Author's Note: Third installment! Exciting, yes? I'm excited. I'm not actually quite sure where I'm going with this so let me know what you think/things YOU'D like to see/suggestions. This first chapter is mostly flashbacks but they are important. The next chapter will be the official beginning of the story, which will start a couple of months after Sam's death.
Let me know what you think!
P.S. In the last flashback, Jude is close to turning 2!
"You know, we've been up here for a while. I wonder if you're mom is ever going to wonder what we've been doing since we obviously haven't been playing guitar," Haley started.
Victoria shrugged, "I'm sure she's not worried. It's not like demons are much of a problem anymore anyway."
"Okay so that was kind of a happy ending," Haley said, referencing the end of the second journal. "I didn't know that your mom and dad were so in love like this. It's actually really romantic."
"I know. I never really knew all of this either. I mean, they've talked a little about it but after reading these, I realized how crazy they are about each other," Victoria replied.
"Man, where do my parents come in?" Haley joked.
"They'll probably come in eventually. That or we should snoop around your mother's attic in hopes of finding secret diaries," Victoria joked too.
"I highly doubt my mother kept any diaries," Haley said back.
"You know, my mom and dad, every Saturday morning, will just sit at the table together. Sometimes they talk a lot but other times they don't say a thing and I remember at five years old just sitting at the top of the steps and listening to the – whether it was silence or not – and thinking: yeah, that's love. They just seemed so happy together. It didn't matter if it was silence. It was one of those good silences. They enjoyed just being with each other. They still do!" Victoria admired.
"Aww, that just makes me want to read more. Can we read the third diary?" Haley asked.
"Hah, yeah. Okay, let's see… Ooh this is good…
Diary, so much as happened that I don't even know where to start… I guess I'll write about all the big things that have happened so far…"
"Hey, Meredith?" I heard a voice ask.
I turned around to see Cameron standing in the hallway. He had just come from outside to get the mail and stood at the door. He looked kind of scared.
"Hey, Cameron. What's up?" I asked.
"I just got the mail," he replied.
"Okay?" I replied, almost as if it were a question. Why was he being so weird.
"I uh… I got my letter from UNC," Cameron stammered.
"Oh my God! Well, have you opened it yet?" I asked.
"Yeah," Cameron replied, paralyzed.
"Cameron, are you-," I started.
"I got in!" he exclaimed, a smile spreading across his face.
"Oh my God!" I exclaimed.
"Yeah! I got in, Meredith! Holy shit!" he exclaimed.
"Congratulations, Cameron! Oh my God, this is amazing! UNC is your dream school! Wow…" I said, moving over to Cameron and then hugging him. He hugged me back and then the two of us pulled away. "Well, let's see that acceptance letter!"
"Haha, okay," Cameron chuckled. He still seemed to be in disbelief of it all. He pulled out the letter and handed it to me. I read the first line over and over that let Cameron know that he had been accepted. This was so exciting!
"Where is everyone? I think you should tell them," I encouraged.
"Yeah? You don't think anyone would be mad? I mean… you think they'd let me go?" Cameron asked.
"I'm pretty sure that everyone will be happy for you," I chuckled.
"Okay," Cameron laughed a little.
"Actually, you know what? I think I might call my dad."
"Yeah?" I asked.
"Yeah," Cameron replied. Cameron's dad had been trying to get back into contact with him. He had left several messages on the answering machine, apologizing to his son but Cameron had just said that he wasn't ready yet and that it wasn't right time. Now, maybe it was.
"You should," I smiled.
"Okay," Cameron said. "I got into college!"
I smiled. I was so happy for him. I had watched the kid work so hard in school for the past two years and finally all of his hard work was paying off.
"Wait, Dean, slow down. I'm sorry, you're going to have to explain all of this again," I said.
"You know how Cas said that we were looking for Michael's sword? Yeah, well another dickwad angel came by to tell me that Michael's sword or Michael's vessel or whatever is not a thing but a person. It's me, Mer," Dean growled angrily.
"You mean the thing that can defeat Lucifer?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Yeah," Dean replied. He paced back and forth in the waiting room of the hospital. Bobby was alive which was good and after everything that had happened, Dean and I were paying him another visit. I worried about the both of them but at the moment, I was extremely worried about Dean.
"But how, Dean?" I asked.
"I don't know. Apparently all I have to do is say yes to Michael and I become his meat suit and battle it out with Lucifer," Dean replied.
"Baby, please sit," I begged.
"I don't want to sit!" Dean snapped. It stung a little but I understood why he was so edgy lately. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have snapped at you. It's not your fault."
"It's okay," I said.
"How's Bobby?" Dean asked.
"He's good. They're discharging him tomorrow," I replied.
"Good. What am I going to do, Mer? I can't say yes! These angels act like I'm their frickin' puppet!" Dean exclaimed.
I nodded slowly, "I know. But look, we'll wait it out. I think if there's one thing I've learned from all this, it's that we can never tell what's going to happen next. We'll do it together." Dean took a deep breath and sat next to me. I reached for his hand and he held mine, our fingers entwined.
"How is that you always know what to say to me in these kinds of situations?" Dean asked.
I shrugged, "I've had a lot of practice. Let's just say we've been in a lot of these kinds of situations."
"I don't know what I'd do without out you," Dean replied. I leaned my head on his shoulder and he leaned his head against mine.
"Yeah, well, let's hope you never have to find out," I said back.
"Hah, let's hope," Dean replied. He kissed my forehead and then returned to laying his head against mine. The two of us just stayed there for a while. I knew that Dean was having a hard time, especially with Lucifer out of the cage now, but whatever happened, I promised myself and I silently promised him that I was going to be there with him, by his side, no matter what happened. A long time ago we had said that we were in this for good. Well, here we were, in it for good.
"Damn, it's so hot!" I sighed, fanning myself with my hand. The air wasn't working properly and it was yet another Indian summer in South Dakota. Dean had gotten back from a hunt last night so we were having a 'do nothing' day in honor of that. I hadn't been going on a lot of hunts lately to stay home and take care of Jude. He was turning one soon, which was exciting for both Dean and I.
"Babe, did you turn the A/C on?" Dean asked.
"Yeah, the apartment's air apparently isn't working right," I replied, discontent. "I hope Jude is okay."
"Well, as of now, he's fast asleep. I've turned on about as many portable fans as I could in his room," Dean reassured.
"Thank you," I smiled. "I just wish they would fix whatever it is…"
"Well, lucky for you, I've found a way to cool off," Dean smirked.
I shot him a funny look, "What exactly do you have up your sleeve, Dean Winchester?"
"Oh don't worry, baby. We won't be needed any sleeves. Actually, we won't need any clothes at all," Dean replied. Dean took my hand and led me to the bathroom, turning on the shower. He pulled back the shower curtain and then kissed me. He wrapped one arm around my waist, pulling me close to him. His kisses were intoxicating and I couldn't get enough. With his other hand, Dean grabbed the shower head and I shot him a funny look.
"Dean, what're you up to?" I asked.
"Nothing, just this," Dean replied, before spraying me with the ice cold water, shooting out of the shower head. I screamed loudly as the cold water was a shock to me.
"Dean!" I yelled. I was now soaked with water and I just glared at him.
"Well, you wouldn't wanted a way to cool down!" he defended himself.
"You're so going to get it," I said, playfully competitive. I ran towards him, attempting to grab the showerhead from him but he held it above me, knowing that he was so much taller than me. "Dean!" I laughed as I struggled against him.
"What was that? Oh, you can't reach?" he teased.
"Shut up!" I said, hitting him playfully.
"Ow!" he exclaimed.
"Uh… you sprayed me with water," I pointed out. I took that moment to grab the showerhead and get my revenge on him.
"Meredith! Damn, that's cold!" Dean shrieked.
"How do you like it now?" I joked.
"Hey!" Dean exclaimed, grabbing my waist and pulling me towards him. The two of us stumbled to the floor, Dean leaning up against the bathtub and me leaning up against him. The two of us exchanged glances and laughter as we just sat there. Dean reached over the tub and turned the water off as the two of us sat there, soaking wet. Dean leaned down and kissed me gently. "How's that for cooling off?"
"Hmm, I liked it," I replied. He let out a hearty laugh and then kissed me again. Sometimes our normal days were the best ones.
"Alright, well we'll just have to celebrate our two year anniversary when I get back from my trip. I'm so sorry, Ethan, but the company called last minute and it's not really something I can get out of. Ughhh, I really hate this," Molly explained.
"It's alright. Babe, I'm going to be fine, here. It's all going to be okay. Just, take a deep breath. We can celebrate when you get back," Ethan said, attempting to calm his girlfriend down. Molly knew she needed to calm down and took a deep breath. The two of them exchanged glances and laughed a little.
"So you're not going to disown me for leaving on such short notice?" Molly asked.
"No, I know the whole fashion week thing makes people crazy, so I get why you have to leave. Hey, aren't I the one that has to leave every five seconds to do a surgery?" Ethan reminded.
"Yeah, you are," Molly chuckled.
"Exactly. In fact, I actually want to do quite the opposite of disowning you," Ethan started.
"What do you mean?" Molly asked, confused.
"Well," Ethan started, taking Molly's left hand in his. "To commemorate our two year anniversary I thought maybe we could do something like this." Ethan pulled a ring out of his pocket and slid it onto her finger.
Molly gasped, "Ethan, oh my God! What… what does this mean?"
"It's what you want it to mean for now. We can talk about it when you get back or if it's too fast you don't have to take it but in theory, it means that we're engaged," Ethan replied.
"Oh my God! Yes, of course I'll marry you, Ethan!" Molly squealed, jumping into his arms and hugging him. She was amazed at what a cool delivery he had when asking her to marry him. He was just so calm about it all.
"You will?" Ethan asked.
"Yes, baby, yes," Molly smiled, on the verge of tears. She kissed her boyfriend – well now fiancé – before pulling away. "Happy two year anniversary!
"Happy two year anniversary," Ethan smiled back.
"I hate demons!" Dean exclaimed.
I chuckled, "I know, me too, babe."
"They're just so… ughhh. I can't even say it with Jude around so uh… they're so… bad. There we go. Demons are bad!" Dean exclaimed.
I laughed as Dean tried to control his language around Jude. We were close to celebrating his first birthday and already Jude had started mumbling and making noises so we knew that sooner or later, we'd really have to think about our language.
"Bad? That's… really descriptive Dean," I teased.
"Hey! Our son has already started walking. He'll grab onto the couch and start walking or he'll walk a couple of steps towards me before falling down. Sooner or later he'll be talking!" Dean exclaimed. He then focused his attention on Jude. "Jude, I want you to know that your Mommy and Daddy are going to teach you how to kick a demon's a- butt."
"Demons are bad," I repeated. Jude looked up at us with his beautiful blue eyes and laughed.
"You heard Mommy. Demons are bad," Dean said.
Jude laughed hysterically before yelling out something that resembled the word, "Bad!"
"Bad?" I asked. Dean and I exchanged glances.
"Bad!" Jude exclaimed.
"Oh my God, Dean, he just said 'bad'," I said.
"He just said 'bad'! Look at you, buddy! You're quite an over achiever. You know, I bet all the other babies your age are still trying to walk but look at you already walking and talking!" Dean exclaimed.
"Yes, well Jude does have some pretty cool parents," I joked.
"Yeah, just a little bit," Dean replied.
"Meredith," Dean started.
"Yeah?" I asked.
"Now listen to me. I'm about to go after Sammy. He's already let Lucifer in and I need to go to him," Dean said. My jaw dropped in surprise.
"Alright then, let's go," I said. I wanted to be by his side for this because I knew that it was breaking his heart to have to see his brother like this.
"I can't," Dean said.
"What do you mean?" I asked, confused.
"I can't let you come with me," Dean finally said.
"Why not?" I asked, annoyed.
"You could get hurt," Dean said.
"So? I'm a big girl, Dean. I can take care of myself and I've proved that to you!" I exclaimed.
"Because, Sammy is probably going to die okay? Actually, there's no doubt about that. Sam is going to die and I can't let you die either. I need you to stay and take care of Jude. You two are all I have left and… I need to know that I have you to come back to!" Dean argued back. I swallowed. I hadn't seen Dean this emotionally vulnerable lately. I could tell he had been trying to keep it all bottled up but now he was just losing it.
"But what if I can help?" I asked.
Dean shook his head, "Please, Mer. Just do this for me."
"So, you just expect me to sit around and wait for this all to be over?" I asked.
"Yes," he replied. This was going to kill me.
"How can you say that?" I asked, in disbelief.
"Because I love you, okay? I can't let you die!" Dean shouted. As much as I wanted to go and help I knew I would get nowhere in arguing with Dean.
"If it's really what you want," I started, reluctantly.
"It is," Dean said.
I slowly nodded, "Okay. I'll stay out of it. I think I'll uh, go over to the Falcon with Jude. Meet me there after?"
"Okay," Dean said.
"Dean, what's wrong?" I asked. He had a worried expression his face that I recognized instantly.
"If I don't make it out of there-," he started.
"Don't talk like that, please," I begged. With everything I had, I wished that this wasn't actually happening and that I didn't have to lose someone else.
"Meredith, we have to think like this. This is our fucking job. I'm sorry but somehow we got into this shitty mess and we have to think like this. Now if anything happens to me, please move on. And know that I love you," he said.
"Dean, nothing is going to happen to you," I assured. The assurance was probably for the both of us and as much as I wanted to believe it, I knew that I barely did.
"But if something does-," He said.
"I love you too," I replied, cutting him off. I didn't even want to think about it. He then leaned in and kissed me passionately. I kissed him back. Why did this feel like a goodbye? That's because it could be.
"Be careful okay?" I asked. Every fiber of my being was screaming at me to not let him go but I knew that I had to. I was so afraid that he wouldn't come back but I just had to trust him.
He chuckled, "At a time like this, I'm not sure that's possible." I gave him a look. "Alright I will be." He could tell that this was hard for me too.
"Dean, I don't know if I'm ready for this," I admitted.
"Me either but it's time," he said.
I nodded slowly, "Alright, you should get going then," I said.
"Okay," Dean agreed. We kissed and embraced one last time before Dean set off. It scared the hell out of me and I was even sadder because I never got to say goodbye to Sam. Sam never even got to say goodbye to Jude. It wasn't fair.
To occupy myself and avoid going crazy, I ended up helping out at the café. Jude was sitting on the floor in a space that we designated a play area for him, and was playing with some toys. I did some waitressing in the café, just to keep busy. Blake and Cameron were home from break but neither of them were working so it was just me and Andrea tonight. Blake and Cameron had decided to take a break and talk things over this summer. I hoped that they'd be able to work things out.
"You okay?" Andrea asked.
I nodded slowly, "Yeah. I haven't heard from him yet which worries me a little."
"I know it's hard but you're doing the right thing, staying here with Jude," Andrea reassured.
"Okay," I said. "Hey, I'm going to get table five but it's starting to get late and I should probably head home soon."
"Alright but don't torture yourself, Meredith. Call me if you need anything," Andrea said.
"Okay, I will," I replied. I finished up my work at the café and then headed home with Jude.
"Mama?" Jude asked.
"Yeah, baby?" I asked back, concerned. Jude seemed a little worried and I was starting to wonder if he knew.
"Daddy gone?" he asked.
I nodded, "But only for a little while. He's going to come back."
"Demons bad?" Jude asked.
I chuckled, "Yes, demons are bad, sweetie. Go to bed though. Don't worry about those things right now. How about we talk in the morning though, okay?"
"Okay," Jude replied.
"Goodnight, sweetie," I said, before kissing his forehead and getting off of his bed to turn off the light. I left the nightlight on and cracked the door so that it was barely open.
After I tucked Jude into bed, I went into the living room and turned on the TV. I flipped through the channels and saw the Whose Line Is It Anyway was on. I smiled, as it reminded me of the time when Dean and I watched it together and ended up talking about future children. Well, here we were Dean. We had a beautiful and amazing son. I just hoped he'd be back. I kept watch TV in hopes that it'd distract me, but I couldn't fight the restless feeling. There was no way I was going to sleep.
After a couple more hours, I heard the lock click and the door opened. I practically jumped up off of the couch and saw Dean standing in the doorway. He looked so broken. He had a couple of cuts and scrapes on him and I was actually surprised that it wasn't worse.
"Hi," I said. I was so grateful that he was okay that I ran over to him. "Oh thank God you're here!" I flung myself into Dean's arms and the two of us held each other for a long time. Finally, we pulled away and I looked at him.
Dean smiled weakly. "Are you… alright? Is that even a real question for me to ask? I'm sorry, I just-"
"No, don't be sorry. It's okay," Dean replied. He took a deep breath and took a moment before finally saying it. "He's gone, Mer. He's really gone." I didn't know what to say. I could feel the tears springing to my eyes but I didn't want to get upset. Not right now. I wanted to be strong and I wanted to be there for Dean – not the other way around.
"Oh, Dean. I'm so sorry," I said, pulling him into my arms and letting him break down.
Words couldn't describe how I was feeling right now. I was extremely overjoyed that Dean was okay but there was this hole in my heart that kept growing now that Sam was dead. I couldn't imagine how Dean was feeling.
"Sit down here and I'll clean up your wounds," I ordered and Dean obliged. He sat at the kitchen table and I went over to the kitchen sink and wet a paper towel. I returned to Dean and began to wipe the blood off of him.
"Are you okay?" I asked.
"Yeah, I'm fine I guess," he replied.
"I miss Sam," I sighed. "You know he loved you very much, Dean. Do you want to talk about it?"
"Not really," Dean answered, stoically.
"Okay," I said, nodding. Next I had to clean his wounds with rubbing alcohol. "I'll be right back." I went into the bathroom and got the rubbing alcohol from the cabinet and then returned to Dean with more paper towels. "This may hurt a bit." I pressed the towel into his first wound and Dean hissed.
"Ouch," he mumbled.
"Sorry," I said.
"How's Jude?" Dean asked.
"He's asleep right now. He was asking about you," I replied.
"He was?" Dean asked.
"Yeah, I think he was a little worried. You know, that kid is a lot smarter than we give him credit for," I said, attempting to bright up the mood just a little.
"Well, he definitely gets that from you – the uh, the smart thing," Dean replied, smiling a little.
I shook my head, "You're a lot smarter than you give yourself credit for."Dean just laughed a little. The next couple of minutes were filled with silence. I wasn't quite sure what to say to Dean and I was also pretty sure that he wouldn't want to talk. When things like this happened, Dean liked to just process it all.
"Hey, I love you, okay? Don't punish yourself for this," I said, breaking the silence.
"I know. I love you too," was all he said back.
The next hour was filled with cleaning up Dean and then just falling asleep with him. I felt safe and secure in his arms but when I knew he was asleep I climbed out of bed and went into the bathroom. I closed the door and then sat down and cried. I didn't want Dean to see because I knew that he was hurting, just as much and probably more, than I was and I didn't want to upset him.
"Sammy, I miss you. I love you," I whispered. Of course there was no reply. I hope you can hear me, I thought.
I knew he couldn't hear me but just in case he could, I wanted him to know. Sam was in Hell now and I wanted more than anything to bring him back but Sam had made Dean and I both promise that we wouldn't try that – that we'd go on living the apple pie life and be happy. I cried again for Sam. Sam always wanted to best for everyone around him. Sam was an amazing person. I missed him so much.
"Hey, you coming to bed?" I asked. Dean looked up at me from the spot he was staring at on the kitchen table.
"Yeah, in a second," he replied.
He cleared his throat and began to screw the top back onto his bottle of scotch. I took his empty glass off of the table and put it into the sink. It had only been a week since Sam's death and Dean had taken it pretty hard. All week he barely said anything. Jude could tell that something was wrong and was really trying to help his father. Dean appreciated the efforts, but I knew that none of them were working. All we could do now was support him – even if that meant not complaining when he wanted to drink.
"Okay," I said. I went back into the bedroom and several minutes later, Dean joined me. He got into bed and lay next to me. I just lay there. I didn't want to cross any lines with him. I lay on my side and closed my eyes, wishing I could take away his pain. I felt Dean drape an arm around my waist and I rubbed his forearm comfortingly.
"I love you, Mer," Dean said.
"I love you too, Dean. Goodnight," I said back.