Exhibit F, a Glee fiction
I do not own Glee. For ZigZagKlaine. Please review!
There will always be, in order to maintain the standard of imperfection in one's life, a moment of awkwardness and blunder, followed by a case of hilarity. For Kurt Hummel, there is not one moment.
The role of a normal boy is debatable. Yes, he has suffered the consequences of human stupidity. But he is a boy diva extraordinaire.
Proof you demand? Exhibit A, Finn Hudson. Exhibit B, Blaine Anderson. Please note that despite Finn's insistence on exhibit F for Finn was denied.
You may now proceed to point and laugh at his misfortune.
Four times this month Master Hummel has been a victim to awkwardness. We present situation one, aka cuddlefest.
Kurt was tucked into bed. "Hug me tighter?" he plead into the phone. Physically there were no arms around him. He imagined a pair of strong arms snaking tighter around his torso.
"I could just hug you forever," Blaine replied. He tightened his grip on the stuffed bear beside him. The red ribbon bowtie tickled his cheek.
"This is so comfortable." Kurt let short stubby arms of a teddy bear attack his waist.
"Really? So I'm not the only one?" Blaine pushed the bow out of his face.
Kurt ran his finger across the ear of his bear. It didn't have hair to get lost in, nor did shivers run down it's spine. It didn't even have a spine. "Mhmm."
"Take a picture. I wanna see you hug your teddy." He turned on his own camera phone to take a picture with his bear.
"With or without my pjs on?" Kurt toyed with the top button. Blaine couldn't see it, but the hesitation in his voice caused Kurt to wonder.
"As much as I'd love to say without, my naughty little boyfriend, I am not getting in trouble for sexting." He thought about it for a minute. "Maybe just a few buttons undone?"
Kurt took the picture, checked for bed head and sent it.
Xavier bear says hi papa Blaine!
In return, he received a picture of Blaine and the other bear.
Cole bear loves daddy Kurt!
Kurt had started to comment when Finn entered the room. He seemed to lost all concentration on why he had come in.
"Is that a teddy bear?" Kurt looked down to the bear squished between his arm and side.
"Why yes Finn, it is." He defensively held it closer to his body.
"Why?" Finn took a step closer.
"Blaine and I got matching bears. Don't you and Rachel share anything?" Finn sat on the edge of the bed.
"She made us cat calendars. My face is on a cat's butt." Awkwardness began.
"While the state of your relationship is ever so fascinating," he said, struggling not to cringe, "did you have a purpose for interrupting my conversation with Blaine?"
A quiet "hi Finn" was heard. He looked around, finally noticing the voice was coming from the phone.
"Rachel used the word escapade today. What's that mean?" He straightened the bear's tie.
"How exactly did she use it?" Kurt stole his bear back.
"She said 'My dads are going to be gone Friday night if you'd like to join me in another escapade.'" He ended with air quotes.
Kurt glimpsed down to his phone. Why had he left it on speaker?
"Finn, I'm not going to discuss your bedroom life with you." Kurt kicked him off the bed. He left and closed the door.
"Finn, you ruined our cuddlefest!" Blaine called out, but it was too late.
"Goodnight boys." Kurt ended the call. A moment later Carole came by to ask why her son needed a dictionary, but found Kurt asleep, cuddling up to a bear,
She smiled and closed the door.
Situation two, aka traffic hazard.
It was Friday and Puck was having a party. Rachel and Blaine were carpooling with the Hudmel clan.
"Oh Finn, I absolutely love this song!" She turned up the radio. His eyes glanced to the boys in the backseat, who were chatting amiably with each other.
"So we agree when we get married we're keeping your last name." Blaine rubbed Kurt's left hand.
"Yes. And then we'll name our first kid Anderson to honor your side of the family. Andy for short." Kurt grabbed onto his hand and held it as a promise.
"What if you have a girl?" Finn interrupted from the front seat.
Kurt faced the window. He could ignore Finn, considering they were getting close to the house. Then he could stay in his fantasy world of the future Hummels.
"We have plenty of time to figure that out." Blaine answered for him. "We're still young."
Kurt turned back to him. "Didn't you say we should live life while we're still young?"
Finn quirked an eyebrow. "Well making love and making a baby are two very different things." His neck snapped around in shock.
"Finn, you're driving!" They screamed as he veered into the next lane, a truck coming towards them. He jerked the car back.
"My little brother is having sex." Finn muttered distractedly. He made his way into Puck's driveway.
At the doorway awkward silence was killing him. "Did you use protection?" He would be the supportive big brother in this. After all, if he and Rachel could do it, why couldn't they?
"Did I just hear what I think I heard? Congrats Hummel." Puck smacked him on the back. Kurt tried to let go of Blaine's hand in embarrassment, but couldn't pull it away.
"Things are about to get awkward," Kurt whispered into Blaine's ear. "This group eats up gossip like a fat kid with chocolate."
Blaine just laughed it off.
Situation three, aka push it.
It was that annual day of the year that Kurt cleaned his room. He'd push around his furniture to give the room a quality scrub down. Normally his dad would help him out. After his heart attack he refused to ask him for help. He had enough stress with running against Sue.
Blaine offered his services when he heard about the situation. "It'll be faster with the two of us. Then we can go to Breadstix."
The door to his room was closed. They had the RENT soundtrack on full volume. Loud enough to not hear the phone ring or Finn trying to figure out his math homework.
Finn, I'm telling you the law of sines has nothing to do with stopping at stop sign at the corner.
But the law of cosines is when you need a parent to sign with you on something right?
You really need to pay more attention in class.
"Push harder!" Kurt grunted as he put his energy into moving his furniture.
"It's too big." Blaine tried putting his weight into his side and pushed.
"Wait. I have an idea." Kurt cleared off the top and set the drawers on the bed. "Okay, now push."
"Oh yeah. Slides nice and easy now." He bent down to rest. Kurt grabbed the cleaning supplies off the floor. At which point Finn barged in, with both boys out of view.
"Dude, I don't care if you two want to get it on, but could you make sure nobody else is home first?" Kurt held the cleaning rag in his hand.
"We're cleaning my room." He nodded toward the drawers on the bed.
Blaine stood up. "Why would you think otherwise?"
Finn colored. "I was going to tell you Burt and mom called when I heard your conversation. I guess my imagination got the better of me. Sorry."
"What'd dad want?" Kurt rubbed the dust away.
"They are running late so we're on our own for dinner." Finn backed out of the room. "I'll leave you guys to your cleaning."
The door shut. Kurt dropped his rag and kissed Blaine.
"I thought we were cleaning?" he breathed, caught off guard.
"Finn isn't going to interrupt us again. We might as well make good use of our time." His forehead leaned against Blaine's.
"I like the way you think."
They never did make it to Breadstix.
And lastly situation four, aka footsie.
Kurt sat across from Blaine at the table. His foot collided with the bare toes of his partner. Here they were, two teenage boys playing footsie over a lunch of grilled cheese and tomato soup. Finn dumped a pile of Goldfish crackers in his bowl.
He stared at Blaine. At first Blaine had thought he had accidentally footsied Finn. But upon looking down he found Finn's feet to be far away from his.
"Any particular reason you're giving my boyfriend the death glare?" Kurt dunked a corner of his sandwich.
"I am," Finn swallowed, "I am not giving him the death glare."
"I have felt a bit of hostility myself." Blaine wiped his mouth.
"Ever since he joined New Directions you've hated him. You liked him all summer long. What gives?" Kurt bit into his sandwich. Finn spun his spoon around to avoid the question.
"I don't hate him," he told his spoon. "I might be a bit jealous."
Blaine and Kurt exchanged a look. Their feet stalled. "Finn, you're talented. You play football, you sing, you have a girlfriend. My past was full of bullying and not being accepted for who I was. What could you possibly be jealous of?"
"If you say his hair, I will hit you over the head with the frying pan," Kurt threatened.
"It's not that bad." Blaine patted his own head to feel the locked in hair.
"It was so fluffy during the mash-off. So easy to run my fingers through." Blaine smiled at the memory of the fun they had after their performance.
"He has courage." They stopped to listen to Finn. "He serenaded you in public. Twice. He's managed to make friends with everyone in New Directions and is always ready to speak up. I used to be that guy." He ate a spoonful of soup. "Minus the serenading Kurt part."
"I'm sorry for making you feel incompetent," Blaine apologized.
"It's okay bro." He shook his hand.
Kurt smiled. This may be the best awkward moment of them and Finn.
"Uh, one question." Finn popped a Goldfish into his mouth.
"What does incompetent mean?"