The hat settled on top of Beverly Crusher's thick red hair. It was unusual for her to be first—well, technically since the captain had been Sorted as a child, he'd been first—but she was the first for everyone else. Alphabetical order…
"Hm…a doctor, with all the intelligence and caring required…no real desire to advance beyond your current position…interesting, considering you held a more advanced job for a year…"
Beverly hoped nobody else was hearing it.
"…loyalty to the captain, a good heart and a desire to help, yes, very…HUFFLEPUFF!
Wesley eagerly put the hat on his head. He hoped it would confirm everything he thought about himself.
To his surprise, it laughed.
"Another Crusher…though very different. Similar intelligence, but you have an urge to prove that intelligence to the wider world. A fine ambition, considering that mind…but you aren't particularly brave, so you'd need encouragement to do it."
Wesley's ego started to deflate.
"In addition, you tend to be rude to those you believe are wrong, even if they are in authority."
Wesley's ego deflated like a popped balloon.
"So, not Gryffindor or Hufflepuff, which leaves Ravenclaw and Slytherin. Slytherin would be good, for all of your ambition and resourcefulness. Yes, I think Slytherin would help you on the way to greatness. Better be-"
"Not Slytherin!" Wesley cried.
"Well if you object to it…ah, perhaps you are not clever enough anyway…better be…RAVENCLAW!
Data put on the hat. It flinched as it settled on top of Data's slicked back hair, but it spoke anyway.
"Well well, never read a mind like this…almost definitely a Ravenclaw, but what's this? Intense loyalty to your friends, captain, and ship, a clear Hufflepuff quality. You also seem willing to sacrifice yourself for the sake of these things, very Gryffindor of you. You can also be quite cunning if necessary, and becoming human is surely a high ambition-"
"Do not put me in Slytherin." Data said firmly.
"Well, then, your best fit is…RAVENCLAW!"
Geordi placed the hat on his head. It slid down over his VISOR.
"Hmmm." Said the sorting hat. "I'm sensing…loyalty. I have a feeling I'll get that a lot with a starship crew."
"You have a feeling? You're a hat!" Geordi said.
"You have a mechanical man for a friend, I wouldn't talk. Now where was I? Ah yes…analytical mind, good problem-solving skills, very Ravenclaw. Resourceful, but not enough ambition for Slytherin."
"Don't put me in Slytherin, I've heard bad things about that house."
"I really wasn't considering it, I know you want to be…RAVENCLAW!"