A/N: With Thanksgiving less than one week away, this is to help get you in the spirit. Besides, I don't think BTR is going to do a Thanksgiving episode this year, so…

Disclaimer: I don't own a thing.

Logan Versus Thanksgiving Turkey

Mrs. Knight just returned from the market. She had picked up all the fixings for Thanksgiving dinner. All that was left was to make it in a couple of days. However, after cooking for four teenage boys and one pre-teen girl 365 days a year, Mrs. Knight wasn't in the mood to prepare such an extravagant feast…as the boys were about to find out.

"I love Thanksgiving!" James commented.

"I know, right? It's one of two days a year we get to eat the best food!" Carlos added, practically drooling at the thought of all that Thanksgiving food.

"So Mom, are we having the usual?" Kendall asked.

"Yep," she said. The four boys gave each other high fives. "Only I'm not cooking Thanksgiving dinner this year."

Big Time Rush looked at Mrs. Knight like she was speaking some foreign language that was incomprehensible to them. Their eyes bugged out, and they leaned their ears closer in the hopes that maybe they had just heard her wrong.

"Say what?" Kendall, James, Carlos, and Logan said in unison.

"I cook for the five of you every single day. I think I deserve a day off, don't you?" Mrs. Knight responded.

"Yes, but does it have to be on Thanksgiving of all days?" Carlos replied.

"Yeah, Mama Knight, if you're not cooking Thanksgiving dinner, then who is?" Logan asked.

Mrs. Knight stared at the four of them. Each of the boys turned around to look to see if someone was standing behind them or something.

"Us?" the four teenagers said simultaneously.

"We don't cook!" Kendall remarked.

"Hey!" Carlos protested.

"Carlos," James said seriously.

"Yeah, we really don't," Carlos stated.

"Well, I guess no Thanksgiving dinner for us then. Takes care of my problem," Mrs. Knight said nonchalantly.

"Emergency band meeting, bathroom, now!" Kendall said.


"A little warning next time would be appreciated, instead of just manhandling me," Logan said, clearing his throat and fixating his gaze on James.

"Manhandling…" Carlos said, snickering.

Logan elbowed Carlos in the ribs.

"Focus! Now we can't have a Thanksgiving without a Thanksgiving dinner, so what do we do?" Kendall asked.

"Why are you asking us? You're the leader!" James exclaimed.

Kendall didn't see what difference that made. Sure he was the leader of their band, but that didn't automatically make him the head of their nonexistent Thanksgiving committee or anything like that.

"I think the fairest thing for us to do is to delegate tasks," Logan said.

"Delegate?" Carlos asked, confused. "Why do you always have to use such big words that no one but you understands?"

"Delegate is not a big word!" Logan replied.

"Knock it off, you two!" Kendall exclaimed.

Carlos and Logan both stuck their tongues out at one another. Kendall and James were stuck in the middle of their two bickering friends, literally and figuratively.

"As for the Thanksgiving turkey…" Logan started to say.

"Not it!" Kendall responded.

"Not it!" Carlos chimed in.

"Not it!" James exclaimed.

Logan folded his arms over his chest. He was muttering unintelligible words under his breath. Kendall, James, and Carlos could've sworn they heard the word "traitors" amongst that garble.

"That was so not cool! I never even finished my sentence! How do you know what I was going to say, huh? For all you know, I was about to make some observation about the turkey in the refrigerator like the fact that it's Butterball," Logan rambled.

"Well, that settles it; Logan's in charge of cooking the Thanksgiving turkey," Kendall informed the others.

"Uh, no he's not!" Logan countered.

"All in favor of Logan cooking the turkey, say, 'I,'" Kendall said.

"I," Kendall, James, and Carlos said simultaneously.

"Unbelievable!" Logan exclaimed before storming out of the bathroom.


Logan busted out his trusty laptop, and looked up how to cook a turkey online. He found several different sites. Though there were slight variations in the procedure, the core ideas were very much the same. Logan wrinkled his face in disgust at what awaited him in the not-too-distant future.

Logan found Mrs. Knight curled up on the sofa reading one of her many romance novels. She was the only one in the living room at the moment too; just what Logan had been hoping for.

"Mama Knight, can you pretty please cook the Thanksgiving turkey again this year? I love you," Logan said, flashing her his trademark dimpled smile.

Mrs. Knight placed her hand against Logan's cheek.

"I love you too, but I'm not cooking a turkey this Thanksgiving," she said, before turning her attention back to her book.

Logan held his laptop in his hands. On the screen was step-by-step illustrations of how to prep a turkey for cooking.

"But how do you expect me to…Do you see what I have to…" he trailed off, shoving the laptop in her face. "It's so gross!"

"It'll be a good experience for you. After all, you do want to be a doctor when you grow up," Mrs. Knight commented.

"Not that kind of a doctor!"

Mrs. Knight snickered causing Logan to glare daggers at her. She quickly took on a much more serious expression even though Logan wasn't buying it for one second.


It was Thanksgiving Day. Logan wished he had a time machine so he could go back in time or forward in time. It didn't really matter so long as it was no longer Thanksgiving. He had been dreading this day ever since he got the unenviable task of having to cook the Thanksgiving turkey.

"Happy Thanksgiving, Logie!" Carlos said, cheerfully.

"Whatever," Logan replied moodily.

"Someone isn't a very happy turkey this morning," Carlos commented.

Logan couldn't help but notice that Carlos was shadowing him. It was also hard not to notice how Carlos had his phone at the ready. Naturally, Carlos had one of those smart phones that had a video recording feature in addition to a camera.

"Come on guys! You're gonna miss it!" Carlos shouted.

"Ooh! This I gotta see!" James remarked as he came bounding into the kitchen.

Logan rolled his eyes when in no time at all, every resident of Apartment 2J was in the kitchen watching Logan's every move intently. Did they seriously have no life? Didn't they have anything better to do with their time?

"What are you waiting for? Aren't you gonna get started?" Katie asked, not even trying to hide her excitement.

"Really? An audience? You guys are all horrible, horrible people," Logan said, causing everyone else to laugh. "No seriously. I'm not joking."

Even though Logan claimed to be serious, everyone knew better than to take Logan seriously. He was just crabby because he had to cook the Thanksgiving turkey today. That, hands down, was the most difficult thing to cook for Thanksgiving dinner.

Logan walked over to the kitchen sink, and proceeded to wash his hands with warm soap and water. Maybe it was their imaginations, but Logan seemed to take an awful long time to wash his hands. They all knew Logan was thorough, but this particular hand washing seemed a bit excessive even by Logan standards.

Logan opened the refrigerator door, and picked up the turkey. He had to use both hands to do it, and he was surprised by how heavy the thing was. Was the thing a Godzilla among birds or something?

Logan plopped the bird on the counter, retracing his steps to shut the refrigerator door. He then walked back over to the turkey, and slowly peeled off the wrapping. Kendall, James, Carlos, Katie, and Mrs. Knight kept glancing at the clock. It seemed like Logan was taking forever and a day.

"Now you have to remove the neck and giblets," Mrs. Knight instructed.

"I know what I have to do next, thank you very much!" Logan snapped back.

Mrs. Knight held her hands up innocently while Kendall, James, Carlos, and Katie laughed at Logan.

There were two cavities; one on top and one on bottom. The top one contained the neck, obviously. The bottom one…well, by process of elimination, it contained the giblets. Logan tentatively stuck his hand in the top cavity. Immediately, he pulled his hand back.

"Gross! It's all cold and wet!" Logan whined.

"You are such a girl," James said under his breath.

"Hey! I heard that!" Logan exclaimed.

Everyone but Logan were oh-so amused. Were they ever glad they were here to bear witness to this hilarious spectacle. Logan reluctantly drew his hand nearer to the top cavity once again. He stuck his hand in there, and as soon as he felt something, he recoiled in disgust.

"What was that? It was all squishy!" Logan remarked, hiding behind the counter.

The others could only see Logan from his eyes up. The rest of him was crouched down on the floor. He kept anxiously eyeing the turkey like it would magically come to life and attack him or something.

"It was just the pouch that contains the neck," Mrs. Knight explained.

"Oh," Logan said, rising to his feet.

Logan warily approached the bird again. He stuck his hand back in the top cavity, and in one swift motion, he removed the pouch.

"Ew! Ew! Ew!" Logan exclaimed before flinging the pouch in the sink so he wouldn't have to touch it one second longer than he had to.

"Now all you have to do is remove the giblets," Mrs. Knight said.

"Gee, thanks for the color commentary," Logan replied sarcastically.

Everyone was having so much fun at Logan's expense. He was the most…OCD…of the bunch. No one was quite sure, but every so often, they thought they heard the word "sanitary" escape Logan's lips usually preceded by the word "not."

"What are giblets anyways? Are giblets what I think they are?" Carlos asked, snickering.

"What? No! How would you remove them with your bare hands anyways?" Logan retorted.

"I don't get it. What does Carlos think giblets are?" Katie asked.

"Believe me. You don't want to know, baby sister," Kendall answered.

"Well, I just thought they'd be in a pouch too," Carlos said.

"I can't even…" James started to say before he ran off to the bathroom, hand clamped over his mouth, loud laughs reverberating off the walls.

While Katie was more confused than ever, Mrs. Knight no longer saw the humor in this. She scowled at the teenage boys.


Logan thought the first part was bad. The worst was still yet to come. If Kendall and the others thought the first part was funny, they'd no doubt be on the floor in stitches after they saw the next part.

"Um…can you guys please go somewhere else? I really don't want to have an audience," Logan said.

"And miss the fun?" Kendall replied, clapping Logan in the back.

Logan made a circle gesture around the turkey. "This is not fun for me!"

"Will you hurry up? I'm hungry," Carlos complained.

"Carlos, you're always hungry!" Logan exclaimed.

"No, I'm not!"

"Wanna bet?"

"Enough!" Kendall shouted. "Logie, quit stalling!"

"Logie, quit stalling!" Logan said mockingly.

Logan inched his hand towards the lower cavity. Carlos whipped out his cell phone, and had already started a video recording of this, much to Logan's chagrin. Just as Logan was about to reach in there, he pulled back.

"I can't! I just can't do it!" Logan said, thoroughly repulsed.

"Quit being such a baby!" James remarked.

He grabbed Logan's forearm.

"No! James, what are you doing?" Logan cried out in protest.

"I'm speeding things up," James answered.

Logan tried resisting James, but it was no dice. James took Logan's hand and shoved it in the bottom cavity. When Logan tried to remove his hand, James kept it firmly in place.

"Oh my God! This is so gross!" Logan commented.

"This is so hilarious!" Katie remarked, doubling over in laughter.

She wasn't the only one either. Kendall, Carlos, Mrs. Knight, and James all laughed at the sight before them; Logan with his hand stuck up a dead bird's butt. The way Logan contorted his face only made it even funnier.

"Okay, James. I got the pouch with the giblets," Logan said. James wouldn't let Logan's hand out of the bottom cavity though. "James!"

"Oh, I'm sorry," James replied, letting go of Logan's hand.

"Yeah, I bet!"


"Logan, sweetie, aren't you forgetting something?" Mrs. Knight asked.

"Mama Knight, you can't be serious!" Logan exclaimed, mortified.

"Ooh! I wanna know what Logie's forgetting!" Carlos said excitedly.

"Carlos, I hate you!" Logan remarked.

Carlos paid no mind to Logan. It wasn't the first time one of them said they hated him, and it certainly wouldn't be the last. Besides, Carlos knew better than to actually believe Logan. He didn't really mean that he hated him, hated him.

"He has to rub salt and pepper inside the cavity," Mrs. Knight answered.

"Is that really even necessary? I mean I don't know about you all, but I don't even like pepper. It makes me sneeze," Logan commented.

James took Logan's hand and forced it back in there one more time.

"James! I need salt and pepper before I reach in here!" Logan said angrily.

"You and I both know you wouldn't have put your hand back in there," James replied.

Logan was horrified when he saw Carlos filming this as well.

"Carlos, if I see footage of this on the internet, I swear I'll…I'll…" Logan said as he tried to come up with a menacing threat.

"You'll what?" Carlos replied.

"I'll shove you off the stage during dress rehearsal for one of our concerts," Logan stated.

"Ha! Like that will happen!" Kendall commented.

Only because James allowed him to, did Logan remove his hand from inside the turkey. James poured some salt and pepper into Logan's hand. Then back into the turkey went Logan's hand with James' guidance.

Logan started rubbing the seasonings on the interior walls of the turkey. He looked a little green in the face as he was doing this. It would serve them right if he were to hurl all over the uncooked turkey.

Of course, everyone else was cracking up, which only made Logan go even faster, which in turn only made them laugh even harder. It was a never ending cycle of humiliation for Logan.

Finally, mercifully, Logan had finished. He pulled his hand out of the turkey again, hopefully for the last time this time.

"Now all that's left to do is for you to rub butter on the breast," Mrs. Knight said to Logan.

"Rub butter on the what now?" Carlos asked, giggling.

"Grow up!" Logan barked at Carlos.

"This coming from the person who's been whining like a baby the whole time."

"First of all, I have not been whining like a baby. Second of all, maybe if you guys wouldn't make fun of me the whole time, I'd be in a better mood!"

Katie just removed a bowl of butter from the microwave.

"Oh, would you look at that? I already have some butter melted for you, Logan," Katie said, a huge grin on her face.

"Just so you know, after today, none of you are getting anything from me for Christmas!" Logan exclaimed.

"It's okay. I really don't feel like canned ham," James commented.

"Nice!" Kendall remarked, giving James a high five.

Logan rolled his eyes. He wished he had a superpower right about now. More specifically, he wished he could turn invisible. Maybe after this was all over, Logan would lock himself in his room, never to be seen again.

Logan carefully peeled back the skin over the breastbone. He poured the butter inside before reaching in with his hand and lathering up.

"Looks like someone made it to second base," James remarked.

"Second base," Carlos repeated before falling on the floor in laughter.

Kendall was doubled over in laughter. James stamped his foot as he laughed. Katie slapped her knee as she laughed. Try as she may, Mrs. Knight couldn't help but chuckle to herself as well.

Logan quickly finished rubbing the turkey's breast with butter. He pulled his hand out, hoisted the bird into a pan, and all but chucked the pan into the oven. He didn't care that he didn't preheat the oven. He didn't care that he didn't set the timer. He didn't care that he didn't set the temperature. All he cared was that he was done, and now he was going to go hide.

"I hate Thanksgiving!" Logan muttered under his breath as he passed by everyone else.

The End

A/N: Just for the record, I've never cooked a turkey before, so if there were any inaccuracies, please forgive me. I also realize that the humor in this story was a bit…crude…but there really was no way around it given what the story was about.