A/N: One day I thought to myself: Who gave Harry the talk? I decided to make a one-shot about it. This is what I came up with. I hope you like it.
Disclaimer: I don't own the train ride in, or the pranks pulled by the twins. But because of FFN, I can keep on writing about the thing I wish happened.
Fred& George Weasley
Harry was dead. No, beyond dead. He had slept in past breakfast and had only three minutes to get to Potions class. Never in a million years was he gonna make it and he could just imagine Snape cutting out his organs and use his skin as a welcome mat if he didn't. He ran down the stairs to the common room and dashed to the portrait hole only to be stopped by the notorious Weasley twins.
"Hello handsome." Said George.
"Can we borrow you for a moment?" Asked Fred. They always wanted to talk at the most inconvenient times.
"Well actually I-"
"Perfect!" They interrupted in unison.
"Seeings how you don't have a father," Began Fred.
"or anything like one." Said George. "We feel that it is our duty-"
"because we're experts on the subject-"
"to give you the talk." Said George as Fred wiggled his eyes suggestively.
"You really don't have to do that." Said Harry, hoping to God that they wouldn't.
"We know." Said George.
"That's what makes us so nice." Said Fred.
"So Harry, Have you ever felt a tingle in your trousers?" Asked George.
"A ping in your pants?"
"A wow in your wiener?"
"I think you get the idea." Said Fred.
"Um, yes." Replied Harry awkwardly. He was beginning to think becoming a welcome mat wouldn't be so bad after all.
"Great! You're normal." Said George.
"Now Harry you need to know than an erection comes with responsibility." Said Fred.
"You can't just go sticking it anywhere. One must have standards." Said George.
"And tact. You need to have a good approach." Said Fred.
"In your case 'Hello I defeated Voldemort, want to shag?' could work."
"Always remember this, it's very important." Said Fred.
"If it smells funny,"
"or is all bloody,"
"don't enter it!" They said at the same time.
"Brilliant. I'll make sure to remember that." Harry said. He checked his watch and found that he had only one minute left before class started. He went to leave, but George stopped him.
"Hold on there, there's more." He said.
"Always use a condom." Said Fred matter-of-factly.
"We wouldn't want any little Potters running around here would we?" Asked George rhetorically.
"And the final," Said Fred.
"and the most important thing is," Said George.
"Don't have sex with Ginny!" Yelled the twins; probably loud enough for the entire Gryffindor house to hear them.
"Or Ron, if that's what you're into." Said Fred. Harry blushed out of embarrassment.
"He is! Look at him Fred; he's as red as a stop sign!" Said George.
"You know what, we don't care about Ron. Just stay away from Ginny." Said Fred.
"But if you and Ron do get together, just remember that I called it." Said George. "Okay, you can go now. We're done making you uncomfortable."
"For now." Fred Said. Harry rushed out the portrait hole and down the corridor. He ran even though he was already late. Although he knew Snape would skin him alive, he had never been more thankful for a potions class in his entire life.
A/N: So what did you think? Leave me a review and let me know so my life will have purpose. Please. I said please, now you have to. (Wishful thinking) Thanks for reading :D