Warning: Extremely long-ass essay as to why the drabble has come to be. If you think it is ridiculous that this short drabble with hardly any substance is getting such a long end note, skip and move on please! Merci Beaucoup!
Some unanswered questions you may or may not have asked... or I think needs more clarification. Contains Major spoilers.
First and foremost, I have done a bad job at expressing Bella's story but here goes:
-There's hardly any depth in Bella's POV (or this drabble) is mainly because I find it hard to understand her character, even though I have given her this role. Some readers have told me (when the fully written first few chapters were still up) that despite skipping a lot they don't feel like they have missed a lot of details. That is true. The Bella in this story, in this part of her story, feels very empty. She feels that she is alive but is only existing, in her little bubble if you like.
Have you ever experienced the low so bad that you can't bring yourself to pay attention anymore? And because her past has been so traumatic for her, she doesn't want to go back to those memories, therefore burying them and won't divulge into them until the people of the past comes back into her life again, where she has to face her past.
She is at such a phase, that she can not register more than a few things. She only pay attention to the things which stand out and mattered.
-Some of you wondered why would Bella allow her baby to go back to the unethical pair.
Although not explicitly explored, Bella feels disgusted and guilty by her past. She feels that she has failed in so many aspect of her life that she can not cope with living with herself, never mind living with her innocent daughter.
First of many reasons- B and E's failed relationship. E was B's first and 'only' relationship. Us twilighters know that they share a special bond that is unique. E and B's time in college was hard on them, puting strain on their time together. Times can be considered dark as soon as they have entered into their college days, and haven't really gotten better ever since. And then there's Bella unable to give birth to Edward's children (she has miscarried many times, adding stress to her marriage), she believes that she was failing her husband and a failure as a mother to the unborn/stillborn kids. We normal people understand that it's not her fault, but when it happened so many times it causes her to believe that she was the problem. A lot more factors surrounding B and E's relationship comes into play, but let's move on.
On top of that, there's competition with Tanya. Although not quite explored in the drabble, Bella used to feel inferior to Tanya before she had fled Forks, therefore taking away more of her confidence.
The two points from above plus living in a 'narrow' small town, imaginated pressure from those around her, tense atmosphere and blah blah blah thrown into the mix will concoct one stressful situation.
Then afterwards, Bella has had a rough patch being with Caius in Arizona, she had witnessed some bad stuff. And then there's manipulation, toying and emotional blackmailing from Caius. She felt as though life was outside of her control whilst she thought she had some control and feels pretty much like a puppet after coming out of her relationship with Edward (pretty much a twisted situation).
This may seem minor, but remember Jacob not being there whilst she gave birth to her still born son and supposedly equally as dead daughter? She was obsessed with that incident for a little while, she felt that something was against her, perhaps Jacob or perhaps unknown forces out there. She felt very suffocated and can not believe there could be anything good going on for her. (remember at this point of the story she didn't know that her daughter was not dead, she had just ran from a relationship she had fell hard for, Jacob was supposed to be there and support her like a life line for her to cling onto, also at this moment in time Charlie and Renee was not in the picture for parental support, well Renee being Renee...) She feels closed off from the world and is reluctant to come out of the shell from hiding. She feels vulnerable and raw and doesn't want to get hurt anymore.
After the her sinning time in Arizona, she has acquired her black hole where she was living in her own version of purgatory. She became lonely and isolated, unwilling to be anymore than she is now. She has given up. Essentially, she is utterly broken and torn.
All-in-all she feels unworthy for her daughter, and after becoming more lonely in her own black hole, she feels that she has nothing to offer her daughter, whom she wants so much for. Adding on top of the fact that although her daughter is her own daughter, B had never been in her life. Faced with a new mother situation where her daughter is not a baby but a little girl, beginning to comprehend the world around her. So she decided that she was going to be self less and let go. B didn't want to overwhelm her baby and make her see how selfish and bad her supposed parents are. It was an act of protection for her baby to keep her sheltered and feeling safe and secure. She would always be there and be aunt Bella for her little girl, being there for her baby in a different way despite not being able to be the one whom her baby calls mother. Also, B doesn't want to take parental love away from her little girl- considering there is no suitable fatherly figure readily available at that moment and B herself is not sure if she is able to give out the love for her daughte more than small bursts.
Okay... that was a bit repetitive and long-assed.
-How can Bella let Edward touch her again!?
I won't say it's out of love. Because in this moment, I don't think there is any ounce of love Bella has available for anyone (even for her daughter, if I dare say).
I would say that it may be to compensate? Remember, she has lost her way, and now that Edward is back and wants her, she feels as though it is some form of achievement- I think. (at least in the pit of passion she is clouded by such thought- yes that's my excuse as the author of this twisted situation) She feels more cofident and accomplished, like she is back in the game and have control over her situation with this man she loved. Like a game of her own.
And she sees something in Edward that has always attracted her. Like a bad habit that never dies.
-How could Edward make a baby with Tanya!?
Even though we don't like it, Tanya has been by Edward's side through many years and through many *ahem* hardships. So even though we don't like it, she's a bit like a rock for Edward, so it's a little bit of natural that he'll view her as a bit of a solution to his dilemma. As you can see, it's not only Bella that is a bit off track, our Edward is suffering at a bit of loss here too.
-Why does everyone seem to be a psychopath or a sociopath in this story?
I can not completely disagree, however, I think it to be a bit harsh to brand everyone as one of the two. I would say that it is mainly B, E and T. Therefore we could maybe label it as 'love-triangle' misfortune? B and E's sanity are tightly knitted together, they echo each other if you like, despite being apart for so long. However, when T started to want a piece of E, we have a different kind of psycho lurking in the story.
-Edward can not be forgiven!
I agree, he can not.
Even though in the email B has mentioned about forgiveness and before that, saying that if he had confessed about cheating she would have forgiven him- but that doesn't mean we have to forgive him.
Thinking more inside B's head, she had held her hate toward him for nearly a decade now, even longer in the email. It must be tiring, so it's more to relief her more than to relief E. It's like she has finally given herself a chance to be happy again, whether that be to redeem her self-respect through forgiving E or just being nice to someone who has damaged her deeply.
Just because B forgives E doesn't mean we side observers have to. Just because it is written doesn't mean you have to feel the same, this is merely a story about two characters who is lost in their own story and some of the outcomes. May be we'll feel gutted that she would do such a thing, but from where I stood when I wrote it, it was a release for B who has been so obsessed over E's betrayal for such a long time.
The end. Sort of. I'm still very interested in writing this story in its full form. As you can tell from all of the information up there that there are so much more I could add to the story. I just didn't realise at the beginning when I have first published the story, the amount of energy and dedication needed into telling the story. I lost my 'mojo' and became very fed up when my chapters weren't what I hoped they could be.
If you are still reading this and is about to give me crap- thanks but no thanks. Your opinions are good, at least I know where I'm going wrong and what needs to be clarified, but may be a little less fierce? The pathetic, illogical and irrespectable plotline is merely entertainment for the mind, it's not like I am cursing someone to be living in this twisted alternate universe I have described here.
To those of you sweethearts who've told me that you understand what I've been going on about, and gave me positivity despite the story's many flaws- thank you so much!