carefully tiptoed over to James. The boys were in their seventh year at Hogwarts and lately James had been boasting about the fact that even though Remus deserved it, it had ended up being James who was Head Boy, alongside the Head Girl and his new girlfriend, Lily Evans. He was a bit afraid of what James would do to him.

"Yeah?"

"Look what I found in Sirius's bed!" James said excitedly, holding up a piece of parchment.

Remus squinted at it at an attempt to read Sirius's small handwriting. "'Ten Things I Hate About Remus J. Lupin'?" Remus asked. "Oh, this ought to be interesting..." And he placed it back on Sirius's pillow.

"Don't you want to know what it says?" James asked.

"It's Sirius's private thoughts," Remus said. "I'd rather not."

"But don't you want to know what Padfoot hates about you, Moony?" James said, toying with his Head Boy badge again. Remus flinched slightly. The way James treated that stupid badge never failed to annoy him. "I won't play with my badge for a fortnight if you read it," James offered in singsong.

"James, not even you leaving that stupid thing alone could get me to pry on Sirius's innermost thoughts. The answer's no." Remus sat back on his bed and opened his Defense Against the Dark Arts textbook. James watched for a moment, then tried a new plan.

"I would do your homework for a fortnight."

"I'd rather take a passing grade, thanks," Remus said, rather bored yet impressed that James knew the word 'fortnight'; he had used it twice already in the conversation.

"Well, then, I suppose I'll tell everyone about how much you fancy Padfoot, then."

Remus abruptly put his book down. "How'd you know I fancied Sirius?"

"I didn't till now."

If looks could kill, James would be burnt to a crisp. "I hate you, Potter."

"Feeling's mutual, Lupin," James said, jumping up and grabbing the list off Sirius's pillow. "Now read," he said, waving the parchment under Remus's nose. "You know you want to," he added, in singsong once more.

"James Potter," Remus warned, but he took the parchment again anyway and read aloud to please James.

10 Things I Hate About Remus J. Lupin

Snivellus, if this is you reading this, then I recommend you stop. I hate you, Snivellus, and if I found out you read this then there won't be anything left for me to hate.

Also if this is you, Moony, well, then...surprise! And if this is you, Prongs or Wormtail, then you tell Remus and you better well get your arse to the hospital wing as fast as you can. Because you wouldn't want the same fate as Snivellus would because you are obviously better than Snivellus.

"Is that a reason he hates you?" James asked innocently.

"No, James, it's a warning not to read it," Remus said. "I don't think this is such a good idea..."

Remus continued upon seeing the look on the other boy's face.

10. I hate the way he talks to girls like he's some kind of womanizer.

James burst out laughing.

"It's not funny, Prongs," Remus warned, already annoyed at James beyond belief.

"You?" James said, wiping a tear from his eye. "A womanizer? Good Merlin, he's a genius! We all know that you're not into girls like that, are you, Moony?"

"Shut up, James," Remus muttered.

"A womanizer! Why...oh, Merlin...you're just...oh, good Lord..."

"James Potter."

"Ahem, sorry."

9. I hate the way he actually does his schoolwork. I mean, really, who does that anyway?

"Some of us would like to pass," Remus said.

"Not me."

"We all know that one, James."

8. I hate the way everyone likes him.

"Aww, Sirius feels lonesome!" James said.

"Oh good Lord, James," Remus said.

"Well you are rather likable."

"I won't correct you on that."

"Arrogant bloke."

7. I hate the way the way he always reads my mind. I can't even say anything anymore because he fucking beats me to it like the asshole he is.

"I officially love you, Sirius," James said, laughing hysterically once more.

"You're pushing it James, you're really pushing it."

6. I hate it when he lies. Like his little secret that he didn't even tell us. We had to work it out ourselves. And he's lied about other things. But I'm still mad about the secret keeping.

"Is he talking about when you wouldn't tell us you were a werewolf?" James asked.

"I don't know, Prongs," Remus said, but deep down, he thought that James was probably right.

"Well, you didn't have a choice about telling us that one, did you? You weren't even supposed to come to Hogwarts in the first place. If it wasn't for Dumbledore..."

"James, shut up and let me read this."

5. I hate it when he's not around. I feel so lonely. Summers are the absolute worst because he's not there with me.

"Do you believe me now that Sirius is lonesome?" James asked.

"Do you believe me when I say I'm going to beat you to death if you keep interrupting me?"

"No, but I don't really like the look you're giving me now, so I'll let you finish."

4. I hate the way he taunts me with his mere existence.

James frowned. "What does that mean, I wonder?"

"Dunno," Remus said, starting to get nervous.

3. I hate the way he always springs up in my every thought and in my dreams. It's like I'll be having a really pleasant dream about Snivellus falling off a broom into a whomping willow when—SURPRISE!—there's Remus Lupin to save the fucking day.

At this point, James was laughing so hard, there were tears falling down his cheeks. "Oh, Merlin, that's a good one!" he managed to say. "Like you would ever actually save Snivellus!"

"I wouldn't want him to die, Prongs," Remus said angrily, throwing the parchment down. "There's a fine line between humiliation and death."

"So if Snivellus was ever actually stupid enough to get on a broom and fly into the whomping willow, you'd go all noble like and rescue his sorry ass?" It was like this was a foreign concept to him.

"No, I'd let a person die knowing full well I could save him," Remus said sarcastically, rolling his eyes. "Yes, James, I would rescue him."

"And I thought I was stupid!"

"James Potter..."

"Continue, please."

Remus rolled his eyes, picking up the parchment again.

2. I hate how much pain he goes through during his time of the month.

"Oi, Remus, why didn't you tell me you got your period?" James said, practically bouncing.

"James Potter!"

"YOU'RE A WOMAN!"

"JAMES POTTER, YOU IGNORANT SON OF A BITCH—"

"Oh, shit..."

"He means my transformations. At the full moon?"

"Yeah, but it was funnier when it sounded like he was talking about your monthly gift, didn't it?"

"James Potter, I will fucking murder you in your sleep if you don't—"

"I'd rather live, thanks, since Evans finally agreed to go out with me." He was finally silent.

"Thank you," Remus said, clearing his throat.

1. I hate how I l—

He stopped.

"Well?"

He blinked, looking at the parchment.

"No wonder he didn't want us to read it," he said quietly.

James peered his neck to see.

"Read it, Moony, I have night blindness," James said.

Remus knew he didn't, but started again.

1. I hate how I love him so much but I could never have him. This is why, Snivellus, if you're reading this, you are fucking dead to me. You better God damn hope that Madame Pomfrey knows what the hell she's doing once I'm done with you. And Prongs and Wormtail, well...you tell Remus and I will tear you limb by limb like the little beast I am. And Remus, or Moony, or whatever you want me to call you, if you're reading this...will you be mine?

"You've got to go talk to him," was all James said after a prolonged silence.

"Go talk to who?" Sirius asked as he and Peter Pettigrew, their other best friend, walked back in the room. He saw the parchment in Remus's hand as he slowly set it down on the bed. Realizing what it was, Sirius said, "You bastard—"

He had more to say, but Remus jumped off the bed he was sitting on and kissed Sirius passionately. When their bodies separated, Sirius stared at Remus for a while, and said, "Aren't I a fucking poet, Moony?"


Yay, I'm finally done. I've been working on this for-ev-er and I'm finally finished! I hope you liked it. And I loved Sirius's comment at the end. I sound as arrogant as some characters in this -_- Oh well. Please review. Also please check out my other HP stories. I'd love you forever.

- Hatter of Madness