"Bert and Ernie are Not Gay"
Or 20 Random Things About Danny Moving In With Steve
By Darth Stitch
DISCLAIMER:Not mine. Belongs to CBS, Peter Lenkov, the Powers that Be that run this wonderful show.
DISCLAIMER TO SAVE MY SOUL FROM GOING TO HELL IN A HANDBASKET: Slash of the Steve/Danny variety. Run if it's not your cup of tea. Also, be warned for shameless fluff and silliness.
1. So Steve offers to help Danny out with his current living arrangement problems. Hawaii doesn't make it easy for a cop, even on the salary from Five-0, to find somewhere decent to live (read: somewhere that is not Danny's rathole of an apartment or plague-infested motel room). It's a buddy helping out a buddy; that's what partners are for.
2. Steve's not an idiot – he knows perfectly well that there's a period of adjustment for the two of them. While he's had the luxury of having his own living accommodations on base as a Naval officer in the years before he returned home to Hawaii, there were still times when he bunked in with his SEAL team. So having someone invade his living space isn't really a novelty. And he knows things are going to be somewhat different since this is actually his own house now, not some impersonal officers' quarters or a tent with his team.
3. Steve figures that it only makes sense to set down some ground rules. Even stupid things about leaving the toilet seat up/down, toothpaste cap on/off, groceries, dishes, laundry – these things could make or break any relationship. He's honest enough with himself to admit that he likes Danny and he didn't want some stupid petty argument messing that up. Never mind the whole "ignoring-police-procedure-ham-and-pineapple-is-an-abomination-on-pizza-I-hate-my-ex-wife-with-a-fire-of-a-thousand-suns-because-I-barely-get-to-see-my-baby-girl-I-will-never-be-able-to-grab-a-date-again-when-I'm-standing-next-to-Hawaii's-local-GQ-model" litany that Danny has going on. Losing Danny's friendship over toilet seats was just stupid.
4. And of course, Danny just had to be unable to sleep without leaving the TV on full blast. At the most unholy, godforsaken hour imaginable because he couldn't sleep to the sound of the ocean waves gently lapping on the shore. Yeah, cliché, but come on, that was the most relaxing sound in the world - relaxing for everyone except for one loudmouth Jersey detective.
5. So, Steve buys the idiot headphones. Because. You know. His mother raised him to be a thoughtful and considerate host and it was the thoughtful and considerate thing to do.
6. Okay, Danny had to learn that Navy showers took 3 minutes precisely because fresh water was at a premium on a ship on the ocean. A "Hollywood shower," as they said, was a freaking luxury and a reward often handed out by commanding officers and yes, now that he was back on land, Steve indulged in it when he could.
7. Honestly, who in the hell took two hours to get ready for the morning? Catherine never took this long.
"Honestly, Danno, what the hell is taking you so long?" Steve complains to him. "Are you actually putting on make-up?"
"Shut up," Danny yells back. "It takes time to look this good and you – you with the GQ model thing you have going on – you let us lesser mortals have our chance, capiche?"
8. Steve still hasn't figured out why Danny always takes at least two hours to get ready in the morning. Danny resolutely maintains that it's an hour, tops, and nowhere near the long agonizing wait that Steve is claiming.
9. Grace absolutely loved staying over at Steve's and was happily given free rein to play with Mary's old Barbies and Steve's old G.I. Joes. It was not Steve's idea to have Dolphin Trainer Barbie fall in love with Navy SEAL Joe. Grace came up with that idea all on her own.
10. McGarrett House Rule #50 – Do not blame Steve if Grace decides to run away with a Navy SEAL instead of Prince Charming when she grows up.
11. Danno House Rule #50 – Do not talk to Danny until he's had a decent cup of coffee in the morning. And malasadas. In that order.
12. Danno House Rule #51 – People named Steve McGarrett are absolutely forbidden to make any observations on / take any action against the eating habits of Danny Williams.
13. McGarrett House Rule #51 – People named Danny Williams should not take it against their partners when said partners are merely concerned for their health and well-being by making sure they eat right.
14. Danno Internal Secret House Rule No. 50 – Must never let Steve catch Danny ogling his tats. And his abs. And the fact that he looks like a fucking sea borne god when he emerges from the ocean after his morning swim. And that he should really, really just stick to cargo pants and t-shirts instead of business suits, for the sake of Danny's peace of mind and remaining sanity.
15. McGarrett Internal Secret House Rule No. 50 – Must never let Danny catch Steve ogling his delectable behind. And the fact that Danny's hair is actually curly, begging to be mussed up and that Danny with bedhead in the mornings is absolutely adorable. And the fact that he has stopped wearing ties is seriously messing with Steve's mind because he's seriously tempted to nibble on Danny's exposed throat. And that Steve is planning to never let Danny move out of his house, if he can help it.
16. Steve learned that Danny's lasagna, learned from his very own mother, was, indeed, a little piece of culinary heaven. Danny learned that Steve's beef and broccoli stir-fry, learned from his mother, was a little piece of culinary paradise.
17. Inevitably, they had more "how-long-have-you-two-been-married-jokes" leveled their way.
18. "Fifty bucks says they're going to tell us they're pregnant in a week," Lori tells Max in this perfectly deadpan voice that would have convinced the Pope himself that she was being utterly serious.
"Sucker bet," Max proclaims solemnly. "Danny is glowing right now. I am said to be rather good at determining whether or not a person is expecting, therefore, I am stating that they will have a male offspring and I am willing to bet a hundred dollars on that outcome."
"...and I hope your first child will be a masculine child," Chin intones and if there was any doubt of Chin Ho Kelly's innate evil, Danny and Steve were now sure who was the real Dark Lord of the Sith standing in their midst.
Kono sniffles. "They are so, so sweet. I'm just saying. Hey, dibs on planning your wedding guys!"
"I hate you all, just so you know," Danny declares.
"If he doesn't stop eating cookies in bed, I might yet divorce him after a week," Steve sighs, finally giving up and joining the madness.
19. "Okay, stop," Danny says, finally having enough of this. "You people need to get your minds out of the gutter. Steve and I – and God, I know, it is a pain to admit this but never let it be said that I never spoke the truth. We're friends. Buddies. Best friends even. This is a totally platonic relationship, okay? Like Bert and Ernie."
Danny sees Steve's eyes widen and then make frantic slashing "Abort! Abort!" motions at him.
There is this look of positively unholy delight on Kono's face. "Bert and Ernie?Oh, Danny, tell me you did not just go there. You hear that, cuz?"
"I heard and he did just go there," Chin deadpans.
"It's fucking Sesame Street. Come on! Muppets! Kid stuff!"
"Evidently, Detective Williams has not heard of slash nor of Rule 34," Max pronounced solemnly.
"Oh, God, no, Max," Steve says. To Danny's amazement, the man is blushing.Even the tips of his ears are red. Apparently, Steve knows what Rule 34 is.
"Slash? Rule 34?" And of course, Danny's hands go automatically up in the air – Steve has already wryly observed that maybe the best way to shut Danny up is to hold his hands down. Danny has observed in turn that Steve is likely to get a punch in the jaw if he tried.The ensuing scuffle led to one of those awkward hot-and-bothered moments that they have mutually agreed to forget and never mention again.
Dreaming about it is another story.
"Danny, turn back now. It's not too late!" Steve is pleading with him.
"It's one of the Rules of the Internet," Lori begins and was that an evil glint in her eye?
"Lori – " Steve growls.
"If it exists, there is porn of it. No exceptions." Yeah, definitely pure evil right there.
Danny, of course, catches on fast and is scandalized. "There is such a thing as fucking Muppet porn?"
Everybody choruses. "Rule 34. NO EXCEPTIONS!"
"And then there's the corollary Rule 35, which states, 'if there is no porn of it, it will be made' which proves Rule 36," Max pontificates.
"And there's Muppet slash too," Kono says. "I mean, Bert and Ernie are like the Kirk and Spock of Sesame Street."
"Slash pertains to works of literature, notoriously fan fiction and fan art, that portray male characters in a loving romantic relationship," Max elaborates for Danny's benefit. "Captain Kirk and Spock are known as the classic romantic pairing among the slash fandom, not to mention that the word slash came from 'Kirk-slash-Spock.'"
Steve at this point has buried his face in his hands and is shaking his head.
Danny is outraged. "Bert and Ernie? Bert and freakin' Ernie? It's a kids' show, for cryin' out loud, what kind of perverts are you people?"
"Hey!" Chin objects. "Not my kink there, Danny. We're just telling you about it."
"And there is Rule 36, which is actually Rule 51 but they like it that way, which states 'No matter what it is,it is somebody's fetish.' Muppet porn isn't my fandom of choice but I have been known to lurk in the old Smallville slash sites. The bromance between Clark Kent and Lex Luthor was very obvious in the show's initial season…." Max drones on and stops when he sees everyone staring at him. "What?"
Kono shrugs. "Tom Welling and Michael Rosenbaum were pretty hot." At the looks from the others, she grins. "Just sayin'!"
"Okay, enough, Bert and Ernie are not gay and I am going far, far away from you sick-in-the-head people. Going now, thanks, bye!" And Danny flees to the relative safety of his office and pointedly shuts the door.
And no, he is not thinking about how adorable Steve looks when he's flustered.
At that point, everyone turns to a still-blushing Steve.
"Hey boss?" Kono ventures. "You think they got some RPS fics out there about you and Danny…?"
Steve's outraged bellow sends them all scurrying away.
20. Danno House Rule No. 55 – Danny Williams will now start wearing ties if Steve McGarrett does not cease and desist leaving incriminating marks on visible areas of his person before they leave for work. Honestly, noone is going to buy the "mosquito bite" excuse anymore, not that they bought it to begin with, since it has been established that the rest of their team are all pervs. And even that excuse is not flying with Gracie any more.
McGarrett House Rule No. 55 – Steve McGarrett will cease and desist leaving incriminating marks on visible areas of Danny Williams' person if the latter will finally go ahead and burn his tie collection.
I blame tvtropes dot org for educating me on the Rules of the Internet. It's a black hole that you will never get out from. Trust me.